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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that ds1 & ds2 invited to SILs wedding but not dd?

629 replies

macherie · 31/05/2009 20:43

Sorry, I know the no children at weddings thing has been done to death, but I'm really upset about this.

I have no siblings, only a few cousins, so family weddings are a VERY rare occurance on my side. Dh has 3 siblings, 2 married years, so SILs wedding has been a big event on the horizon, lots of talk of dresses etc.

I see SIL every day as our DC go to the same school, and she never gave any indication that was intending to do this.

The invitation arrived 2 weeks ago, inviting me, dh, ds1(11) & ds2(9). No mention of dd who is 5. I called dh and we decided it must be a mistake, he said he would talk to her about it, which he did today, and no dd cannot go, they decided no under 6s were allowed.

Of course, it is her wedding and she gets to decide, blah, blah, blah.

DD will be so hurt if we tell her the truth, as will her brothers. What am I to do - get the 4 of us all dressed up and leave her at home with a babysitter?

I am inclined to book us all a holiday for that week just to avoid the hassle.

OP posts:
cat64 · 31/05/2009 22:19

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Thunderduck · 31/05/2009 22:20

What sort of special needs are you speaking of Paolosgirl if I may ask?

Original poster
macherie · 31/05/2009 22:21

Cargirl, I wondered that too when she announced the wedding.

It's not like dd is difficult, or whiny, or whatever. She is such a sweet little girl, so excited at the idea of dressing up and being with her extended family

OP posts:
sleepyeyes · 31/05/2009 22:23

YANBU thats a horrid thing to do! Your DD is old enough to understand she has been excluded.
On principle I wouldn't go or send a gift.

CarGirl · 31/05/2009 22:23

MIL did not want her Dad at our wedding because she wanted to enjoy her day (she was find life hard at the time and had 2 elderly relatives to help look after as well as heaps of other stuff). TBH he was very confused most of the time and he wouldn't have enjoyed it, and I'm not sure he would have realised who dh was . I felt it was her choice to make as she would have had to arrange all the transport and taking care of him for the day.

Paolosgirl · 31/05/2009 22:23

I'm desperately trying to remember the name of the syndrome, Thunderduck....I have been told, but it escapes me, sorry.

Thunderduck · 31/05/2009 22:27

No problem. I just wondered if you were referring to a specific group of special needs, visual,mental, physical etc.

I myself have an invisible special need, and this big,family filled wedding I'm having is going to cause me some problems because of it.

I don't know any adults with severe SN of that nature but I'd invite them anyway if I did. But I'm afraid your FIL is off the list for good.

pinkteddy · 31/05/2009 22:28

I can't believe she could have written out the invitation and not been thinking she would hurt your feelings. Anyone would be upset. You can't possibly invite some children from a family and not others to a wedding or any celebration, its all or nothing IMO.

Paolosgirl · 31/05/2009 22:29

Thunderduck - FIL died at the end of last year after 18 years of Parkinsons, 3 years of cancer and about a year of dementia, so it's pretty safe to say he's off every list from here on in. Shame though - he was a lovely man.

Thunderduck · 31/05/2009 22:31

I'm sorry Paolosgirl. Didn't mean to upset you.

2rebecca · 31/05/2009 22:31

Generally I feel the people having the wedding decide who they want to invite, but inviting some kids in a family and not others is madness. Different if they decide no babies as babies won't know what they're missing, although the practicalities of leaving a baby can be more trouble than the wedding's worth. If it was me I really wouldn't go. Yes she is free to not invite your daughter but you are free to then not go. I think it's sad and silly she doesn't see how unreasonable she is being.
I wouldn't take it too personally though, people getting married have bizarre fantasies about an ideal day and it won't be anything to do with her feelings for your family. Just wish her well and decline the invite.

sleepyeyes · 31/05/2009 22:32

Just read the bit about her gate crashing your wedding with her DD. What a cheek.
Is she getting married in a church?
If so I'd turn up with your DD.

Original poster
macherie · 31/05/2009 22:34

That's it exactly pinkteddy, I can't believe she wouldn't know how hurt we would be.

I bend over backwards to help her out.

Just shows you, you never really know people do you?

She has been so nice and chatty, etc in the last few weeks between the invitation arriving and dh talking to her. I am so niave, I was sure it was a mistake.

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herbietea · 31/05/2009 22:34

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womma · 31/05/2009 22:36

She's not changed her mind since your DH spoke to her then?

Thunderduck · 31/05/2009 22:37

Sounds like she's gone a bit bonkers. Hopefully once the wedding is over normal service will resume.

piscesmoon · 31/05/2009 22:38

I think it is very unfair-especially as 5 yr old girls are likely to get excited about a wedding-I would tell her that you can't go-either that or you leave all the DCs and just go with DH.

LobstersLass · 31/05/2009 22:40

Under 6? That's a very odd age to choose.
I think she's done it deliberately and that she is being very cruel.

I would get my husband to explain to her that either all of you go, or none of you go.

She sounds like she's lost the plot a bit.
How can you invite 2 of your brother's children and leave one out?! Barking!

forehead · 31/05/2009 22:42

Does she expect your dd to look after herself on the day of the wedding.?
I had my wedding reception in a hotel and because of this i didn't want to invite many children. I do however have a large extended family and believed that it would be unfair to invite some but not others ,which could have caused problems in the future. So i decided to book a another room for the children and provided childcare and entertainment. I know this is not an option for everyone, but it was the only thing that i could do to prevent arguments within the family.
OP i think that you should go to the wedding with your dh but keep all the children at home. If you don't go to the wedding there will be bad feeling between the two of you and i don't think that a wedding is worth all that hassle. I would however ,tell dd about the wedding and get your sister in law to explain why dd cannot attend the wedding.

nappyaddict · 31/05/2009 22:47

cat64 when you got married did you have children of your own or nieces/nephews? was it completely child free or just no children at the church? did you have breastfeeding infants?

Original poster
macherie · 31/05/2009 22:50

Forehead, you're right about the bad feeling, I have to see her so often, I really don't want bad feeling.

Unfortunately the wedding is on a friday, so my mum, who would normally mind her will be at work, anyone else she would know well enough to stay with won't be available either.

Anyway, at this point, wild horses wouldn't drag me there

OP posts:
Thunderduck · 31/05/2009 22:58

I can't say I blame you.

mamas12 · 31/05/2009 23:09

oh no that is a really thoughtless cruel thing to do. Leave a little girl out like that.
You can't tell her she will be so upset. But I really urge you to tell your sil exactly how you feel. She needs to know, your relationship has now changed for ever.
Well it's All or nothing, any bad feeling has been created by her not you, and I would be telling everyone who asks and showing them the invite.
If she changes her mind now would you go?

womma · 31/05/2009 23:10

Macherie, a word of advice from someone who has had IL trouble over a wedding before...please make sure that you and DH are presenting a united front to his family over this, otherwise they will think it's just you being oversensitive. If you and DCs don't go to the wedding, he mustn't go either. If he goes to the wedding alone it will look like he's not supporting you in your decision.

Rindercella · 31/05/2009 23:16

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