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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that ds1 & ds2 invited to SILs wedding but not dd?

629 replies

macherie · 31/05/2009 20:43

Sorry, I know the no children at weddings thing has been done to death, but I'm really upset about this.

I have no siblings, only a few cousins, so family weddings are a VERY rare occurance on my side. Dh has 3 siblings, 2 married years, so SILs wedding has been a big event on the horizon, lots of talk of dresses etc.

I see SIL every day as our DC go to the same school, and she never gave any indication that was intending to do this.

The invitation arrived 2 weeks ago, inviting me, dh, ds1(11) & ds2(9). No mention of dd who is 5. I called dh and we decided it must be a mistake, he said he would talk to her about it, which he did today, and no dd cannot go, they decided no under 6s were allowed.

Of course, it is her wedding and she gets to decide, blah, blah, blah.

DD will be so hurt if we tell her the truth, as will her brothers. What am I to do - get the 4 of us all dressed up and leave her at home with a babysitter?

I am inclined to book us all a holiday for that week just to avoid the hassle.

OP posts:
katiestar · 21/06/2009 09:54

OP- would you have preferred it if none of your DC had been invited ?

QuintessentialShadow · 21/06/2009 09:56

katiestar, further down the thread the SIL had admitted that she had invited macheries older children so they could babysit her own dd, same age as macheries dd....

katiestar · 21/06/2009 10:01

OK I thought that DC over 6 were invited, DC under 6 were not.As far as I can understand that policy has been applied to everyone.In which case it is not a pointed dig at your DD.
How can they make an exception for your DD , how are allthe other parents of under 6s going to feel then ?

swiftyknickers · 21/06/2009 10:02

i think if they had invited just mr and mrs macherie and no kids that would have been easier non? but to exclude one of the children is cruel.

anyway weddings with no kids suck, there is nothing more joyful then seeing little ones dancing on grown ups feet!! (i got married 4 weeks ago and there were 5 kids there and it was a scream, so i am biased!!)

QuintessentialShadow · 21/06/2009 10:04

Katiestar, it would seem that she deliberately put the age 6, rather than 5, to avoid OPs dd, who is in her own dds class... (if I remember correctly?)

missismac · 21/06/2009 10:08

macherie,
You wrote; I do think that's a good idea to just book a holiday, but sadly we've arranged one for august,

Don't know where you are, but we live in London & have a spare room. If you & DC's would like to come & visit with us for the weekend please consider yourselves invited. SIL is a bitter unpleasant woman, well done for handling the situation with dignity.

piscesmoon · 21/06/2009 10:11

This thread was started last month and I think everyone was quite helpful to OP-she came back to say that DH wasn't standing up to his family who are quite dysfunctional.
Opening the whole dabate about the wedding again isn't very helpful-it has all been said! Help to get DH to stand up to his family would be more relevant IMO.

tatt · 21/06/2009 10:18

macherie I think you're handling this very well. I don't actually agree with the mumsnetters who've called her a bitch and so on and have said it's revenge. It is a special day for her, weddings are very stressful to organise and she obviously doesn't like children much, including her own poor child. Very sad for them both.

I can also see that it's difficult for your husband - he is trying to do what is right by both families. You should be his priority but that doesn't mean it's easy for him to discard the time before you met. For what it's worth I think he should go the ceremony then leave before any meal. But that's his decision, although personally I'd never let my husband forget if he'd taken the wrong one .

You've given her a chance to change her mind, she hasn't taken it, I would now treat her politely but distantly when you meet and not undertake any child care in future. On the wedding day you and the children do something fun together. The wedding present reflects only one of you going - a toaster, maybe or a copy of Families and how to survive them.

I believe in being truthful with children so would tell them that your SIL didn't want young children at her wedding, that you didn't think it reasonable for some to go but not all and therefore you were busy that day. You can't say its child free as they will hear from their cousin who has been present. If you treat it calmly it will not upset children for long, children are not as good at grudges as adults - one reason we like them.

Try to be kind to your niece, even if you don't always like her. One of my SILs would let her daughter go to anyone. That child ran away from home at 15 because she felt unloved.

thumbwitch · 21/06/2009 10:29

macherie, sorry to hear this is still ongoing - I think tatt has some wise words there for you.

I hope you have some fantastic treat lined up for your DD - have you decided to let her brothers go with your DH (as it looks like he is going to go regardless) and then you and DD could have a Girls Day Out again? She could still wear her lovely dress and make it really special.

Kimi · 21/06/2009 10:42

macherie, I am sorry your DH is so very useless, but from what you say about his family they are all a bit useless and mad.

I can only say what I would do and it would be this, I would tell the future in laws how you have been treated, I would tell your DH that if he sets foot out of your home an away from your children to go to the wedding he is not coming back in to your home, he needs to grow a pair he really really does, God I hate weak useless men.

I feel sorry for the bloke marrying your SIL I really do.

Kimi · 21/06/2009 10:44

And as it looks like Mr worthless is going anyhow I would not let any of the children go, and lock the frigging door so he can't get back in.

Original poster
macherie · 21/06/2009 11:39

Sorry to just disappear, had to help dc makes fathers day breakfast, managed to stop myself from slipping a bit of rat poison into dhs scrambled eggs

Sorry I didn't mean to bring up the whole wretched wedding debate again.

