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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that ds1 & ds2 invited to SILs wedding but not dd?

629 replies

macherie · 31/05/2009 20:43

Sorry, I know the no children at weddings thing has been done to death, but I'm really upset about this.

I have no siblings, only a few cousins, so family weddings are a VERY rare occurance on my side. Dh has 3 siblings, 2 married years, so SILs wedding has been a big event on the horizon, lots of talk of dresses etc.

I see SIL every day as our DC go to the same school, and she never gave any indication that was intending to do this.

The invitation arrived 2 weeks ago, inviting me, dh, ds1(11) & ds2(9). No mention of dd who is 5. I called dh and we decided it must be a mistake, he said he would talk to her about it, which he did today, and no dd cannot go, they decided no under 6s were allowed.

Of course, it is her wedding and she gets to decide, blah, blah, blah.

DD will be so hurt if we tell her the truth, as will her brothers. What am I to do - get the 4 of us all dressed up and leave her at home with a babysitter?

I am inclined to book us all a holiday for that week just to avoid the hassle.

OP posts:
PlumBumMum · 31/05/2009 23:16

Maybe shes trying to avoid inviting one of the other children and this has been a stupid way to go about it

My best friend got married just over a year ago, and my dcs were very excited,my ds is her godson,
they love her to bits but they weren't invited I asked if she would mind if they went to the chapel,
and she said actually she would like them to do the offertary, the grooms niece was same age as ds and she was very disruptive,

I had people coming over to me all night congratulating me on how well behaved my children were, dd2 was just 1, and my best friend bought them presents for being so good, but I did enjoy going to the reception dc free

MollieO · 31/05/2009 23:18

I know what you can get as a wedding present. A lovely photo frame which includes a picture of your 3 children with dd wearing her beautiful new dress .

I find it unbelievable that your SIL gate crashed your wedding with her baby(when she was invited to the reception too) and won't invite your 5 yr old. It makes no sense. Is she jealous of you and your dd? Or does she have other friends with nightmare 5 yr olds? Even if she did they could be excluded and your dd included on the basis of children of family only (another ridiculous wedding 'rule' I've seen).

If things stay unresolved I would also be less helpful on the childcare front in future. She may be your SIL but she doesn't sound as if she is a friend.

LobstersLass · 31/05/2009 23:22

Agree with Womma. All or nothing.

If your dh goes without you and the children it will look as if you've fallen out over this.

Greensleeves · 31/05/2009 23:24

Honestly, who the fuck do these people think they are?

I loathe this popular notion that getting married gives you a pass to be rude, selfish and generally fucking cavalier with other people's feelings, carving up families and pissing people about.

Don't go to their daft wedding and buy yourself a nice new hat anyway.

ShinyPinkShoes · 31/05/2009 23:25

Under 6's sounds like an odd age limit to me.
I wonder how she came up with that.

MollieO · 31/05/2009 23:28

I agree with womma on the view that will be formed if your dh does go alone. I also think that an under 6 age limit is designed to exclude a specific child or children.

KingCanuteIAm · 31/05/2009 23:33

Her Wedding, Her Choice

Book the holiday, have fun, don't let her choice cross your mind

ChippingIn · 31/05/2009 23:34

Well, I would to talk to her about it. I wouldn't be able to 'get over it' if I saw her as often as you do (and do so much for her). I would ask her myself why she hasn't invited her niece - we are not talking about random children under or over 6, we are talking about her niece - I'd have to ask her how she though inviting the boys but not your DD would be OK. Ask her if she has even thought about how heartbroken your DD would be to be left out of the wedding? ... really talk to her about it. If she stands firm, then I would tell her to her face that if DD is not invited, then the whole family will be declining the invitation. I would expect my DH to stand behind me on this one too.

Quattrocento · 31/05/2009 23:38

Rude

ChippingIn · 31/05/2009 23:40

Also...

I like children at weddings, so whilst I don't understand people not wanting them there, I am totally supportive of it being their choice. If your BIL & SIL had decided no children, I can see that yours would all be upset, but that's life... however, totally bad form to invite only 2 out of 3. Very, very hurtful.

AtheneNoctua · 31/05/2009 23:49

I'd have DD give a nice bright shiny "Crappy Aunt of the year" plaque for the wedding present.

cat64 · 31/05/2009 23:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
macherie · 01/06/2009 08:43

Urgh, was still awake at 1am with all this whirling about in my head

I won't have a chance to speak to dh til later. Since the invitation arrived we both assumed it was a mistake, so we didn't discuss what we would do, but I agree, if he does go alone, I will be seen as the troublemaker. On the other hand I think he would be very upset to miss his sisters wedding as they get on well.

