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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think the pregnant woman on the train tutting at not being offered a seat was Being unreasonable?

319 replies

pinkyporker · 11/06/2009 09:55

I will probably get jumped on here but having been a commuting pregnant lady on 3 occasions I am well aware of the discomfort standing on tube journeys can do.

However it really riled me the other day when a pregnant lady huffed and puffed and made loud comments on the train because she had not been offered a seat. Now I was standing but had I been sitting i wouldn't of offered a seat to her after her comments.

If she was 38 weeks pregnant as she so loudly claimed, then surely to is her career choice to work so late into pregnancy and she should consider the journey when making this decision.

Personally if I was that desperate and I have been I would just politely ask someone if they minded giving up their seat but I dont just expect it. There are many people who have problems standing where it is not obvious.

There was also a woman on my local paper complaining of the same.

Just wondered what other people thought. Should pregnant women expect a seat on public transport?

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 11/06/2009 11:32

How do you know she was going to work anyway?

orangina · 11/06/2009 11:33

I once asked a teenage boy if I could sit down in his seat. He looked flabbergasted but hopped up quite happily (am guessing he didn't fancy the option of me sitting on him and squashing him flat if he didn't get up....)

bunnymother · 11/06/2009 11:34

YABU. Pregnant women should expect to be given a seat. This goes beyond common courtesy - part of the "contract" that we all enter into when we get on public transport is that seats be made available to those who are not "able bodied" (ie pregnant, holding a child, elderly or physically disabled). That is why there are "reserved" seats and signs. Such able bodied people should look around and give their seat up to those who are not. If they do not, they are both rude and in the wrong. If you are able bodied and want to be guaranteed of having a seat to yourself, pay for private transport.

However, best solution if you need a seat and are not offered one, is just to politely ask for it. I have done this several times during my pregnancy as otherwise I may not get one, regardless of how rude or wrong this is. I would rather sit down than be right.

I won't touch the OP's comment as to the pregnant lady's "choice" to work late in her pregnancy w a barge pole. These assumptions are rarely helpful.

Phew, rant over!!!

igglepigglegotobed · 11/06/2009 11:35

LOL How spineless most of you are taking the "moral highground" with OP

I defy anyone to tell me that they have NEVER, after a long hard day at work, ignored the pregnant or elderly person on the train because they were too tired to give up their seat.

I have.

LovelyTinOfSpam · 11/06/2009 11:38

Of course not igglepiggle.

Bloody hell.

Stigaloid · 11/06/2009 11:38

Igglepiggle - that is disgraceful.. I can tell you hand on heart that i have always looked for pregnant/elderly people before taking a seat and have ALWAYS offered my seat. I work in an office. I sit for the majority of my day - a train journey standing won't do me any harm if i am able bodied.

Stayingsunnygirl · 11/06/2009 11:40

She wasn't just ranting at the person in the seat set aside for those who need it, bunnymother - but at the whole carriage, and people (even in the priority seat) might have had their attention distracted for a second or two at the crucial moment, and mightn't have deserved being tutted at.

Stayingsunnygirl · 11/06/2009 11:41

And igglepiggle - as far as I am aware, I have never let a pregnant woman stand when I could have offered her my seat. Speak for yourself, not me, please.

rubyslippers · 11/06/2009 11:41

iggle - even though i am pregnant at the mo, I have given my seat up to someone else

i wouldn't hesitate, even when i was commuting each day to give my seat up to someone who looked like they needed it more than me

i can't bear watching older/frail people desperately clinging on to a rail and getting jostled

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 11/06/2009 11:41

I'd be ashamed to sit if a pregnant/elderly/disabled person was standing. Jeez - you ignore them igglepiggle? How unpleasant of you.

rubyslippers · 11/06/2009 11:42

iggle - even though i am pregnant at the mo, I have given my seat up to someone else

i wouldn't hesitate, even when i was commuting each day to give my seat up to someone who looked like they needed it more than me

i can't bear watching older/frail people desperately clinging on to a rail and getting jostled

lal123 · 11/06/2009 11:42

I think its ridiculous to say that a heavily pregnant woman is only entitled to a seat if she askd for one. So, she's entitled, but only if she asks nicely? Oh and only if she asks the right person?

I'd have tutted and humphed too.

daft thread

melrose · 11/06/2009 11:44

I am flabbergasted that people would not give up their seat! I have been on the tube (standing) when a pregnant woman fainted due to being made to stand. Have to say when I was pg I was frequently offered a seat, but never by londoners!!

VelvetCushions · 11/06/2009 11:45

I have always offered my seat to a pregnant or elderly person. I've also offered to blind people and anyone on crutches. I have to say that I've hardly every seen people offer their seats.
Maybe I notice people more as I do enjoy just people watching on the tube. My journey is 25 minutes and I can stand quite comfortably for that time.

When I was pregnant, the only people that offered me seats were teenagers and workmen.

