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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in asking for my ex's girlfriends address when my kids stay there?

163 replies

altern8gal · 29/06/2009 12:24

Long and messy 10 year history with ex, he plays games etc but that's a whole different story! After not seeing the kids for 6 weeks I have yet again initiated contact and arranged for him to take our kids for the weekend, with some minimal ground rules, they stay at his flat, he doesn't let them on the balcony etc etc....
He took them at 4pm, and at 9pm I ring my eldest (9) to check he and his 2yr old brother are ok. My son informs me they are not at his dad's but at the new girlfriends house and are staying...I make sure son is ok and keep calm as he gets upset easily, he also begged me to not tell his dad that I knew where they were!
Next day, I try to investigate where my boys are staying, without antagonising the ex...which doesn't go to plan and he rings up screaming and shouting, saying I have no right to know where my kids are or what they are doing whilst in his care. I try to explain calmly that of course it is important to know where they are incase of accident etc etc - he hangs up after some more ranting!
I am happy for the kids to stay with ex & Gf, as she is actually probably more reliable and trustworthy than him, but am I being unreasonable in asking for her address?? I am reluctant to let my kids go next time, but then I end up looking like the bad person again! Any comments welcome!

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 29/06/2009 21:23

Mrsjammi, are we reading the same thread? The OP has stated that she has initiated contact because she doesn't want to deny her ds's their dad. He AGREED that they would only stay at his flat. I think this is fair enough given his violent past, he's lucky to have access at all! The OP's 9yo ds is clearly anxious about the situation, the OP said she had to calm him and he begged her not to tell her ex that she knew. Doesn't this ring alarm bells with you?
She said she is happy for them to stay with the GF, but she wants her address so she knows where they are.

The ex has a temper - he has a violent past, his ds is afraid of his dad's temper and he screamed and shouted at the OP when she tried to explain her concerns to him. Again, alarm bells are ringing here.

If you split up with your dh, would you be happy for your kids to stay with his new partner, that he's only had for 4 months, someone you don't know, at an undisclosed address? Esp if your dh had a past like the OP's.

I can't understand why people are saying that this is not a big deal and none of her business?

MaggieBeeBeau · 29/06/2009 21:29

WEll I'm a single Mum and I wouldn't be able to sleep a MINUTE if I didn't know where my children were!!

My x knows where the children are, with me, and if he were to take them off somewhere, I'd want to know where too.

My x and I weren't married though,and my ddn born before dec 2003. Plus, now our 'domicile' is Ireland, where unmarried fathers have fewer rights than they do in the UK, so in a nutshell, I allow my x to see the children, I have parental responsibility and sole guardianship(which might be an Irish term, not sure). But with that in mind, no way on EARTH would I allow my x to swan off without telling me under what roof and where the children would be sleeping. Two words, NO and WAY!

So, 3 pages of YABU from other posters, but not from me! I hear you.

mrsjammi · 29/06/2009 21:29

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mrsjammi · 29/06/2009 21:34

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MaggieBeeBeau · 29/06/2009 21:35

ps, my x was violent and abusive to me but not to the children. However, they are not so cute and little now. They argue back.... When I lived with my x and I was the punch bag, his coping mechanism, I would have said "no way would he ever hurt them". Now that he doesn't have that release (of treating me like a tinker's dog)... I think ONE day, when one of the children pierces their eyebrow or something he will go nuts and treat them like a bad dog.

MIAonline · 29/06/2009 21:35

I don't understand it either rhubarb.

There would be no way I would be happy about my child staying at house where I didn't know where they were. Not a chance.

Under no circumstances would I not know where my child was sleeping.

YANBU, and I am horrified that some people think it is ok that you don't know where your child is at night, even if they are with their Dad, especially given the situation the OP is in. But actually, even in a marriage I would expect to know where DH was taking DS if, for example, they went camping.

MaggieBeeBeau · 29/06/2009 21:37

Exactly MIAonline. People crash off "YABU" without stopping to think how they would like it if they didn't have a notion where their children actually were at that point.

Rhubarb · 29/06/2009 21:38

I hear what you are saying, but the boy's reaction worried me. Also the fact that the OP had to calm him down, makes me think that he didn't want to be at the GFs?

Plus, those terms are there for a reason. For instance, if you have visitation rights, you are not allowed to take your dcs out of the country, even for a night, without permission of the main carer. Why should this be any different? I found this on a legal website " If you have sole parental responsibility you are entitled to say how and when these visits should take place. If your ex-partner also has parental responsibility he will be equally entitled to say what he thinks it should happen."

So whilst he is entitled to ask and have a say in where he takes his kids, ultimately the main carer has full rights to dictate.

mrsjammi · 29/06/2009 21:39

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MIAonline · 29/06/2009 21:42

Just because it happens, doesn't make it right though mrsjammi.

The OP asked if she was being unreasonable to ask for the GF's address.

She clearly isn't.

