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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to exclude this boy from DD's party?

157 replies

gonaenodaethat · 12/07/2009 09:25

DD wants to have an early evening disco for her classmates on her 11th birthday.

She currently has a broken arm caused by some rough play at school involving two boys in her class. Now, I know they didn't mean to hurt her and certainly not to break her arm but while one of the boys has been very apologetic, sending her a card etc, the other one is denying responsibility and hasn't apologised.

I'm cross about this because if ever there is any trouble in the class then this boy is involoved. He has been excluded in the past and has assaulted a teacher.

I don't want this boy at DD's party. DD is frightened of him and I don't feel like taking responsibility for him at a party.

On the other hand he's just a little boy and I hate the thought of anyone doing the same to any of mine.

So, what to do?

OP posts:
Lovesdogsandcats · 12/07/2009 12:02

Agree with all saying he needs to know actions - consequences.

If he is pussy footed around he will never learn.

IMO he should not be invited, and also told why should he ask.

Scrumblicious · 12/07/2009 12:17

But the OP has already accepted that it was an accident and that he certainly didn't mean to break her arm. So really, you would be punishing him for not apologising, not for the incident itself. That's a harsh punishment.

I agree that he should have apologised (accident or not) - but I think his parents should have made him apologise if he didn't have maturity to do so of his own free will.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 12/07/2009 13:20

What matters is that the op's daughter is afraid of him. For that reason alone she should not be forced to have him at her party. Children do not have a right to attend parties. The op's daughter does however have the right to have a nice time at her party with people she likes.

Scrumblicious · 12/07/2009 15:27

I agree that she should not have to have this particular boy at her party if she doesn't want him there. What I don't agree with is that it is right to exclude only him. That would be extremely unkind IMO.

I suspect even the OP's DD realises this, as she herself has suggested inviting the boy and just hoping he doesn't accept the invite, despite not wanting him there. She is obviously a very kind little girl and the OP must be proud of her.

daisy5678 · 12/07/2009 20:13

I don't know. J has autism and ADHD and has been quite violent to some of his peers in the past. Party invites dwindled...and dwindled...and dwindled. Complaints were made to the school etc. etc.

Now I can see why the parents were upset. I would have been too. A bit of work had to be done wth his peers about not deliberately winding J up and his HT needed some string reminders about the legal implications of not having the full time TA as written into J's Statement and things have improved. But he still isn't invited to parties more than a couple of times a year, despite having his own very well-attended and even some of his best friends' parents don't have him at any of their parties.

I can't tell you how sad it makes me, even though I totally understand why. It just breaks my heart when he comes home all bewildered about why loads of his close friends don't even invite him .

He doesn't relate it back to some incidents many months ago; it just makes him very very unhappy and makes him feel more and more rejected, which hie's quite sensitive to anyway. If there was a whole class party and he was the only one not invited, he'd be distraught.

Now, I'm sure the boy in question isn't autistic and doesn't have ADHD, but I still don't think he'll make the link between breaking your dd's arm and being excluded from the party - cause and effect has to be pretty immediate with 11 year olds, IME. So it will just mean he's left out for (in his head) a random reason. Maybe he does deserve it. I don't know. But I just wanted to post the view 'from the other side' - it is shit to be left out, whatever a child has done.

saggyhairyarse · 12/07/2009 20:28

I wouldn't invite a child that broke my childs arm if they had not apologised and my child was afraid of them. It's a no brainer surely?

Yes, he is a little boy, a little boy whos game went beyond too far and better he learn now that if you behave like that people don't like you and you will miss out imvho.

DandyLioness · 12/07/2009 21:00

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lou031205 · 12/07/2009 21:00

Going against the grain - invite him with proviso that his mother attends to help.

nooka · 12/07/2009 21:24

My ds struggles with cause and effect, and has done since he was fairly small (it has been suggested he has some special needs, but nothing diagnosable, apart from dyslexia). He is 10, and I think that the law is ridiculous in suggesting that a 10 year old has the same grasp of the consequences of their actions as an adult. They don't. I'm not sure that a true sense of consequences is really embedded much before 20 or so in perfectly "normal" children, otherwise their would not be teenage pregnancies, drug abuse, smoking, binge drinking etc. I am a risk manager professionally and I am not too sure that even most experienced and sensible adults act in the full light of the potential outcomes.

