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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at DH who doesnt want anymore kids, but wont have the snip

120 replies

TheNatty · 23/07/2009 17:56

apparently its ME that should have the operation, as its me that 'falls pregnant so damn easy'
im happy to have more... perhaps not now DS is 2 weeks old...

i have terrible trouble with finding contraceptives that work for me, have tried everything going and each method has had a problem with it.

AIBU to feel that its a small op for him, and that would save me having to use contaceptives that make me ill/cause me pain as its HIM that doesnt want any kids??

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 23/07/2009 18:39

use condoms..have fun trying them out and see which ones work best for you!..I recommend Condomi Naturals...or Avanti ...my DH has had the snip and it's brought freedom to us both he a very happy man...he said he was going to do it because he didn't want me to take birth control..then he got cold feet..I never bothered him about it tbh it's a very big step ...then a year later he made the appointment himself and I went with him for support..it took 20mins...if I had been sterilised it would have been at least a 2hr op...

expatinscotland · 23/07/2009 18:43

Persona's a device you use to predict ovulation by peeing on a stick.

You put the weed on stick in a device and it gives you the red or green light, literally!

expatinscotland · 23/07/2009 18:43

OP, if you fell pregnant on condoms then he'll just need to deal with more kids until he steps up to the plate.

WoTmania · 23/07/2009 18:46

YANBU
Apart from anything it's a simple op for them and major stuff for you.

msled · 23/07/2009 18:47

Don't have a sex ban, just don't use any contraception, and tell him you won't. Then its up to him to use condoms or have the snip. It's OK to not want more kids, it's OK to not want sterilisation, it's not OK to make you solely responsible for contraception, especially as you'd like more children.

Original poster
TheNatty · 23/07/2009 18:47

first of all we are both religous and dont believe in divorce
second of all we have been together for 6 years now, married for 2. we have been thru unfaithfulness (2 years in) and three horrific births, DH medical problems, and major money problems (including homelessness)

i think if we we're going to split, chances are we would have done by now.
i believe stress from kids, money and cheating are the three top reasons from divorce??

that aside, i personally dont WANT him to have the op done, i would love more kids, however whats annoying me is that he is putting it on me to have an operation i dont think i should have to have.

oh and tried injection, put 5 stone on in three months till it wore off. no thank you!
implant is the same drug so that wont work.

we also tried persona.. resulted in a pregnancy. i then didnt have that baby, as DH really didnt want another one so soon (DD was 2 months old)
the termination trigged PND, and i will never ever go thru that again, worst decision on my life and bitterly regratted everyday.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheNatty · 23/07/2009 18:49

thank you msled

oh and ABetaDad a very well rounded post. as usual

OP posts:
Original poster
TheNatty · 23/07/2009 18:53

apologies for crap spelling and grammer.. bf whilst typing..

OP posts:
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 23/07/2009 18:56

I think he should use condoms as he is the one who doesn't want another child and nothing seems to be suitable for you.

expatinscotland · 23/07/2009 18:57

'i then didnt have that baby, as DH really didnt want another one so soon (DD was 2 months old)'

so he bullied you into having a termination you didn't want and is now trying to bully you into a major operation you don't want either?

and this chap is worth staying with?

m-kay.

i'm with msled.

oh, and if i fell pregnant again, i'd tell him to go for a long walk on a short pier before i had another termination.

in fact, i'd have never had a termination in the first place just because some man wanted me to, but that's a-whole-nother story.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 23/07/2009 18:59

He doesn't sound great, tbh, sex after 1 month of giving birth but you do sound very fertile together so you must sort something out or no sex.

monkeyfacegrace · 23/07/2009 19:11

whats having sex 1 month after birth got to do with it? Im confused..

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 23/07/2009 19:12

Just that he wanted sex after only a month of the baby being born and they conceived. I am just getting the feeling he pressurises the OP quite a lot.

Original poster
TheNatty · 23/07/2009 19:17

it was 6 weeks actually, personna said it was ok AND used a condom. was the only time that month and was a result of rather alot of wine

termintation was a joint decision, because although i didnt want it, i agreed that finacially and emotionally we were not ready for another (at time DS was 15 months, DD 2 months what would you do?)
i had to put the welfare and stability of my family before my emotional needs.
it wasnt DH pushing me into it, even if he was adament he didnt want the baby (which was a major contributing factor to my agreement)

OP posts:
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 23/07/2009 19:19

What would I do?

I would have had the baby but that is irrelevant.

I would imagine you would hate to have another termination so it is either condoms or the snip.

expatinscotland · 23/07/2009 19:20

okay, natty, sounds like you're okay with him bamboozling you inot just about anything.

in which case msled's suggestion is the one imo that's best: make it clear that you're not using any contraception, he can use a condom and if you fall pregnant again then you'll do what you feel best in your conscience.

it's WAY unlikely you'll get female sterilisation at your age on the nhs, anyhow.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 23/07/2009 19:22

expat - you always seem so strong. Have you always been strong or has it come with age and experience?

notevenamousie · 23/07/2009 19:23

You have 3 children under 5 and a termination(regardless of age)? Unfortunately I think most gynaecologists would sterilise you, but ONLY if you wanted it. And so, I think, most urologists would sterilise him.

Original poster
TheNatty · 23/07/2009 19:32

no i wouldnt go thru another termination which is what prompted the conversation when DS is only two weeks old.
i have told him we are not having sex unless he puts a hat on it, he agrees, but doesnt like it (he hates them, i think most men do, im not overly fond myself!)

i suppose thinking about it we could try femmidoms.. i dont know what the success rate is for that tho

OP posts:
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 23/07/2009 19:34

No.

FGS.

HE should wear the condom. YOU have done enough.

expatinscotland · 23/07/2009 19:51

Fab, I have a very practical Mum and Dad, and to me it's always common sense: Do unto others as you'd have them do to you. If you wouldn't dish out a particular form of treatment, why take it from someone just because they're a man (or a woman, for that matter)?

And for me, in the house where I grew up, love is respect. A person who treats you with no or little respect cannot love you, because respect and love are one and the same.

Just my opinion, but it's served me well so far.

monkeyfacegrace · 23/07/2009 19:52

Why should he be pressurising her? I was having sex 4 days after having ds, no pressure from OH here. People do things differently thats all, and other that saying he wont have the snip, I dont see any pressure as such. Maybe he is just scared? At 24, most men can still be a little immature so maybe he believes some myths about the snip, and is just nervous?

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 23/07/2009 19:53

expat.

monkey - so why doesn't he go to the docs and get the facts.

sdr · 23/07/2009 19:54

Agree you're both too young. While you may not divorce, other mishaps happen. My cousin was widowed with 1 child, not much older than you. Married again and had two more. (Very sadly he just died, widowed twice by 40).

Would suggest you both visit GP together and discuss all the options.

Original poster
TheNatty · 23/07/2009 20:02

sdr that is a very good point. and with his health problems its something i should definatly consider.

expat, i like your thinking.

oh and def no pressure from him sex wise. i instigated it. it would have been sooner if not for episotomy.

half the problem is we both enjoy the physical side of our marrige to much!(god knows how we find the time tho lol)

agreed, a trip to the gp seems the most sensible soultion, tho last time gp was not very helpful when i asked what alternatives were avalible.

OP posts: