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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to lack sympathy for my friend who is unable to conceive

349 replies

babyetcetera · 14/06/2009 22:19

We went to uni together and my friend met her husband there - they've been together ever since. In the meantime, some of us had children and she went on to have an amazing career...

When she and her husband have celebrated a big milestone in their marriage they decided to TTC. This was when she was 41. It's now been two years and she is in agonies talking about IVF etc.

I'm finding it hard to keep being sympathetic. Of course I am supporting her and I am devastated for her, but I keep thinking that she chose her life and is now being really REALLY unrealistic about having a baby.

Have I lost sight of any sort of human compassion or am I being realistic at this point?

OP posts:

Wonderstuff · 14/06/2009 23:22

I don't think any of us realise when we start careers that really we will have to choose one day. We imagine at 21 that we can really have it all, and then when we get to 30 we really don't feel very old at all, before you know it you're 35 (it actually starts to decline after 25) which is still really young, but the reality is fertility drops off quite quickly for many women after that. So what do you do, have kids when you really aren't sure you're ready or wait and take the risk because we all know someone who had no problems concieving at 45 right?

I do understand the OP's frustration that really if children are really important ideally you don't take the risk of not being able to have them, but life just isn't always that easy is it, and when you decide you want children it is heartbreaking to not be able to have them.

Quattrocento · 14/06/2009 23:29

I think this is schadenfreude, isn't it? Joy in another's misfortune. Were you always a little bit envious of her glittering career? Are you secretly pleased she's having trouble conceiving?

Anyhow 41 is not too late. Lots of things can still happen. Good luck to her, I say.

QueenofSpleen · 14/06/2009 23:31

Gosh with friends like you ... who needs enemys.

ToughDaddy · 14/06/2009 23:31

Maybe I have a Troll -complex being that I am a bloke but so many times I think OP is a Troll. Often I am alone in thinking this and suffer in silence

pickyvic · 14/06/2009 23:32

my mate had a baby on her 45th birthday. she lost her first child in her 20s and her marriage ended and she didnt settle down again for a long time - she knows she was lucky but more and more people are having babies later in life and good to them i say! x

FairLadyRantALot · 14/06/2009 23:37

I think that life span development is forever evolving, and life as it used to is not anymore, and more people have Babies later for many reasons....but we also live much longer and healthstatus is improving....especially considering that if it is career women choosing the later motherhood, they are often very healthy and many are younger in healthstatus compared to their chronological age...

so op...honest...don't need to add to my earlier opinion, just thought it would be worth pointing the above out

Original poster

babyetcetera · 15/06/2009 08:09

Hi, sorry I went to bed. I can't believe I've been called a spiteful bitch, an utter knob and a jealous bitch for my OP. I would be so embarassed if my daughter did this sort of name-calling about someone she didn't know.

Two years of supporting them day in and day out has taken a big toll on me I suppose. And I guess what I wanted was some views which helped me see the bigger picture. Sometimes I wonder whether encouraging them to be optimistic when she is 43 and he is quite a bit older is kind. But I guess it is and there is still lots of hope, so I'm pleased about that.

Thanks for all the thoughtful and considered responses (especially wondering).

OP posts:

ReneRusso · 15/06/2009 08:29

babyetcetera - I think you got a bit of flaming because it was your first post and somewhat controversial. This might not have happened if you had already contributed to a few threads and gained some trust before launching into AIBU. There seems to be lot of distrust on mumsnet at the moment because of people who drop in and create a huge stink about something, and no one really knows who they are.

Back to the question, of course it is heartbreaking for your friend, even though she has made some choices which make it harder for her to conceive. Perhaps part of the reason you are struggling to be sympathetic is some dissatisfaction of your own not about your friend?

Tryharder · 15/06/2009 08:33

I agree with you babyetcetera - we make choices in our lives and we live with the consequences. It's sad for your friend but she sounds like an intelligent women and surely must have known that her fertility was decreasing as she aged and decided to take the risk.

But we live in a society where we believe we can control every aspects of our lives and that there is a solution for every problem and sadly, that isn't always the case.

But don't wish to appear unsympathetic - I feel sorry for your friend - I cannot even begin to imagine how she must feel.

