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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think the pregnant woman on the train tutting at not being offered a seat was Being unreasonable?

319 replies

pinkyporker · 11/06/2009 09:55

I will probably get jumped on here but having been a commuting pregnant lady on 3 occasions I am well aware of the discomfort standing on tube journeys can do.

However it really riled me the other day when a pregnant lady huffed and puffed and made loud comments on the train because she had not been offered a seat. Now I was standing but had I been sitting i wouldn't of offered a seat to her after her comments.

If she was 38 weeks pregnant as she so loudly claimed, then surely to is her career choice to work so late into pregnancy and she should consider the journey when making this decision.

Personally if I was that desperate and I have been I would just politely ask someone if they minded giving up their seat but I dont just expect it. There are many people who have problems standing where it is not obvious.

There was also a woman on my local paper complaining of the same.

Just wondered what other people thought. Should pregnant women expect a seat on public transport?

OP posts:
Slickbird · 11/06/2009 10:43

(When I say 'others are too head down' I don't just mean men - women too.)

Slickbird · 11/06/2009 10:45

I don't think there is any need for Grammar assassination here. You may disagree with OP but no need to get personal. IMHO.

chaya5738 · 11/06/2009 10:48

Hang on a second, on one hand you are saying that she should have asked nicely (as opposed to tutting in a passive aggressive way) but then on the other hand you are saying that some people are sitting for reasons that aren't physically apparent so you could be asking a disabled person to stand. Seems like this poor woman can't win.

wasabipeanut · 11/06/2009 10:51

I used to politely ask the able bodied occupant of the nearest priority seat to shift and they would nornally do so quite apologetically.

No need for tutting.

The OP's point about working late in pregnancy is a bit much though and I think has been answered in full.

hedgiemum · 11/06/2009 10:52

I'm 32 weeks (look bigger though!) and feel incredibly faint a lot of the time. (very low blood pressure). I have to go to London for the day next week, on the train.
I'm a SAHM but have to go for an essential appointment, but my travel times and clothing would lead people to believe I'm commuting I guess. (Why should that make a difference though?) Yikes, am I going to not be able to get a seat?! Its quite intimidating to ask for one, ime.

I'm going to phone round taxi companies and see how much it would cost... I can't drive because it just doesn't feel safe with how dizzy I'm getting at the moment (though haven't actually passed out at this point...)

TrillianAstra · 11/06/2009 10:52

Huffing and puffing and tutting is a stupid thing to do - she should have found someone with a seat (who looked able to stand) and asked them for a seat.

Original poster
pinkyporker · 11/06/2009 10:54

It's OK. It's my common mistake "would have" - "would of". Ironic for someone with an English degree

When I said choosing...I simply meant that having children is in effect a career choice. And when having them in the first place you have to decide how to fit them in with you career and this includes pregnancy etc. Of course it's anyones right to work to however long they want but, they must understand that in doing this there are factors involved which they must consider like long work days when heavily pregnant and needing the loo a billion times a day whilst having meetings and travel etc. Thats all I meant by choice which is open to all of us when we get pregnant.

OP posts:
KingRolo · 11/06/2009 10:56

She should have asked someone to give their seat up to her instead of making such a fuss. I doubt anyone would have refused. If they had refused then of course she would be justifed in having a go.

Some people get very 'me, me, me' when pregnant, assuming that they are the centre of the universe when in actual fact other people probably hadn't even noticed she was pregnant - I know that happened to me a lot even at 38 weeks, especialy on packed trains and busses where people are busy looking out of the window or reading or whatever.

cory · 11/06/2009 10:56

Did she tell you she was working or how did you know? She might got on that train to see her consultant for all the information you gave us. Not that it matters one way or another, of course. Just thought I'd mention it.

orangina · 11/06/2009 10:58

I absolutely do NOT understand why anyone would not immediately offer their seat to anyone who looked as though they needed it. Unless of course you felt that you needed your seat more than them. I used to commute by bus when I was pregnant, and was hardly EVER offered a seat. I just didn't get it. The only people who ever offered me a seat (and they popped out of their chairs immediately) were young men of middle eastern or south asian origin. I was always so knackered and emotional by the end of a long day working (and yes, I worked to the very end of each pregnancy, anyone care to judge me for that?), I couldn't even bring myself to ask anyone to give me their seat, as I knew I would just burst into tears and become blubby and snotty .

