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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to exclude this boy from DD's party?

157 replies

gonaenodaethat · 12/07/2009 09:25

DD wants to have an early evening disco for her classmates on her 11th birthday.

She currently has a broken arm caused by some rough play at school involving two boys in her class. Now, I know they didn't mean to hurt her and certainly not to break her arm but while one of the boys has been very apologetic, sending her a card etc, the other one is denying responsibility and hasn't apologised.

I'm cross about this because if ever there is any trouble in the class then this boy is involoved. He has been excluded in the past and has assaulted a teacher.

I don't want this boy at DD's party. DD is frightened of him and I don't feel like taking responsibility for him at a party.

On the other hand he's just a little boy and I hate the thought of anyone doing the same to any of mine.

So, what to do?

OP posts:
ingles2 · 13/07/2009 10:19

well pisces, we're obviously mixing with a completely different species of 11 yr old boy.
I checked with both of my boys and neither would be bothered about not being invited to a party, even a whole class party.
They asked if it was their best friend and I said no, a girl... They seemed slightly confused as to why they would be bothered. I then asked if they talked about upcoming parties and the answer was again, no....
This boy wouldn't care, but you don't need an excuse the dd doesn't like him, is frightened of him, why on earth would you invite him?
Inviting the whole class because you don't want to upset anyone is for reception not yr 5 or 6.
btw, having run a million PTA discos, I can confidently say, none of the yr 5-6 boys dance!

dittany · 13/07/2009 14:12

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katiestar · 13/07/2009 15:01

Maybe the parents are afraid you will sue them for the broken arm if he admits responsibility by apologising.I know you wouldn't ,but I wouldn't put it past some people.

Scrumblicious · 13/07/2009 16:10

"I'm saddened that there are adults here who would put the feelings of two boys who tripped up a girl and broke her arm over the feelings of the little girl who got their arm broken by them."

Who would do that then? I certainly haven't suggested putting this boy's feelings before anybody elses. What I have said is that in my opinion it wouldn't be right to exclude just this one child. I agree he shouldn't be invited if the OP's DD doesn't want him there. I don't agree with not inviting just one child. That would be unnecessarily unkind.

If the child had maliciously hurt the OP's DD then I would feel differently. But it was an accident. A silly one that shouldn't have happened - but still an accident.

dittany · 13/07/2009 16:14

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piscesmoon · 13/07/2009 16:30

To me, excluding only 2 children from a class party is bullying-I am surprised that adults think it is alright to behave in that way, if they think the DC deserves it.

I am sure that my DSs would say the same in a hypothetical case ingles-it might be different if it wasn't hypothetical and they knew that everyone was going to something but they were deliberately excluded.

Year 5 and 6 want to belong. Reception classes are not bothered about parties. I have just been in one this afternoon and a girl handed out 3 invitations at the end of the day. I have been in the same class twice recently and DCs have handed out less than 6 invitations each time, and no one was remotely bothered or interested. It is only parents who have the whole class parties who cause a problem by raising the expectations.

OP is doing the sensible thing and not having the whole class, but have friends from other activities.
There is no way that I would invite a DC who had broken my DCs arm to her party but I wouldn't go to the vindictive length of having everyone else but not him and then pass it off as 'he is a rough DC and won't care anyway'. How do you know? Just because your DC doesn't care doesn't mean that all DCs don't care.
There is many a thread on mumsnet from parents who have DCs who are very sad to be excluded-I can just hear the parents of popular DCs saying 'it doesn't matter-I don't think he cares and he is an odd/rough/troublesome DC anyway'.
If you don't know, it is better to be kind.

piscesmoon · 13/07/2009 16:32

'Nobody seems concerned about the feelings of the little girl having to either change the format of her party or be forced to invite a boy she is rightly scared of to it.'

I think everyone is in total agreement that he isn't invited! The unfair thing is then to have everyone else.

dittany · 13/07/2009 16:38

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daftpunk · 13/07/2009 16:43

i wouldn't invite him...if your dd is frightened of him i'm suprized you're even considering it..

flashharriet · 13/07/2009 16:46

I agree with whoever said ask the boys but say they can only come with a chaperone each because DD is scared of them. That way, they realise their actions have consequences but are not being excluded and OP's DD gets to have the party she wants

piscesmoon · 13/07/2009 16:53

You have tried these boys and judged them dittany without knowing them, without hearing their side of the story and without knowing what actually went on with the rough play and without knowing their home circumstances!
At least OP had some worries about how he would feel. He is an 11 yr old CHILD.
Not inviting him to the party is sufficient and understandable, getting revenge by making sure that he (and possibly one other boy)are the only ones not going isn't very nice. It isn't going to put the DD out-she isn't 'best buddies'with everyone in the class-there must be some that she has very little to do with and would much rather have 'real friends' from guides etc.

