To ask for monetary gifts for our weddin?

[TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied]

Everyone keeps asking what we want but we've lived together 2 years and have kids, we've got everything really. We'd rather just have the money and put it towards landscaping the garden or new curtains or a holiday or something, we're skint at the best of times.

Now I know it's terrible ettiquette, but we are getting married abroad and just having a wedding party at home, and I'm just writing the invites and thinking of putting this:

'We want your presence not your presents; however, if you should wish to grace us with a gift, we have lived together for two years and have everything we need, but a monetary gift towards home improvements would be much appreciated.'

I'm prepared to be stoned, I don't care. I just need to know whether it is too rude to do this.

When we got married recently we already had everything we wanted, so I sent out an emphatic No Presents please, we have everything we need. Of course some people got us small cheques or small gifts (baby spoons, a bowl, flowers), but mostly people turned up empty-handed and it was brilliant. Some friends said that they felt funny about it, but I reassured them that they were helping us out by not making us lug presents across London on the way home.
Please don't ask for money, everyone would like more money than they have, but it's not nice to ask for it.

Whether you want them to or not, people will give gifts. Some people will respect your wishes and give gifts from a gift list/cash towards something etc. Some won't. That's the way it goes. But I think the people who get all "its so rude to ask for money" tend to be the same people who then buy hideous brown vases as wedding gifts and are surprised when you're not using it every time they come round.

Ask for money but expect people to ignore you.

YANBU. It's much more common these days to ask for contributions rather than presents, as there are so many people who have lived together/have all the stuff to begin with.
I have been invited to a wedding recently where they have asked for food contributions or the bride's mother (not the bride) has asked for contributions to the honeymoon. If you explain why, people normally understand (I can totally sympathise with the not wanting any more crap sentiments).

Those of you who don't like giving money is that just if it is requested on the invitation or would you feel the same if you were to ring the bride up and say "have you got any ideas as to what you'd like for a wedding present" and she said "actually money towards X would be really useful" Do you feel the same about vouchers too?

It's the asking bit that gets me. People know that gifts are pleasant at a wedding...they don't need to be told.

No no no no no. It's wrong. wrong. wrong.
YABU.
Phew. Just had to get that off my chest.

Well I am german, and movetary gifts are common there...so...imo YANBU....

but I know many will disagree...
I think it is worded quite wel, so, people won't feel they need to give anything...

A friend of mine has the presence / presents thing in a twee poem. It is sickening.

But it's then followed by a line saying that if you want you can contribute to the honeymoon and they have a gift list in John Lewis for those who want to buy a gift!!

I would quote the whole thing but I'm scared she might be a MNer.

Wedding presents was a custom from the days when Argos and IKEA didn't exist, setting up hgome was very expensive, and everyone moved directly from their parents house to a band new home together, with not a T Towel between them.

These days, especially for co-habiting couples, I find ALL wedding gift requests or hints greedy, grasping and vulgar.

But I realise I am in a minority.

And am biased as I am not married, so have not benefitted from this material-goods frenzy.

For the wedding I'm going to (the food and honeymoon contribution one) they also set up a small registry at John Lewis "for those who feel that a wedding is not a wedding without swivelling bathroom mirrors" (or something like that).

me and OH got married and didn't tell anyone and therefore avoided so many of these issues!

but something i would say is...why do people think that just because you are older you have everything you need? I am in my early 30s...just finished paying off student debts last year, still don't have any matching plates, hardly have any new furniture, it is all old second hand stuff etc...age doesn't seem to have made me materialistically well off at all. I have lots of friends who got married after having been living together for years and just treated it as a giant shopping spree and kitted out their house again. I find that just really unsavoury but maybe I am the fool because they have houses stuffed full of new gadgets and matching everything while we are sitting on our sagging couch watching our third hand old telly. who knows? Do whatever feels right I suppose.

interesting how things change - I got married in 1977 and then I got into trouble because I hadn't produced a huge wedding list that people could choose from. I still remember my mother accusing me of being deliberately awkward and then when I refused to have the event where you invited all the 'ladies' to view the wedding presents before the big day, you'd have thought that I'd flashed my arse in Woolies window.

i never buy wedding gifts - i always give cash. that's the done thing here in ireland. lots of you would hate weddings here, the average cash gift is around 150 - 200 euro per couple!!

from friends who have recently married it would seem that most people give cash gifts, a friend had a wedding with 100 guests and got 3 wedding gifts - the rest was cash or vouchers.

having said that, i think any mention of gifts is rude. i did not mention gifts at all on my invites and if anyone asked i said if they wanted to get us something it was entirely up to them. however most people didn't ask because wedding gift=cash in ireland.

