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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to exclude this boy from DD's party?

157 replies

gonaenodaethat · 12/07/2009 09:25

DD wants to have an early evening disco for her classmates on her 11th birthday.

She currently has a broken arm caused by some rough play at school involving two boys in her class. Now, I know they didn't mean to hurt her and certainly not to break her arm but while one of the boys has been very apologetic, sending her a card etc, the other one is denying responsibility and hasn't apologised.

I'm cross about this because if ever there is any trouble in the class then this boy is involoved. He has been excluded in the past and has assaulted a teacher.

I don't want this boy at DD's party. DD is frightened of him and I don't feel like taking responsibility for him at a party.

On the other hand he's just a little boy and I hate the thought of anyone doing the same to any of mine.

So, what to do?

OP posts:
cornsilk · 12/07/2009 09:26

Will he be the only child in the class who isn't invited?

Original poster
gonaenodaethat · 12/07/2009 09:29

He would be. That's why I'm not comfortable.

OP posts:
2shoes · 12/07/2009 09:29

don't invite him.
if your dd is scared of him, why should her special party be ruined by his attending.

Scrumblicious · 12/07/2009 09:30

It really depends on whether he will be the only child not invited. I think it would be cruel to exclude only him (despite understanding your reasons), but if there will be others who aren't invited then it would be fine not to invite him.

HTH

PuppyMonkey · 12/07/2009 09:31

Reduce the guest list? Just have girls?

4andnotout · 12/07/2009 09:31

I certainly wouldn't invite him.

dilemma456 · 12/07/2009 09:32

Message withdrawn

allaboutme · 12/07/2009 09:34

i wouldnt invite him and perhaps i might even explain to the teacher why so that if the child or parent asks the teacher about it then it will be clear
might even prompt him to look at his attitude and think about apologising!

Goblinchild · 12/07/2009 09:34

It's simple really and something he needs to learn, however old he is.
Action=consequence.

Adults don't invite people they dislke or are frightened of to their celebrations, so why should your daughter?
Perhaps as he develops more understanding of social relationships and responsibilities, the situation will improve.
Just make it clear to the parents that you are not demonising him, or unwilling to be friendly in the future, it's just not appropriate at this time for him to be at the party until he has more self-control and takes responsibility for his actions.

junglist1 · 12/07/2009 09:34

The problem is, he could cause more problems for her if he's the ONLY one not invited. I'd cut the guest list further if I was you.

Goblinchild · 12/07/2009 09:36

Are they going to the same secondary school?

HecatesTwopenceworth · 12/07/2009 09:39

I wouldn't invite him.

Why would you put his feelings above the feelings of your own child?

Because if you invite someone who she is afraid of - that is what you are doing. Saying avoiding him feeling excluded is more important than her feeling happy at her party.

Bugger him. Perhaps people not wanting him around is what he needs to take a good hard look at himself.

saintlydamemrsturnip · 12/07/2009 09:41

I would avoid him by not inviting everyone else. As he didn't deliberately set out to beak her arm then I would be wary of using that as a reason. I broke my arm as a kid when someone landed in me. Just one of those things and I wouldn't have expected an apology. I wouldn't not invite just him.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 12/07/2009 09:44

But then you are excluding other children for the sole purpose of avoiding inviting him without letting him know it is him you don't want.

That is not fair on those children.

Why shouldn't someone know that their behaviour means others don't want to be around them? Why is it a good idea to try to protect them from that knowledge? Sometimes you need a hard truth.

oldraver · 12/07/2009 09:46

I agree with ALLABOUTME. He needs to learn there are consequences to his actions and if you did invite him it would send the message he can get away with his bas behaviour

My first concern though would be your DD's feelings and her fright of him, that would be enough NOT to invite him. I dont think it matters if the whole class are invited and he isnt.

saintmaybe · 12/07/2009 09:51

They didn't mean to hurt her, and it's the end of year 6.
He'd be the only one in the class not invited?
I do see that you're worried about taking responsibility for him, but that seems really harsh.

cornsilk · 12/07/2009 09:53

How did they break her arm?

piscesmoon · 12/07/2009 09:58

I wouldn't invite him but that means that you can't possibly invite all the rest of the class-that would be mean and vindictive. The DS might have all sort of problems that you are unaware of. I would just invite her friends.

Original poster
gonaenodaethat · 12/07/2009 09:59

One of tripped her and she fell over and the other one threw her friend on top of her.

Not sure at which stage the arm was broken. She is in an above elbow cast and will be for most of the Summer holidays.

It's the end of year 5 saint. She is old for the year and I'd need to book the room now. I'm just seeing what you all think now because if I feel we need to invite him then I might try to steer DD in a different direction for her party.

I don't know if they'll be going to the same secondary - hope not.

OP posts:
saintlydamemrsturnip · 12/07/2009 09:59

If he'd deliberately set out to hurt her I wouldn't hesitate to exclude him. But it sounds as if it was part of rough play. He comes with history so will be judged more harshly and yes a card would have been nice, but as it was accidental I think to expect an apology could be a bit unfair. So I'm not sure he will learn anything from an exclusion other than he gets treated harshly for an accident. Doesn't mean there aren't other reasons to exclude him but I'm not sure about punishing him for an accident.

Of course you wouldn't tell him why he was being excluded so I guess the reasons don't matter. How would your de feel about him being the only one left out? Would it make things difficult for her?

Goblinchild · 12/07/2009 10:02

Sorry, I assumed that as a July birthday, she'd be one of the youngest in Y6. I take it you are not in England then?

saintlydamemrsturnip · 12/07/2009 10:02

Oh cross posted. If you were excluding based on that incident then I would exclude the other too. It sounds like more than accidental- potentially- but depends how it was played out iyswim.

cornsilk · 12/07/2009 10:03

I can see why you're angry but it does sound like an accident. Did that happen at school? Is that normal play for their playground?
Poor dd being in a cast all summer.

Original poster
gonaenodaethat · 12/07/2009 10:07

DD says 'Let's invite him and hope he doesn't come'.

Saintly - don't you think you should apologise even if it's an accident? He broke her arm! If I bump into someone in the street I apologise even though it's an accident. DD is a quiet, slightly bookish little girl who was playing with her friends when they knocked her over in some testosterone fuelled lets get the girls attention horseplay.

I think she deserves an apology and if she had done it to one of them I'd've rung their parents and apologised to them too!

OP posts:
Spidermama · 12/07/2009 10:08

I think your dd should be surrounded by people she likes and with whom she's comfortable on her birthday. I would also have thought that at 11 it should be up to her to make up the guest list no?

I would never invite and entire class. I think it's too many.

I agree with others about reducing the guest list and cherry pick ten or fifteen. Can you have friends who aren't from school too?

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