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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to hate people congratulating me for losing weight?

117 replies

HuffwardlyRudge · 14/06/2009 12:44

I have lost about a stone in a couple of months.

I know people mean to be nice but I am really fed up with everyone telling me how much weight I've lost.

Firstly, I haven't lost THAT much. I was a 14/16 and now I'm a 12/14. Big whoop .

Secondly this is not my greatest achievement. It was not difficult. I just made sure I burned more calories every day than I ate by eating less and exercising more and monitoring as I went along. Yes, it was frustrating or boring sometimes, but not really worthy of the praise I am getting heaped upon me.

Thirdly, it really underlines to me how important how you look is, and I find this depressing. It shouldn't matter. It does matter though and people are squealing with delight now I am slightly more attractive than I was a couple of months ago. Tell me you find that depressing too. Why would they care? They don't have to have sex with me, just talk to me over weak tea and cheap biscuits once a week.

Fourthly it really puts pressure on me not to gain weight again. I now feel that if and when I gain the weight again everyone will be thinking "cor she's a right fat heiffer again now, she must have been main lining donuts."

And finally, I am really really bad at noticing whether or not people have lost or gained weight. I have a strong feeling that half of the women who were telling me how great I looked this morning were expecting me to say it back to them but I have NO idea what they looked like 3 months ago and how they compare today. Everyone looks fine to me. Probably they go up and down in weight but I don't feel comfortable commenting on something personal like that. I don't comment if they have a particularly nasty spot that clears up either, or if their hair is a bit less frizzy this week.

I'm not objecting to a good friends complimenting me that I am looking good.

I do object to the whole world giving me a standing ovation for managing to eat slightly fewer buns this month, as though it is the most interesting thing about me.

AIBU?

OP posts:

JodieO · 14/06/2009 12:49

Well a stone is more than a few buns isn't it. I think people were just being nice, not trying to upset you or to mean that weight is your only attribute. I think you're reading FAR too much into it.

civilfawlty · 14/06/2009 12:53

i absolutely know what you mean.

for me, it is the implication that there was something wrong with me before. it is becoming increasingly clear that people think i am insecure or have low self esteem because i am overweight, and in fact is the other way around. so, because its not noticing thats the issue, but the type of compliment - it just compounds this insecurity. and i feel its only now that i am getting stronger and more confident that i am able to address my weight/weight loss.

pickyvic · 14/06/2009 12:54

think it depends on why you wanted to lose the weight in the first place - im at WW and im absolutely dying for someone to bloody well notice that ive dropped a stone....no one has yet but im not gonna announce it to the world! if you just did it for yourself, then great but people often do notice things like this and perhaps think they are giving you a bit of encouragement?

ive done it (and am still trying to do a bit more!) mainly to get fit and not so much for the weight aspect...im a special and im noticing that im a lot less fit than the coppers i work with, so ive upped the exercise that i do and am eating sensibly.

but i think if people notice your weight loss they are going to comment on it. (can we swap friends please! lol)

FenellaFudge · 14/06/2009 13:02

Next time someone congratulates you say to them:
"I do wish people would stop praising me, a stone is not that much and it wasn't terrribly difficult.
You're also heaping pressure on me not to regain the weight and making me feel that I was less attractive before - though I do agree with you on that point - I just dont want you to think it"

Or do you think that might making you seem as though you are being really rather neurotic unreasonable?

Lucia39 · 14/06/2009 13:04

If you don't want to receive comments it begs the question - why did you start a thread on it?

NorkyButNice · 14/06/2009 13:04

I don't personally comment on people's weight loss as you never know why it's happened (having lost 3.5 stone partly through illness I'm getting sick of being old how great I look when I feel terrible).

If I knew someone was putting a lot of work into getting fit (waves over from couch 2 5k thread) then I'd maybe comment that they were looking great meaning healthy/toned etc.

