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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to exclude this boy from DD's party?

157 replies

gonaenodaethat · 12/07/2009 09:25

DD wants to have an early evening disco for her classmates on her 11th birthday.

She currently has a broken arm caused by some rough play at school involving two boys in her class. Now, I know they didn't mean to hurt her and certainly not to break her arm but while one of the boys has been very apologetic, sending her a card etc, the other one is denying responsibility and hasn't apologised.

I'm cross about this because if ever there is any trouble in the class then this boy is involoved. He has been excluded in the past and has assaulted a teacher.

I don't want this boy at DD's party. DD is frightened of him and I don't feel like taking responsibility for him at a party.

On the other hand he's just a little boy and I hate the thought of anyone doing the same to any of mine.

So, what to do?

OP posts:
2shoes · 12/07/2009 22:41

katiestar if the said child had broken the groom/brides arm you might make sense.

devotion · 12/07/2009 22:43

i'm surprised this boys mother has not made him apologise.

does your dd like him? if not then dont invite him.

he is old enough to deal with it. it may make him think about the fact that in the future he should apologise to people who he hurts even if it was a mistake.

ingles2 · 12/07/2009 22:44

All this discussion and I'm pretty sure this 11 yr old will just not care if he's invited to the party or not!
Boys just don't get that hung up about it, particularly if it's a girls party.
Neither of my boys are bothered if they are invited to parties or not... they'd only care if it was their best friends.
Parents are much more concerned

devotion · 12/07/2009 22:46

ingles2 - i agree... unless he is sensitive. my friends son would get upset by this.

but even if he did get upset by this then he would forget it about it soon anyway.

piscesmoon · 12/07/2009 22:48

The boy may well care if he is the only one excluded-the ones that care the most are most often the ones that don't show it.

He sounds to me as if he has problems.

Whatever the circumstances there is never a justification for excluding one or two DCs from a whole class party.

katiestar · 12/07/2009 22:48

I thought the of them had been all involved in rough play whatever that was which caused the little girl's arm to get broken.I hadn't taken that as being there was malice or even blame on anyone's part.Perhaps the OP could clarify ,because it's abit hard to answer if we don't know that ?

2shoes · 12/07/2009 22:50

I think a broken arm is a justification

2shoes · 12/07/2009 22:51

By gonaenodaethat on Sun 12-Jul-09 09:59:37
One of tripped her and she fell over and the other one threw her friend on top of her.

Not sure at which stage the arm was broken. She is in an above elbow cast and will be for most of the Summer holidays.

It's the end of year 5 saint. She is old for the year and I'd need to book the room now. I'm just seeing what you all think now because if I feel we need to invite him then I might try to steer DD in a different direction for her party.

I don't know if they'll be going to the same secondary - hope not.

here you go katiestar

dittany · 12/07/2009 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piscesmoon · 12/07/2009 22:53

'On the other hand he's just a little boy and I hate the thought of anyone doing the same to any of mine.
'

The OP makes the point herself-I can't believe the harshness on this thread towards a young child!
The answer is so easy-have a party with friends only. OP's DD doesn't have a boy she doesn't want and DCs aren't upset if they don't get invited.
I don't know why any DC would want the whole class anyway-unless it is a very small class.

ingles2 · 12/07/2009 22:56

How would he know he's the only one excluded?
It's not like infants where teacher hands out all the invitations or mums are waiting in the playground to receive them.
Come yr 5 and 6 loads of kids walk to school themselves, they might see an invitation given out to one or 2, but it's not something boys discuss.
My 9 yr old and his friends are just the same.
A birthday might be mentioned then it's promptly forgotten because playing football is much more important, and a invitation given to ds1 is likely it to bury itself at the bottom of a tray or desk only to resurface at the end of term.

ingles2 · 12/07/2009 22:58

'This says it all...
'On the other hand he's just a little boy and I hate the thought of anyone doing the same to any of mine"...
the parents hate the thought, ....
the majority of children don't really care.

dittany · 12/07/2009 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piscesmoon · 12/07/2009 23:04

Of course they know who is going (if it is a whole class party)-they always do!! If they somehow miss it I expect one DC will take it upon themselves to explain it to them!
I am not surprised that bullying is rife when you have adults who think it is acceptable to exclude a couple of DCs from a whole class party.
No circumstances make it acceptable to be so vindictive to an 11 yr old. If OP is set upon that course of action she at least ought to talk to him first IMO.
I find the whole thing very, very sad.
It confirms my view that I hate whole class parties. There would be no problem if it was a party for friends.

