to lack sympathy for my friend who is unable to conceive

[babyetcetera]

We went to uni together and my friend met her husband there - they've been together ever since. In the meantime, some of us had children and she went on to have an amazing career...

When she and her husband have celebrated a big milestone in their marriage they decided to TTC. This was when she was 41. It's now been two years and she is in agonies talking about IVF etc.

I'm finding it hard to keep being sympathetic. Of course I am supporting her and I am devastated for her, but I keep thinking that she chose her life and is now being really REALLY unrealistic about having a baby.

Have I lost sight of any sort of human compassion or am I being realistic at this point?

Nope, adopting is VERY hard work. You go through years trying to have a child yourself - trying to be positive that 'it'll happen'.
Then you go through years of trying (with medical help) to have a child - then have that door closes. Then you have years of trying to adopt to have that door closed too. Becoming a parent is really really hard for some of us.

Hence us uprooting and moving to another country to adopt.

You can stop now - the op has written her article!

Seeker - are you saying she's a lazy journo who couldn't be arsed to do proper research?

!

MrsT, see this thread.

Also, this thread for another lazy arse journalist.

Sorry, MrsMH, I still just think of 'Thierry' when I see your name - Hence MrsT!!

spicemonster - are you a solo Mum now, or have you met the man of your dreams? She's (understandably) upset that doi!ng it this way would make it even more difficult to meet a partner (not saying lots of single Mums don't, but doing it by choice is different isn't it). I hope you don't mind me asking (and please feel totally free to just ignore me) but she's also undecided how to go about it - friend/donor/one night stand... what were your thoughts on it?

veryfragile - thanks! It's always good to have this info!!

btw i knwo an unmarried couple who adopted years ago

You are probably being realistic to think that she has left it pretty late but why would you not feel compassion for her?

ChippingIn - am very happy to answer any questions from you or your friend but, given that this entire thread has been exposed as lazy journo 'research', can you CAT me and I'll email you?

I am totally behind and this is totally OT but this line jumped out and smacked me in the face -

"i really hope that you never have to endure the pain of wanting a child and clinging desperately to your dh, both crying, because once again your pants are full of blood and you have failed at a basic human function"

every month, this is exactly how I feel

this paranoia about journalists on here is getting a bit cringey tbh.

maybe consider that if you post on public forum anyone can read
anyone can cut & paste your sentiments
when you hit the send button makes it public property
MN retains editorial control and can reproduce anything posted here.wasn't the MN book's composed of quotes

but i agree plagiarising mn is lazy journalism

but certain threads are MN perennials and always get bulging eye responses

sahm/working mum
bf/formula
babies in nursery

Erm - where did we all discover it was a journalist? Did I miss that bit?

it definitely wasn't a journalist, longtall, it just a bunch of hysterical women bitching at another mner who'd changed her name cos she didn't want her pals to see her on here and get their feelings hurt. i know this for a fact, as it happens.

journalists very rarely cut and paste from the internet, unless they're reporting on something like the moldie melee where seeing a fuck-filled post from someone called thedevilsknobcheese is relevant to the piece.

Oh good, I'm pleased to see it wasn't just me who thought that DM piece wasn't connected to this thread. I can't quite see what bits from the article the MNers thought were lifted from their posts here.

folk love a good ole conspiracy theory and dark forces lurking on MN (allegedly)

truth is a lot tamer

By AitchTwoOh on Thu 18-Jun-09 11:11:25
this paranoia about journalists on here is getting a bit cringey tbh.

God, so agree.

Hello, think it might help to clarify that the OP here is not a journalist but is a real-life, long-standing Mumsnetter who's wondering if she's being unreasonable.

Also I strongly suspect that the inspiration for the leaving-having-children-until-later-life story that appeared in the D Mail this week was the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists' warning, reported in this week's parenting newsletter, that "women should become mothers by the age of 35 to escape the infertility, miscarriage and problematic pregnancies that are much more common after that age", rather than this thread. But we could be wrong .

I don't think the OP is an unfeeling monster. I think she is being honest about her mixed feelings. I have been there with the whole TTC thing and it's horrendous. However, I was in my twenties because I prioritised having a family over having a high-flying career. If I had done it the other way around I would have been in big trouble.

I feel very sorry for the OP's friend because people do change and people do make mistakes. In this day and age, when we're all told we can have whatever we want if we want it enough and work hard enough, it's a hard lesson to learn that sometimes we just can't.

It's an interesting twist on the usual situation. Usually I get really cross about people who've had their children being judgemental about those who leave it late - and come to that pronouncements like that of the RCOG above - because usually it's the case that women who leave it until 40 usually do so because they didn't meet their life partner until later in life. So those "don't leave it until 40" pronouncements are stressful and pointless.

However - this woman's friend could have tried earlier. But she didn't. Now, with the benefit of hindsight, I bet she wishes she'd chucked out the pill years ago. I bet she tortures herself over it. I bet she's consumed with regret, as well as having to cope with the huge unpleasantness which I understand accompanies IVF. Yes - another course of action would have been more prudent. But that doesn't mean the OP shouldn't have compassion for her. Because in a way, she's carrying a double burden - the pain of infertility, and the "what-ifs"...

I had one son at 36 and one at 41 so I guess I am classed as an 'older mum'. However I do think the media should take some blame for this. You can leave it, you can have a career, there was even a Bridget Jones' weekend a few years ago where all these 30 something women got together and said they had plenty of time, women were having babies well into their forties (but it isnt really women who have never conceived) etc etc.

The fact is that 41 is really late to be thinking of having a first baby. Chances are you will need some help and of course the results arent great.