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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that ds1 & ds2 invited to SILs wedding but not dd?

629 replies

macherie · 31/05/2009 20:43

Sorry, I know the no children at weddings thing has been done to death, but I'm really upset about this.

I have no siblings, only a few cousins, so family weddings are a VERY rare occurance on my side. Dh has 3 siblings, 2 married years, so SILs wedding has been a big event on the horizon, lots of talk of dresses etc.

I see SIL every day as our DC go to the same school, and she never gave any indication that was intending to do this.

The invitation arrived 2 weeks ago, inviting me, dh, ds1(11) & ds2(9). No mention of dd who is 5. I called dh and we decided it must be a mistake, he said he would talk to her about it, which he did today, and no dd cannot go, they decided no under 6s were allowed.

Of course, it is her wedding and she gets to decide, blah, blah, blah.

DD will be so hurt if we tell her the truth, as will her brothers. What am I to do - get the 4 of us all dressed up and leave her at home with a babysitter?

I am inclined to book us all a holiday for that week just to avoid the hassle.

OP posts:
beanieb · 31/05/2009 21:48

This is just not fair. I guess you only have 2 choices - leave all the kids at home or don't go.

Dysgu · 31/05/2009 21:51

I don't get weddings without children if they are seen as a family celebration.

We went to a DP's cousin's wedding last September that did not include children under 5 - unless they were still breast feeding so two infants were actually there!

We considered not going (DD1 had just turned 2 and I was 5 months pg) or DP going up by himself. I was going to use being pregnant as the excuse for not going.

In the end we both went - 2 hour drive and an hour on the ferry to get there and the same coming home. We got there in time to be the last to enter before the bride came in and we left after the photographs.

I did not enjoy the day (feeling that I did not work full time in the week to then miss a whole day with DD (touch of PFB I admit), felt teary at seeing other children there and missing DD1.

Even now people mention what a shame it was we had to leave before the meal (yes, they had included us on the seating plan and they were left with gaps in the family table!) We still nod quietly and I wish we had the nerve to say it was because we would rather have had DD with us.

TBH I would not attend another wedding with9out my DCs and next time, I would be open about say why in my RSVP - which I would probably write!

DP and I plan on getting married sometime and I joke that it will be an event to which guests will HAVE to bring children!

In your position I would either take DD along anyway - in that gorgeous dress - or else say to SIL that you are not coming with DCs because it would be unfair to leave DD out. Then DD can always ask aunty why she was not invited as frequent intervals in the future - before 'forgetting' to invite her to her own wedding in a couple of decades!

HecatesTwopenceworth · 31/05/2009 21:52

well yes, but that's the failing of the parents not the fault of the children. - like you say about failure of some parents to - I would change "control" to some poncy statement about socialisation and inclusion and learning by doing etc etc

I just think that if children were fully part of society and all its occasions, then they'd learn the required social skills and there wouldn't be a problem.

Leaving them out of things that they could easily be part of doesn't teach them anything - except that they're not wanted.

kitkatqueen · 31/05/2009 21:54

I have a dd who is 5 and I cannot express how upset / rejected she would feel if she was left out of the wedding. My dd was recently one of my sisters bridesmaids (she was 4 at the time), the oldest was 5.

Yes it is her choice, but I think she needs to be confronted with this from your daughters perspective, if she has children of her own then she should be more sensitive. To invite the older children and not their younger sister is a horrible thing to do.

I would not go at all unless she changed her mind. I would tell dp to go by himself and wouldn't tell the boys they were invited.

yama · 31/05/2009 21:55

I'm finding it difficult to imagine writing out an invitation and leaving out one child from a family of five.

Really hurtful to be excluded in such a way.

How could they?

Thunderduck · 31/05/2009 21:56

I wanted, still would like actually, to have a child free wedding, when dp and I marry next year. However that isn't going to happen, not with my huge Scottish/Irish extended family...sighs.

I'd like a small, formal but fun, intimate wedding with just a few friends and close family members. And perhaps a party later to include my extended family.

But now it looks like my only option is a reasonably big wedding with all of the family, most of whom I haven't seen for years.
It's that or make things very awkward for my parents.

Numberfour · 31/05/2009 21:57

I would not go at all and I would expect DH not to either.

F*cking ridiculous invitation. She will no doubt realise due course what an utter twit she has been.

CarGirl · 31/05/2009 21:58

Hecate I wonder if some of the problem with society though is that it is very difficult/socially not acceptable to say to a parent "please would you get your dc to calm down" because I have truly witnessed some awful behaviour and age inappropriate of dc (no SN) and their parents are oblivious to it and the occasions it's ruined.