DandyLioness · 12/07/2009 23:07

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Message withdrawn

katiestar · 12/07/2009 23:07

Could you not leave a few of the boys off teh guest list and then invite extra girls from another class ,so she still has the same number of guests.
Apart from the matter at hand you will make it so much easier for yourself to hve more girls & lessboys.From my experience of PTA discos most boys that age don't really like it and soon start acting up

Clary · 12/07/2009 23:12

I agree with others, apology in order even if an accident.

DS1 hurt a friend in a totally accidental incident (not a broken arm but fairly serious) and I got him to write a note to the friend and I also rang up the parents to apologise.

WRT the party, I hear you that you want lots of people at a disco ? but I might be tempted to reduce the list slightly ? maybe get DD to pick her 20 best pals. She can?t possibly be mega-friendly with the entire class? As others say, couldn?t you bulk out the numbers if needed with pals from elsewhere ? Brownies, ballet, sports clubs ? who don?t go to her school?

But I certainly would have no compunction about not inviting a particular child. Especially one my DD was scared of. I have a couple of names on the ?no way? list to any of my DD?s parties after an incident two years ago. So shoot me, inclusive ones. I?m not spoiling her party again so they can get invited. Agree, a repeated lack of invites may give a child pause to wonder why (doubt it tho).

nooka · 12/07/2009 23:21

If everyone is going then it is pretty unlikely it won't get talked about. I asked ds about this and he said he would be very sad to be the only one not invited, but he would understand if he had hurt the party holder. When I asked what he would do however he said he would invite everyone (this was more at the idea of being able to invite everyone though ).

Original poster
gonaenodaethat · 12/07/2009 23:54

Thanks for your replies everyone.
I've been out and am surprised by the number of replies. All helpful.

I feel a bit clearer now in my thoughts. I like the idea of asking other kids - friends from Guides, dancing etc. Think I might chicken out altogether and just ask girls!

I don't think there was ever any chance that I was going to leave out just him and was looking for a way round it.
Am going to book the room and disco tomorrow.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
nooka · 13/07/2009 00:16

Nothing wrong with just girls at age 11. Probably more enjoyable all round. Boys just race around in any case (at least that's what my ds does!) whereas girls take their dancing quite seriously

piscesmoon · 13/07/2009 06:53

I am glad that you are not just going to exclude 2 children-a party is not the time to send 'a strong message'. Inviting them from guides etc is an excellent idea.

'I also agree that they are likely not to care. Perhaps they wouldn't be very keen on going to a girl's disco party anyway. (I'd hate to see their moves on the dance floor ...)

I really have trouble thinking that people square it with their conscience by thinking this. It is no wonder that young men have a tough time when 11 yr old boys are written off -they are the ones that really care but they go to great lengths not to show it.
Troublesome boys often have excellent moves on the dance floor.

I never understand the whole class party thing. People start it when they are very young and are not bothered about parties. At 5 I would have found a party of someone I didn't know well an ordeal, but by the age of 11 they really care and want to belong.

They won't be bothered if it is just a small group and they won't be bothered if they are a popular DC, but they will be upset if it is either a whole class do and they are excluded or they are an unpopular DC-they just get very adept at not showing it.

Anyone who thinks that most of the class is going to/has gone to a party and the rest won't know hasn't spent much time in a top junior class! They will know.

Not inviting them is fine-rubbing their noses in it is not fine.

Scrumblicious · 13/07/2009 07:07

I'm glad you've found a solution you're happy with that doesn't mean excluding just one child.

I must admit I am saddened that so many adults would happily treat a young child this way. And I'm also dismayed at the view that 11 year old boys 'don't care' and 'wouldn't want to come anyway'. Do people really believe that these boys are devoid of feeling and emotion? They are sometimes clumsy in articulating their feelings but that doesn't mean they don't have those feelings!

Fruitysunshine · 13/07/2009 07:19

Perhaps his parents don't even know what has happened. I hope your DD enjoys her party and her summer even though she is in cast!

I do dislike these kind of dilemmas!

piscesmoon · 13/07/2009 08:16

His parents may not be the kind to have ever suggested that he apologise for something-not all DCs are lucky enough to have caring, supportive parents who set a good example.

When my DC hurt another DC by jumping off a see-saw when it wasn't expected, he was very upset and disappeared up to his bedroom. I knew something wasn't right and went to find out. It was a complete accident, but he had to take responsibility. We went round together to apologise. They were all very nice about it.

Not all DCs have this support-without it, my DS would have skulked in his room and pretended it didn't happen.

They are children- the harsh critics on here are expecting a mature response that is beyond a lot of them, at that age.

DandyLioness · 13/07/2009 10:05

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Message withdrawn