Only on Sat he and dd called over to visit her while I was buying the boys shoes. Dd was all happy when she came home, now I feel that we have let her down over the last few weeks, giving SIL the impression that her behaviour was acceptable and we don't care about how hurtful it is to dd.

Tbh, there has always been a huge difference in attitude to parenting between dh and I and his two sisters. They each have only one child who they are happy to offload on whoever happens to be around, often me. SILs friends would have a similar attitude - dc are fine as long as they don't affect your social life .

Why do people do things like this - I just want a quite, happy life with none of this hassle. While I would love to confront her and tell her how hurtful this all is, I know I would get emotional about it, so I'm tempted to just be very businesslike 'Hope you have a lovely day, shame none of us will be there to see it'

If she changed her mind and invited dd I suppose we'd have to go, but I can't imagine I'd enjoy it very much.

Thankfully, we have half term this week, so at least I won't have to meet her at the school gates for a few days - and I'll be too busy to mind her dd for the forseeable future.

OP posts:
NormaSknockers · 01/06/2009 09:15

Apologies as I haven't read the entire thread....

YANBU - very rude to not invite DD when they're inviting your DS.

nappyaddict · 01/06/2009 10:03

cat64 no interrogation i was just wondering.

Stayingsunnygirl · 01/06/2009 10:04

I agree with ChippingIn, that you should have a very frank chat with your SIL and make it clear how upset your dd is going to be at being excluded, especially as her brothers are going to the wedding.

And then I'd ask her if she'd like to explain to your dd why she's not welcome when all the rest of her family is, and if she'd like to console your dd, wipe her tears away and help her hang up the lovely dress she won't be wearing to SIL's wedding.

If she can face a heartbroken 6 year old girl, then she's a total cow and I'd say none of you should go to the wedding.

womma · 01/06/2009 10:06

I'd like to smack the back of your SIL's legs, she's a naughty, silly girl!
If you do buy her a wedding present, make sure it's from a pound shop.

saintlydamemrsturnip · 01/06/2009 10:06

oh that happened to my aunt.

One child (or maybe 2?) out of 4 not invited.

Close family wedding.

No-one went.

I think you either all don't go, or your dh goes, or both adults go. You can't take 2 children and not the other.

Monkeyandbooba · 01/06/2009 10:12

You don't think that this is some weird revenge for not inviting her to your wedding? "You didn't invite me and DD so now I won't invite you and your DD"?

Just a thought.

savoycabbage · 01/06/2009 10:15

YANBU. She is rude and a bit of a cow to not invite your dd. It is unbelievable that she would expect you to have to tell a five year old that she can't go to a family wedding. I had a child free wedding but nobody I was close to had children then. I can't imagine inviting two out of three of my brother's children. It's madness.

edam · 01/06/2009 10:18

I wouldn't be rushing to babysit SIL's child any time soon. Do MIL and FIL know she's excluded your dd from the wedding?

hunkermunker · 01/06/2009 10:21

"By macherie on Sun 31-May-09 21:28:28
Pamelat, when dh and I got married, we wanted the ceremony to be just 2 witnesses and our mums (both dads out of the picture), with all family invited to the reception. When SIL heard, she gatecrashed the ceremony with her dd aged 1 year.

We just smiled and made them welcome."

Maybe she'll do the same for you?

DapperDan · 01/06/2009 10:32

She's out of order and if my sister tried that stunt then none of us would be going. We all go or none of us do.

How many DC does she have? if more than one, pick an age betwixt the two+ and say you'll only be providing child care for kiddies older than 'x' - what's good for the goose...

Original poster
macherie · 01/06/2009 10:33

Wow, monkey I hadn't thought of that! She'd be pretty messed up to be carrying that resentment around for the last 10 years!

She was living abroad with her dd at the time, we did invite her and the rest of the family to the reception, but we didn't invite ANYONE to the ceremony, so it's not as if we were pinking and choosing among the relatives as to who was acceptable and who was not. Our wedding was largly determined by budget, after the ceremony we walked back to my mums, had lunch and then had a reception in the afternoon - afternoon tea, in a beautiful hotel drawing room, with an open fire and a jazz pianist. Pretty low key really. I do remember the panic of my mum as we walked home for lunch, she had prepared roast beef, and SIL is a vegetarian! One of the witnesses had to be sent off to a local deli!

SIL, who is marrying well, IYKWIM, is having a no expense spared do, so a very different set up.

Stayingsunny, I'd love to have that conversation, maybe in a few days when the hurt on dd's behalf has subsided I might be able to do it.

It will be interesting to hear from dh what MIL has to say about it all. She really doesn't like children very much, but I think this may be a step too far even for her!

OP posts:
Original poster
macherie · 01/06/2009 10:34

Hunkermunker, I don't have the nerve to do it - or do I?

OP posts: