"I am saying I think ppl who will ONLY consider IVF because they are afraid the children will be difficult should maybe question why they want a child at all."
And I'm saying what the hell gives you the right to lecture people who seek to overcome their infertility on what they should do? With your naturally conceived DC?
An adoptive parent isn't just creating a bond, as with a newborn. They're painfully unravelling years of damage loaded onto the poor kid before they ever met them. The half of adoptions that break down are those where the parents have applied, gone through the whole process, had every detail of their lives and personalities analysed, been approved - and then been carefully and painstakingly matched with a child or a sibling group by highly trained professionals. At any stage, that process can fail. So these are people who've already climbed a mountain. They are not quitters, they are incredibly able and self-aware people. And yet many, many have to return the child they so longed to have and worked so hard to reach.
You cannot reasonably compare a child who has been so hurt and damaged by their biological parents, then moved about from foster homes where the optimal outcome is that they, again, lose someone they love - before ever reaching their forever family - with a child with a stable, loving and secure home from year dot who has been abused. If my son, God forbid, is abused, he will know he has a family who adore him, who will stand by him, and we can work with that basis of trust. A newly adopted child has been given ample reason not to trust adults. Or, indeed, anyone at all. Sometimes, they more or less lack the capacity. This is not mere "difficulty".
Any parent can have a difficult child. An adoptive parent of an older child, and you are guaranteed one - the only variable is the degree of difficulty. Adoption, when successful, creates a parent/child bond as real and profound as any, and that's all you are focusing on: that eventual, positive outcome. But it is DIFFERENT, because you are dealing with a hugely vulnerable and uniquely damaged individual who is going to be even MORE screwed up if placed unsuccessfully. Thinking people are good candidates to adopt older kids purely because they are willing to try IVF is like saying, well, everyone with a red car should. It makes very little logical sense.
I am so, so grateful I was able to have ds, in my mid-thirties. But I just do not have what it takes to adopt an older child. I don't have the emotional resources to give them the best shot at a successful outcome. To think that you do, when to be blunt you don't even seem to understand what is involved, is just unfortunate.