To ask for monetary gifts for our weddin?

[TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied]

Everyone keeps asking what we want but we've lived together 2 years and have kids, we've got everything really. We'd rather just have the money and put it towards landscaping the garden or new curtains or a holiday or something, we're skint at the best of times.

Now I know it's terrible ettiquette, but we are getting married abroad and just having a wedding party at home, and I'm just writing the invites and thinking of putting this:

'We want your presence not your presents; however, if you should wish to grace us with a gift, we have lived together for two years and have everything we need, but a monetary gift towards home improvements would be much appreciated.'

I'm prepared to be stoned, I don't care. I just need to know whether it is too rude to do this.

Making our wedding list was one of the most fun parts about getting married. Going through John Lewis and just writing down everything we liked was a lovely fantasy experience (unlike most of the wedding preparation which was one long fight with my mother). Then it was lovely unpacking things in our first home, thinking of the lovely day we had choosing and all our generous friends and family.

My parents still use many of the things they were given for their wedding, I think it is a lovely tradition, and I am always very happy picking presents from other people's lists (so long as their taste isn't horrific and their is plenty of choice at not a crazy price).

But then I see weddings as hugely important and significant, and as very few of my friends or family are getting married I guess I don't feel too put upon.

Trying to get some work done but i am being distracted by mumsnet.
I still maintain that wedding lists and monetary request are vulgar. As far as i am concerned it is begging.

Choose the company you want to do your garden, open an account and make it known that people can contribute towards this if they wish BUT PLEASE wait to be asked.

It really is not correct to include any gift list / request in an invitation, you should always wait to be asked.

Just one other thing, IMO your wording for the invitation is dreadful, what happened to:

Mr and Mrs ........
request the pleasure of......

or am I just old, traditional and boring?!

YANBU

We had been together ten years and wanted for nothing. We climbed Kilimanjaro for our honeymoon and can't remeber our wording but essentially asked for a contribution.

I really don't see the difference between setting up a present list (acceptable) and asking for cash (not).

At the end of the day people give gifts at weddings - it's what happens. Suggesting what that gift be is, IMHO, helpful rather thatn rude.

Not had time to read all the way through because I'm not feeling very well and should be doing loads of other things...as others have said, please don;t use the presents/prescence thing - its horrid..

My worry with paying for someone's home improvements is that, well, what if you then move...

My parents decided when my sister got married to give her cash - she built a fence round her garden with that cash. And then 9 months later sold that house.

So, maybe I'm just rather idealistic about things but I like having someone to point at, esp for something as important as my wedding present from my parents..."Oh I got this was a wedding present from my parents" which you can;t really do with a fence in a house you moved from 10 years ago which was probably knocked down in a football game....

So, maybe you'd be best to specify what you are actually using the money for - I'd personally not be up for paying for an extension or some landscaping for a house that may be sold on fairly soon...

I also agree with Bathsheba that soemthing more tangible and that you cna keep may be moe appropriate

I actually like the honeymoon contributions idea, and am always happy to contribute to friends who have one of those "honeymoney" style lists - although I'm much more comfortable with the kind where you buy them a tenth of a flight or lobster on the beach or whatever than just £50's worth of holiday vouchers, even though I know it's exactly the same really. I'd just rather buy them part of a honeymoon they'll always remember than towels or glasses that will be worn out/broken in ten years time.

Having said that, I do think it's lovely that mine and DP's parents both have beautiful china and bowls etc that were wedding presents, which they still have and use on special occasions. However, as DP and I (and most of our friends) do not live in a giant rambling house with endless storage for the "good china" etc, I'm not sure how practical such an idea is for a lot of people. Getting "everyday" stuff that will be worn out or broken with use seems not unlike the garden fence mentioned above - at least you'll always have memories and pictures from a honeymoon.

Just out of interest, how much do people here spend on a wedding present? We tend to spend about £50 as a couple - are we being hugely cheap, given the mentions of £200 above, or is that just other countries?

I think its a great idea, friends of hours asked for plants for their garden, easy and much wanted.

We weer suprised by everyone's generosity. We married last year and generally received between £30-200, with approx £80 being the median. We were also surprised that the amount given bore no relation to individual's personal financial circumstances.

We really apprecaited that handful of people that bought us personals gifts but also really appreciated having met approx hald the costs of climbing Kili - it was the trip af a lifetime and the perfect celebration of our marriage. The memories mean more than china.

forehead do you think it is vulgar if people give wedding lists/ask for money if they are asked what they would like or only if they include them with the invitation?

"A friend of mine did something similar and took some amazing photos which she then had made into thank you cards when she got back."

I understand these couples don't see anything wrong with asking for money so do perhaps mean well - but that sort of adds to the cheekiness in my mind.

I agree, paisley. Also this comment: 'We were also surprised that the amount given bore no relation to individual's personal financial circumstances.'

When people are asked for cash, they often contribute more than their means allow since you're going to know exactly what they spent and they feel guilty or ashamed about appearing cheap.

That's why I have a serious problem with demanding cash off people.

It's grabby and cheeky and not very hospitable.

I think an average of £80 seems like a lot once you've taken into account the fact that you've already shelled out for a hotel/dress/travel/hen and stag do/possibly drinks at the reception.

This may be unfair of me, but I always feel slightly aggrieved when people have a bar at the wedding where guests have to pay for drinks, but have had a wedding list demanding £100 table lamps. To be fair, I haven't been to many where this has been the case, and I appreciate that providing your guests with free booze all night is v expensive, but there seems something a bit cheeky about popping a gift list in your invitaion and also saying "bring your wallet to the reception, it's a pay bar". I'm worried this makes me sound as if I attend weddings as some kind of free loader (which I don't), but there's just something a bit icky about it to me. Perhaps the celebration should match the bride and groom's budget - i.e. if you can't afford the drinks at that venue, have the reception elsewhere or just have a daytime do so people aren't drinking until one in the morning?

And don't get me started on hen/stag dos that demand that you take 3 days off work and pay £600 to go on a cr@p holiday with a load of people you don't really know...

I think we may have to just say "no presents please" and no hen/stag party when we do ours...

i was talking to my dad about this thread last night and he said that he found lists in invitations to be time-saving and practical, rather than grabby, vulgar, rude etc. Possibly a little presumptuous, but then who goes to a wedding without a present anyway?

I've already posted something about cash being the norm at Indian weddings and been blasted as the OP isn't Indian (how do you know, by the way?! And is she Irish, because you haven't mentioned that?). But I'm raising my head above the parpet and recounting a story from some friends of ours who got married a few years ago.

They wanted cash but didn't want to say because they felt it looked crass. So they set up a John Lewis guest list, with loads of really expensive things on it, which we all agonised over (and some of us clubbed together to get something - it was ridiculously expensive). Then we found out afterwards that they had cashed all the presents in at John Lewis for vouchers. They said that everyone they knew did it.

Now that is crass. Why go to all the trouble?

lists or cash - its vulgar, crass and generally rubbish - i tend to buck against the expected in these situations and buy them a mickey mouse alarm clock for a tenner

i got a cheque for £20 at my wedding, i thought " wow how not arsed could you be!"

i got 7 clocks - 7 but i loved each one!

Thumbwitch re your query "who goes to a wedding without a present anyway?" - when I got married, around 1/4 of the guests didn't give us a gift.

I've been to weddings where the couple aske for no gifts, usually 2nd marriages of people in their 40s who were each bringing full houses to the marriage, and not brought a gift.

Geekfreak if the OP were Indian or Irish how likely is it she would have even asked a question like this? It's teh done thing in those cultures so a non-issue.

Here's what I put on the info sheet that will go out with our invites...

• Some guests have enquired about a gift list. We have booked a holiday in Turkey for our honeymoon and would be delighted if you would like to contribute to our ?honeymoon tree?. You can send us a cheque or make a bank transfer directly to our savings account (XX-XX-XX XXXXXXXXX).

Flame me if you like, I doubt you're invited anyway

My cousin did this last year. I thought it was absolutely fine. The money was towards a new kitchen in their first house together.

But then I find the whole present buying thing a hassle. Writing a cheque is much easier!

When I got married (2nd time around) I had everything too. Didn't put anything on the invited about it and when people asked I said, please, no presents, is our party, we just want you to be there. My friends insisted, so I said to them, if you must, some vouchers for a homewear type shop would be kind but don't worry. As it happens, they clubbed together and bought us a night in a lovely hotel which was lovely and a suprise. But other people didn't buy us anything, which was completely fine as we didn't need or expect anything. I'm sorry, but doing anything else is just rude.

I'm amazed at how many people are anti wedding lists here. I thought they were a pretty time-honoured tradition. Like a previous poster my parents, aunts and uncles still have most of their wedding gifts - some really amazing and now very valuable china, silver etc. We had a wedding list and the majority of people bought presents on the list, not all though - I've been to some pretty posh weddings and they all specified where a list was held. No-one is expected to buy a present! But often if someone is going to help a young couple on their way they'd rather know what they want than spend money on something the couple doesn't need/doesn't like. Lists are not greedy or grabbing - they are incredibly practical and save the couple and the generous present giver money.

However here in France many lists allow you to swap and change and even cash things in. It's something that I don't agree with, but it happens a lot. I would still rather 'make a contribution to the list' of a couple than waste money buying them something they don't want.

That being said I don't think asking for cash is a good idea and I have never seen it on an invitation myself. I have heard of it though and the people (who are happy to buy off wedding lists) who received those invitations were pretty offended. However this may change, many couples have set up home before getting married so a list or traditional wedding gifts are no longer appropriate.