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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed at DH who doesnt want anymore kids, but wont have the snip

120 replies

TheNatty · 23/07/2009 17:56

apparently its ME that should have the operation, as its me that 'falls pregnant so damn easy'
im happy to have more... perhaps not now DS is 2 weeks old...

i have terrible trouble with finding contraceptives that work for me, have tried everything going and each method has had a problem with it.

AIBU to feel that its a small op for him, and that would save me having to use contaceptives that make me ill/cause me pain as its HIM that doesnt want any kids??

OP posts:

Ninkynork · 24/07/2009 10:34

Agree with expat, it's very sad this and raises questions about the futures of my DD and DS.

My uncle is a selfish git who refused an op even when his children were teenagers. My aunt took the pill for years and years and years before the hormone dosages were as low as they are these days. She died in her 40s partly as a result of all that IMO.

mayorquimby · 24/07/2009 10:36

as a man i'd never have the snip, but i'd be damned sure to use condoms if my OH decided she no longer wanted to take contraception herself and that she wouldn't mind becoming pregnant.

Stigaloid · 24/07/2009 11:00

Mayorqumby - why would you never have the snip? did you know that long term use of the pill can affect a women's risk to cancer? Surely better to have quick and simple operation than risk the long term health of your partner?

mayorquimby · 24/07/2009 11:09

which is why i said i'd happily use condoms in place of having the snip.
it's just something i could never put myself through no matter how many rational arguments there may be for it. it might be illogical but i just can't ever see myself going though with it.

Stigaloid · 24/07/2009 11:11

Fair enough I feel the same way about taking out the rubbish bins.

coolma · 24/07/2009 12:29

Haven't read all of this but am exactly the same predicament - difference is i am in my forties, he is in his early fifties. Dd3 is nearly 4 and as much as we love her, she was not on the agenda. I had asked hom before to have the snip but he refused, for no specific reason which irritated me. A fourth child is not something that either of us want especially at our ages, so I cannot see why he won't do it!! Sometimes i think i am being incredibly unreasonable but most of the time I don't. Like other posters, his suggestion is that I get 'it' done. Oh well....

Mumcentreplus · 24/07/2009 12:57

from personal experience a vasectomy does not affect sexual performance at all! and the operation does not effect the blood vessels or nerves that are part of having an erection or ejaculation...men are just told horror stories by other men to freak them out...

msled · 24/07/2009 13:02

Fruity, she IS going to organise her own contraception - she doesn't want any, so she's not going to use any. Why is it a woman's role to take on his job? If he want to lose weight should she go hungry? If he wants to run a marathon should she do his training?

Fruitysunshine · 24/07/2009 15:24

Msled - it is nobody's job to be responsible for somebody else's contraception except the person that does not want children. I accept OP may want more children and does not want to use any but at the end of the day it is HIS decision as to what contraception he uses. Mutual respect would dictate that they come to a decision together but if he refuses to go down the road OP would prefer then she can't force him and it would be his own fault if she got pregnant.

If my husband did not want a vasectomy I would not force him, just as he would not force me to be sterilised. But if we came to a crossroads like this then I would be reminding him constantly that tonight be the night we conceive!

I understand the predicament but at the end of the day everyone has free will and I am not siding with him - if it were the other way around I would be saying the same thing - take responsibility for your own body and if somebody elses is careless or acts in a wreckless way then I would be questioning whether that is the sort of person I would want to spend the rest of my life with.

scaryteacher · 24/07/2009 16:31

My dh had the snip for my Christmas present one year!

2rebecca · 24/07/2009 16:38

Yes, UABU some men get chronic pain after a vasectomy. No operation is to be entered into lightly. Trying to force someone else to have an operation is very controlling and unpleasant.

ChazsBarmyArmy · 24/07/2009 17:28

2rebecca
Have you read the OP??
OP wants more kids, her DH doesn't.
Yet he wants her to be sterilised rather than him have the snip.
He is trying to force her to have an op she doesn't want. Why is it unreasonable to turn it back on him??

2rebecca · 24/07/2009 18:44

Marriages shouldn't be about either person trying to force the other to have operations.

expatinscotland · 24/07/2009 18:48

Okay, well, by that token, he's trying to force her to have an operation. By the sounds of it, he did a pretty good job of cajolling her to have another operation, a termination, already.

So why's it okay for him to do that to her but not the other way round?

Mumcentreplus · 24/07/2009 18:50

very true..but if you don't want children you better take precautions and not expect your partner who does want children to give a rats nads..

Qally · 24/07/2009 19:12

"Marriages shouldn't be about either person trying to force the other to have operations. "

Agreed. But she wants more kids, so she clearly doesn't actually want either of them to have it - she wants their fertility intact. What she doesn't want is to be bullied into a permanent ending of her own fertility while her DH, who wants no more children, refuses to either use condoms or get the snip, and so avoids all contraceptive responsibility whatsoever. She's saying that the person who is keen to avoid pregnancy and keen for someone to have an operation should be the one to volunteer - not to pressure the other party.

Not sure how it's unreasonable to expect the person who is dead set against procreation to be the one avoiding it. Particularly when condoms/the snip are so much less invasive than the pill/ligation.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 24/07/2009 19:40

I wanted more kids.

DH didn't.

DH had the snip.

ABetaDad · 24/07/2009 21:14

2rebecca - you make a fair point about the risk in vasectomy. It is not entirely risk free in the sense that a few result in pain and complications. Vasectomy is not 100% guaranteed to work. There is always risk.

Mumcentreplus · 24/07/2009 21:30

there is risk with any procedure on the human body...

2rebecca · 24/07/2009 22:23

I agree that she shouldn't have an op if she doesn't want one. I also agree that if she wants more kids and he doesn't the onus is on him to use effective contraception. She leaves it to him to decide on that contraception, or he can use none and run risk of her getting pregnant, his choice.

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