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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for monetary gifts for our weddin?

208 replies

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 12/07/2009 12:58

Everyone keeps asking what we want but we've lived together 2 years and have kids, we've got everything really. We'd rather just have the money and put it towards landscaping the garden or new curtains or a holiday or something, we're skint at the best of times.

Now I know it's terrible ettiquette, but we are getting married abroad and just having a wedding party at home, and I'm just writing the invites and thinking of putting this:

'We want your presence not your presents; however, if you should wish to grace us with a gift, we have lived together for two years and have everything we need, but a monetary gift towards home improvements would be much appreciated.'

I'm prepared to be stoned, I don't care. I just need to know whether it is too rude to do this.

OP posts:
TheDarkPhoenix · 12/07/2009 16:00

I hate it when people ask for money as i feel as though i'm paying to go to the wedding.

Ask for B&Q vouchers or Dobbies vouchers. Even asking for vouchers is better than asking for cash.

skidoodle · 12/07/2009 16:04

Including a request for money with an invitation looks like you are charging people to attend, however much you try to rhyme it away.

If you are keen to please the couple in the manner of their choosing there are ways of finding out what that might be.

PeachyTheRiverParrettHarlot · 12/07/2009 16:05

Well I wouldn't mind really, though I do think its nice to know where the money is going- promise a fab housewarming perhaps when all finished, or choose one big thing people can pay off (friend received a beautiful dresser; not sure who got it in the divorce though (!) )

if its garden you can get garden vouchers from centres which solves that one easily enough

But I don't think its OK to mention in invites, tradition is people request the gift list and thats when you could mention it.

SoupDragon · 12/07/2009 16:08

Naff.

Garden centre vouchers, DIY store vouchers, a list of specific things you'd like for the garden.

A couple I knew were keen rowers and the wedding list was a rowing boat, split down into small component parts. You "bought" a bit of the boat but in reality just gave the appropriate amount of money.

bigchris · 12/07/2009 16:10

I think at the moment people are very skint

and if they think a party invite means they have to turn up with cash or vouchers they might decide they just can't afford to go

I think if someone rings and says thanks for the invite, what would you like as a pressie then yes you can say money please in a gracious way

but you just have to let people decide for themslves whether or not to ask

bronze · 12/07/2009 16:21

why are people still going on?

By TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied on Sun 12-Jul-09 13:26:53
DP and I have decided we're not going to put anything in the invitations- we can easily send things to a charity shop if we can't house it.

Thanks everyone for your input.

bronze · 12/07/2009 16:21

By TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied on Sun 12-Jul-09 13:26:53
DP and I have decided we're not going to put anything in the invitations- we can easily send things to a charity shop if we can't house it.

Thanks everyone for your input.

bronze · 12/07/2009 16:22

whoops

PurlyQueen · 12/07/2009 17:26

YABU.
I appreciate that you don't want the usual presents, but asking for vouchers is a nice compromise. Asking for hard cash crosses the line into feeling crass and tacky.

pasturesnew · 12/07/2009 17:55

Agree don't put in invitation, but no reason not to say vouchers if people ask. We have been to some friends' wedding recently with good voucher systems. One was the couple going on safari for honeymoon so you could buy vouchers for extra holiday experiences e.g. a drive, a hot air balloon, scuba hire etc., I think a few holiday companies offer such arrangements if you ask. Another was not exactly vouchers but buying wine to be held in a cellar via Berry Bros, I think people can then sell that if they like without the wine ever coming home ISWIM. A few couples have also had a charity choice alongside the voucher choice which was quite nice and meant it did not come across as money-grubbing at all and also meant they did not end up with things in their house they didn't want.