Hi there,

I am going to a wedding on saturday and the couple have asked for money for home improvement which i think is mental as they rent their house, so i feel it is a waste of money giving them money to do up someone elses house. The thing i really did not like about it was the fact if you stick money in a card etc then they know how much you have spent and then your inclined to have to put in more than you can afford. We went away for the hen weekend and for the present instead of cash i have made the bride a photobook of all the photos taken over the hen weekend for her to keep. and i have given then a large salmon fillet towards the buffet. I really dislike the money think too im sorry. when we got married we said to folk who asked to give us vouchers and it did not say on the vouchers how much so we put them all together went to the shop then got a total amount we had to spend so we did not really know who gave what amount.

OP - YAB totally U

1. to ask people for money, just because you are getting married;
2. to say that you are "skint at the best of times" when you are talking about using the cash for landscaping the garden or going on holiday. For heaven's sake, listen to yourself. I am reading the letters of the Mitford sisters at the moment and they are more self aware and less Marie Antoinettish than you.

I wish some of my broke, unlikely-to-marry friends would have a big party at which we could all give them lovely and useful gifts, instead of us all being shamelessly stung for cash for luxuries by established couples who have everything already, two good salaries, at expensive ego-fest weddings that cost more than I have to spend on the first 10 years of my child's lífe.

btw I have absolutely nothing against anyone giving cash. It is the asking for it, or anything else, that I loathe.

I agree with the bulk of the posters is that it is crass to ask for money and the wording of your invite was pretty awful.
I got married recently, we put a list up from John Lewis, had nothing on the list over £100, and most things at the £20 mark. I told my mum and my future MIL to let people know IF THEY ASKED that we would prefer a bit of money. So we ended up with a lovely selection of stuff from JL and a a pot of cash for a rainy day. TBH we got quite afew things from our evening guests that we did not ask for, and by and large they were lovely and useful.
Getting married is the important bit.

Hi Ceres
just wanted to say you must be younger than me cause when l got married l told ppl there was no need for gifts and most took me at my word, a few did say they didnt want to turn up with nothing so gave small gifts. We got no money.l didnt realise 150-200 a couple was the norm for weddings now. l would never give that much money tbh.

Well, it may be common at Indian weddings.

the OP isn't Indian.

crass.

makes me want to host a non-wedding party for all my single or childless by choice firends party and give them a big whacking money gift without their asking for FA.

9 out of 10 times, I give cash as a wedding gift.

I have 16 first cousins and a staggering 82 second cousins.

My mother is the world's biggest non-incredibly minted socialite and last I counted I have been in attendance or been in party at 112 weddings.

But don't demand cash out of me.

My last first cousin who married really was just starting out. She is American and age 23 married a US Army officer who is now stationed in Italy. The couple did not live together before they married, much less have children. They had never lived on their own, she having just finished her degree and then her teaching qualification in Spanish, French and English.

She had no demands for any gift. Her father is my father's younger brother. He's a well-known medic and professor of anaesthesiology. She is the younger of two daughters and they had a beautiful wedding with hundreds of guests.

So I sent her £100 and I did let her know, having lived in mainland Europe for some time, to get herself some quality king-sized sheet sets as they are more affordable in America.

Seriously, if you have everything you need, why are you asking for money?

They do wedding lists at B&Q. You could just list everything you need for your home improvements.

When we got married we asked for donations to our honeymoon fund and this made sure we were able to celebrate the beginning of our married life in a very special way. We made sure that every penny did go towards our honeymoon. We spent ages on our honeymoon writing postcards to everyone thanking them specifically. A friend of mine did something similar and took some amazing photos which she then had made into thank you cards when she got back. I have also bought things for friends from John Lewis etc lists but it's just not my cup of tea - it meant much more that all our friends and family were able to contribute towards a time that I will remember forever and is much more meaningful than a cushion. I think lots of people feel horrible about gathering lots of possessions even if really it's no more or less materialistic than having a special honeymoon. Possessions seem empty in a way that time spent together doing something special is (hopefully!) not.

It's lovely that so many people on here really care to think of personal presents for their friends too, though. But people feel odd about cash in a way that seems strange to me - boxed gifts have a price anyway, too.

To be completely honest-I wouldn't like to donate to a honeymoon.