Rhubarb · 29/06/2009 21:43

But if you are the main carer, that is your right. You get to dictate visitation rights too. The OPs ex gave up his rights when he was violent and abusive - he doesn't even maintain contact with his dcs.

barnsleybelle · 29/06/2009 21:43

I think in all fairness some people claimed YABU in response to the original OP. It was only after many YABU's came in that then the OP posted another thread with regards to the violent past.

mrsjammi · 29/06/2009 21:44

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Surfermum · 29/06/2009 21:45

I think not knowing where your child is all the time is one of those things you have to get used to when you don't live with your child, or your child goes to their other parent for some of the time.

Dsd goes between her mums and us pretty frequently now. When she is at her mum's she could be at her aunt's for the weekend, on a sleepover for the night, at her mum's friend's for the weekend. We don't know, we don't get told.

Similarly when dsd is here we might be away camping for the weekend, staying with friends for the weekend, on holiday somewhere (her mum knows that we go away but never asks where).

It's just not an issue for us, although obviously ours is a very different situation to the op's.

MIAonline · 29/06/2009 21:48

The violent past had very little to do with my thoughts barnsleybelle, I felt strongly that any parent has the right to know where their children are overnight, no matter who they are with.

AS mrsjammi pointed out, this is not always the reality, but it should be the OP's right none the less.

MaggieBeeBeau · 29/06/2009 21:49

It is different for Dads though.

They don't feel the pain of separation as accutely as mothers do. There will be exceptions to this, but is is true most of the time.. My x was initially up in arms about us leaving and now he doesn't come because it's too far and too expensive and too much trouble and 'too hard for him'. That's not unusual. I hear this story over and over and over.

I know there are award-winning dads out there. But a child can't be torn in two fifty:fifty, and I think if the law came down on one side, it should come down in favour of mothers because 9 times out of ten, the mother is the one who will sacrifice everything (freedom, career, a new relationship) for her child's wellbeing.
The law should favour mothers, not for the sake of women and their rights but to ensure the maximum well-being of the child.

mrsjammi · 29/06/2009 21:49

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Rhubarb · 29/06/2009 21:51

The OP wanted to know if she was being unreasonable. Even without the extra info I would say no. I suspected he might have a temper from her first post. You have to look at the circumstances here. Since she has been the one to initiate contact, I would presume she can also call it off.

I would not want my dcs taken somewhere that made them anxious. If they have a sleepover somewhere, I want to know the address and a contact phone number. Camping is obv different and not a fair analogy at all, this situation is completely different. Even if he didn't want to give out her address, why not a contact number?

I would not be happy if my dh took my dcs off to stay somewhere without telling me, esp in a strangers house, which the GF is really.

barnsleybelle · 29/06/2009 21:53

MIA... I do get the idea that each parent as a right to know.. However taking into consideration that a lot of the YABU's came in before the violent post was written.
My best friend is divorced and her and her ex have the children alternate weekends. She often comes to visit me on a Saturday and ends up staying over. I know for a fact she doesn't ring her ex to tell him. Taking your comment into account do you think she should?

This is in no way relevant to the OP but i'm just curious when you say
" I felt strongly that any parent has the right to know where their children are overnight, no matter who they are with.".

MIAonline · 29/06/2009 21:53

I think mrsjammi that in the same way you stated 'Perhaps those of you who do find it totally shocking have never had any experience of this sort of thing from the point of view of an NRP.'

I might suggest that your situation with your own DH his ex and DSd is perhaps not allowing you to see this from the OP's perspective?

Rhubarb · 29/06/2009 21:53

Sorry Mrsjammi, but that's the way it is. Yes sometimes it does turn ugly and the ex does get unreasonable, changing plans at the last moment etc etc. Dh's brother has gone through it with his kids too.

This isn't about the rights and wrongs of the law courts, this is about this particular situation, the one the OP has posted. Comparing it to other situations isn't really fair.

mrsjammi · 29/06/2009 21:53

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MaggieBeeBeau · 29/06/2009 21:54

mrsjammi, your dh might be a decent guy but that clouds your judgement on what is the overall best policy for all of the children of separated parents out there.

If laws were made on the basis that all dads were as conscientious as your dh, then children would suffer a great deal more.

Mothers need to be able to be in charge of their own children 'minors'.

My x has relegated himself so completely because he juse exceeds every low expectation I have of him as a father, again and again. Men like this should not have 50:50 rights. The mothers need to have more control to protect the children.

MIAonline · 29/06/2009 21:56

barnsley, if the EX does not ask then of course she doesn't need to phone him, but if he did want to know then would she withold the information?

Rhubarb · 29/06/2009 21:57

barnsleybelle, I wouldn't be happy with that situation.

My kids are 8 and 5 and I would not allow them to sleepover in a strangers house, with or without their dad. I can't even spend a night away from them without ringing them to wish them goodnight. If the OPs ds had forgotten his mobile, or the battery had run out, she wouldn't have been able to do this. And most importantly, her ds needs to be able to contact his mum whenever he feels anxious - would the ex allow him to use the landline at his GFs house to do this?