to hate people congratulating me for losing weight?

[HuffwardlyRudge]

I have lost about a stone in a couple of months.

I know people mean to be nice but I am really fed up with everyone telling me how much weight I've lost.

Firstly, I haven't lost THAT much. I was a 14/16 and now I'm a 12/14. Big whoop .

Secondly this is not my greatest achievement. It was not difficult. I just made sure I burned more calories every day than I ate by eating less and exercising more and monitoring as I went along. Yes, it was frustrating or boring sometimes, but not really worthy of the praise I am getting heaped upon me.

Thirdly, it really underlines to me how important how you look is, and I find this depressing. It shouldn't matter. It does matter though and people are squealing with delight now I am slightly more attractive than I was a couple of months ago. Tell me you find that depressing too. Why would they care? They don't have to have sex with me, just talk to me over weak tea and cheap biscuits once a week.

Fourthly it really puts pressure on me not to gain weight again. I now feel that if and when I gain the weight again everyone will be thinking "cor she's a right fat heiffer again now, she must have been main lining donuts."

And finally, I am really really bad at noticing whether or not people have lost or gained weight. I have a strong feeling that half of the women who were telling me how great I looked this morning were expecting me to say it back to them but I have NO idea what they looked like 3 months ago and how they compare today. Everyone looks fine to me. Probably they go up and down in weight but I don't feel comfortable commenting on something personal like that. I don't comment if they have a particularly nasty spot that clears up either, or if their hair is a bit less frizzy this week.

I'm not objecting to a good friends complimenting me that I am looking good.

I do object to the whole world giving me a standing ovation for managing to eat slightly fewer buns this month, as though it is the most interesting thing about me.

AIBU?

Okay.

I didn't mean to imply it was a breeze, losing a stone. Of course it wasn't. But neither did I unlock the secret to alchemy - I just ate less and exercised more and hey presto, I lost weight. It's basic maths. Hard, yes. Difficult, no.

Also, just to clarify, when people pay me a compliment I smile politely and say thank you.

However, I still hate it, and haven't yet seen anything on this thread to change my mind.

If someone said to me "Your skin has really cleared up Huff - you're looking really clear!" I would not be thrilled. I would think "god, my shitty skin must have been really noticable, I hope it doen't come back".

So, when someone says "Wow, you've really lost weight Huff, you're looking really skinny" I think how depressing that people thought of me as a fat person when I thought I looked pretty okay.

I don't want people to make personal comments about my appearance. I particularly don't want to spend 2 hours being told by everyone I've ever exchanged friendly nods with that I have lost weight. People are so specific about it.

Oh how lovely this op is. It's so nice to hear of people complimenting, praising, noticing, reaching out in a positive way.

I've lost 2 stones. I want you to notice. I want you to comment. Tell me I look better. Because, you know what, I do.

YABU and you know you are.
Don't see the point of the thread to be honest.

I do understand what you mean, but you presumably did intend to lose the weight for one reason or another so they are congratulating you on achieving your goal. I know what you mean about the whole appearances thing, though. I lost a lot of weight (11st to 9st in a month) when travelling, and although I could have done with being a bit lighter I would rather have done it the healthy way and got fitter than spent four weeks of extreme D&V in a place with limited facilities and a long way from home. When I came home I got lots of compliments about how I looked and it really upset me because the experience behind losing the weight was involuntary and deeply unpleasant.

However, people clearly do want to compliment you rather than insult you, so I would take what they say in that light, perhaps with a jokey 'so you thought I was an ugly heifer before?' if you want to watch people squirm !

Why did you want to drop the weight in the first place if it doesn't matter what size you are?

I sort of understand where you're coming from. I've lost a fair bit of weight, and I always think omg, how bad did I look before? even though I know I look better iykwim, but yesterday I saw several people who I haven't seen for a while, and was quite disappointed surprised that they didn't make any comment.

you must be very paranoid if you think that people were thinking badly of you before to be able to comment nicely on you now!!

It's our set up as a society. We value slimness and hold it up as an ideal of beauty. Therefore to say someone's slimmed is a compliment.

Spots, greasy hair = not society's ideal therefore we don't comment because it would be seen as rude

It's really everso simple, I don't see why you don't get this? Basic set up of western society, innit?!

I've lost a stone, also going from a 16/14 to a 12/14 and no bugger has noticed or commented.

Bit disheartening actually. I don't want congratulations, but to know I look phyiscally slimmer would be nice.

me or the op psychomum?

I'm not paranoid (well not about this issue) but I never really thought about how I looked until I lost the weight (which I did for health reasons) so then when people start commenting it's a bit of an eye-opener iykwim.

I don't think I can have stated my spots / fat comparison very well as I think people are misunderstanding.

1. "Your skin has really cleared up" = you used to have spots but now you have clear skin = not a compliment.

1. "You have lots weight" = you used to be fat but now you are slim = compliment.

Why?

Well, I've lost 7 stone, still have a bit to go, and I am thrilled when people comment on it. It has been hard work, over a long period of time and I am more hurt when people who should notice, don't appear to. MIL has never, ever, acknowledged my weight loss despite managing to tell Dh frequently beforehand how badly I needed to lose weight! Clearly, dropping 5 dress sizes is not noticeable!

