to be upset that ds1 & ds2 invited to SILs wedding but not dd?

[macherie]

Sorry, I know the no children at weddings thing has been done to death, but I'm really upset about this.

I have no siblings, only a few cousins, so family weddings are a VERY rare occurance on my side. Dh has 3 siblings, 2 married years, so SILs wedding has been a big event on the horizon, lots of talk of dresses etc.

I see SIL every day as our DC go to the same school, and she never gave any indication that was intending to do this.

The invitation arrived 2 weeks ago, inviting me, dh, ds1(11) & ds2(9). No mention of dd who is 5. I called dh and we decided it must be a mistake, he said he would talk to her about it, which he did today, and no dd cannot go, they decided no under 6s were allowed.

Of course, it is her wedding and she gets to decide, blah, blah, blah.

DD will be so hurt if we tell her the truth, as will her brothers. What am I to do - get the 4 of us all dressed up and leave her at home with a babysitter?

I am inclined to book us all a holiday for that week just to avoid the hassle.

I would go with all three children. When you get there explain your dd was desperate to see the beautiful bride, and has made a card and present especially for her. If the bride objects the she has a heart made of stone.

I like your style belgo

Maybe I could do an assertiveness training course between now and the wedding

Actually, that's not a bad idea, would probably help me deal with the ILs in a much calmer manner!

I have thought about this a bit and I would simply tell her or send a reply card saying that "We think it wouldnt be fair on DD to attend without her as she had been looking forward to her Aunties wedding, so I am afraid we wont be attending but wish you all the best for a lovely day and a bright future together." I wouldn't mention it again(give her time to think about it) and make sure I did something special on the day.

I would also make a point of being really bubbly and happy whenever she was around so she doesnt think you are brooding/upset. Also if she starts talking about the wedding in the playground just say "oh I be back in a mo need to catch XXXX"

I'm shocked. This is very unkind. I think this "her wedding her choice" stuff is overplayed. A marriage is about making a public commitment to your partner in front of your friends and family. It is about the "community" not just the bride and groom. Obviously they should choose, in general, how the day goes, but they can't do it in complete isolation from their daily life. It's part of that life.

I think your SIL is behaving very badly. I think you should speak to her clearly and calmly and explain to her that you had always assumed DD was invited. As a family you'd talked lots about the wedding and DD was excited. You'd already bought her special dress. When the invitation arrived you thought it was a mistake so didn't say anything. Now you discover it's not a mistake you know how devastated DD will be to be left out and you are not prepared to make her second best to her brothers.

The arbitrary cut off age seems vindictive to me.

Maybe you should say to her that dd has been looking forward to seeing her aunty in her dress so much, would it be okay for dd to go to the chapel otherwise you will miss the whole thing as you have no babysitter for dd.
Tell her dh will bring the boys for the meal and then they will come home, apologise and say you will have to miss the reception as it is not fair on dd to be the only one to miss out

The only reason for the apology is so she can't say your being bitchy

If that dosen't work you and your dh should miss the chapel cermony go along for the free meal and then return home (I hate wedding guests who do that )

Oh, look, you could do all these passive aggressive things, but that makes you as bad as her.

Just say "Why isn't DD invited to the wedding?" and then the ball's in her court.

Or wait and see what DH says - why haven't you asked him yet?

But Hunkermunker, she would then just say "Because we're not having any under sixes at the wedding." And then she's no further forward!

I quite like PlumBumMum's suggestion.

Or just ask politely 'please may we bring her along, she is desperate to go to your wedding'.

Dh is down at MILs overnight, SIL is also there. DD and I didn't go as she had a vomitting bug on saturday.

Just spoke to him on the phone.

He asked if dd was invited or not, she said no under 6's, he said oh ok. Very assertive eh?

He says he can't miss his sisters wedding. I said ok, but the children and I won't be going and he agreed.

Maybe I should just forget about it and move on!

Shocking behaviour - I feel so for your little dd.
I would be too furious not to say something. Knowing me I would have just asked (in front of other people so nothing secretive) "seriously, you are inviting 2 out of my 3 children and expecting your niece to understand?" and then just stare at her very hard. Mean bitch
I can't belive she has done this when it is only 4 children it will affect - surely just better to invite all and not upset so many people!

wow, that is mean

are the other under 6's in the family a bit of a pain at formal gatherings? Its the only reason I can think of that they have chosen age 6 as a rule. To be fair though, I know a lot of 9 and 11 year olds that are more trouble than 5 year olds LOL - not suggesting your are!

reading your comment about her gatecrashing your wedding shows that she is not the type to really care about what other people think, only what she wants to do at that particular moment - how very very selfish of her.