If you are planning to landscape your garden I think the B&Q voucher suggestion above is a really good one.

pasturesnew · 12/07/2009 17:56

We did give cash at our friend's Greek wedding though. Any chance you want to bring out the ouzo?

justlookatthatbooty · 12/07/2009 18:25

For god's sake Brits are such an uptight bunch. (By the way, Yes, I'm British) Reading this thread makes me cringe. OP, you are not being unreasonable. Where I live in Europe it is bog standard when getting married, birthday or any other such affair to state on the invitation "Envelope" instead of "Gift". I think this is utterly sensible and not at all rude. Why should it be such a complicated issue?

Bonneville · 12/07/2009 18:38

Im afraid if I were in your situation (been together some time, marrying abroad and already have everything) I would feel very uncomfortable asking for anything at all!

Ronaldinhio · 12/07/2009 18:39

it is rude, they are gracing you with their company and support

yabu

MorrisZapp · 12/07/2009 18:41

It's all in the wording. My friend has done the presents/ presence thing in her wedding invites but then goes on to say 'But if you would like to offer us a little something' which imo sounds terrible, as if guests are supplicants or something.

I know she doesn't mean it at all like that but it clangs on my ears.

Also, if giving cash (which I grudgingly accept is practical and reasonable), how much to give? It's a tough one.

Bonneville · 12/07/2009 18:44

I dont care whats done in other countries/cultures it dosent make it right. Its little more than begging.

skidoodle · 12/07/2009 18:45

Writing "envelope" on an invitation to indicate you expect your friends to give you their money isn't rude?

LOL

Yes, how embarrassing to be from a country where people have some scruples about shaking their friends down whenever they feel they need a bit of dosh for something.

edam · 12/07/2009 18:45

I wouldn't mind buying vouchers, or even putting some money into a special savings account earmarked for something specific. But not handing over cold hard cash. That just feels wrong.

zeke · 12/07/2009 18:46

I can totally understand where you are coming from but I really wouldn't put this on the invitation. I wouldn't mention gifts at all tbh.

IF they do ask you for advice I would suggest that you do think a few specific things - I really like the idea of asking for things for the garden. Why not do a wedding list that consists of things that you need to landscape the garden?

HerHonesty · 12/07/2009 18:46

your little paragraph is totally over the top. from my experience when you ask for cash you get a load of gifts you really dont want in anycase. if you want to do "home improvments" then ask for b and q vouchers or similar.

KingRolo · 12/07/2009 18:48

Other than close family (i.e people who will definitely want to comtribute a gift or cash and who you can talk to upfront about such things) I don't think you should mention gifts at all in the invite. very rude, grasping and tacky.

I have been invited to an evening do in August and in the invitation was a request for cash. My opinion of this person is a bit lower than it was, I can tell you that.

expatinscotland · 12/07/2009 18:49

We're not in Europe or Greece or Asia.

We're in Britain.

It's crass here.

Thankfully, OP has seen this and is going to leave it out of the invite.

zeke · 12/07/2009 18:52

I should add that I now cringe with embarrassment that I went down the old 'we only want your presence thing but if you really want to give us something, and would like some guidance, then JL gift vouchers will never be wasted!'.
We had a tiny wedding with only v.close family and friends and I am pretty sure that no one was bothered at all by it, but even so. I hate that I did that now!
Interestingly, it was only SIL/BIL (the richest people there) that didn't give us any gift at all.

AvengingGerbil · 12/07/2009 18:52

I've been invited to a wedding with a cash request on grounds that the happy couple already have everything. The happy couple also earn twice what we do and I resent contributing to their 'holiday' when going to their event is already going to cost us in the order of £500 by the time we have paid to get there and to stay overnight and take a day off work for the privilege.

Yes, I am Scrooge and I don't care. I wouldn't go, but DH wants to as it may be the last family do his Mum will be at.

expatinscotland · 12/07/2009 18:57

I'd send your DH along on his own with a voucher, Gerbil.

It does seem to be those who can most afford it who come up with these grabby requests for cash.

Seriously, how skint can you be if you can afford to get married abroad?

We were skint and got married in our nearest registry office (no kids for either of us at the time).