to be upset that ds1 & ds2 invited to SILs wedding but not dd?

[macherie]

Sorry, I know the no children at weddings thing has been done to death, but I'm really upset about this.

I have no siblings, only a few cousins, so family weddings are a VERY rare occurance on my side. Dh has 3 siblings, 2 married years, so SILs wedding has been a big event on the horizon, lots of talk of dresses etc.

I see SIL every day as our DC go to the same school, and she never gave any indication that was intending to do this.

The invitation arrived 2 weeks ago, inviting me, dh, ds1(11) & ds2(9). No mention of dd who is 5. I called dh and we decided it must be a mistake, he said he would talk to her about it, which he did today, and no dd cannot go, they decided no under 6s were allowed.

Of course, it is her wedding and she gets to decide, blah, blah, blah.

DD will be so hurt if we tell her the truth, as will her brothers. What am I to do - get the 4 of us all dressed up and leave her at home with a babysitter?

I am inclined to book us all a holiday for that week just to avoid the hassle.

Your SIL & DH are unbelievable.

Your DH is very much in denial if he thinks you can just carry on as before, his family have completely snubbed you and his DC and he's condoned it.

I think I'd have told him he was no longer welcome to attend the reception if he valued his marriage!

Just seen this thread...

can't remember now who said it earlier on but for your kids sake do try and hold it together with DH whatever time he comes home and despite him being such a wuss, longer term it's you being together as a family that's important, you wouldn't want your bitch SIL to have the satisfaction of taking credit for ruining your relationship in her warped revenge. DO go for counselling if needed.

Do think it's incredibly sad too that your alcoholic FIL and emotionally-stunted MIL have damaged their kids to such an extent that this whole sorry affair could ever have happened. Your SIL is the one who is going to be unhappy in the long run as she's clearly f*cked up - how's her marriage going to be?

Am from a large family myself, and would definitely have been upset not to have been invited to any of my siblings' ceremonies but would have tried to understand their reasons and not take it out on them and just be happy for them at getting married (you mentioned a) shyness, which I understand, and b) cost as the issues - does it cost anything extra to have someone at a registry office?? Genuinely don't know as we married in church, I just would have thought it didn't so maybe they did too?? Anyway cost is a biggie) however I don't think SIL being upset in anyway whatsoever justifies her taking it out on your poor five year old DD. TEN YEARS later for god's sake!!!!! My brother is getting married in Sept and my nearly five year old DD and niece are just sooo excited. Sooo unfair to ruin that for her.

You are amazing to have been so dignified about it as to actually go to the wedding, and hold it together enough not have a public fit at seeing the other children there (would be so furious at that!!! Definitely underlining the point that is deliberately trying to hurt you/your DD and not just a blanket policy). Moral highground goes to you - well done for not sinking to her level! Don't let her ruin your marriage!

It's not often that I'm lost for words but I am deeply, deeply shocked by this and I don't quite know what to say.

But I do have to disagree with sarrabud - I really think you need to speak to your DH. It's absolutely unspeakable the way his whole family have colluded like this. Your DD is a little girl FFS! I'm utterly furious on her (and your) behalf.

Your DH needs to decide where his allegiances lay IMO ...

What a situation, I'm ashamed to say I would have caused a scene. Your DH does need to get some balls, my dh said he would have walked out.

I'm amused to see so many DHs have been given a summary of this thread!

I'm don't mean to be , but maybe you are getting upset about something that was outide SIL's control?

You say there were five children - two belonging to the bride; one of 9 (an 'allowed' age) and two you think were under 6 (which was the lower age limit)

Do you know for certain that SIL invited these two under-sixes? Perhaps their mother did what many posters here suggested and took them along against the couple's wishes?

Just got everyone to bed. Think the dc had a nce day, they are oblivious to all this. I feel shattered, not a peep from dh, he's obviously too busy having a nice time to think about us.

Appreciate the support here so much.
I actually did read him quite a bit of this thread when it started, lots off comments about him needing to find his balls, etc, and he cheerfully agreed, but still did nothing.

Tomorrow, once he's over his hangover, he'll be all nicey nicey as if nothing ever happened, while I will be seething with rage. Aaargh, he is a very frustrating man to live with.

Motherpi, I suspect you may be right, the grooms sister is a very forthright woman and I suspect she said my children are not going to miss their uncles wedding, and took them anyway.

I really regret not doing the same and then leaving after the ceremony, at least they would have felt involved and she would barely have known they were there. It was just a 20 minute civil ceremony.

un..bloody...beliveable.... am so sorry for your macherie...
All this agonising, concluding with your and your dc missing out only to find other children there
never mind your sil, the whole family should be shocked and throughly ashamed!

I'd be making it really clear to your sil, that she's blown it by the way...
When she comes crawling back after the honeymoon (and she will) Tell her bluntly, how shocked, saddened and disappointed you were to see young children there. Don't be nasty or vindictive (I know you won't) Tell her like it is!

I wouldn't just leave things and let it all be ok tbh. You have to sort it don't you think?

What's going to happen at future events? Your fuckwit H will go alone and you do your own thing if you happen not to be invited?

God it's sooo disrespectful that he would go and condone his families behaviour

Have just said to the ds's (nearly 18 and 14) and DH and they were horrified and just didn't get it.

There is no excuse and they shold be ashamed of themselves.

NO BABYSITTING for sil ever ever again and i would distance myself. How could you socalise with that lot after what they did to you and the dc's?

I don't know how we will carry on in the future, I can't quite see us all around the dinner table on Christmas Day.