OracleInaCoracle · 15/06/2009 08:51

this is a tough one, I think you have been hauled over the coals, not entirely deserved. i think YAB (a bit) U. infertility (for whatever reason) is devestating. many people spend the beginning of their sexual lives trying not to get pg. they take the pill, use condoms or abstain because we are taught that the second a man ejaculates you are "at risk" so we perpetuate the myth that getting pg is easy. but when it doesnt happen, when you spend every month in a state of tightly coiled expectation, both dreading and anticipating that magical day when you can take a HPT, then you watch the control line appear, with no sign of the test line your heart plummets and you blame yourself for the choices you made, for the months youve wasted.

the last thing you need is someone else making those judgements too. yes, she probably should have thought about ttc earlier. but she is ripping herself up thinking the same thing. as long as you dont say anything to her and try to support her you are sort of in the clear. i think some vile things about my uber-fertile friends and relatives. my sis who has had 3 abortions. sil, who despite an irregular cycle, conceived both her dc's on 1st cycle. and i hate the person that ftc has made me into, but i know it is not their fault that i am unfulfilled, just as its not your friends fault.

talbot · 15/06/2009 09:23

I would of course have huge sympathy for a friend in this situation but equally, you'd have had to be living under a rock for the the past 20 years not to know that fertility starts to decrease dramatically in your 30's. The fact is that statistically, it is going to be difficult to conceive your first child at 41. This woman simply must have factored this is in to her decisions, particularly as sha has been married for many years.

cariboo · 15/06/2009 09:25

As I keep telling dc, it's fine to think whatever you like but it's not fine to say it.

Rubyrubyrubyinthegame · 15/06/2009 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

orangehead · 15/06/2009 09:49

When I opened this thread I was expecting to read that she had a bad lifestyle, smoking, drinking, drugs etc. But I dont think trying for a child at the age of 41 is unrealistic. Lots of women have children at this age or older. Granted its a lot older than I would want to be when trying for my first, but thats my personal preference. 41 is every young to be unable to conceive for age reasons. I think you are certainly lost sight of human compassion

talbot · 15/06/2009 09:57

As I understand it, statistically your chances of conceiving within a year at 41 are 25% compared to around 63% aged 30 - 35 (assuming you are normal weight and a non-smoker, light drinker). That's a quite a big drop.

namechangerforareason · 15/06/2009 10:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Rubyrubyrubyinthegame · 15/06/2009 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fufflebum · 15/06/2009 10:02

I am sypathtetic with your friend and understand your point of view also.

I appreciate it is impossible to be aware of the whole relationship between you and your friend.

Unfortunately women have been sold a bit of a crap deal. We are told we can have it all, and some are lucky enough to. Unfortunately our fertility does decline with age, this has received a lot of press in recent years. So I understand where you are coming from.

Perhaps you are a little jealous of her wonderful career and perhaps she is jealous of your children (I am assuming you have them, sorry but have not followed the whole converstation).

Personally I would not have left it until my 40s to try and conceive, but I was lucky enough to have met someone and be able to try for a family and was fortunate there also. However, I did give up my career chances a little in doing so (I am prepared to be flayed for that comment). Your friend has also made some choices in her life too. But that does not mean you cannot be sympathetic to her as another human being. I am sure she is debating within herself every day, why she waited for a family....

kittywise · 15/06/2009 10:03

What I don't understand is WHY her infertility should bother you, but that I mean why do you have any emotions about it that would make you unsympathetic?

Yes she chose what she chose, she took a big risk leaving it so late.

I think maybe you are resentful that she has had a career,.

ilovemydogandmrobama · 15/06/2009 10:15

Actually, think the OP is right. Women should choose between career and reproducing. It's an either or scenario.

Is this for real?

Qally · 15/06/2009 10:15

The thing is, if she didn't want a baby when she was younger, then it was sensible not to have one - you can't send them back if you've made a mistake! And not wanting one when younger will not make a failure to conceive now any easier, if she desperately wants one, but knows her age is against her. Quite the reverse. It must be an unspeakably horrible situation to be in.

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/06/2009 10:17

im not sure why you are finding it hard to be sympathetic

you had your children and at that time she didnt want any, so she concentrated on her career

now she feels it is the right time for her and her dh and you as her friend should be there to support her

for those on here with children who say they would never have ivf/adopt/continue with treatment if they didnt concieve, as what will be will be etc

you cant say that - till you are in that place , you will NEVER know and will try anything to be able to be a mum

there are many on here who are desperate to be a mum and hopefully they have got better support from their rl friends

"Of course I am supporting her and I am devastated for her, but I keep thinking that she chose her life and is now being really REALLY unrealistic about having a baby"

so becasue she chose not to have children till now, you now think she doesnt deserve them - do you think the same of a woman who maybe had an abortion late teen/early twenties who now cant concieve - does that serve her right as well!!!

Sycamoretreeisvile · 15/06/2009 10:18

namechangeforareason Please don't let this silly thread upset you. I hope no one reports your post because it pretty much sums up my attitude to it too.

It's possible of course that the thread was started with the intention of illiciting that kind of reaction, so it's probably best to just step away .

Peachy · 15/06/2009 10:22

As gigglingoblin said

RumourOfAHurricane · 15/06/2009 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

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