Thunderduck · 31/05/2009 21:59

I don't believe that children must be included in all things. However if they are that also brings extra responsibilities on the parent's behalf, that they must control their children. Many don't. Perhaps it might work though.

BexieID · 31/05/2009 22:00

macherie - send SIL the bill for that gorgeous dress. The moo!

Morloth · 31/05/2009 22:00

Thunderduck I think child free is fine (and have been too some lovely very formal child free weddings).

But this is just a step to far and seems almost targeted at a little girl.

Thunderduck · 31/05/2009 22:00

I agree Morloth.

womma · 31/05/2009 22:01

Agree with poster who said that your DP should not go alone, whether it's his sister or not, it's just condoning her shabby treatment of her niece.
Either all of you go, or none of you and she needs to know why you're all considering not going.
And I'd be busy when she needs childcare in future.

womma · 31/05/2009 22:02

AND I'd send her a big poo in a box as wedding present!!

Paolosgirl · 31/05/2009 22:04

But by banning all children, you tar them with the same brush on the offchance that there may be one or two who don't behave. Again, turn that on it's head and imagine someone posted asking if they were being unreasonable to ban someone with SN or personal nursing care needs because of the noise and disruption they might cause, given that some people with additional needs can and do spoil the peace and quiet that some people seem to need in order to consider their wedding 'unspoiled'.

SolidGoldBrass · 31/05/2009 22:05

I think there are quite a lot of occasions which are not suitable for DC, would bore them and their being there would annoy the adults and spoil the occasion. Children are not, after all, miniature adults.
However, in this case the SIL is being stupidly unreasonable and unfair and it sounds like there is some sort of history behind this ie maybe she doesn't want the OP or her children at the wedding anyway.

Original poster
macherie · 31/05/2009 22:05

Kitkat, you are right dd would feel so rejected if she knew. I can't understand how SIL can do this, as she has a dd herself, mind you she dumps her at the drop of a hat if she gets the chance to go on holiday.

I have hidden the invitation away so the children don't know what's going on, but even before it arrived we had all talked about what we would wear - no combats for ds1, etc - so they are expecting to go. I shall have to explain to the older ones, either tell the truth, or say no children are going - either way, they'll be disappointed. I also think they'll be shocked at their aunts behaviour.

Hecate, and others I totally agree, children should always be included, but MIL, particularly, is of the children should be seen and not heard, and preferably brought up by a nanny, brigade

Thanks to everyone for your supportive posts, it gives me resolve that I am not being oversensitive, as my ILs will inevitably say.

OP posts:
sweetkitty · 31/05/2009 22:05

I think that is horrible and wouldn't go IMVHO

I don't get the no children at weddings thing but respect people who do say no children.

Thunderduck · 31/05/2009 22:06

Sorry I don't think children need to be treated quite like adults, and that not wanting children there isn't the same as banning people with special needs.

It may also be just that they'd like a more formal atmosphere or to be able to relax and not have to keep an eye on children, particuarly in regards to any possible hazards they may encounter.

Original poster
macherie · 31/05/2009 22:13

Solidgold the weird thing is that SIL and I get on very well, I have given her a lot of support recently as she has a very difficult ex who is her dds father.

Not only do I step in with childcare, but I have also had to deal with the abuse of her ex when his dd didn't want to go away with him for the weekend and SIL was away, leaving me to deal with a very difficult situation.

If I was keeping tabs, she owes me a lot of favours, but of course I'm too nice to do that.

OP posts:
surpriseme · 31/05/2009 22:15

If she had said all children under 3 it would of been different-but six? If her child is 4 and not going maybe she did 6 and under on purpose so the her child would have your 6yr old for company?
I wouldnt go at all tbh.A 6yr old is able to understand and it would be different if it was no kids.

Paolosgirl · 31/05/2009 22:16

No-one is saying that children need to be treated like adults! What they need to be is treated as people who need a bit more input, just as we treat people with SN as people who require additional support, and people with nursing and mobility needs as people who require additional care and help.

If you want a more formal atmosphere, then someone with SN is not necessarily going to allow that (I'm thinking here of my own situation), or if you want to relax, then believe me, 30 minutes with my FIL was in no way relaxing.

CarGirl · 31/05/2009 22:17

TBH I've been wondering why your dd isn't bridesmaid seeing as though your so involved!

Thunderduck · 31/05/2009 22:17

...crosses Paolosgirl's FIL off her guest list.

Original poster
macherie · 31/05/2009 22:17

Her dd is 10, I wonder if she invited my ds's to keep her company?

OP posts: