Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to exclude this boy from DD's party?

157 replies

gonaenodaethat · 12/07/2009 09:25

DD wants to have an early evening disco for her classmates on her 11th birthday.

She currently has a broken arm caused by some rough play at school involving two boys in her class. Now, I know they didn't mean to hurt her and certainly not to break her arm but while one of the boys has been very apologetic, sending her a card etc, the other one is denying responsibility and hasn't apologised.

I'm cross about this because if ever there is any trouble in the class then this boy is involoved. He has been excluded in the past and has assaulted a teacher.

I don't want this boy at DD's party. DD is frightened of him and I don't feel like taking responsibility for him at a party.

On the other hand he's just a little boy and I hate the thought of anyone doing the same to any of mine.

So, what to do?

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 12/07/2009 10:09

I think the point is that one of the boys has accepted responsibility for his actions and apologised, and the other is denying any responsibility and has not.
If this is an ongoing problem with the school, being rough and aggressive and not accepting the consequences, it needs clarity and sorting out.
He has to be helped to find a way of recognising that his self-control is an issue and working on it, otherwise next year will be no different for him or those around him.
Putting him in a party situation may not nbe helpful to him either, if it goes badly wrong, that will be one more negative incident to add to his developing history.

Speaking as the mother of a child with Aspergers who has been working with these issues since he was 4 or 5.

Original poster
gonaenodaethat · 12/07/2009 10:10

We are in England. She is one of the older ones. I just need to book the room now so need to decide if we're going to go ahead. Not much point in a disco if there's only going to be a few kids there.

OP posts:
Spidermama · 12/07/2009 10:10

I think your dd deserves an apology too by the way. I would be fuming. My dd often complains about boys in the playground and she's very sensible and bookish like yours. It makes me very angry that these girls have to put up with this every day at school.

phoebeophelia · 12/07/2009 10:11

Not only would I not invite him, I would consider reporting him to the police for assault. Assuming he was 10 or older at the time then he is treated as criminally responsible.

If an adult ended up with a broken arm after some "rough and tumble" that went too far, caused by other adults, then it might seem appropriate to report, so why not for children.

My DS was in a similar once and the police took it very seriously.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 12/07/2009 10:12

I think that you should apologise even if it WAS an accident.

"I am sorry you were hurt, I didn't mean it"

If not doing something deliberately means you have nothing to be remorseful for - what about people who get in their car, drive down the road and knock someone over? They didn't intentionally drive into them. Or slightly less extreme when you tread on someone's toes and they yell ow - no apology needed because you didn't stamp on their foot on purpose?

Of course not. You apologise and feel remorse when your actions have caused harm to another person, whether intentional or not.

Original poster
gonaenodaethat · 12/07/2009 10:14

That's exactly my problem Goblin. This boy obviously has problems. He loses it in class and leaves the room in a temper. The last thing I need is him going AWOL from the party or losing it and the party becoming all about him.
Think I might just take her and a few friend bowling.

OP posts:
TheChilliMooseHasGreenFingers · 12/07/2009 10:15

Hecate is exactly right: why put his feelings above those of your own child. Don't invite him. He has had time to try and make amends, like the other boy has done, and he has chosen not to.

Goblinchild · 12/07/2009 10:15

Or in my son's case, you apologise because you have been taught that it is the correct thing to do when it is pointed out to you that someone had been hurt as a consequence of your actions.
However, he doesn't do guilt or remorse or empathy because his brain isn't wired that way. Doesn't stop him having excellent manners and understanding the outcome.

AppleandMosesMummy · 12/07/2009 10:16

I wouldn't invite him, hell my kids have apologised for things they haven't done just to keep the peace, if the other lad said sorry then he should too.
At that age they are old to know better, so I say don't invite him

ingles2 · 12/07/2009 10:16

no, I wouldn't invite him... At that age they are more than old enough to understand actions= consequences.
Why should your dd have to invite someone she doesn't like to her party?
They're not tiny tots now learning basic social skills.

Goblinchild · 12/07/2009 10:17

'That's exactly my problem Goblin. This boy obviously has problems. He loses it in class and leaves the room in a temper. The last thing I need is him going AWOL from the party or losing it and the party becoming all about him.'

Well, you can't be talking about my son, because he's 14. Other than that, however...

chickydee · 12/07/2009 10:17

My son has just had his 7th birthday, and they all take sweets in for the class when its their birthday, so he stood up at the end of the day and gave out a sweet to each child in the class, except one. The one who has consistently bullied him and tried to make his life miserable ALL YEAR.
So I couldn't give a shit that this brat didn't get a sweet, my boy stuck to his guns and refused to give him one,and i think if your dd is scared of this boy, it could potentially ruin her party.
Don't invite him, and if he's only one in class not invited, TOUGH.
Maybe he will learn to behave, and be good, and learn that if he hurts someone, then they won't give him what he wants.

Too many people imho willing to say "its just a child, give them a chance, blah blah," at 7 the kid in my sons class knows better, so at 11 they surely do.

saintlydamemrsturnip · 12/07/2009 10:18

Oh sure I would get my children to send a card, but I don't really agree with with the whole 'I'm waiting for an apology' for something accidental that people do ( causes lots if arguments ime and is often 6 of 1 half a dozen of another).

I did cross post and imagined at the time that it was more of a tussle/ equal play going on ( where your dd could equally easily have broken one of their arms) than your later description. Clearly that wasn't the case and I can see why you are pissed off.

I like your dd's approach. Not inviting just him has the potential to backfire on her and cause her stress. If he does come I would ensure I had one adult (male if possible) charged with watching him the whole time (along with any pita mates- groups of boys always a nightmare compared to single boys).

