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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that ds1 & ds2 invited to SILs wedding but not dd?

629 replies

macherie · 31/05/2009 20:43

Sorry, I know the no children at weddings thing has been done to death, but I'm really upset about this.

I have no siblings, only a few cousins, so family weddings are a VERY rare occurance on my side. Dh has 3 siblings, 2 married years, so SILs wedding has been a big event on the horizon, lots of talk of dresses etc.

I see SIL every day as our DC go to the same school, and she never gave any indication that was intending to do this.

The invitation arrived 2 weeks ago, inviting me, dh, ds1(11) & ds2(9). No mention of dd who is 5. I called dh and we decided it must be a mistake, he said he would talk to her about it, which he did today, and no dd cannot go, they decided no under 6s were allowed.

Of course, it is her wedding and she gets to decide, blah, blah, blah.

DD will be so hurt if we tell her the truth, as will her brothers. What am I to do - get the 4 of us all dressed up and leave her at home with a babysitter?

I am inclined to book us all a holiday for that week just to avoid the hassle.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 17/07/2009 15:51

You poor love. I don't know what to say - what a smack in the face that must feel. I really hope your husband comes back on time and shows you all some loyalty

Original poster
macherie · 17/07/2009 15:51

You are right ponders - IANBU, I'll keep repeating that to myself.

The children there were SILs dd, other SILs ds, and SILs friends dd(she's about 9) and then the 2 little ones.

Maybe I should have just brought them, I don't know, but I feel very bitter now.

Think you may be right about marriage counselling, it will be hard to forget this.

Sky really grey so going to run before it rains. Takeaway for dinner tonight I think, as dh enjoys his 5 courses.

Thanks again, feel much better now.

OP posts:
MrsChemist · 17/07/2009 15:55

In your shoes I wouldn't have been so dignified. I would have dragged DH out by his ear and then made him explain to SIL why you left early.
I hope she realises how much she has hurt you and feels very foolish. Have a lovely afternoon with your DCs.

daisydora · 17/07/2009 16:01

I have just read this entire thread.

macherie can I just say what a nasty woman your SIL is, just nasty and downright mean. I cannot believe your DH stayed either. I would be seething if my DH stayed under those cicumstances. Lock him out anyway

The next time you see SIL I would simply ignoer her. No 'hi' at the schoolgates. This just seems to me to prove it was revenge for not inviting her to your wedding ceremony all those years ago,

Can I also say how totally dignified and reasonable you have come across througout.

I wonder if katiestat still thinks yabu??

corriefan · 17/07/2009 16:02

After reading through I just wanted to add that I too would feel extremely hurt. What a cow. God knows what she must be dragging about with her to want to hurt others so much. And to use a little girl as a pawn, lovely move.

Be thankful that is not how you get your kicks and don't give her the satisfaction of knowing how upset you are if you can.

I hope you have a lovely afternoon with your kids.

sweetheart · 17/07/2009 16:04

macherie, I have browsed through your thread and feel very sorry for the way things have turned out for you. Perhaps the other young children WERE asked not to come but just turned up.

If it were me I would make an indirect comment next time you see SIL - something like "it was so lovely to see all the LITTLE children playing at the wedding, I hope they didn't spoil your day"

loler · 17/07/2009 16:05

What a very nasty person your sil is - she also sounds incredibly stupid as she wasn't clever enough with her no-children lie to realise that you would see the other children on the day.

Everyone else has a real downer on your dh, but although I do think he has been a bit blind to your needs (as most men are - yes I know it's a sweeping statement), he must feel very split too. It is his sister getting married and he will feel huge pressure from his side of the family. Imagine if in the future it was your ds and dd.

It's not a real wedding with out some family fall out. Don't late this one day ruin your marriage!

Enjoy your take away - have a glass of wine and a long selfish soak in the bath. Just think you could have had to stay and endure boring small talk with people you don't know and will never see again (can you tell I hate weddings!)

mowbraygirl · 17/07/2009 16:12

I have been following your thread from the beginning so pleased you reported back to us on MN about the wedding. You summed up your SIL perfectly an absolute bitch and more. If it was me I would have nothing more to do with her let her find someone else to look after her DD. I like you would have been very upset to find out that there were other children at the wedding younger than your DD. Enjoy what is left of the day with your DC's and have a nice take away they sound like smashing kids to me and just the sort I like at a wedding.

MaryBS · 17/07/2009 16:15

I'm so sorry that you had to go through this, but so proud of you (if you can be proud of someone you've never met ) that you behaved with dignity throughout, and especially at the wedding.

aGalChangedHerName · 17/07/2009 16:22

What a fucking bitch

What did your H say when he saw the younger children there? You are such a nice person. I would have come home and not stayed for the ceremony i'm afraid.

You would be within your rights to never see any of that lot again imo.

Really for you today!!

1dilemma · 17/07/2009 16:32

am very sorry it turned out like this, I was shocked at SIL behaviour inviting some children and not others!

I think you have conducted yourself very well

At least you know where you stand with SIL now

Silver1 · 17/07/2009 16:48

I am so sorry, I have just read through all of this, and as I read DH had gone to the dinner after all my jaw hit the ground- then I read about the children at the wedding...

Please don't fester about what you didn't do, you can't change it, but I think your husband should know that men like DH (home from work today) thinks he is "a coward a cad" and he's just come back in with "arse".

I/We have difficult in laws it all sounds a lot like yours, but he has stood by me recently whilst FIL was a tit, even though when his sister has been difficult he has done nothing. There is a limit, and your in laws crossed it in June.

Enjoy the day-counselling I think is important not because you are furious but because your husband really needs to pick where his loyalties are, his childish sister or his child??

Pikelit · 17/07/2009 16:55

I've just read through the topic and can I say what a lovely, altruistic woman you are. You have certainly come out of this horrid situation the better person since you've saved the dh's face by turning up at all when your heart must have been with your dc. Right now I'd lavish even more attention on them and actually let the fainthearted wuss get his own dinner!!!

I respect people who choose child free events although actually think that the British tendency to hide children away until they are old enough to get an ASBO is bizarre and unhealthy! But there is never an acceptable reason to invite two out of three siblings to a wedding.

When ds1 and ds2 of mine were still under two, friends of ours got married and were clearly embarassed about having to say they'd rather we didn't bring the children. As it happens, we didn't go at all but at least they'd been consistent and had the decency to tackle things upfront.

HenriettaJones · 17/07/2009 16:57

I think you should get your DH to read some of this thread so he can see how his family might be united in the way they see things but that doesn't make them right.

It wouldn't hurt him to read a few of the comments about himself either!

I am so sorry what you have gone through

I think you need to decide how you are going to approach SIL from now on. You could either be very cool with her (and avoid babysitting for her!) or you could be as wimpish as your DH and pretend it never happened, or you could invite her round for a coffee and tell her how difficult the under 6 rule was for you.

Like other's have said, you have acted with grace and decorum and your kids sound great.

Hope SIL slips in the mud and lands in some dog s**t.

roneef · 17/07/2009 17:44

Macherie - I cannot believe you are so calm through all this.

You really are a better person than your SIL.

As for your DH - words fail me

Sadly, I'm too familiar with type of shitty treatment from my ILs.

Really sad for you.

Triggles · 17/07/2009 17:54

All I can say is "wow!" what nerve your SIL shows!

I read the basics of this thread, including the update after the wedding to my DH, and he can't believe that your DH:

a- went to the wedding at all without all 3 children
b- didn't say anything point blank to SIL and tell her in no uncertain terms that it was either all 3 children or none of you would be going
c- went to the wedding, saw those other children, and still stayed!

I believe the comment DH muttered was something about needing a private detective to find his balls for him as they've obviously been lost.

You obviously have more patience than me though, as I would never have even considered going to the wedding, not even to placate family members or DH (and he knows this ) under the circumstances. (luckily, DH's family loves having children at family events - the more the merrier as far as they are concerned!)

pscc · 17/07/2009 17:57

What a shitty thing to do- YANBU AT ALL!!!
When and where is the wedding?- lets all gatecrash with our kids!!!

pscc · 17/07/2009 17:58

Damn- just read the last thread, looks like I'm too late!!

cornsillk · 17/07/2009 18:06

Did anyone ask where your children were?

daisydora · 17/07/2009 18:14

I hope DH has at lest phoned you to see how you are?

I forgot to say ealier in my post, I hope you have a delicious takeaway with your DC's. I know who is missing out on the fun...

overweightnoverdrawn · 17/07/2009 18:41

I would be so hurt by this . Its so disrespectifull to you and your lovely kids . I would also be very dissapointed in your DH and to be honest it would not be forgotten ever. I know I would dwell on it and feel so sad and let down by him . Regarding you sil well what can I say . revenge is a dish best served cold . Im sure somwhere down the line it will be pay back time . I truly believe in karma . enjoy your kids and try to forgive your DH as you will be the one that suffers . I really should take my own advice lol . Mumsnet supports you fully and sil is a cow .

mrsasp · 17/07/2009 19:12

Message withdrawn

GrapefruitMoon · 17/07/2009 19:21

I remember this thread when it first started and am even more at your SIL now.... hopefully the rest of the family will query why you had to leave and where your kids are - please tell the truth if anyone asks you.

And if you ever do any babysitting or other favours for your SIL again I will personally come around to give you a good shake!

ElfOnTheTopShelf · 17/07/2009 19:29

I'd be fuming if my DH had stayed.
Hope you are okay.

girlsyearapart · 17/07/2009 19:32

Haven't read whole thread but YANBU in the slightest! No children at all is ok but some and not others v odd. Especially your own nieces and nephews.. Had sort of similar situation about 7 years ago. In our family it's a running joke that I've always wanted to be a bridesmaid so when our Uncle was re marrying my mum joked about 'good she'll finally get to be a bm'. So my uncle asked my sister and not me. We are his only family. I did not go to the wedding and let it be known I was severely unhappy with the situation. The not being bm was not an issue it was the asking my sister and not me. Like you OP I originally thought it was a mistake, that he hadn't got around to asking me etc but no it was deliberate. It still irritates me now and I am an adult (in age at least!) Weddings tend to bring out the worst in people..

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