I think when people notice and comment it gives me the incentive to continue.

Huff
You are being churlish and i think you know it.And you are taking exactly the opposite and very negative connotation from what people are saying

People wouldn't say 'gosh your skin has cleared up' because having bad skin is always bad. People would say 'gosh your skin looks lovely' because everyone has lovely and unlovely skin days however 'clear' and spot free you may be.

People may say 'gosh you have lost weightand you look great' precisely because being heavier is not always a bad thing. Some people look great/fine/beter a bit heavier ( although you don't seem to believe that). I often get told i look great when i know the only difference is that I am about half a stone heavier.

I think you are reflecting back at others your own negative perception of carrying extra weight.

I don't think I ever quickly spot why someone looks great - i have to ask them often, as in 'you look fab, what is different from last time I saw you'.
I also tend to say 'you look well' as often that is the first thing I notice without being identify why.

Its not others.You have isshhhooos

Huffwardly your examples are not the same.

Someone may say 'wow your skin looks lovely' - not the same as saying 'your skin has really cleared up'. Subtle difference maybe but its just someone being nice.

I'm always telling friends/acquaintances if i think they've lost weight/hair looks nice etc. Paying people compliments is lots of people's strategy for making friends and engaing someone in conversation.

I also always tell pregnant women that they have a lovely neat bump - basically all the things i love to hear myself.

You are definitely over-thinking this. People are just being nice - accept the compliment gracefully and then change the subject.

I lost over 2 stone a few years ago, i knew i looked a munter before-hand and when i lost the weight my confidence rocketed, mainly down to people noticing and commenting.

Its each to their own, i know someone who just cant take a compliment, when someone comments that her hair looks nice she always snaps back at them 'well did i look like sh1t yesterday then?'

Sad really but then i live in a shiny happy rosy world

Huffy - sounds like you need a glass of wine and a bit of choccy - clearly all this dieting is making you grumpy.

Fern Brittain syndrome.

However much someone might say, 'oh it's great to be large and what a fabulous example of a sexy woman', we know that if that person was able to lose weight they would. People are happier when they are not overweight.

It's just a compliment on looking good, that's all.

People are also happier with clear skin, however that is often out of their control. To say, 'you look radiant today' would also be a compliment, not rude.

This won't come across well but when I was very youthful I used to be told I was beautiful one way or the other on a daily basis which used to make me squirm because I never made an effort, ever..

But woe betide a day when nothing was said!

I would have serious hang ups about why I hadn't been complimented and would be very self conscious indeed.

So, now I'm middle aged and wrinkled and I would love it if someone said something nice to me which is why I always comment if I see someone look nicer than they normally do. If they didn't want to be noticed why would they bother making the effort?

I kind of see OP's point of view.

I feel very uncomfortable about comments about weight loss (both people saying it to me and me saying them to others) because quite frankly I always think it sounds a bit rude. It's like saying, "Oh yes, you look nice now, but before you were fat." And I think this is different from givin or receiving compliments about other things.

any compliment which implies that the person looked worse before is badly done.

not good form to make such personal remarks unless close friend or family.

you are right huffwardly

Of course there are more important things in life - but you've made the effort to lose weight, so obviously it mattered to you to do it. Isn't it a good thing when one's efforts are recognised?

I lost two stone a year or two ago (went from a size 16 to a 12) and have LOVED the compliments - second only to the joy I feel at going shopping and trying on clothes and being able to fit them over my arse. I know what you mean if you feel a bit uncomfortable at the idea of people making 'judgements' about your body - but I somehow got over it. The day DH came home and told me he'd bumped into a friend of ours who said 'I saw your wife the other day - or what's left of her, she looks fantastic' was a happy one for me. But maybe I am more shallow than I like to think!

many years ago i also went from a 16 down to a 12. u remember being at a family party and my uncle turned to me and said "what have you done to your self", so i turn to look in the mirror wondering what on earth i had done, thinking i had something on my face or something, but no he was going on about my weight, the then said, you must have lost about 4 stone, f*ing cheek!! it did pee me off and when others kept mentioning it to, i felt like they all thought i must have been huge or something.
after ds2 now though i wish i was a 16!! i dread to think what they must think now!

Whilst I take on board that most people think I'm being a grumpy old moo about this, it is gratifying to see that a few people see where I'm coming from.

I loathe how important it is to be slim. It is hard to be slim and it is celebrated like a cure for cancer. I don't think men are under quite the same pressure.

We do it to ourselves.

And I suppose underneath it all I know that people are right and I do look better now, but I still hate that it is such public property what I choose to do with my body with regards to weight. I hate that what is being celebrated is essentially me starving myself in order to conform to how I ought to look.

I also realise that I'm probably a bit muddled about the whole thing, so don't leap on me in triumph if I've contradicted myself. My feelings run very strongly.

Wispabar, I am pleased you enjoyed the compliment, but I would be furious if someone said that to my husband about me. I haven't managed to put my finger on why exactly, but I would not feel delighted.

Message withdrawn

YABU

Lots and lots and lots of women want to lose weight and find it incredibly difficult. Congratulating another woman on that acheivement is just a kind thing to do.