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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in asking for my ex's girlfriends address when my kids stay there?

163 replies

altern8gal · 29/06/2009 12:24

Long and messy 10 year history with ex, he plays games etc but that's a whole different story! After not seeing the kids for 6 weeks I have yet again initiated contact and arranged for him to take our kids for the weekend, with some minimal ground rules, they stay at his flat, he doesn't let them on the balcony etc etc....
He took them at 4pm, and at 9pm I ring my eldest (9) to check he and his 2yr old brother are ok. My son informs me they are not at his dad's but at the new girlfriends house and are staying...I make sure son is ok and keep calm as he gets upset easily, he also begged me to not tell his dad that I knew where they were!
Next day, I try to investigate where my boys are staying, without antagonising the ex...which doesn't go to plan and he rings up screaming and shouting, saying I have no right to know where my kids are or what they are doing whilst in his care. I try to explain calmly that of course it is important to know where they are incase of accident etc etc - he hangs up after some more ranting!
I am happy for the kids to stay with ex & Gf, as she is actually probably more reliable and trustworthy than him, but am I being unreasonable in asking for her address?? I am reluctant to let my kids go next time, but then I end up looking like the bad person again! Any comments welcome!

OP posts:
titchy · 29/06/2009 12:40

Sorry but you are being (understandably) unreasonable. Unless you have any doubts as to his ability to keep them safe where he takes them is not your concern when he has them. Presumably you don't give the address of every place you go when you're looking after them?

You have a means to communicate in case of an emergency - your son's mobile. You shouldn't really have any need to know what address they are at.

QuintessentialShadow · 29/06/2009 12:42

Sorry. Yabu. They are his kids, it is his time with them, you have to trust they are well cared for.

mayorquimby · 29/06/2009 12:44

unless there's additional information to this one (abusive history/past conduct of neglect) then yabu. while he's in charge of the kids it's his responsibility and he doesn't have to report back to you.

NeedCoffee · 29/06/2009 12:44

No, I don't think yabu, what can it hurt if you know her address, and there may be a time when dss phone has no signal or battery has died, I'd also want a phone number for gf, have you met her? she may be more reasonable to talk to than ex.

posieparker · 29/06/2009 12:46

I think YANBU, it's quite horrid that your ds had to beg you not to tell his dad that you knew they were not at his. It's obviously a mine field but perhaps when your ex is calm you could just say that you'll always contact the dcs by their mobiles but it would be better if everyone could be open about where they are, that way the dcs don't have to keep secrets.

PlumBumMum · 29/06/2009 12:46

I don't think you being unreasonable, to know where your children are sleeping when your ex takes them considering he dosen't seem to see them that often,
if one of them needed you it would be much quicker and easier for you to get to if you already knew where they were!

mrsjammi · 29/06/2009 12:46

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mayorquimby · 29/06/2009 12:47

obviously if you got on well it wouldn't be an issue and he'd just tell you for your own peace of mind, but when people aren't getting on we have a way of making a big issue out of small things.so he obviously feels this is you trying to exert control/insinuate he's incapable of caring for his kids/checking up on him and you probably feel he's doing this to spite you etc.
so yanbu to simply ask, for the address but yabu if you push it when he has given you an answer you don't like.

Rhubarb · 29/06/2009 12:52

I think, as your kids are so young, it's only reasonable to want to know where they are. Have you met this girlfriend? If she's reasonable, could you try talking to her and ask if she just lets you know where they are?

Of course they are his kids too and he should be able to take them wherever he wants to, but as you've initiated the contact, it's only fair that he plays by your rules. Asking for her address doesn't seem to be too much to ask - unless he thinks you are going to stalk her????

You had an agreement that they stay at his flat, he broke that agreement and then flew into a rage when you asked for the gf's address. That doesn't sound very mature to me. I'm also worried about your ds, he seems to be stuck in the middle of all of this, scared of his dad's reactions. That rings alarm bells with me.

If you can, I would contact the gf direct and explain the situ to her, see if she's any more reasonable than him. But he doesn't sound like a very reliable person tbh and if your ds is having to tiptoe around his temper, I'd be tempted to allow day visits only.

Aimsmum · 29/06/2009 12:53

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mrsjammi · 29/06/2009 12:57

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Aimsmum · 29/06/2009 13:04

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seeker · 29/06/2009 13:06

Would you tell him if you were staying the night at a friend's house with the children?

mrsjammi · 29/06/2009 13:07

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Overmydeadbody · 29/06/2009 13:09

yanbu

Rhubarb · 29/06/2009 13:09

But seeker, she is the main carer of those children. She's had to initiate contact as he's obviously not that arsed. If I thought that someone who had so little regard for my kids, was taking them to spend the night somewhere else and wouldn't tell me where, then I'd be bloody narked!

That her ds is obv afraid of his dad's temper is also a cause for concern.

I do think we need to take into account this particular situation, rather than general situations.

mrsjammi · 29/06/2009 13:12

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mayorquimby · 29/06/2009 13:12

well your solicitor may have interpreted the law to suit his client and case and stated his interpretations to your ex. this however has absolutely no relevance to what the law actually is or what the courts interpretation of the law would be. had your exh hired the exact same lawyer he would be writing you a letter with the law interpreted to suit his client (i.e. your ex-h).
nothing to do with him being right or wrong, that's what lawyers do. interpret the law and present a case based on the facts which are relevant to their client. then the courts decide who is right and who is wrong.
if your ex-h got a family lawyer and he sent you a letter that contradicted your lawyers letter would you immediately think he's right because he's a family solicitor?

Aimsmum · 29/06/2009 13:14

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mayorquimby · 29/06/2009 13:14

i read it in the same way as jammi. not that he was afraid of his dad, but he was afraid of being the cause of a fight. like when a kid tells you something bad that they were meant to keep secret. they get afraid/upset because they're worried about getting someone in trouble orstarting a row.

Rhubarb · 29/06/2009 13:19

"My son informs me they are not at his dad's but at the new girlfriends house and are staying...I make sure son is ok and keep calm as he gets upset easily, he also begged me to not tell his dad that I knew where they were!"

The ds was getting upset, he wanted his mum to know where he was. Sorry, but the dad doesn't sound like he has the childrens best interests at heart.

mrsjammi · 29/06/2009 13:20

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mrsjammi · 29/06/2009 13:22

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mumeeee · 29/06/2009 15:38

YAbu. They are in his care and yoy should trust him,

sunfleurs · 29/06/2009 16:09

YANBU.

Personally I believe there is a certain amount of courtesy required in shared custody. I am not of the "he is their dad, lump it" frame of mind.

While my dc are young and relatively defenceless I should know where they are at all times and vice versa. I wouldn't dream of witholding information on my childrens whereabouts from their father no matter what our history.

I will be flamed no doubt but when my ex lost his mobile phone I told him I would not be comfortable with him taking our dc until he got one. He does not have a land line, I don't know his address. I don't care what anyone says it IS my business what is happening when they are not with me. I cannot allow my children to be uncontactable, until they are old enough to be able to have a mobile or use a phone themselves to call me if they need me.