I am not saying anything more about it- but I get the impression that some people would like to send round the heavy mob to break his arm, so he knows what it feels like!

dittany · 13/07/2009 17:00

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Fairynufff · 13/07/2009 17:02

Just wanted to add my weight to the 'exclude and be the big bad witch' lobby. If more badly behaved children got a taste of their own medicine society would be a better place. Yes, he is an 11 year old 'child' but he's not being sent to Australia in chains to break rocks fgs....he's being excluded from a girl's party being an anti-social little yob. If he doesn't feel bad about breaking someone's arm enough to apologise he won't be crying into his pillow about this. Trust me. But your DD might.

Don't invite him.

Scrumblicious · 13/07/2009 17:04

"If someone tripped you up, pushed someone on top of you and your arm got broken, wouldn't apologise and you were scared of them, how would you feel about them? Would you care if they were the only one not invited to your party?"

Yes, I would care! And so does the OP's DD who has suggested inviting the boy despite her feelings about him. This shows empathy and maturity in my opinion.

If I didn't want him there I wouldn't invite him.

I would not be so cruel as to exclude only him though.

Fairynufff · 13/07/2009 17:05

Lordy... not inviting people to a party is being 'cruel' is it? I wasn't invited to the Queen's garden party this year. Is that being cruel to me?

dittany · 13/07/2009 17:08

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Curiousmama · 13/07/2009 17:13

Swimming parties are good would she like that?

dittany · 13/07/2009 17:14

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Curiousmama · 13/07/2009 17:18

didn't realise it had just happened, scrap swimming then.

Hope she has a lovely day whatever is decided.

Also if you do go ahead and invite him then the idea of getting his mum to come and watch him is a good one.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 13/07/2009 17:25

I like your all girls disco. DD gets the party she wants and non-apologising DC isn't invited. Seems a sensible solution to a tricky issue.

Hope you have a brilliant time

piscesmoon · 13/07/2009 17:27

'"If someone tripped you up, pushed someone on top of you and your arm got broken, wouldn't apologise and you were scared of them, how would you feel about them? Would you care if they were the only one not invited to your party?"

I wouldn't like them dittany-I would keep away from them and I wouldn't invite them to my party! But I wouldn't make them the only child not invited.

I had no idea until I read this thread that an anti bullying policy was only to protect the 'nice' child-I naively thought it was to protect all DCs. Excluding is a classic example of bullying, and is wrong-I can't see how you pick and choose. I don't agree with saying 'that DC is horrible-we can bully him as much as we like because he deserves it and doesn't deserve the same protection as a 'nice' DC.

I agree with Scrumbilicious that the OP's DD shows empathy and maturity-a pity more adults can't do it!

I think schools should rewrite their anti bullying policies and put in a clause that says -if your DC is 'horrible' they deserve all they get and we will stand by and watch!!

dittany · 13/07/2009 17:35

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DandyLioness · 13/07/2009 17:36

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2shoes · 13/07/2009 17:44

omo this thread has made me gald that ds is 17 and I know longer have to worry about the "rules"
I can see no reason tbh why some one should have to invite the boy who broke her arm to her party, I also don't see why to not do is bullying. once again I think people are using the word bullying in the wrong context.

piscesmoon · 13/07/2009 17:46

'I don't want this boy at DD's party. DD is frightened of him and I don't feel like taking responsibility for him at a party.

On the other hand he's just a little boy and I hate the thought of anyone doing the same to any of mine.'

OP put it all in a nutshell at the beginning-especially the words 'little boy'.

I wish people would stop saying that I think he should go to the party! I DO NOT THINK THAT HE SHOULD GO TO HER PARTY-and I have said so in every post.

I have merely said that it isn't very nice to have the whole class except one or two children, and I stand by that. OP and OP's DD seem quite happy to have some of the class and other friends, or even all girls. I hope that she has a lovely party and I think she will enjoy it much more with proper friends anyway.

Sometimes children who are crying out for help behave extremely badly. What is wrong with setting a good example and being kind? And in case anyone misinterprets this-kind doesn't extent to inviting to the party. HE SHOULDN'T GO TO THE PARTY.