Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to lack sympathy for my friend who is unable to conceive

349 replies

babyetcetera · 14/06/2009 22:19

We went to uni together and my friend met her husband there - they've been together ever since. In the meantime, some of us had children and she went on to have an amazing career...

When she and her husband have celebrated a big milestone in their marriage they decided to TTC. This was when she was 41. It's now been two years and she is in agonies talking about IVF etc.

I'm finding it hard to keep being sympathetic. Of course I am supporting her and I am devastated for her, but I keep thinking that she chose her life and is now being really REALLY unrealistic about having a baby.

Have I lost sight of any sort of human compassion or am I being realistic at this point?

OP posts:
Noonki · 14/06/2009 22:46

I reakon you might be right paula

amberatkins · 14/06/2009 22:50

Babyetcetera At the risk of being flamed, I can see where you are coming from. We had problems TTC and needed intervention to get pg. During that time I found it hard when talking to an older friend who had had a high flying career and at 40 had decided to TTC.

I felt that our mutual friends gave more support to her than to me because, as I was younger, I had 'time on my side' but I couldn't get over the feeling that she had had a whole life already (travel, career etc), whereas I was just trying to start mine and all I wanted was a family. It was a very selfish feeling but I still felt that way .

That being said though, the years spent TTC were the most soul destroying I have ever had and no matter what the circumstances you need to support your friend. A real friend offers support even when they don't fully agree/understand.

I don't think you should be chastised for discussing your opinions on a forum like this either.

wonderingwondering · 14/06/2009 22:50

Mts TM, in two cases they are my two best friends who are very open with me - I wouldn't enquire as to other people's situations for that very reason. But I do feel really worried that when they do feel ready, they may have problems - two other good friends are having fertility treatment at the moment and it is so difficult for them.

I know there is no guarantees, but to see the idea of having children being treated relatively lightly, when I know how heartbreaking infertility can be, is difficult. But I can't persuade them to start a family before they are ready.

I don't think it is possible to understand how overwhelming the urge to have a child can be, until you experience it.

MrsTittleMouse · 14/06/2009 22:50

Good God, are there any articles in weekend supplements that don't come from Mumsnet nowadays? Or self-pitying drivel about the world not understanding their "choices" when they are the ones who are forcing their opinions down everyone's throats (yes I mean you, Polly Vernon ).

FenellaFudge · 14/06/2009 22:51

I think it's terribly heartbreaking for anyone who wishes to conceive and finds that they cant.
But I would feel limited sympathy for someone in this situation due to their own lifestyle choices.
I would assume that person took an educated risk.

ToughDaddy · 14/06/2009 22:52

Hope this is a Troll as some of you have been very harsh. ALtho' I agree with substance can't you say these things in a nicer way? Some people do get quite upset when they post their deep thoughts and then get so harsly criticised. You can always say it in a more gentle way.

psychomum5 · 14/06/2009 22:53

toughtdaddy, first post ever on this board, and not returned.

me things the T word stands!!

fruitshootsandheaves · 14/06/2009 22:54

I'm so dumb that I spent ages on this thread looking for the person called fishie who PYM was winking at.

MrsTittleMouse · 14/06/2009 22:54

wondering - I wouldn't have believed it either, hence my previous post about our decision never to have fertility treatment - until we found out that we needed it.

I still don't think that you can say anything though, I mean, if you have friends who are having treatment, then they must have an idea of how difficult it is. They just need to know that the time is right for them. I really hope that things work out for them, and I can see why you are concerned.

FairLadyRantALot · 14/06/2009 22:55

yabtu....how very sad...and tbh, you are the kinda friend that people don't need...I mean, who needs enemies with friends like that? Sorry, you are being a bitch, to put it bluntly

ToughDaddy · 14/06/2009 22:57

There is a big Troll infestation going round, isn't there.

Kimi · 14/06/2009 22:59

I have a friend aged 40 that has just had her first child, age is just a number

ToughDaddy · 14/06/2009 23:00

Trust no stranger on MN

scottishmummy · 14/06/2009 23:03

ah the sterotypical career mum gambled with biological clock.and lost

gee that isnt a sterotype is it

if you are a so called friend you are very unkind one.to not be moved by her pain

HolyGuacamole · 14/06/2009 23:05

PMSL at fruitshoots

Sycamoretreeisvile · 14/06/2009 23:05

Sigh sigh sigh.
Toughdaddy I hear ya.

expatinscotland · 14/06/2009 23:05

'A friend's good fortune is a blessing' - Tibetan proverb.

So that makes you . . . no friend at all.

You are not devestated for her. You are smug and self-congratulatory.

And pathetic.

amberatkins · 14/06/2009 23:06

Sorry to change topic, but can I ask what a Troll is? Is it someone who comes on and posts just to be difficult or is it someone with a new name who is unknown on MN, or a bit of both?

I've been on MN for ages but am a serial namechanger (for various reasons), but never post just to be difficult, so am I a Troll?

Sorry, hope this post isn't Troll-ish! (Off to bed in 2mins so if I don't reply will catch up on the thread in the morning)

ChippingIn · 14/06/2009 23:07

After all the crap with Lola today, I'm feeling very T R O L L about this, especially with this being your very post. However, just in case you are genuine....

YABVU

You cannot be both devastated by this and be finding it hard to be sympathetic.

I can understand 'other' people feeling a bit frustrated that she's left it until 'later' to have children and is now suprised it's not happening when she wants it to. However, if this was my friend I would just be devastated and symathetic and would not be thinking she should have done it the same way I did - which is what your post smacks of.

psychomum5 · 14/06/2009 23:07

toughdaddy, three threads and counting......

pickyvic · 14/06/2009 23:08

some people count their blessings. and others take theirs for granted. i think you might fall into the latter

amber a troll is someone who posts on a forum just to stir up trouble.

pickyvic · 14/06/2009 23:09

and the first bit of my post was directed at the OP by the way! just to be clear! x

FairLadyRantALot · 14/06/2009 23:10

amber a troll is someone whi basically invents crap and posts it, to stir, or to satisfy some sick attention need...so, presumably you are not a troll by that description

scottishmummy · 14/06/2009 23:12

amber,troll starts contentious provocative often emotionally charged high octane threads just for the sake of it.to get a response

usually emotive subjects

domestic violoence
abuse

fortunately peoople are smart and can spot em

amberatkins · 14/06/2009 23:12

Thanks Picky and FairLady, it just dawned on me that because I often change my name, I often post for the first time with a new name. It'd never occured to me that might indicate I was a Troll.