The dc love going to MILs as she has a huge garden with woods and a stream, every childs dream. How do I stop them going there without explaining it all to them?

Certainly there will be no more smiling at the schoolgates. I feel really furious with SIL.

I feel very sorry for her dd though. I knew she had one rubbish parent (her dad), but really what kind of mother behaves like that to her own neices and nephews. How do I allow my dc to still paly with their cousin when I never what to lay eyes on SIL?

Why did all this have to happen, it could all have been so easily avoided

Reading this to my MN friend. We're so so cross for you. Feel like crying on your behalf and really really hope you and DH can get past this.

Macherie, have just caught up with this thread. I can't believe your SIL's behaviour! I also understand the frustration of a dh who won't/can't stand up to his family. My dh is a lovely man. However, he is in a family business with his dad and brother and despite there having been huge unfairnesses within the business at times, he can't/won't stand up for himself even if it means that we (him, me, the three dc) suffer as a result. It's so frustrating.

Hope family relations don't become too complicated for you. Good luck.

Macherie you are a queen amongst women and deserve much praise.

As for the other children at the wedding, I imagine the groom was as spineless as your DH and couldn't bring himself to tell his own sister that her children couldn't come.

I think you need to sit DH down and ell him how upset you are but for goodness sake don't let this evil wench do any more damage.

Wow, macherie. I remember this thread and how I was at your SIL. I think it resonated because my DCs are same as yours - 2 DSs and their little sis. Would have hit us in the same way. You are a lovely mum and your DCs are absolutely the winners in this.

Sorry- message to Mr Macherie here

How can you possibly consider keeping your sister and mother happy to be more important than the dignity of your child and wishes of your wife?

There is so much more I could rant at but really would love to know why he feels that this is okay? My husband is appalled. It shows a complete lack of honor and dignity in his eyes and he is NEVER one to cause a scene that is usually me.

I can't believe your (D)H has effectively condoned her nastiness towards your DD by attending the wedding at all, let alone staying after you left! What a pathetic excuse for husband and father. If my Dh did this, he would know not to bother coming home again, because he has sent a very clear message about who is his priority. And it isn't his wife or daughter.

That is a little harsh, as it sounds like her DH is trying to keep the peace. He still has to try to get on with his family, or put up with years of grief. Of course I don't agree with what he is doing (and I'd kill mine if he tried anything similar), but he is not the villain of the piece.

Morning macherie hope you are ok this morning and that you can begin to sort things out with your H.

I don't think i'd end my marriage over this but only on the condition that nothing like this ever happens again. Your H has to learn to put you and your dc first imo.

I don't think your sil did this to hurt your dd at all,i think she did it to get at you. Imagine all that festering away for years?? I would not forgive and forget after such an event,you are obviously much nicer than me tho lol. Honestly tho if you allow this to be glossed over they will continue to treat you like shit.

I also wouldn't allow H to take them to family events or to grannys alone. I would go and remain civil. I used to have to visit my GP's with my dad and there was a lot of bitching about my mum which was awful and
It doesn't sound like H would stand up for you either sadly.

Words fail me

What a nasty and spiteful SIL you have the misfortune to have. It must have hurt you so much to see the other children there especially when you saw their ages. I am shocked at your Hs behaviour over this, I think in time he will come to realise he has made a mistake here.

Good morning, or not so good for dh who crawled home at 3am and woke me up throwing up in the bathroom! He's feeling pretty sorry for himself now but not getting a lot of sympathy from me.

As I predicted he's being SO NICE to me it's making me feel a bit queesy! I'm not in the mood for a big conversation right now, but I told him he has definately won first prize in the worlds crappiest husdand and father competition, but I'm sure that being such a fabulous brother to SIL will more than make up for that.

Oh look here he is now, coming for a lie down. Well he'd better get himself together quickly, he's taking the dc to the park RIGHT NOW.

aGal, one of the main reasons I put up with dh and his spinlessness over the years is because I know if we do split up, he will bring the children to MILs all the time, and I can't bear the thought of them, particularly dd as she is only 5, being there without me to 'protect' her.

God, that's a pretty sad reason to stay married isn't it?

Oh macherie

Don't know what to say to that love. I'd wait till the dc are in bed and really talk to him. Things have to change. I don't agree with the posters who have said he's in the middle of you and his 'family' at all.

Bet you wouldn't let your family treat him badly would you??

The groom or grooms sibling probably said 'what nonsense of course they're going'.

I think you need to lay down the law with dh in advance of future in law issues- they can destroy families. We have a rule a suggestion from either patent is met with 'I'll have a chat with dh/de and we'll let you know'. Before introduction of that rule we had lots of fights.

Wow. All I can say is that karma is going to come back and bite your SIL in a huge way, macherie. I cannot imagine being so twisted and bitter that I would hurt a child in order to get back at her mother for some long-ago incident.

The person I find it hardest to understand is your husband, and the way he cannot see the harm he has done and the hurt he has caused by putting his mother's and sister's feelings above those of his own daughter. My dh can be a bit insensitive, and has all the social graces of a coconut, but there is no way he'd even consider doing what your dh did.

Macherie - you have behaved with great maturity through all of this and have earned my huge admiration for your restraint and thoughtfulness. I hope that you and your husband can have a proper talk about this, and that he realises how much hurt and pain he has caused.

My inner bitch is suggesting that you grasp his balls firmly in a monkeywrench and give him a practical demonstration of the pain he's caused, but talking is probably a better way to go.