to hate people congratulating me for losing weight?

[HuffwardlyRudge]

I have lost about a stone in a couple of months.

I know people mean to be nice but I am really fed up with everyone telling me how much weight I've lost.

Firstly, I haven't lost THAT much. I was a 14/16 and now I'm a 12/14. Big whoop .

Secondly this is not my greatest achievement. It was not difficult. I just made sure I burned more calories every day than I ate by eating less and exercising more and monitoring as I went along. Yes, it was frustrating or boring sometimes, but not really worthy of the praise I am getting heaped upon me.

Thirdly, it really underlines to me how important how you look is, and I find this depressing. It shouldn't matter. It does matter though and people are squealing with delight now I am slightly more attractive than I was a couple of months ago. Tell me you find that depressing too. Why would they care? They don't have to have sex with me, just talk to me over weak tea and cheap biscuits once a week.

Fourthly it really puts pressure on me not to gain weight again. I now feel that if and when I gain the weight again everyone will be thinking "cor she's a right fat heiffer again now, she must have been main lining donuts."

And finally, I am really really bad at noticing whether or not people have lost or gained weight. I have a strong feeling that half of the women who were telling me how great I looked this morning were expecting me to say it back to them but I have NO idea what they looked like 3 months ago and how they compare today. Everyone looks fine to me. Probably they go up and down in weight but I don't feel comfortable commenting on something personal like that. I don't comment if they have a particularly nasty spot that clears up either, or if their hair is a bit less frizzy this week.

I'm not objecting to a good friends complimenting me that I am looking good.

I do object to the whole world giving me a standing ovation for managing to eat slightly fewer buns this month, as though it is the most interesting thing about me.

AIBU?

I think you are probably being a little oversensitive to get upset about it. Just smile and nod. But I do sympathise a little as it can get boring. I also got a bit fed up when I started running to get fit and because I enjoyed it. The whole thing gave me a buzz and made me feel fantastic. Yes I lost weight but that was an unexpected bonus. I wanted to talk to people about how fit I was getting, how much better I felt, the routes I took, the fact I'd seen a kingfisher and a little egret... all the things that I enjoyed about it. But what were they interested in? The fact that I had got thinner.

The conversation would go along these lines:

Friend: "So are you still doing your running then?"
Me: "Yes, I'm really enjoying it. I got up to 6 miles the other day"
Friend:" Yes well it's working, you've lost loads of weight.... "

and then the conversation veered off into diets and clothes size etc.

Very very dull.

YAB a bit U.

Like most people have said the folk complimenting you are only trying to be nice and encouraging. If nobody had said anything and you'd dropped a dress size you'd probably be on here asking if you were being unreasonable for wanting some acknowledgement and praise.

What I find annoying is when someone tells I look as though I've lost loads of weight when I haven't lost any, most probably have actually put a few pounds on. It makes me think the image they must have had of me in their heads must have been of a really big fatso

The fact that people are congratulating you for losing weight probably reminds you that you needed to lose weight and makes you think that they may have thought you fat before.

..........OP, just to clarify, I am not saying that you did need to lose weight btw, just that when someone asks if you've lost weight, it confirms what we already knew - that we probably needed to lose a few pounds. Much like when someone says "I'm so fat" and people say "no you're not". When they stop protesting and don't say anything then you know you're a bit lardy.

Disclaimer: this all made sense in my head.

curry maid- you look fucking amazing,have you lost weight? (will that do??)

I'm with you.

Recently I saw some friends I hadn't seen for about a year, and in that time had lost some weight and gone from a size 14/16 to a size 12/14. So not a lot. And I got comments like "goodness, have you lost LOADS of weight?" and from one friend "it's great to see you! And there's so much less of you!" I was seriously pissed off.

harryb - that is one of the purposes of my mother. She is a my fat canary. When she stops saying 'ooh you are too thin' then I know I'm piling on the pounds

some people are never happy lol.
I'm on a diet and I love it when people go on about how much weight I've lost (2st 1lb, thanks for asking ) in fact, I have a comparison picture up on my FB reminding people how much I've changed. I know I was fat before and I know I'm doing a bloody good job now and I sure as hell want people to notice.
The ironic thing is I'm only losing weight to be in the right BMI bracket for IVF, but I'm really enjoying ppl telling me how good I look!

YABU- I love it! When I started to lose weight everyone said 'you don't need to' but I went ahead. I was size 14 and am now size 12 and my goal weight. I think I look much better and I certainly feel much better because I have increased my exercise. I never get tired of people saying it!!!

YANBU!

I know exactly what you mean. And can I just say that its not because I'm a miserable old cow

I think the OP said this too, its not so much when friends/family say stuff and in fact I have loads of conversations with my mum and sister about it as we all lost weight for my wedding (I've had DS since) so we swap tips on how to lose weight while being greedy cows.

What I object to are the comments from people I barely know or who I would never discuss anything else personal with. There are also some people who say it in an almost accusatory tone "oooh haven't you lost weight".

I think the worst was my MiL (who is and always has been a tiny size 8/10). One Easter, at the table, (when I was mid-diet) she presented everyone with their chocolate eggs and then put a small rubber egg in front of me and went off into peals of laughter. I was mortified . I now make sure my DH never tells her if I'm dieting now.

It probably is a bit sensitive but I don't think its over sensitive IYSWIM.

Huffwardly, I haven't read the whole thread but I know exactly what you mean. I've lost up to 20lb several times in my adult life and I do feel very mixed about comments - I'm always delighted to be thinner and like my body much better, but as I know from experience that I'll certainly put it all back on within a year, I feel rather embarrassed too and it makes me feel even worse when I'm gaining weight.
On the other hand, when I failed to comment on a rather heavy friend's big weight loss, she prompted me about it, so I never know whether to say anything myself or not. I once read an interview with some bloke (gay I think) who said he always greeted female friends with "Haven't you lost weight?" no matter what they looked like, which made me laugh.

I have some sympathy with the OP in that it does make you self conscious about how fat you were before (and if you're dieting, for whatever reason, at the end of the day, you felt you were too fat and needed to slim down so it's not like this should be a surprise).

But... having said that, I think it's one of those things you just have to accept and nod and take it in the spirit it's meant which is as a compliment. I think some people do it much better they'll say, "You're looking so well" or "You're looking very fit" but nonetheless, the subtext is always going to be "you're thinner, and yes, more attractive, than you were before" but that's just the way the world works and at least they think you look better now.

Also, bear in mind that looking "better" now does not mean that you looked like crap before. Today I look "better" than I did yesterday - the outfit I'm wearing fits better and is more flattering. Doesn't mean I was butt ugly yesterday.

I am losing weight and am starting to practise what I will say when people ask me about it. I'm leaning towards, "yes, I've lost quite a lot and am feeling really good" but not going into details of how much etc.

If I notice someone's lost or is losing weight, I'll usually ask them (yes,yes I'm very nosey)

If they answer 'yes' in a happy kind of a way I'll tell them how great they look. If not, I leave it there and apologise for being too forthright. It's one of those things I can't help noticing, I'm afraid - maybe to do with the society we live in ... I dunno.

Anyway - I do think the OP is a being a bit unreasonable. It's not peoples' intentions to make you feel like you were a beached manatee before weight loss. I think they're being kind, and that's what you should focus on.

100% with Pagwatch on this one.

You sound so smug to be "offended" by being paid compliments for something you did out of choice to look better.

Huffwardly, like a lot of others I understand why you don't like the comments, especially from strangers, but having achieved the same myself and had absolutely no comments am finding it hard to agree with you out of sheer jealousy!!

If it was so easy, wouldn't you have done it ages ago? (Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh ) Don't you think they are just saying well done on setting a goal and achieving it?

I would luurrrve it, i have to say, still carrying baby weight 10 months on, and cant really 'get' why you dont like it. The only time ive ever not liked it is when i had hyperemesis. You better not lose any more weight now, people will comment even more

at least people arent saying the things they say to me which really hurts such as "are you sure youre not pregnant again because youre so fat!" (said by dp's aunt upon first meeting - 6 weeks after having a baby!), or "you havent lost much weight have you, youre still a bit fat!" (said by work colleague on visiting said place at 10 weeks).

Take it on the chin and smile,these people obviously arent your friends as youve said so smile and grit your teeth and walk out of thier lives again!

I thought, "You look well" means "You've got fat". That's always how I've heard it.

I empathise with everyone bon this thread! Part of me thinks that people are just trying to be nice so get over yourself. But then... ages ago I went on a big diet and ended up losing 3 stone. Halfway through my diet, a friend was over and clapped her hands in delight, saying to my DS, Mummy's losing weight!"

She is lovely so was honestly only trying to be sweet and supportive... But it felt like a kick in the teeth, and made me want to shove loads of chocolate Hob Nobs in my mouth just to shut her up.

So, in summary, I dunno.

YABU and YANBU at the same time.

YABU because they're trying to be nice, you have lost weight and (sorry) probably do look better for it. Also if you were trying to lose weight then you may feel/look more confident and that really does show, possibly in the way you dress (to show off your new slim line figure?!) and consequently people notice.

YANBU because it's your weight and your feelings about it.

It's totally a cultural thing. In France it's very 'done' to comment on people putting on/losing weight. My DP said to his sister "oooh you're looking a bit chubby - are you doing okay?" and she agreed she'd put on weight, said she'd been stressed and not eating properly/not exercising and no she wasn't really okay. No offence meant, none taken. DP's sister is normally a very healthy weight-for something to change means that something is probably wrong. A few months later she'd lost weight and looked great so we complimented her and she said she hadn't really tried, it was just down to a better lifestyle but thanks for noticing. My (almost)MIL told me last time I saw them that I was looking far too skinny and asked if I'd been ill - actually I had been and had lost around half a stone which for me is quite a lot. Everyone else around me acted like I'd meant to lose the weight which was a tad annoying to say the least and then didn't quite know what to say when I went and put it back on again on purpose.

I think what's depressing is the way it's only okay to mention someone losing weight and not bring up putting on weight as a matter for concern. If you're going to comment on someone's appearance then it should be do-able both ways and if you're not close enough to mention that they've got a bit more porky lately then you shouldn't be directly saying that they've slimmed down.

Generic compliments are a whole different ball-game - I find it hard to believe that people can get offended by "you look well", "you look really healthy" or "I love your new haircut/jeans/manicure - you look fantastic".

Joining this thread v late but FWIW...

I think YANBU at all - though you're absolutely right to respond politely to the 'compliments' because on the whole I think people mean well but bloody hell this obsession with weight gets irritating.

I've always been pretty scrawny but have also lost a fair bit of weight since having DD, not intentionally, in fact I'd like to gain a few pounds but I have a v active lifestyle one way or another and find it genuinely hard to put on weight. I've lost count of the number of people who've come up to me and said 'dear me, you're sooo skinny, are you alright? Do you eat enough?'. (I love to imagine the reverse of that conversation, the one where I go up to someone I hardly know who has gained a few pounds and ask if she's been eating too many cakes.) One visitor even said to my Mother a couple of weeks ago in a stage whisper "yes, she almost looks anorexic" in front of a whole group of people. I was absolutely mortified and made to feel like a complete freak.

I find it completely unacceptable that people thing it's ok to make very personal comments about the physical appearance of others. I accept that some of them may be genuinely concerned but often it's a lot to do with their own issues i.e. the extent to which you focus on other people's weight tends to be linked to the importance it carries in your own life.

Only read the OP but I totally see what you mean and think YANBU at all, although I do also think that the people saying it are trying to be nice and you probably shouldn't be pissed off with them.

I never know whether I am supposed to say it or not to people who have clearly lost weight; it seems like a very personal and rather intrusive comment, but then I have witnessed other exchanges where one person has complimented another on losing weight and the recipient has seemed pleased. So I've tried it out a couple of times but I really didn't feel happy paying this kind of compliment... I'd rather just tell someone that they look good, without any reference to weight or if they USED to look worse..., if that makes sense...

I think it is a very weird attititude! If friends don't mention it I tell them-I am really proud of it!!

OP: TESTIFY!

I agree with the op. I have lost 2 1/2 stone, and am really pleased with myself - I feel healthier, less tired and my clothes fit better. I'll happily accept compliments such as 'you look great' , but I don't really want to get into discussions with people about how much I have lost, how I have done it.

Many years ago, I used to have 'friends' who were completely weight obsessed, and although I was quite happy with my weight, they would ask if I had lost weight when I hadn't, didn't need to, and didn't want to. I always thought the subtext was to try to make me feel insecure.

I think what I object to is being defined by my weight.

I have only read the OP, but does it help that 90% of MN are in awe of your spice cupboard?