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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask for monetary gifts for our weddin?

208 replies

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 12/07/2009 12:58

Everyone keeps asking what we want but we've lived together 2 years and have kids, we've got everything really. We'd rather just have the money and put it towards landscaping the garden or new curtains or a holiday or something, we're skint at the best of times.

Now I know it's terrible ettiquette, but we are getting married abroad and just having a wedding party at home, and I'm just writing the invites and thinking of putting this:

'We want your presence not your presents; however, if you should wish to grace us with a gift, we have lived together for two years and have everything we need, but a monetary gift towards home improvements would be much appreciated.'

I'm prepared to be stoned, I don't care. I just need to know whether it is too rude to do this.

OP posts:
BikeRunSki · 12/07/2009 19:02

Friend of ours in a similar situation said something along the lines of "We have everything we need, our house is lovely but our garden is a tip. We'd really appreciate national garden centre vouchers, or some manual labour, plants, cuttings or gardening tools, to help sort it out."

They are having a bbq next week end for their wedding guests to show off their lovely new garden.

BikeRunSki · 12/07/2009 19:03

Some other friends of our asked for Debenhams/Next vouchers to help do up their house, and spent some of them on shoes and clothes. I would have been livid if I had known them at the time!

lockets · 12/07/2009 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ray81 · 12/07/2009 19:12

Dear lord some people are so unreasonable and i dont mean the OP.

I have been to many a wedding where cash is requested and have no problems giving this. It saves me alot of hassel having to try and find a present they like and worrying about if it is nice enough.
people who do not want to give cash on the basis of the couple having more money then them or because it means that they will have a holiday, just sounds like petty jealousy from where i'm sitting. People that are invited are meant to be friends and therefore will be very happy if they can give something that will make you happy.

when we got married we asked for either B and Q vouchers or cash and we got both, we did explain that it was for our kitchen we had no complaints and realy didnt think anything of asking. we also had a few poeple say what a good idea it was and made their life so much easier.
how is it any different from a gift list? i know someone who put a sofa on their gift list FGS who in their right mind was going to buy them a sofa fgs. Now that is rude.

hellywobs · 12/07/2009 19:14

I would much rather give vouchers than something somebody doesn't really want, or has put on a list because they feel they have to. But cash seems a bit inappropriate (though I would have rather have had cash for my honeymoon!).

beanieb · 12/07/2009 19:16

People will tell you not to do it but who really cares. We've asked for cash or for them to get a gift of their own choosing. Just ask, it's not unreasonable and people who think it is are just snobs.

geordieminx · 12/07/2009 19:24

Like Tilly, we are getting married in October, sent out the invotes and didnt mention anything about presents/cash/vouchers.

We would prefer it if people made the decision themselves - if they want to buy a present fine, if they want to give us money thats fine too, alternatively if they cant afford to buy us anything as they are coming to the wedding and paying the associated costs then thats fine too.

Although I understand the concept of the anonymous "wishing well" so that people can donate without anyone knowing how much they have put in to me its no better than a begging bowl - you might as well stand inside the reception venue with yout hands cupped and a sign round your neck " rude and skint"

junglist1 · 12/07/2009 19:46

OP I wouldn't find it offensive, I find the wording suggestion hilarious actually "We have everything we need so would rather have money for home improvements"

canttouchthis · 12/07/2009 20:00

WorldofSab I also agree with your comment.

I hate people demanding what they want in an invite for a wedding. I decide what I get the couple, it's up to me what gift I give. usually it's a cheque because I just reach into a drawer and pull out the cheque book, write one out and pop it in the card. No faffing about with cash or having to go out my way to buy silly vouchers.

The past 6 weddings I've been to since 2007, each couple has been given a cheque. Some have had those wedding gift lists but I tend to just ignore them. Usually it's a fork and a napkin ring that's left on the list by the time I look at it, so not really worth my while bothering...

As for those poems!Don't get me started...

LilyAllensThirdNipple · 12/07/2009 20:01

yes the poems are shit

canttouchthis

you do get me humming you know

canttouchthis · 12/07/2009 20:05

geordieminx, more couples should be like you. you aren't money-grabbing, you aren't being presumptious at all. that's how it's meant to be: we take what we are given (if we are lucky enough to be given anything at all).

We also did the same, we never had a gift list or demanded any money. We just let people feel free to give a present or not, whether that be vouchers/cheques/cash or a really nice present. We ended up getting a lot of money (and it was just a bonus because we weren't expecting much atall).

If you go in expecting nothing, you usually find that you'll end up better off.