In this case I would think about a different sort of party, and avoid the dilemma entirely. A disco for 20-30 ten/eleven year old children sounds like a nightmare to me anyway - isn't this the sort of things schools organise with lots of supervision? Pick something that your dd can enjoy just with her really good friends and make it special, I suspect that you will all have a much nicer time

katiestar · 12/07/2009 21:29

You can't possibly exclude just one child whatever the circumstances.

2shoes · 12/07/2009 21:31

I don't understand why the op should invite this boy.
surely if he hurt her dd, and her dd is scared of him, he doesn't come.
why should the op change the party to accomadate his feelings? it is her dd's party not his.

piscesmoon · 12/07/2009 21:54

She doesn't have to invite him but it is very vindictive to invite the whole class and not him. He may have massive problems that make him the way he is. I would cut down on numbers altogether.

2shoes · 12/07/2009 21:55

thanks for answering, I don't get all this politics, I never did a whole class thing for ds(did for dd but there was only 6)

hatesponge · 12/07/2009 22:01

its her party, she can have whoever she wants there, why should she have to have this boy there, or exclude other friends as well out of some misguided politeness about not just leaving out one child.

Boy sounds like a troublemaker, in your position I would have said he was off the guest list even before the broken arm incident. However I am quite harsh & intolerant about other people's children and their behaviour!

DandyLioness · 12/07/2009 22:06

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dittany · 12/07/2009 22:09

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piscesmoon · 12/07/2009 22:17

I wouldn't invite him, I don't see why she should, but he is an 11 yr old child-no one knows what sort of home life or problems he has and I think it very unfair to make him the only child of an entire class who doesn't go-it is horrible.
There is absolutely no need to have the whole class-choose the ones that she is friends with.
I would never miss out just one child-whatever they were like.I think that you should treat others as you would like to be treated. How would your DC feel if they were the only DC without an invitation?
Excluding one DC is bullying IMO - it isn't good enough to say 'he started it'.

nooka · 12/07/2009 22:22

But the dd is unlikely to be friends with everyone else in the class in any case is she? I know my two aren't friendly with all their classmates. There are definitely children who I would not want to invite to a party, and ones that the children wouldn't, and I think that is fine and normal. The idea is to have a nice time after all.

I don't get the whole class thing - I would never invite everyone from say work to a party. Just invite the people she likes, and if the numbers end up at 10 or so have it at home instead, or do something different. I really think you will all enjoy it more. My dd has sleepovers with two or three best friends now (she's 8) and we took ds (10) to see a show with his four est mates for his last treat. Both were really fun, and remembered for a good long time afterwards.

DandyLioness · 12/07/2009 22:26

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2shoes · 12/07/2009 22:28

maybe the dd concerned wants the whole class(minus this boy) easy way is not to invite both boys.

katiestar · 12/07/2009 22:30

Strange, the world of MN
Perfectly fine for a parent to exclude one little boy from a whole class going to a party when they are the host.
But my god ,should anyone else fail to invite their own precious little bunny to a wedding , then its a different story .How VERY DARE they have only the people they want coming ,it is just so hurtful !

piscesmoon · 12/07/2009 22:35

Classic bullying is to deliberately exclude one DC-I expect all bullies could justify it if asked. Even if he deserves it, it is a vindictive way to treat a DC. If you wouldn't like your DC to have that treatment you shouldn't do it to another child.
I have never taught a class where everyone is a really good friends with everyone. There are always some that don't have much to do with each other. There is no need to have the whole class-let her choose her friends.

dittany · 12/07/2009 22:36

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DandyLioness · 12/07/2009 22:36

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piscesmoon · 12/07/2009 22:39

I think that both boys should be excluded, I wouldn't have anyone as a guest who had broken my arm-however there is no need whatsoever to have the entire class, except the two boys-it moves from a perfectly acceptable solution to an unacceptable one.

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