It seems that most people are just too busy thinking only about themselves, they have stopped considering anyone else or their needs.

(ranty rant rant rant over)

Ok, tutting is a bit annoying. But who are we to judge?

KerryMumbles · 11/06/2009 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

orangina · 11/06/2009 11:02

I was tempted to just plonk myself on someone's lap...

loobylu3 · 11/06/2009 11:03

Of course she should be offered (and expect to be offered) a seat. Infact, there are notices on the tube requesting people to give up their seat at the end of the carriage for pregnant women, disabled, etc.
I have been in this situation too and although I didn't make comments, I definitely felt pissed off!!

donna82 · 11/06/2009 11:06

I think what Pinkyporker is trying to say is that it was the way she went about "asking" for a seat, people are very selfish and spiteful these days its an auto defense mechanism to react the same way someone is acting...if you walk down the street and someone smiles you smile back...if you get on the tube and someone is tutting and huffing and puffing you mirror their mood and prod think 'why should I'

donna82 · 11/06/2009 11:08

In this day and age most people don't give a flying f**k about courtesy or the needs of others...this is sadly the world we live in and yes it is very wrong....

saadia · 11/06/2009 11:08

I have been shocked so many times by people not giving up seats to elderly/pregnant people and I suffered myself when haevily pregnant and travelling by tube. Those priority seats are for people who find it difficult to stand. They shouldn't have to ask for them.

Morloth · 11/06/2009 11:13

YABVU, people should get off their arses for anyone who needs the seat more, no questions, no taking attitude into account.

Just get up, it isn't about them it is about you and knowing that you are a decent person.

studentkatie · 11/06/2009 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

velvetcushions · 11/06/2009 11:13

I think its disgusting that no one offered her a seat. I agree with everyone who says that its common courtesy.
Its not a big deal for an able bodied person to stand for a train journey. People don't seem to have any feelings of empathy any more and harp on about how its her own decision to get pregnant so she should have to deal with everything she deserves.
Its ridiculous.
We HAVE to have children in society unless we just want to die out in misery and poverty, ffs.

JenniPenni · 11/06/2009 11:21

I dont think whether she is working or not/the fact it's a career choice/that she dyes her hair blue... should be debated... the fact is she is pregnant and should be offered a seat. Period.

As someone who worked in Central London for 4 years and commuted every day I was often agasp at the rudeness and total lack of empathy for fellow human beings shown. I was always the first up when a pregnant woman came in... the one time I actually was on a crutch as had twisted my ankle, and still got up as no-one else even bothered... and they HAD seen her. No-one got up for me and I asked someone to get up for me, which they did.

hedgiemum do commute, just know you will probably have to ask... when you walk on, look where the pregnant/elderly sign is and go straight there and ask that person for the seat. It's not only manners, in this case it's the rules.

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 11/06/2009 11:23

Haven't read the whole thread, but yes, of course pregnant women should be offered a seat as should anyone elderly or infirm. Surely, only someone bereft of common decency and good manners would think otherwise.

Stayingsunnygirl · 11/06/2009 11:28

She didn't give anyone a chance to notice that she was heavily pregnant - according to the OP she started tutting and huffing almost immediately. Now unless everyone in the carriage was scrutinising each new arrival, it is understandable that some of them might not have noticed her condition and need for a seat in the little time allowed them!

And if she'd asked politely then a) someone who hadn't noticed her get on might have offered her a seat and b) she wouldn't have put people's backs up and, human nature unfortunately being what it is, lessened her chances of being offered a seat.

LovelyTinOfSpam · 11/06/2009 11:29

Bloody hell.

Of course pg women should be offered a seat on the tube.

Of course in practice they often/usually aren't.

Not everyone has the confidence to approach an individual and specifically ask them to stand up. I certainly didn't. I would just stand and look around hopefully.

Then when I started to feel ill I'd simply sit on the floor in a corner and hope no-one stood on me.

Maybe OPs pg woman should have known her place in society better and sat on the floor and be trampled as per my example. Better all round eh.

Stayingsunnygirl · 11/06/2009 11:29

And slickbird - fwiw, I wasn't the first person to point out the would of/would have thing. And I correct my children's grammar if they get it wrong, so that they can learn for the future. So shoot me.

LovelyTinOfSpam · 11/06/2009 11:31

If you ask someone for a seat, you might accidentally pick the wrong person, they might be pg themselves and not showing, or disabled, or horrible, or anything.

No way would I ever ask.