HecatesTwopenceworth · 12/07/2009 10:18

goblinchild - same here. My 2 both have autism and understand that you need to apologise when someone has been hurt because of something you have done.

We've hammered good manners into them as well!

Spidermama · 12/07/2009 10:22

His parents should have apologised or at least made sure he did.

Goblinchild · 12/07/2009 10:25

What mine doesn't understand, and never has is all the hissing geese in the playground, the shunning and marginalisation of him by parents and children that went on in primary.
Too much sighing and rolling of eyes and 'he's not a nice boy' without specific linking of what had happened, why, and what the results were.
If you can't read social cues, expressions or understand implied meanings in language, unless someone lays it out for you in black and white, you're stuffed.

2rebecca · 12/07/2009 10:26

Why would you invite him? He's hurt your daughter and not apologised and she's afraid of him. You wouldn't make an adult invite someone to their party. Your daughter's feelings are surely more important than those of this boy. Inviting him wouldn't have occurred to me in these circumstances. Different if she just doesn't want to invite a child because they're a bit nerdy or quiet, but if kids are aggressive and unpleasant then it seems odd to invite them.

Original poster
gonaenodaethat · 12/07/2009 10:26

'That's exactly my problem Goblin. This boy obviously has problems. He loses it in class and leaves the room in a temper. The last thing I need is him going AWOL from the party or losing it and the party becoming all about him.'

Well, you can't be talking about my son, because he's 14. Other than that, however...grin

I feel like a right cow now.

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 12/07/2009 10:31

I didn't mean to make you feel bad at all, I was being truthful.
My son at 14 is a lot further down the line of understanding how the world works because of the efforts that have been made by him and on his behalf by others. Explaining, clarifying and working out what to do next.
The worst thing that happens is when he gets the ' Ah, Bless' approach or its opposite
'He is evil incarnate and nothing can be done'
or 'He'll have to learn to be like everyone else'
Ineffective.

Goblinchild · 12/07/2009 11:09

Umm... whittering into the void now.
I didn't think you were being a cow at all, I was supporting the side of the argument that said he shouldn't be invited.
Now I'm a bit worried that talking about this from the other side of the fence has gone wrong.

StayFrosty · 12/07/2009 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scorpette · 12/07/2009 11:25

I used to be bullied by girl twins in my year, who made my life a misery and even though I used to tell my mum about them, she insisted they came to my parties, because she didn't want to be rude or upset the evil little bitches girls (I also think she was scared of confronting their mum, who was a right cow too). It ruined most of my early birthdays and I can still remember the feelings of betrayal and hurt I had towards my Mum. I can remember thinking (in a child-like way) how she considered social niceties to be more important than my feelings. I couldn't understand how she seemed to care more about these 2 horrible girls who she only knew by name and face than she did about my feelings and needs. She was (is) an otherwise lovely Mum, but a terrible people-pleaser. Your mum should be the no. 1 person who understands you and makes you feel safe. Please think of DD first and this boy last.

I offer this, because kids really do remember this stuff. Having your arm broken, even if by accident, is a really big thing and must've been terrifying and agonising for your poor DD. Even if it was an accident, the fact that he hasn't shown any remorse or understanding of his behaviour is very worrying and there's no way he should come anywhere near DD's party. This might sound harsh, but I think being the only one who doesn't go might teach him a good lesson about how people who act badly and don't take responsibility for their actions are going to be rejected by everyone else. If his mum remonstrates, point out that he broke DD's arm and refuses to apologise. If she says he'll be hurt by being the odd one out, say 'it won't hurt as much as a broken arm does'!

Original poster
gonaenodaethat · 12/07/2009 11:28

Sorry Goblin. Had to go and get dressed .
It hasn't gone wrong. The whole point of my OP was to help me gain some perspective and you've helped me do that.

It's easy to get tied up in emotion when your children are involved. I've stuck up for the inclusion of this little boy even when a good friend of mine removed her DS from the school as he didn't feel safe on account of him.

As far as I'm aware he doesn't have a diagnosis but I do know that he has had a difficult family life that seems to have settled down now.

I was thinking he is just a little shit (on the back of my DD being shocked, in pain, having her holidays ruined and him and his family not giving a toss) but at the end of the day, whatever the reasons for his behaviour he is someone's son and really just a little boy.

That said. The rest of the class including my DD are incredibly accepting of his behaviour and it would be nice if I could concentrate on DD having a nice time rather than watching him.

I think I might talk DD into having something different for her birthday as both options i.e. inviting or excluding only him, are unacceptable to me.

OP posts:
Fanjita · 12/07/2009 11:46

Agree wholeheartedly with Scorpette. I had my arm broken by a boy when I was 10 and I still think about him/it now (albeit occasionally!) If your DD is scared of him, exclude him I think.

zeke · 12/07/2009 11:49

Gosh - that is a super tricky one.

Yes, he definately should have apologised. As you have also had no contact from his parents though it probably isn't that surprising that he hasn't apologised, though.

It doesn't neccessarily mean that he isn't sorry that the accident happened though. He may feel more remorse/angst over it that the other boy who has apologised but is unable to voice it effectively, especially if he has had poor role models for parents.

I would probably do what your daughter suggested tbh. Maybe when you get the 'RSVP' and he does intend to come have a little word about how your daughter feels a bit frightened, even though she appeciates it was an accident, simply because they haven't spoken about it since. Maybe her teacher could help you with this one, in fact the more I think about it the more I think i would go via the teacher route (as a teacher I can see how that would probably be the most effective).