To ask for monetary gifts for our weddin?

[TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied]

Everyone keeps asking what we want but we've lived together 2 years and have kids, we've got everything really. We'd rather just have the money and put it towards landscaping the garden or new curtains or a holiday or something, we're skint at the best of times.

Now I know it's terrible ettiquette, but we are getting married abroad and just having a wedding party at home, and I'm just writing the invites and thinking of putting this:

'We want your presence not your presents; however, if you should wish to grace us with a gift, we have lived together for two years and have everything we need, but a monetary gift towards home improvements would be much appreciated.'

I'm prepared to be stoned, I don't care. I just need to know whether it is too rude to do this.

I don't think anything at all should go on the invitation.If people ring to ask about presents, you could say that you are doing home improvements and suggest vouchers for a DIY store of your choice. I don't like to be asked for money-although I have given it in the past but that was my choice.

Actually, having just read your post saying that you binned presents that people bought you for your engagement, I really think you should insist on no presents, either money or gifts. Binning presents is just plain rude!

That message on those cards is making me feel rather ill. I hate cutesy messages.

I would much rather someone was upfront. I don't want to buy someone a gift that a) they might not like, b) they might not need and c) they won't have room for. If cash is what they need, cash is what they will get. If you don't say something in the invitation, you WILL get random gifts.

I do agree, in retrospect, that the wording is a bit crap though.

I have no problem giving money as a gift and I would never go to a wedding/reception without buying a gift (and I don't know anyone who would) but I am firmly in the "only tell people what you want if they ask" camp.

We didn't specifically mention presents at all on our invites - we just did an info sheet with directions, accommodation details etc. and then just put an email/tel no. for people to contact us if they had any other queries. I reckon about 70% of guests contacted us to ask about presents and at that point, I had no issues telling them what we would like.

I just think the assumption that everyone will buy a present is rude and I also hate the pun laden little rhymes

Sayithowitis- what would you suggest we do with gifts that won't fit in our house or loft? We are cluttered to the max as it is. The ones we could give away were given away.

DP and I have decided we're not going to put anything in the invitations- we can easily send things to a charity shop if we can't house it.

Thanks everyone for your input.

Put them on Ebay or give to Oxfam?

I don't have a problem with it at all - went into Thomas Cook a few weekends ago and paid some off a friends Honeymoon. It's what they wanted. What's the problem?

It is no different from enclosing a wedding list with the invitation, which is also rude and grasping.

Also I don't see how it is rude to dump gifts you have no space for as long as you are suitably grateful when receiving the gift.

It is not rude or grasping. People buy gifts for weddings, of course they do, it's silly to pretend that they don't. I bought all my friends gifts, they bought me gifts. There's nothing wrong with that, and it's so much better to know what they actually want.

i don't think you should ask for money, but i do know what you mean - you could always do what my BIL did, insist on no presents and no money!!

Trouble is, there are always going to be people who want to buy anyway. My friends got married recently and asked for donations to their honeymoon (they were done through a company so anonymous). I thought that was a nice idea but still felt it a little rude. But saying that, we are skint, i would rather have the option of donating a tenner anonymously than having to spend £20 or £30 on a bit of tat the wouldnt even like anyway.

TBH i find the whole wedding list thing a bloody cheek too.

My judgement after all - i think its a good idea.

i would be more upset if i found out my carefully chosen peice of tat had ended up in the charity shop, than i would if i were asked for money.

Tell you what, why not ask for donations to your favourite charity if you already have everything you need.

The normal way I see it on invitations to (not that subtly) ask for cash instead is "no boxed gifts please". Personally I would not write anything. I never mentioned presents on our invitations but still got mainly cash, a lot of people give cash these days as it is easier and you know it wont be something they can't use

Most people like to buy someone a present for their wedding, don't they? I would rather get thems something they like, or would be useful than rubbish that they a) may already own or b) don't like. I don't think there's a problem with asking for a contribution to something specific, like garden landscaping or a honeymoon. I'd rather do that then give cash for a non-specific purpose.

Yeah you can ask for cash, we did on our wedding invites. My mum did a poem for us too about saving for a house and although we got a couple of presents everyone else gave us money and nobody seemed offended. Its good if you tell guests exactly what you are planning to spend the money on. Or you could ask for garden centre vouchers or set up an account in a shop that folks can contribute to. As for the comments about selling tickets to your wedding, ignore them!! Who needs another toaster

'Now I know it's terrible ettiquette, but we are getting married abroad and just having a wedding party at home, and I'm just writing the invites and thinking of putting this'

It's not even a wedding and you're going to go asking for money?

Yeah, YABU.

I'm with Zachary and paisley.

If you're skint then why not just get married abroad and leave it at that instead of having a party and ask people for money.

YABU, fine if people ask you for ideas but sending requests for cash or wedding lists with invites is grasping and rude.

As its not really a wedding, just a party its almost like charging an entry fee.

Things cant be that tight for money if the wedding is abroad. Any guests will have already had to pay out lots to go without an additional cash request on top.

I tend to think it looks bad to say you just want their presence and then ask for money. The second statement contradicts the first. Say either one or the other.

Surely most people who know you will know you already have a house set up etc and won't get you basic things like salad bowls, sheets, wine glasses etc?

i hate being asked for money by anyone (a friend of mine who is fucking MINTED asked for money for her 40th birthday so she could buy some (more) jimmy choos-which she's worn once)i decided that on that point i wouldn't give money to anyone again-i think it says 'i don't trust you enough to choose something i wouldn't want to ebay'

i can't believe you are expecting presents from people for a party though (not even for the wedding) why don't you charge an admission fee and sell raffle tickets for whatever tat you get given as wedding pressies?

Talking from experience, we got married in Canada, where I'm from, and it is 'tradition' to give money (in my family anyway). We ended up using most of the money for our trip, and only a handful of people gave us presents - a picture frame and a painting. Now, I value those presents very much and regret in a way that I don't have more really things to remind me of our wedding day. So in my experience, I would say not to ask for money because it won't mean anything to you in 5 - 10 - 15 years time. Starting again, we would have chosen a very nice painting or rug, or something like that, and ask people to make a contribution towards it. We would be able to look and appreciate the item every day and remind us of our special day. Sounds tacky, I know, but it's how I feel.

How would you find out what happened to your present after you'd given it unless you asked for status updates?

I too preferred to get presents rather than money but I didn't feel I could specify that (when asked) in case people didn't have the time or know what to get. So I just asked my mother to tell people that we would be delighted with any present or none.

"Why not just sell tickets?" is just being obtuse - it's so obviously not like that!

OP - why people think it's ruder to refuse unwanted things than it is to give them, I'll never know!
You would not BU at all to do this as originally planned!

When a friend of mine got married recently, he put a similar rhyme into his invitations but regarding donations to the honeymoon fund if absolutely necessary.
I found it not only a great relief but nice to think that - even though I could only spare a tenner - it would be far more appreciated over the couple of cocktails it could buy rather than some old tut they'd feel obliged to pretend they'd used every day of their wedded life!

I wouldnt even think to bring a present to a party, a bottle of something yes, a present no, an envelope stuffed with cash, definitely not