Katiestar, I do see your point, it is the brides choice, but that does not give her license to disregard everyone elses feelings, especially when they are members of her family. And to answer your question, I wouldn't have minded if none of the children were invited, it's the picking and choosing of children based on whether they are 'useful'to SIL that I object to.

What I am having trouble with as many of you have picked up on is dealing with the fall-out from this. Thanks to the advice I had had from so many of you I think I am giving the appearance of dealing with it well, but I'm totally stressed out by it, I keep going over it in my mind, IYKWIM.

I really just want to forget about it and move on, but it is the long-term damage to my 'relationship', if you could even call it that with dh's family. Thankfully, we spent last christmas with them, so there won't be any question of having to do that this year!

Tatt, you are spot in thanks for that advice.

Missismac, that is one of the nicest invitations I have ever had, you are so kind - thankyou

OP posts:
Original poster
macherie · 21/06/2009 11:41

imi, I wouldn't like to get on the wrong side of you

OP posts:
Original poster
macherie · 21/06/2009 11:45

Kimi obviously

OP posts:
Kimi · 21/06/2009 11:53

Can you get in to the bride to be house and put immac in her shampoo?

Cancel her honeymoon hotel?

Advertise a jumble sale at the church at the same time as the wedding?

Change her menu?

Put prawn shells and fish heads in the church 3 days before wedding?

As for DH I would hide all his good clothes so if he goes he will have to go in his gardening clothes.

Take the distributer cap off of his car so he has to get the bus

put itching powder in his pants

And laxative in his dinner the night before

Original poster
macherie · 21/06/2009 11:55
Grin
OP posts:
Kimi · 21/06/2009 11:58

I have more, you only have to ask

Kimi · 21/06/2009 13:16

Disclaimer .........................

Kimi is lovely soft and fluffy really

sayithowitis · 21/06/2009 14:11

At this point I am afraid I would seriously question why DH is more concerned with his DSis feelings than those of hs DD! It is not about Macherie and Mr Macherie, it is about a very pointed snubbing of their DD. If DH doesn't sort it Pronto, For me that would speak volumes about where his loyalties lie. By allowing her to treat his DD this way, and by still going to the wedding himself, he is sending a very clear message about who is most important to him.I am afriad this would be a dealbreaker for me.

alittlebitshy · 21/06/2009 15:18

katiestar hmm - yes to an extent it is about the bride and groom but if they are choosing to get married in public (as in invite more than the bare minimum of witnesses) they are clearly wanting to share their day. And seeing as MARRIAGE is about family in the wider sense of the word they ABU to exclude people. I am a definite hater of child free weddings on the whole (espeically when excuses are made about how children will get too tired; we don't have room ) but this takes the biscuit. A wedding is not an excuse for a party (well it is, but...) but rather a way to celebrate family life and the joining of 2 familes.

tbh the sil has no right to dictate who goes to the ceremony (assuming it is in church) as legally anyone is entitled to be there as it is people's right and duty to be able to object should they have a just reason. But that's off topic.

I'll stop ranting incoherently now .

tatt · 21/06/2009 18:11

macherie I have issues with my inlaws, too - and some of them arise from something similar involving a wedding. (The bride had more sense, we all went in the end.) We tolerate each other but if anything happened to dh I doubt we would see the ILs after the funeral. However if you want your DH to be happy (and you probably still do despite being mad at him) then you compromise.

It's always worth trying to put yourself in the place of ayone who matters to you. Your dd will be upset but will not feel as strongly as you do on her behalf. Your husband is torn between old loyalties and new ones and doesn't want to lose either family.

In the long run we're all dead. It will not matter then.

missismac · 21/06/2009 20:11

Macherie,
I meant it too. Just say the word . . .

katiestar · 21/06/2009 20:42

Spicemonster wrote ' Blimey katiestar - that's about the fourth thread in as many days that you've stamped onto in your size 9s and said something completely inappropriate/ignorant/offensive.'

Crikey who died and made you boss!
'Perhaps if people are such fragile flowers they shouldn't post on this board..You might want to consider the Note on the top of this forum
I think you are alluding to the SN thread where I outlined my personal experience of how SN kids had disrupted the class I work in and hurt and frightened many of the children ?

Original poster
macherie · 21/06/2009 20:42

Missismac, you might be sorry you said that...

Sayit it's not that he has more loyalty to dd, it's just that he is gutless, he would just not have that conversation. For instance, this party yesterday, a big do, over a hundred people in the garden, etc. I knew that as soon as we got there he'd be off socialising, leaving me. Now obviously I'm able to fend for myself, but under the circumstances, I felt I'd like a bit of support. But he just doesn't get that, like he doesn't know how to respond. So I just decided not to put myself in that position.

Tatt, I see what you are saying about putting yourself in someone elses position, my problem is I'm always putting other peoples positions ahead of my own, always compromising. But on this occasion I don't want to compromise, I want my dh to empathise with me for a change. My ILs have been unpleasant to me for as long as I have known them, and I have really had enough.

OP posts:
katiestar · 21/06/2009 20:51

Have to say I am absolutely gobsmacked that people think a bride and groom should have to invite people to a wedding who they don't want there.
I wonder how many of you will feel the same when the boot is on the other foot and your own DC are getting married and don't want someone there ?

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