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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in asking for my ex's girlfriends address when my kids stay there?

163 replies

altern8gal · 29/06/2009 12:24

Long and messy 10 year history with ex, he plays games etc but that's a whole different story! After not seeing the kids for 6 weeks I have yet again initiated contact and arranged for him to take our kids for the weekend, with some minimal ground rules, they stay at his flat, he doesn't let them on the balcony etc etc....
He took them at 4pm, and at 9pm I ring my eldest (9) to check he and his 2yr old brother are ok. My son informs me they are not at his dad's but at the new girlfriends house and are staying...I make sure son is ok and keep calm as he gets upset easily, he also begged me to not tell his dad that I knew where they were!
Next day, I try to investigate where my boys are staying, without antagonising the ex...which doesn't go to plan and he rings up screaming and shouting, saying I have no right to know where my kids are or what they are doing whilst in his care. I try to explain calmly that of course it is important to know where they are incase of accident etc etc - he hangs up after some more ranting!
I am happy for the kids to stay with ex & Gf, as she is actually probably more reliable and trustworthy than him, but am I being unreasonable in asking for her address?? I am reluctant to let my kids go next time, but then I end up looking like the bad person again! Any comments welcome!

OP posts:
nessus · 29/06/2009 16:34

Sunfleurs, I don't blame you at all. I can count on one hand how many times ex has had sole charge of DD so believe that if it was to come about I would want to know minute details of where, when and what.

OP, YANBU

Also, if I was the absent parent, I would spend the few precious time with DC and maybe family not some random current squeeze.

As an aside, if OP felt ex could be trusted, she would have no need for this thread so one can only imagine that her ex's behaviour warrants the need for such information.

pranma · 29/06/2009 16:50

YANBU I would have hated not to know where my kids were.The little one is only 2!

mrsjammi · 29/06/2009 16:53

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notevenamousie · 29/06/2009 16:56

Crikey! I am amazed at the adice on this thread. Of course you need to know, your kids are little, what if something happens, YANBU AT ALL.

mrsjammi · 29/06/2009 17:01

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katiestar · 29/06/2009 17:07

I think YABU ,presumably you have your DHs and your DCs mobile.It is up to him what he dos with the kids when he has them. It isn't your place to dictate

katiestar · 29/06/2009 17:07

Also surely your DC must know the address if he is staying there ?

Original poster
altern8gal · 29/06/2009 17:22

Thank you for all your posts, maybe I should have added a little more info, so I am doing it now.
The ex has a violent & aggresive past, problems with drugs and drink,at the moment he is clean which is why he is allowed to see the children. His new Gf is of only 4 months long,she seems ok (altho I have only met her once to say Hi).
There have been injunctions, court proceedings and police involvement etc etc....He sees his boys because I don't want my lads to come to me in a few years time and hate me for not letting them see him - The problems are between me and the ex, not the kids...and they will see him for what he is when they are old enough. I try so hard to make things right for them, but I know he will lose interest again before too long, this is simply an act in front of new GF. There isn't much point in contacting new GF as it seems she is already smitten/has her blinkers on.
I phoned my son several times before he answered to find he wasn't where I thought he would be, and yes he is contactable, but also only 9 years old...
I have no problem with them being at new Gf's house, so long as I know where that is for emergency purposes....I have no interest in their relationship, so have no intention of stalking or turning up unannounced.
After last weekends nightmare, which I spent most of the time in tears and worrying about the boys, I am now considering seeking solicitor advice...I know my son would be upset if I said he couldnt see his dad.
I have been advised that it is totally legitimate for me to have a contact address, afterall, mobile phones lose signal/go flat...Comments please )

OP posts:
Aimsmum · 29/06/2009 18:37

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seeker · 29/06/2009 19:16

I see - AIBU by stealth.

Snorbs · 29/06/2009 19:35

Aimsmum, it's not a matter of "happily" handing over your child under such circumstances. It's more a matter of knowing that (despite what your solicitor may have implied) a court won't order a one parent to keep the other parent informed of where they are taking their child.

Courts tend to take fairly simplistic views of this kind of thing - if the non-resident parent is considered unsafe to have contact with the child, then either contact is stopped entirely or it takes place under supervision. If the court regards the non-res parent as safe, then what the non-res parent does during contact is up to the non-res parent.

The OP's ex was unreasonable in lying about where he was taking the DCs. Maybe he thought that if he told the OP then contact would be stopped, or maybe he's just a selfish arse. And the OP isn't being unreasonable in worrying about this kind of thing; I worry every time my ex picks up our children as I know how unpredictable and unreliable my ex is.

Nevertheless, I don't believe there is any legal right for one parent to insist that the other parent keeps them informed at all times of the whereabouts of the children while in their care.

