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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

to lack sympathy for my friend who is unable to conceive

349 replies

babyetcetera · 14/06/2009 22:19

We went to uni together and my friend met her husband there - they've been together ever since. In the meantime, some of us had children and she went on to have an amazing career...

When she and her husband have celebrated a big milestone in their marriage they decided to TTC. This was when she was 41. It's now been two years and she is in agonies talking about IVF etc.

I'm finding it hard to keep being sympathetic. Of course I am supporting her and I am devastated for her, but I keep thinking that she chose her life and is now being really REALLY unrealistic about having a baby.

Have I lost sight of any sort of human compassion or am I being realistic at this point?

OP posts:

fishie · 14/06/2009 22:29

what paulayatesmum said.

wonderingwondering · 14/06/2009 22:30

It is awful to lack sympathy for someone dealing with fertility problems, whatever their choices or circumstances.

But I do see (sort of) the point perhaps the OP is trying to make: I see my friends in their mid-thirties saying 'just one more holiday' or 'oh, no, not ready yet', and I do really worry for them that when they do decide to try for a baby they might have problems. So I do understand feeling a bit exasperated at sometimes unrealistic expectations that fertility lasts forever.

Trikken · 14/06/2009 22:30

YABU. You should try and be sympathetic and be there for your friend, whatever happens. Many women have babies at 41. you dont sound very caring towards your friend.

fishie · 14/06/2009 22:30

hahah biggest fan not mum. sorry paula.

MrsTittleMouse · 14/06/2009 22:30

We don't even know if she chose to wait until she was 41. What if her husband was undecided about having children? Far better for them to try to have children knowing that they want them, than to bring new people into the world just because they might possibly want them someday (or possibly not) and are in their fertile twenties.

Qally · 14/06/2009 22:32

You may be more at home on the Daily Wail boards. They're always printing stories about career girls hitting forty and discovering their souls ovaries have dried up.

mrsjammi · 14/06/2009 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 14/06/2009 22:32

A school friend had her kids early and they are grown up now.Shes remarried and is having her op reversed so she can have a baby and shes 42. I struggled for years to have kids and had my last at 40 and she said I was lucky which I know I am.I have loads of friends who could not have kids but I thought that it was odd to say I was lucky when she already had kids all those years i was desperate for them

Its all very difficult when you are desperate for a baby

MrsTittleMouse · 14/06/2009 22:32

I don't think that anyone realistically thinks that fertility doesn't decline in their late thirties/forties. It's forced down our throats weekly by the newspapers. Usually with some mysogynist crap about women thinking that they can "have it all".

Haribosmummy · 14/06/2009 22:33

That is so true, Mrstittlemouse

DH and I were together 8 years before we had children and I'm very glad we waited as our relationship was where it should be and his chilren (my DSDs) were much more relaxed about thier relationship with thier dad etc.,

There are often lots of other things which need to be considered before deciding to have a child.

Kirstieallsoppsalterego · 14/06/2009 22:34

Is this a serious question?

hazeyjane · 14/06/2009 22:34

"Of course I am supporting her and I am devastated for her"

You are obviously doing neither.

Sycamoretreeisvile · 14/06/2009 22:35

Dear OP, I'm not sure you will find what you're looking for here.

I think you should go away, nicely

MumHadEnough · 14/06/2009 22:35

YABVVVVVU. Who are you to decide when your friend decides to conceive. Perhaps she decided to work her arse off first so that when the time came she could give her child the very best in life. That is her business and damn well none of yours.

How can you call yourself a friend? I have enemies more sympathetic than you!

ThisIsJustATribute · 14/06/2009 22:35

What a harsh and bitter OP. Just what the world needs - more harshness and bitterness .

And judging - oooh the judging - we could do with more of that i'm sure.

wonderingwondering · 14/06/2009 22:36

But Mrs TM, I do see my friends living their life in the expectation that when they are ready, it will happen and they'll have a family. On the other hand I'm already seeing other friends go through fertility problems, and feel frustrated? worried? irritated? at the ones who are waiting taking something so important for granted.

mrsjammi · 14/06/2009 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

kalo12 · 14/06/2009 22:36

did you never make a mistake? did you never regret doing something only to find out it was too late to rectify it.

are you saying it serves her right for having a career that you decided to forego? did she nick your career or something and now wants your life of children?

yes its inhuman. imagine the pain of wanting children and not being able to have them

PaulaYatesMum · 14/06/2009 22:38

fishie

Noonki · 14/06/2009 22:40

seconds kalo

by the way. bitch.

Heathcliffscathy · 14/06/2009 22:40

we've all risen to this post really haven't we.

might be a troll is suppose.

but equally, i can bet each and every single one of you has had some really ugly thoughts.

i think the OP knows they are. i'm not sure what she wants from mn in that respect.

but flaming her is a waste of energy?

MumHadEnough · 14/06/2009 22:41

Yeah I agree sophable, but I'm walking away from this thread now.

musicposy · 14/06/2009 22:41

You should be symapthetic. Whatever life choices she did or didn't make, she's having a tough time now. We can all look back and realise we maybe should have done things differently, but you make choices based on the information you have at the time.

I should have had my first much earlier. i should have started trying for number 3 when DD2 was very young. Then maybe I wouldn't have been battling with secondary infertility for the last 7 years (another thing that people find it hard to be sympathetic over). But hindsight is a wonderful thing and it is easy to assume you will always be able to fall pregnant. The trouble is, you don't know what the future holds when you make your life choices. I wanted nicely spaced gaps between my children. I didn't know that in planning my life exactly how I thought I wanted it, I was leaving it too late - and I doubt your friend knew either.

Try to walk a mile in someone elses shoes, and be the sort of friend you should after all those years.

MrsTittleMouse · 14/06/2009 22:43

wondering - it might be that they are TTC, but don't want to make it public and are using those answers to fend off any questions. DH and I kept our TTC very quiet, and thank goodness, as it turned out that we had very severe fertility problems. We were able to decide on treatment and have that treatment without the glare of friends and family, which I very much appreciated. The pressure on me just from the two of us was extreme, I couldn't have born the weight of anyone else's expectations. Just a thought.

PaulaYatesMum · 14/06/2009 22:45

sophable- sound-bites for a column ?

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