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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at DH who doesnt want anymore kids, but wont have the snip

120 replies

TheNatty · 23/07/2009 17:56

apparently its ME that should have the operation, as its me that 'falls pregnant so damn easy'
im happy to have more... perhaps not now DS is 2 weeks old...

i have terrible trouble with finding contraceptives that work for me, have tried everything going and each method has had a problem with it.

AIBU to feel that its a small op for him, and that would save me having to use contaceptives that make me ill/cause me pain as its HIM that doesnt want any kids??

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 23/07/2009 20:04

Thenatty - you have revealed an awful lot of personal info on this thread and your profile makes you very recognisable - you may want to ask Mnet HQ to remove some of your posts?

Regrading your contraception question - yes your dh should take responsibilty for this too. If he won't then don't have sex. I'm sure you could get on fine without it . What you cannot allow to continue is the running you down that he's doing - that the babies are your 'fault', that you are too blame, that you want him to wear condoms and that spoils sex for HIM. It's all about him isn't it? Don't let him get away with that - say what YOU need and expect and deserve.

monkeyfacegrace · 23/07/2009 20:10

Wow just been nosey thanks to Northern, and your kids are gorgeous!

Original poster
TheNatty · 23/07/2009 20:12

NL - i have nothing to hide, everyone i know in RL knows all this so im not to worried. thanks for thinking of me tho

and yes i agree he is quite selfish and thinks of his own needs quite alot. but like others have said he is young, so i accept alot of it, all his mates are out drinking and partying. hes sitting in with me burping the baby.
i think he deserves a little slack for sticking with me thru it all.
tho i agree the way he makes me feel responsible for the kids we have is not on.

btw, i sound very negative in bit of this thread, but i love my children and wouldnt be without any of them

OP posts:
Original poster
TheNatty · 23/07/2009 20:13

thank you monkeyface

OP posts:
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 23/07/2009 20:16

And do you deserve anything for sticking by him?

Original poster
TheNatty · 23/07/2009 20:19

a gold bloody medal

and that prompted me to update my profile, i am now the correct age and have the correct amount of children lol!!

changed my location to something more vage nothernlurker as i agree profile was a little too detailed

OP posts:
barnsleybelle · 23/07/2009 20:20

I think you are both very young for either of you to be considering ending your options of more children.

Certainly if you think you may want more children in the future then i would not go down either route. Your circumstances are very likely to change together and both of you may well be in a position to want more children together. It's 16 yrs since i was 24 and believe me life is very different now .

I think your best option is to visit a family planning clinic together. I find these better than the GP as they are specialised and will very hard with you both to find solutions to your current situation.

Original poster
TheNatty · 23/07/2009 20:22

barnsley thats a very good idea thank you

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 23/07/2009 20:22

don't go to your GP unless he/she is family-planning trained.

go to your local family planning clinic instead.

'i think he deserves a little slack for sticking with me thru it all.'

are you serious? i feel so sorry as there seem to be so many women on this board who have so little self-esteem. as a mum of daughters it really makes me despair.

my husband was 24 when i had dd1 (he's younger than i am) and he didn't expect a medal for 'sticking with me through it all'. he married me and wanted to have kids.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 23/07/2009 20:23

I agree with expat.

Northernlurker · 23/07/2009 20:28

Well I'm glad you're ok with the info thing - just didn't want you to get carried away revealing stuff and have it come back at you.

Regarding age - I think if you're old enough to make the baby then you're old enough to deal with raising the baby. You and your husband have been together through tough times - well that's what marriage is for and he doesn't get a gold star for doing just what he should as a husband. Nor does he get a 'Get out of family responsibility jail free card'. If your family is going to continue happily then he needs to step up and you need to respect yourself enough to know that this is a MUTUAL enterprise. Stop trying to do all the heavy lifting.

Original poster
TheNatty · 23/07/2009 20:29

ah but dh married me because i fell pregnant. we werent planning on marrying for a long time, as we both believed it was for life, not to be entered into lightly etc. when i fell pregnant with dd, i told him i wasnt willing to continue living unmarried with two children and that i wanted to marry before she was born.
he agreed, but maintains to this day that he felt pressured into it. (which to be fair is quite right, i did)

and i have plenty of selfesteem, i just believe that he is a good man as not many would have stuck around thru alot of what we have been thru.

