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Original poster

To ask for monetary gifts for our weddin?

208 replies

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 12/07/2009 12:58

Everyone keeps asking what we want but we've lived together 2 years and have kids, we've got everything really. We'd rather just have the money and put it towards landscaping the garden or new curtains or a holiday or something, we're skint at the best of times.

Now I know it's terrible ettiquette, but we are getting married abroad and just having a wedding party at home, and I'm just writing the invites and thinking of putting this:

'We want your presence not your presents; however, if you should wish to grace us with a gift, we have lived together for two years and have everything we need, but a monetary gift towards home improvements would be much appreciated.'

I'm prepared to be stoned, I don't care. I just need to know whether it is too rude to do this.

OP posts:
GentlyDoingIt · 12/07/2009 21:40

Think I said this on the last thread on this subject, but even for people I dearly love, I find a request for cash difficult because it requires me to put a monetary value on how much their wedding means to me.

I can buy something lovely and personal at a price that suits me, but when it's cold hard cash I always feel obliged to increase it a bit in case the couple say "£30? Crap, is that all she thinks of us?!"

pinkfizzle · 12/07/2009 21:45

sorry but imo this does sounds offputting to me - you seem to state you have everything you need but are asking for money.

Why not pick a charity and let people donate to it, if they want to instead?

If you do need money and you were my friend or family I would rather you just asked for it but that it was not related to me attending a party for your wedding (when you are actually having your wedding somewhere abroad).

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

nooka · 12/07/2009 21:45

I think this attitude is a bit strange. When friends of mine get married I want to give them a present because I want to show that I wish them well. It has nothing to do with being invited to a party of not. It's not some sort of exchange. Likewise for birthdays, I don't require the bribe of a party to want to show them I'm thinking about them. I would never give cash because I think that is very thoughtless, but then my family always does Christmas lists etc, so it's never hard to find a gift that the person wants.

We had a John Lewis list and we put the little card in with the wedding invitation. For most weddings I have been to (very few now as most of my friends are still struggling to find someone ) there has been something like that, and I've enjoyed looking through the list and seeing what sort of taste my friends have I've never seen it as grasping, but sensible. I still have lots of gifts given when dh and I got married 14 years ago, and we think of the person who gave them when we use them, which is very nice. Often it is reciprocal anyway.

I'd go for a simple

"If you would like to give us a gift (and please don't feel you should) then we are saving to landscape our garden, and a contribution to that would be lovely"

and put it on the back of the wedding invite.

JemL · 12/07/2009 21:47

There is nothing wrong with having a wedding list, with asking for vouchers, or contibutions towards a honeymoon, or even, I suppose, cash. But you never need to put this information in the invitation.

I had a gift list, didn't put any info about it at all with my invites, and everyone who came either bought from the list or bought vouchers.

The ony time it is ok to mention it in an invite is if you genuinely don't want any presents - I have been to two weddings where the couple said they didn't want anything and actually meant it.

TheFallenMadonna · 12/07/2009 21:52

I agree with nooka really. I know that it is considered bad form, but I really don't understand why. I always take a gift to weddings. I'd rather it was really appreciated

TheFallenMadonna · 12/07/2009 21:53

How did you let people know about the list?

6inchnipples · 12/07/2009 21:58

nookas suggestion sounds good to me.

Polite and straight to the point.

I don't undersatnd some peolpe who get their knickers in a twist about presents. I find it hard to understand the attitude that the value of the gift relates to how much the recipient means to you?? WTF?? I buy what i can afford and what i think they'd like/find useable.

The other thing i personally find really weird is the people who give vouchers/money and then get all pissed off if the person buys something else with it, surely its just about the recipient buying what they want and that is the point of a gift?