Cross posted there.
Your dh said "oh, ok" ????!!!!
Unbelieveable - he needs to grow a pair and tell her it is absolutely NOT OK
I am pissed off at your dh now too!

I had just found this great website that loans out designer dresses for weddings and the like. Even started a thread about it on style & beauty

Still I will save a fortune on clothes, hair, etc, which I will use to treat the dc to a day out.

Mrs Weasley, I think your approach is the one I feel most comfortable with. I don't want to give her the satisfaction of begging to let dd come.

Hate bloody weddings anyway.

See? See? I was right!

Do you feel like telling your DH to grow a pair sometimes, Macherie? Can you tell her to her face that he will be attending, but you and the children won't, because it isn't fair that one of them should miss out? Or you all go to the church, get DD in all of the photos looking gorgeous in her dress and then when everyone says see you at the reception, say "Oh we can't come - DD wasn't invited and we didn't think it was fair for her to be the only one to miss out, so we will be celebrating the wedding at home/in nice local restaurant."

Jackstini and I agree. His loyalty should be with you and his daughter not his pain in the arse Bridezilla sister.

What greensleeves said earlier about how some people seem to think that getting married gives them "a pass to be rude, selfish and generally fucking cavalier with other people's feelings, carving up families and pissing people about."
that's how it is, and I hope (but wouldn't be too surprised) that you're not made out to be being the awkward one here.
That may happen, but you are right to not go.

Just say "Sorry DD was too upset when she found out her brothers were going and she wasn't, so to be fair I will have to stay home with them that day and let DH go on his own." Hopefully she'll feel bad about that.

Yeap definitely say sorry we won't be able to make it to the wedding as dd will be left out but would she mind if you brought the dcs to the chapel, as dd is so excited to see her aunty as the bride

She can't stop you really from going to the chapel, even from turning up at the end of the cermony,
when I was doing bridesmaid for a friend my dcs were 3 and turning 1, my parents brought them to the end cermony to see us all dressed up,
and I had got dd a horseshoe to give to my friend, who was also her godmother and got lots of photos taken

Totally agree about dh, but am used to him by now, so not surprised really.

Dh is the sociable one and loves family gatherings, so I knew he'd say that.

Agree, a bit of loyalty to me & dd would be nice, but not going to have a big bust up about it.

Haven't read entire thread so please forgive me if I state what has already been said.

SIL is being extremely unreasonable IMO

I am all for a bride and grooms decision to make their wedding child free as it is their wedding after all, but to invite 2 siblings and not the 3rd is just plain rude, especially close family members!

I would decline the invitation completely. Very rude and ignorant to send an invite like this.

It seems very nasty to me, if she didn't want any young children you would surely ban all pre-schoolers, or even under 5s, not under 6s - it seems the age limit has been specifically implemented as to exclude your DD. Is she the sort of person who would be bothered by another little girl upstaging her own DD? Are there any other under-6s in the family who are going to be excluded?

I'd probably just take her and swear blindly to SIL that your DD is in fact 6, despite all evidence to the contrary!

Fairy nuff. My DH is similar to yours. He was invited to a family friend's wedding when we were engaged - we weren't just engaged, it was actually about two weeks away from our wedding (to which these said friends were invited), and I wasn't invited. He did ask why (after a lot of nagging from me) and was told that they "needed an extra single man as there were a lot of single women but not many single men." He said "Oh OK." The compromise was that he left straight after the meal and didn't stay for the disco.

Actually, what is it about weddings? They should be banned!

It seems so mean. Why no under6's? Why not 7 or 4? Especially mean as you see eachother so much. It seems so pointed. Could you try and have an honest chat with her about how you feel or would that be pointless? I really feel for you. I am so off my in-laws at the moment!

The dress you bought your DD is beautiful!
Can you take her on a special day out so she can wear it and hopefully you can all enjoy a day together?
x

Macherie: I have to say I am shocked at your DH response. I understand fully about him wanting to be at his sisters wedding but his priority should be you and your DCs surely?

You sound lovely. He sounds like a pig! sorry