LovelyTinOfSpam · 11/06/2009 11:45

I have given up my seat when pg too ruby

Was pretty far gone but she had a "baby on board" badge and I for one felt pretty bad in the early days.

Needless to say I had to then stand for the rest of the journey.

Stayingsunnygirl · 11/06/2009 11:46

I'm certainly not saying that, lal. The lady allowed little or no time for people to glance up from their paper or whatever and actually see she needed a seat.

She got on and immediately took umbrage that no-one had seen she needed a seat (and it's perfectly understandable that people might have been engrossed in a book/paper etc and therefore didn't notice her in the seconds before she started to humph.

If I am sitting on the tube, reading, I don't always look at every person who gets on - but when I do notice someone needs a seat, I offer mine.

kitstwins · 11/06/2009 11:47

Quite an extreme reaction of the pregnant woman to get on a train and immediately start huffing about not being given a seat. This makes me think that it's probably the billionth time she's got on a tube during her pregancy and not been offered one - hence the rather instantaneous irritation on her part.

I think she has every right to be irritated. I don't doubt she gets on a tube every day and has to stand in packed carriages whilst people bury their noses in their newspapers and try not to catch her eye? I suppose the mean-spirited would argue that it's her fault for having a baby and she shouldn't work to 38 weeks but for FCK'S sake, where's the empathy in that? The one thing we all have in common is that we've all lain in our mother's belly. We're all offspring who've caused discomfort towards the end of a pregnancy. To that extent we should stand up and offer seats. If you're not sure, stand up anyway. It's better for your ase if you're able bodied and given the state of tube seats it's probably healthier all round to stand.

Some people are just churlish. Which doesn't surprise me at all as the world is full of the selfish and sanctimonious. It does disappoint me though. Empathise, people. If you can't make the quantam leap and imagine yourself in their shoes, try really hard and see how you'd feel if that was your daughter being made to stand at 38 weeks pregnant whilst everyone sat and pretended not to see her. I'd guess you'd join in with her 'huffing' then.

OP, you could have stood up and said in a really nice voice "I'm so sorry, I didn't see you standing there. I well remember what it's like at that stage. Have my seat" It would probably restore her faith in humanity a bit, and maybe make her less inclined to 'huff' next time she gets on a tube. Try it next time - you all might end up happier.

rubyslippers · 11/06/2009 11:48

ah lovelytin - i had a baby on board badge too

those early morning commutes, praying i wouldn't be sick - the joys!

mayorquimby · 11/06/2009 11:48

i agree with you regards the woman making a mini-drama about not being offered a seat. as someone who offers my seat to any woman on public transport that would have been a guarenteed way to make me not offered.

i'm not going to get preachy on the work thing. others have pointed out why you were wrong and it's irrelevant to wether or not she should be given a seat on public transport

Stayingsunnygirl · 11/06/2009 11:50

Kitswins - I think that the OP said that she was standing already when the woman got on (but that the huffing would have ensured that she didn't offer her seat, had she been seated).

MrsMerryHenry · 11/06/2009 11:51

YABU to think she had no right to be annoyed. And what utter nonsense that it's her choice to go to work when pregnant. You sound as though you didn't give that much thought before posting.

What if she'd had her leg in plaster - would it be acceptable for people to leave her standing? .

However, YANBU to think she should have been assertive, instead of passive aggressively tutting. It's an indictment on our society that people cling to their seats rather than offering them to people who obviously need them more. However, since this is the world we live in, she should have just asked someone for their seat - I've done this before, when carrying DS in a sling.

LovelyTinOfSpam · 11/06/2009 11:54

I read a letter from a mother in the metro once who wrote in to thank all the people on the train her heavily pg daughter used every day.

The daughter had been standing (obviously) and had passed out and had come around to find herself in the door of the train in the depot. Everyone on the carrige had stepped over her and ignored her, and just left her lying there.

Really sad and that woman and her mother will have had their faith in human nature ruined, as mine was when travelling daily on the tube when pg. A high price to pay for trying to get to work in one piece.

And I'm not at all impressed with your attitude mayorquimby - if a person less able to stand than you looks pissed off that they have to stand, you deliberatly won't give them a seat to teach them a lesson? i wonder if you were one of the lovely people on the carriage in my story at the beginning of this post.

Walkingwiththighosaurs · 11/06/2009 11:54

Think it is out of order not to offer a seat to a pregnant lady.

LOL at scared who mentioned that there is a "Pregnant Person" seat on tubes. "Person" not woman then!? Were they trying to be PC in case a pregnant man got on board!! How odd.

LovelyTinOfSpam · 11/06/2009 11:56

What if it's your personality merry? Should all women without assertive personalities have to stand?

People should offer.

dollius · 11/06/2009 12:00

"I defy anyone to tell me that they have NEVER, after a long hard day at work, ignored the pregnant or elderly person on the train because they were too tired to give up their seat.

I have."

Good grief. I have never done this - always give up my seat if I see someone who needs it more than me. And I will make very sure my boys learn to do the same.