OP posts:
hidingidentity · 23/07/2009 20:31

I need to clarify something that I read earlier on this thread. I have two children by donor sperm due to DH's infertility, but there are a lot of donor sperm children around due to failed vasectomy reversals. Reversals are possible, but it is not something that I would rely on. The operation is not straight forward, and even there's a fair chance that even if sperm are ejaculated that they won't be as good at fertilising an egg and the couple ends up using IUI or IVF.

Only do it if you are really really really really sure.

You have my sympathy though, I hated contraception too and struggled with the pill. I'm not sure what the answer is, but I think that expat's suggestion to go to a family planning clinic is a good one.

expatinscotland · 23/07/2009 20:31

no one held a gun to his head and forced him to marry you. he chose to do it.

not as many would have stuck around?

why on Earth would you even want to be bothered with someone who didn't?

Original poster
TheNatty · 23/07/2009 20:36

i wouldnt. hence my pressuring him to marry me, i need the stability and security that marrige could offer me. i needed to know he would stick around and not bugger off if the going got tough.
and no i didnt hold a gun to his head, but i pretty much told him if he didnt marry me he could leave.

OP posts:
barnsleybelle · 23/07/2009 20:38

I think to have a vasectomy based on the fact that he will have it reversed if he changes his mind is totally wrong. To do so is using vasectomy as a temporary contraception methd.

For a man to have a vasectomy whilst within a marriage it should be because both partners are 100% sure they do not want further children. The man should also be sure that should the marriage disolve through divorce or bereavement then he still would not want more children. Any GP worth his salt would ensure they asked these questions.

Northernlurker · 23/07/2009 20:40

Thenatty - your posts are concerning me. Believing somebody only married yo because you compelled them to, being convinced that they have done you some sort of great service by 'staying' - when 'staying' is everything that marriage is about? Can you not see how vulnerable your position is? Truly I think rguements over contraception are the least of your worries.

Are you attending a church at present and if so do they offer any sort of family support services?

wonderingwondering · 23/07/2009 20:46

We're 35 and my GP still won't refer my DH for a vasectomy. She asked us to think about what would happen if something happened to a child of ours, what would happen if something happened to me and DH remarried, or we divorced. It is a major decision.

With the best of intentions, you just don't know what is round the corner so I think 24 is very young to go ahead with a vasectomy, however sure you are about staying together and no more children.

That's all very gloomy, sorry.

expatinscotland · 23/07/2009 20:48

wondering, see a different GP. she has no right to refuse him at that age. a 35-year-old man is old enough to know his own mind and his own body and what he wants to do with it without some stranger treating him like an ignorant teenager.

Fruitysunshine · 23/07/2009 20:49

I don't think you are being unreasonable within the realms of your relationship.

I, however had a sterilisation whilst having c-section 3. I did not want DH having a Vasectomy - inCASE it affected his "performance" in any way............

But then I am selfish like that!

Original poster
TheNatty · 23/07/2009 20:49

yes are attending a church.
im fine, i have issshhooooosss obviously tho

OP posts:
barnsleybelle · 23/07/2009 20:51

wondering. What a great GP you clearly have .

wonderingwondering · 23/07/2009 20:54

Expat, we've decided we'll go to a private clinic when we are ready. But what she said did give me cold feet while the children are so young. I think when you near the age when you wouldn't want to 'start over' with young children, but are still fertile, is the time to go for it.

It is a bit patronising to be refused (and on other visits to be told to have some more children as apparently I'm young enough to have 'a couple' more ) , but she's an old-school GP who does house visits when the children are ill so she's forgiven!!

wonderingwondering · 23/07/2009 20:56

Barnsleybelle, we cross-posted. But she is great, very reassuring. If slightly over-fond of looking after pregnant ladies and new babies! She won't hand us over to the midwife, she does all the ante-natal checks herself, clearly her perk of the job!

barnsleybelle · 23/07/2009 20:58

FWIW i think 35 is very young still. DH and i swore off anymore after our first and then at 37 decided on another which we now have.
It's a massive decision.

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