6inchnipples · 12/07/2009 20:19

Personally don't like the ebay cards. Bit tacky and cheesy.

I'd say in a more straight forward way, we have everything because we have lived together for years now but we are saving up for X and few quid towards that would be better

Or ask for b and q vouchers

Chunkamatic · 12/07/2009 20:20

Every single wedding I have been to in recent years has included something along the lines of what the OP is suggesting, although I have to say without the presence/presents pun which is a bit rubbish!

I have never even thought to be offended! I would rather people are upfront in what they want. If they would rather have cash then i'll give them as much as I see fit and they can spend it on whatever they desire.

OP i wouldnt worry too much about some of the posts on here which are actually a bit rude. It's your wedding/party so do what you want. I would have similar on my invites and if anyone was offended I would assume they were just being a miser! After all, you've actually asked them not to give you anything so it's not rude or grasping at all imo!!!

saggyhairyarse · 12/07/2009 20:24

I don't like receiving a wedding list in an invitation so personally I wouldn't ask for anything but if your guests ask you what you would like I would say 'we want for nothing but we have set up a landscaping the garden fund' so if you would like to contribute to that we would really appreciate it.

Chunkamatic · 12/07/2009 20:25

But canttouchthis I dont see why what the OP is saying is that much different? She is saying she doesnt want or expect anything but merely suggesting for those friends who do want to give them a gift something that they as a couple would find useful. Why is that so vulgar?

donttrythisathome · 12/07/2009 20:47

YABU. You're not even inviting people to the wedding ceremony (the most important bit) but expecting them to stump up with cash.

Crass.

johnthepong · 12/07/2009 20:50

No no no no no please do not ask for money. Its awful.

Even worse do NOT send one of those awful poems. Awful.

If you really want money, write nothing about presents in the invite; you will probably find that 90% of people will just give you money anyway.

AppleandMosesMummy · 12/07/2009 20:57

I do not understand why people want to inflict their taste on others instead of giving them money towards something they might actually use, it's really strange IMO.
I have no problem with putting £50 in a card and if that's what you want you should ask for it, if people would rather you have a matching set of place mats then I guess that's their choice but they then shouldn't be offended when they see them in the window of the local cancer research shop.

nomorecake · 12/07/2009 21:08

i usually give money. or if theres a wedding list, something from that.
if couples have been together a while, then they'll have everything.

i'm spending the same amount on them (whether it a gift or cash), so i would prefer that money to be used for something they want, even if thats contributing to the wedding.

sobloodystupid · 12/07/2009 21:09

I always give money whether it is a friend or family member getting married, whether rich or poor, I think cash is always acceptable!Imo, people are very generous in the main anyway, among my friends and family, the usual is about ?200 for friend getting married, higher for family. Don't say anything about presents in your invite, but make sure your bridesmaid and mum know that you would like money or vouchers for B&Q, if anyone asks them. Hope you have a wonderful day...

liliputlady · 12/07/2009 21:12

It annoys me when people mention wedding gifts, vouchers or money in their invitations. I prefer to ask them what they want first and then I'm happy to give them any of those.

Recently friends of ours got married and had asked for money. I was worried about our cheque going missing but the bride had been very organised and had made a postbox to post donations in to!!! thought that was a brill idea.

TheOddOne · 12/07/2009 21:23

The problem is is that if you get married at 23 and are setting up home like i did then people go awwww she wants some pots and pans / place mats / towels - lets go for it.

If you get married at 35 and have lived together for 5 yrs (the wedding i'm off to in a couple of weeks) people think getting what you want is grasping - how despicable they want money towards a honeymoon / patio.

It's not fair.

expatinscotland · 12/07/2009 21:28

'It's not fair. '

How is it fair to demand 'what you want' in hte form of cash from guests no matter what your age?

That's just fecking rude.

If you can't afford a honeymoon then don't have one until you save up for it rather than demanding your guests stump up for it or any other gift isn't acceptable because, heaven forbid!, it's not what you want.

WorldofSab · 12/07/2009 21:34

At the end of the day, it's a gift that people are giving - if you put conditions on that gift, it ceases to be a gift, and becomes a demand.

When my best friend got married, I gave her 2 vintage vases, with a card that said - love them or hate them, at least you'll remember who gave you them

To me that's what it's about - if people felt they wanted to give a gift, it was far nicer to get something personal that meant something, rather than a £20 B&Q voucher x

Bonneville · 12/07/2009 21:37

World - I agree -asking for cash is a demand. It really is rude and crass. Even more so if people arent even being invited to the wedding.

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