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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that ds1 & ds2 invited to SILs wedding but not dd?

629 replies

macherie · 31/05/2009 20:43

Sorry, I know the no children at weddings thing has been done to death, but I'm really upset about this.

I have no siblings, only a few cousins, so family weddings are a VERY rare occurance on my side. Dh has 3 siblings, 2 married years, so SILs wedding has been a big event on the horizon, lots of talk of dresses etc.

I see SIL every day as our DC go to the same school, and she never gave any indication that was intending to do this.

The invitation arrived 2 weeks ago, inviting me, dh, ds1(11) & ds2(9). No mention of dd who is 5. I called dh and we decided it must be a mistake, he said he would talk to her about it, which he did today, and no dd cannot go, they decided no under 6s were allowed.

Of course, it is her wedding and she gets to decide, blah, blah, blah.

DD will be so hurt if we tell her the truth, as will her brothers. What am I to do - get the 4 of us all dressed up and leave her at home with a babysitter?

I am inclined to book us all a holiday for that week just to avoid the hassle.

OP posts:
Shitemum · 31/05/2009 21:09

You know what? I don't agree with all this 'her day, her rules' shite. A wedding is about the joining of two people yes, but also about the joining of their two families. Families tend to have children in them, children should be at weddings. Most people getting married are after all intending to have some children at some point after all - what is it with the no children at weddings shite?

pamelat · 31/05/2009 21:09

I think that is awful and this is the first AIBU post where I think everyone actually agrees!

womma · 31/05/2009 21:16

Macherie - that dress is gorgeous! Of course YANBU, I hope your SIL comes to her senses, the silly bint.

Original poster
macherie · 31/05/2009 21:17

LOL pamela, every cloud...

Plum there'll be a 4 yr old on her side that won't be going, and about 3 the grooms side.

Shitemum, I totally agree how can your have a family celebration if some of the family are excluded in such an arbitrary way.

OP posts:
Original poster
macherie · 31/05/2009 21:20

Thanks womma, we'll have to find soewhere else for her to wear it!

Any suggestions as to how to handle the situation now, if only dh goes, given that I see her every day, and hate confrontation/bad feeling?

Should I just rise above it all, or have it out with her?!

OP posts:
Morloth · 31/05/2009 21:22

That is cause it just seems so mean pamelat!

Just let it slide macherie it isn't worth the grief, send DH along and you and the kids go to something more fun.

bigchris · 31/05/2009 21:23

I would just say that you havew no one to leave your dd with so you can't go
maybe dh could take the 2 eldest kids and you and dd could have a really nice day out doing loads of girlie things

PlumBumMum · 31/05/2009 21:23

If there is only one child on her side not invited you can bet there will be more said about this, what do your other SIL's think?

I sais this before,
I was a no children at wedding bride BUT I didn't have any nieces or nephews or friends with children, so it was only distant relatives I would have pee'd off
BUT now that I have children of my own I think allowances should be made for immediate family
as shitemum says they are part of the family and hear all the talk/excitment to the build up and don't think its far at all

Can't wait for all these brides to have their children not invited

CarGirl · 31/05/2009 21:28

How is your SIL going to cope when your dd says "Auntie why aren't we going to your wedding?"

Original poster
macherie · 31/05/2009 21:28

Pamelat, when dh and I got married, we wanted the ceremony to be just 2 witnesses and our mums (both dads out of the picture), with all family invited to the reception. When SIL heard, she gatecrashed the ceremony with her dd aged 1 year.

We just smiled and made them welcome.

OP posts:
JessJess3908 · 31/05/2009 21:30

YANBU - it's a very shitty thing to do. I am organising my wedding at the mo and would never dream of it and have never heard of such an arbitrary cut off age. It should be no kids at all or family kids only. Does she have kids? Would she realise that your DD is old enough to understand and be really hurt?

I do think you should talk to her rather than just boycott the whole event though. Just say "we were really looking forward to coming but seeing all of us getting ready would just break DD's heart". I expect she will cave when she realises the consequences of her actions. sometimes us brides just need a "reality slap".

paisleyleaf · 31/05/2009 21:31

Good luck though macherie
...as it sounds as though childcare might not be a reasonable get-out for them, if they leave their kids so easily.

ingles2 · 31/05/2009 21:32

That's totally ridiculous, bloody bridezillas!
Avoid her until you have the complete story from DH, hopefully she'll have invited dd by now but if not, just say...
I hope you have a wonderful day but obviously the children and I won't be there to share it with you, smile and never mention it again.

CarGirl · 31/05/2009 21:33

well in that case just gate crash, she set the precedent.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 31/05/2009 21:34

Children are part of life, I find it baffling that people want to, I dunno, airbrush them from certain situations.

Why are people so afraid of children - or more specifically - of children being children?

EyeballsintheSky · 31/05/2009 21:37

Totally shitty thing to do and I would tell her where to shove her invitation. I'm [shocked] that some people think it's ok to carry on like that.

Gorgeous dress. Far too gorgeous to waste on your SIL.

womma · 31/05/2009 21:37

Sorry, I've been ogling gorgeous dresses for little girls...right stupid SIL managment advice - focus!
Have you thought about ignoring her wishes and just turning up with all your children? Is that an option?

EyeballsintheSky · 31/05/2009 21:37

That should be obv, not using brackets for effect

Paolosgirl · 31/05/2009 21:40

I don't get it either, Hecate. I've posted about this before on other threads, but we have a step-nephew with SN who is in his 20's and my FIL, before he passed away, had Parkinsons, dementia and cancer, was in a wheelchair and required 24 hr nursing care. Both require(d) more 'looking after' than children, but can you imagine the furore if they had been banned from family events? Somehow as a society we seem to think it's OK to lock away children until they can be released into civilisation at the age of 14 or whatever. Really odd.

In answer to the OP, YANBU at all.

scratchet · 31/05/2009 21:43

YANBU at all! I would be livid and would tell them to f*ck right off. I would get the holiday booked asap. Why should your dh go, that is condoning SIL's pathetic rules. Feeling v sorry for you!! x

Original poster
macherie · 31/05/2009 21:45

Tempted to gatecrash just to annoy them all

Ingles, thank you, I think that is exactly the line I will use.

Well, at least I won't have the hassle of looking for a dress etc.

What should we give them for a wedding present?

OP posts:
womma · 31/05/2009 21:46

A big poo in a box, Sharon Osbourne style!

CarGirl · 31/05/2009 21:47

alternatively go the service, be in the photos and then not go to the reception. If she's getting married in a church they have to let ANYONE in.

WolframAlpha · 31/05/2009 21:47

Totally agree with shitemum and paolosgirl. Yanbu.

Thunderduck · 31/05/2009 21:47

Well because children being children can be a right pain in the arse at a formal occasion if the parents aren't willing to control them.

I can understand having an age limit for weddings, but usually it's teens and up, or under 5's. 6 seems such an odd age to choose and it wouldn't really be fair for the whole family to go but not your youngest dd.

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