If i gave my friend 50 quid for her wedding because i knew she was saving for a new bed/sofa or similar and she told me she ended up buying new shoes with it, i wouldn't mind at all, as long as she was happy, she could spend it on a take away for all i care as long as its her choice. A gift is supposed to be a nice thing not something that causes so much brain damage.

tigerbear · 12/07/2009 22:10

OP - this sort of question comes up on MN about every 2 weeks!
You will ALWAYS get a bunch of people who say 'Ooooh no, totally rude and crass- awful' and the other camp who see absolutely nothing wrong with it. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' way - only what feels right for you and your partner and your particular situation and group of friends.

It depends on what is deemed acceptable by your friends and family - from the weddings you have been to in the past, what has been the norm?

In my experience, ALL of my friends who have married have either asked for cash / donation to a particular item they want. I don't see any reason to be offended by this.

JemL - how will people know what to do / what not to do if it's not written in the invitation? Surely that just makes things more complicated, as no-one would know what was expected, and the people getting married would get inundated with calls or emails asking what to do? Why make things complicated...

pinkfizzle · 12/07/2009 22:12

I think Nookia's suggestion is a sound one "If you would like to give us a gift (and please don't feel you should) then we are saving to landscape our garden, and a contribution to that would be lovely"

This could be a separate card to the invite or you just let people know when they ask.

I would leave out the contradictory "we have been together for two years and have everything we need"as that is what I would find offputting, especially if put on an invite.

hatesponge · 12/07/2009 22:22

I think its an age thing. 10-15 years ago when the first 'round' of my friends were getting married shortly after uni, everyone had proper full scale John Lewis wedding lists.

Nowadays friends who are getting married have inevitably been living in own homes or together for many years and don't need 'presents' as such. So why not say give us money or vouchers? It wouldn't offend me at all as a guest, at least I'd know I was giving something useful to the bride & groom!

The worst wedding I ever went to was that of a friend who didnt specify anything AT ALL. no wedding list, no request for vouchers or money. Nothing. Was tempted not to buy her anything, but instead gave her a steamer my then DP had bought me for Xmas but which had never been out of the box........

hambler · 12/07/2009 22:28

mentioning presents at all(wedding list or asking for money) is rude and grasping.

Saying a simple "no gifts please " means those who really want to give you something WILL give money.

I can't believe this same old thing is still being discussed

godzillasbumcheek · 12/07/2009 22:29

Three weddings i have attended within the past few years...

One had a huuuge list of overpriced crap which can't possibly have been needed as the couple had been living together for a few years. I was insulted actually as it was i the form of a wish list and i couldn't afford a single item on it. They got chocolate.

The second was a 'please give us * vouchers'. Again, no point made that you being there was important. that couple got nothing as i wasn't as close to them anyway.

The third said 'your presence is requested not your presents' and i gave them as much money in their card as i could afford!

hambler · 12/07/2009 22:34

So why are people who have lived together for years and have everything they want looking for MONEY? so they can get more stuff, despite acknowledging they have all they need?

As for the couple with everything requesting contributions to the fancy honeymoon for scuba lessons/boat trips...WHAT THE FECK! The brazen greedy nerve of some people

flopsyrabbit · 12/07/2009 22:47

I never asked for nor wanted any present for my wedding as it was their company I sought. I think to request anything at all is out of order in this day and age.

spiralqueen · 12/07/2009 23:27

We said the most important thing to us was to have our family & friends there to share our day and we didn't expect any presents. We did say that if people did want to get a gift we had small wedding list and said that Next/Argos vouchers would be very useful as we would be moving house the following year and didn't know what we might need.

Virtually everyone bought a present mainly the vouchers but a few bought from the wedding list, some bought other vouchers, some gave cheques or cash, and other bought what they wanted to get us.