I like having the peer pressure not to put weight on again but I'm weird like that! I think YABU I'm afraid. They're certainly not trying to be horrible in any way, are they?

curiositykilled · 14/06/2009 13:05

mih, just wait till it calms down. People are just trying to be nice, don't let it make your worried.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 14/06/2009 13:07

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TreeTrunkThighs · 14/06/2009 13:10

I think YABU. People are just being nice and it's great that you are looking great. Isn't it?

TreeTrunkThighs · 14/06/2009 13:12

And I meant to add that I think a stone in a couple of months is big whoop

psychomum5 · 14/06/2009 13:12

I think you are reading far too much into this.

what would you rather they do, ignore you??

this is just their way of acknowledging you and starting a conversation. it is a nice thing, friendly, chatty.....

or do you not like people to notice you, show that they take enough interest in you to acknowledge that you look different, healthier maybe, happier even (altho the way you discribe your irritation, I am sure you must glare and not look happy when they are being nice and congratulatory).

just because they comment does not put pressure on you.....you are doing that.

I have lost a lot of weight in the last 18mths......not thru trying, more thru allergies and not being able to eat what I like, but the other day I bumped into someone I have not seen in about 3yrs. (was DH's cousin in fact).

now, I said hello, he looked blank until I said who I was. He apologized as I looked so different than he remembered me, and noticed it was due to me being slimmer.

I felt thrilled. He actually had noticed me enough in the past to know I looked different now, and more importantly, how.

zookeeper · 14/06/2009 13:12

YABU

(there's no pleasing some people)

chimchar · 14/06/2009 13:12

sometimes, the weight you have lost looks so huge, that it would be rude not to comment iykwim?

i lost 3 stone, and had loads of comments...i was a bit embarrassed, but took the compliments as they were ment, in good faith...

most women (certainly that i know) struggle with their weight, either to maintain it, to lose it, or to stay feeling comfortable in their skin....that is why people comment, because you are suceeding where they are having trouble....thats my take on it...

i do understand though that thin does not equal beautiful.

RumourOfAHurricane · 14/06/2009 13:30

This reply has been deleted

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Mutt · 14/06/2009 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TrillianAstra · 14/06/2009 13:32

You may not have found it difficult but many people do, so I expect they are congratulating you because they assume it was difficult and an achievement that you are proud of.

RumourOfAHurricane · 14/06/2009 13:34

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juneybean · 14/06/2009 13:35

YABU some people DO find it hard work.

Original poster

HuffwardlyRudge · 14/06/2009 13:37

Lol - I knew people would say I was BU !

But why is it rude to say "Wow! Your skin has really cleared up!" and rude to say "Cor, your hair really isn't greasy any more - are you using a different shampoo?" but a compliment to say "Gosh, you've really lost weight"?

OP posts:

psychomum5 · 14/06/2009 13:40

because it is a compliment.

and as we have been bought up to consider people feelings, we don;t insult them when they are feeling crappy about themselves when they have spots or bad hair.

HelloBeastie · 14/06/2009 13:44

No, I think YANBU, I lost some weight a while ago and when people said 'wow, haven't you lost weight!' I read into it all the things you list in the OP, plus the subtext of '...cause you were a right porker before!'

But I'm also someone who's terrible at noticing if someone else has lost/gained weight, maybe that's part of it.

Incidentally, I have since put it all back on. But I have got a DD to show for it...

duckyfuzz · 14/06/2009 13:46

I think YABabitU - I've just lost half a stone in a fortnight and am surrounded by weight obsessed people at work, I wish one of them would notice

HumpingAnteater · 14/06/2009 13:46

Can I be arsey and say geting to a size 10 should be a breeze then.

Nancy66 · 14/06/2009 13:48

Yes. You sound like a miserable cow.

People will always comment on appearance, be it weight loss, new clothes, new hairdo or whatever. They are being nice.

When people are being kind and friendly why throw it back in their face.

Original poster

HuffwardlyRudge · 14/06/2009 14:04

Who threw anything in anyone's face?

OP posts:

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