Kimi · 29/06/2009 19:48

Could you have rung your sons phone and ask to speak to the girlfriend, explain that you would feel happier with a contact address in case of an emergency and your sons phone not working.

I do not think that is unreasonable

contonsmum · 29/06/2009 19:50

ABSOLUTELY No WAY are you being unreasonable. As a mother you have every right to know where your children are at ALL TIMES If this is a problem for your ex to give you his new bits address then he should ensure the kids stay at his flatand if this is a new g/f then your kids should be nowhere around her at first let alone living in her home. Would you take them to a new b/f flat? And he shouldnt be making the poor kid feel worried about telling you anything.I hope you's don't get the wee ones involved in your relationship bust up

contonsmum · 29/06/2009 19:56

Okay i never read your last thread before my first piece of advice. I raised my DC on my own, rather than "allow them to find out about their idiot of a father" You need to watch your kids do not get traumatised. they are only little, don't let them make these crucial decisions. If hes that bad keep them away and give him supervised access only. and if he lets them down, then you n kids will be better off. My sons done ok one was a bedwetter.But he was a bedwetter when we were all together. It's not ideal to not have Dad around, but it's better no DAD than BAD DAD. Trust me. I speak from experience, my boys have no intrest in their Dad

totalmisfit · 29/06/2009 20:07

i can't believe some people have said yabu. imagine if something awful did happen (god forbid) - how quick would these same people be to say 'Oh, and of course their mother didn't even know where they were...judge judge'.

of course the op has a right to know where her kids are, just as their father has a right to know they're sleeping soundly at her house the rest of the time. Stand your ground and get her address. You say she's more responsible than he is- why not contact her directly and ask for her address yourself?

barnsleybelle · 29/06/2009 20:14

I think he should have told you that they were staying at his gf's, but she may not want her address given out. If something awful did happen then surely he would call you as well as handling it himself.
When the children are with you, do you give out all info at all times as to where you are, or is it just him that should do that.

I totally get why your freaked as i too would want to know exactly where they were but it's her right to keep her address private and ex's right to go where he wants with the children.

Accidents and awful things can happen on a trip to the park, seaside, supermarket... does he have to let you know every move they make? Not trying to be rude but just looking at it the other way.

barnsleybelle · 29/06/2009 20:17

PS.... I think given his history, you are very brave and kind to allow contact at all by the way.

Just thinking that it may be the gf who doesn't want her address given out.

Laquitar · 29/06/2009 20:22

I would like to know the address my DCs stay overnight. Imagine if you hear on the news that a house was burnt in i.e. south london. I know a bit extreme exampe but...

Also did he asked the 9yr old to lie to you about it or most likely to not mention it? This is not on at all.

Rhubarb · 29/06/2009 20:38

Has your ex ever been violent to the kids? I'm worrying about your ds's obvious anxiety at not wanting his dad to find out that he told you he was at her place. Now you've mentioned your exs violent past, I'm doubly worried.

Do you have the GFs number? Perhaps you could call her up and ask her for her address, as the kids are sometimes staying with her, just say you'd like to have it just in case. It's a reasonable enough request. I don't understand why she wouldn't want you to have it, you are their mother after all.

I also think you are being generous with the access, but don't go overboard. Don't insist on the kids staying there if they don't want to. Listen to them. If your ds is reluctant to stay, you must ask yourself why. If he's happy to stay, then fine, but obv you must have her address, it is only reasonable. He has a violent past and you don't know her, your kids are only 9 and 2, you've been more than reasonable in maintaining and allowing access and this is a perfectly reasonable request for you to make.

In light of his violent past, I think the solicitor will agree with you, that you need to know where your children are all the time when they are with him.

barnsleybelle · 29/06/2009 20:39

What a fine post rhubarb.

Rhubarb · 29/06/2009 20:50
Blush
Surfermum · 29/06/2009 20:50

The thing is though you have his home address. This was a one off when they went somewhere else while they were with him. I think as you have your ex's number and your son's number and you know where he lives he feels like you are being a little over-controlling by wanting to know exactly where he will be with them all the time.

I can understand completely your anxiety about them being with him given your circumstances, but I can sort of see his point.

Rhubarb · 29/06/2009 20:52

But surfermum, they had an agreement that the boys only stay at his flat with him. He broke that by taking them to stay at his gfs place - someone the OP has only said 'hi' to. He has a violent past. The ds was anxious. What more do you want?

Surfermum · 29/06/2009 21:10

Ah ok, I'd missed that ... well I didn't, I read it then forgot it by the time I had read the whole thread. Can I take back my post .

It still sounds like he doesn't like the control factor and having agreed to your conditions set about pushing the boundaries. Why did you say they had to stay at his flat?

mrsjammi · 29/06/2009 21:10

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