I think the important things were staying away from the cringe-worthy poems and writing proper thankyou's so that our guests knew what we spent their money/vouchers on and why we valued that particular item. I hate getting those pre-printed cards which just say "X and Y thank you for your kind gift" which leaves you thinking do they actually know what I got them.

nooka · 13/07/2009 00:20

Ah well, we had a traditional wedding, where my parents invited everyone - dh and I were allowed I think 10 guests each (apart from family)! so I didn't feel too bothered about asking, as to be honest I didn't know or even in some case particularly like a few of the guests If we had been in charge perhaps it would have been different - although we did move into our first home immediately after the honeymoon so all the presents were greatly appreciated and much used. Which as a giver of gifts is what really matters.

thumbwitch · 13/07/2009 00:38

I have no issue with it - several friends have done it, I did it and none of my friends had an issue with it. Guess it depends on the type of people you know.

I don't know anyone who would dream of turning up to a wedding without a gift of some kind - didn't think people like that existed until I came onto MN!

euromum · 13/07/2009 06:22

I don't have an issue with asking for money either, although the wording does have to be right, if you say anything about it at all with the invite. Nooka's plain and simple suggestion was indeed good.

Personally I find it bothers me far more to receive details of a wedding list from people who have already been living together or independently for years and have everything already, in fact I actually find that really insulting. It's happened with several weddings this year; all lists have not had a single item on them I could afford (even the cutlery - no buying an individual fork on these ones) and I really don't like the expectation that I will contribute to the lavish upgrade of their kitchenware/interior decor etc, the glib assumption that I am able to do so at those prices, and implication that no they would not appreciate anything else. I would happily give them cash to do as they like with but actually I really don't want to know that they are going to spend it on an 80 quid gravy boat when my kitchen is full of chipped old plates that won't be replaced until we run out.

When we got married, we actually were setting up home for the first time, but as we were moving abroad and knew we would not be settling in one place until about 3 years later, we asked anyone who asked to give us cash to spend on setting up house then. Some brought presents, some gave money which we did spend on furnishing our first flat and it was much appreciated. We certainly didn't even notice who gave us how much, let alone judge the 'value' of their gift and friendship. Anything at all was sincerely appreciated, gift or money - eg the coasters we were given are still used most days with happy memories of having been given them - as is the sofa we bought ourselves at ikea.

As for this idea of "why don't you sell tickets" - where does that come from?? If it applies to cash requests it also applies to gift lists in my opinion. Either you ask for a present or you don't. What the present is has nothing to do with it.

Fruitysunshine · 13/07/2009 07:22

A friend of mine who has been living with her fiancee for a few years now has said that whilst they are not expecting any gifts due to living together, if people feel they still want to bestow a gift then a contribution to a particular honeymoon account held with a certain travel agent would be lovely and greatly appreciated. (Or something along those lines!)

People have responded really positively to it!

moffat · 13/07/2009 07:34

Most people I know write "No Boxed Gifts Please" on the invitation.

nooka · 13/07/2009 07:41

I'd think what on earth does that mean if I got an invite like that. Presents in bags only? Present you haven't wrapped up?? Call a spade a spade. "Cash or cheque only please". I do think that is totally out of order on an invite, and would lead to no present (or probably presence either!)

AitchTwoOh · 13/07/2009 07:57

lol bronze.

KingRolo · 13/07/2009 08:03

Just remembered a friend of mine who asked for vouchers to do her garden then moved house 6 months later making £££ profit on the sale.

cluckyagain · 13/07/2009 08:07

Just don't put anything on the invitation about presents. We are going to a wedding in August and the bride and groom had deliberately not put a list on there for the same reason as you (and they didn't want people to come ONLY if they bought a gift) Most people have rung them up in accepting and asked if they would like a pressie - at that point they are asking for John Lewis vouchers if they really want to buy a pressie - much less offensive and actually very personal as they are chatting to all their guests!

hellsbelles · 13/07/2009 09:42

I really hate the cash request too. My cousin & wife recently did it but with slightly more grace. They didn't mention anything in the invitation....and when we asked they just explained they had everything they needed so really didn't want anything. Which meant everyone did give them cash but didn't begrudge it quite as much as an overt request.