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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that ds1 & ds2 invited to SILs wedding but not dd?

629 replies

macherie · 31/05/2009 20:43

Sorry, I know the no children at weddings thing has been done to death, but I'm really upset about this.

I have no siblings, only a few cousins, so family weddings are a VERY rare occurance on my side. Dh has 3 siblings, 2 married years, so SILs wedding has been a big event on the horizon, lots of talk of dresses etc.

I see SIL every day as our DC go to the same school, and she never gave any indication that was intending to do this.

The invitation arrived 2 weeks ago, inviting me, dh, ds1(11) & ds2(9). No mention of dd who is 5. I called dh and we decided it must be a mistake, he said he would talk to her about it, which he did today, and no dd cannot go, they decided no under 6s were allowed.

Of course, it is her wedding and she gets to decide, blah, blah, blah.

DD will be so hurt if we tell her the truth, as will her brothers. What am I to do - get the 4 of us all dressed up and leave her at home with a babysitter?

I am inclined to book us all a holiday for that week just to avoid the hassle.

OP posts:
Original poster
macherie · 21/06/2009 20:59

Look katie, this is not about the wedding anymore.

It's about my dh's divided loyalty and my clearly inept attempt to come to terms with this.

Ok?

OP posts:
LovelyTinOfSpam · 21/06/2009 21:01

Think katie is best ignored, macherie

I invited people to my wedding I wasn't that keen on. Because they were family. For crying out loud.

ChippingIn · 21/06/2009 21:19

katiestar - it wasn't necessarily the SN thread - there are plenty that you are having a stomp on at the moment. After reading your posts here, I am not continuing our discussion on the other one. I tried to remain civil and explain to you a different view point - however, you have made it abundantly clear here that the only view point you are interested in is your own. It's no badge of honour to lack compassion or empathy you know.

macherie - I was pleased to see you'd updated, I was hoping that you were reporting back to say your DH had grown a pair and you'd all dressed up in your lovely 'wedding clothes' and had a lovely family day out somewhere - sorry it was more crap. As I said before, I can totally sympathise with your situation. You are right not to hold your breath waiting for him to grow a pair.... if only your DH could see how corosive this behaviour is to a relationship... x

dittany · 21/06/2009 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rupertsabear · 21/06/2009 21:37

Gosh, I had loads of people I didn't much want at my wedding, because they were rellies. And even the venue, which had a no under-10 rule as was grade 1 listed, made an exception for the nieces and nephews. People are weird about weddings - surely they're a time for being and feeling part of a family. I invited all my nieces to be bridesmaids, just because I thought they and their parents would enjoy it. And they did, and me too. absolutely NBU.

Rindercella · 21/06/2009 21:43

I too thought of you yesterday Macherie and wondered whether or not the wedding had happened yet.

Sorry your DH hasn't appeared to have grown a pair yet...but I guess there is still time

Your ILs have put you in a horrible position, and put strain on your marriage, by effectively asking your DH to declare his loyalties. Imo, that is not reasonable behaviour, most spectacularly displayed by attempting to exclude your DD - SIL's DN, MIL's DGD from what should be a lovely family gathering.

It sounds like you have conducted yourself with style and good manners. I wish you luck, and hope your DH does grow a really HUGE pair and sets his family straight.

Portofino · 21/06/2009 21:43

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised any more at how precious some people are, but I come on MN and get totally shocked. If you are doing a "family" wedding, then it shouldn't matter if the family are 0 or 100.

Original poster
macherie · 21/06/2009 22:00

Oh, I forgot to say, that dh's brother is organising a dinner at a restaurant the night before the wedding and the day after
there will be a garden party at which dd will be very welcome - thanks so much for that

Talk about prolonging the agony.

I really think going away is the only way to deal with it all.

It's not till mid july, so still time for dh to redeem itself, if he still is dh by then.

OP posts:
LovelyTinOfSpam · 21/06/2009 22:09

Bleedin eck.

Definitely think you need to take the kids away for the whole weekend macherie.

katiestar · 21/06/2009 23:07

Ok well when you resort to personal abuse it means that you have run out of arguments.

ChippingIn · 21/06/2009 23:23

My post at 21.19.19 was your idea of 'Personal Abuse' PMSL you are funny.

tatt · 23/06/2009 07:40

macherie I understand, really - but I think this thread is making you crosser than you might otherwise be. Your husband could be a lot better but isn't that true of most of them? I tell my daughter the old one about all women marrying beneath them.

Bottom line - you have 3 children who probably love their father. You are working yourself into a divorce and the children are the ones who suffer from that. Your daughter will miss her dad more than not going to a wedding.

IDidntRaiseAThief · 23/06/2009 07:51

I don't think you should be taking out al your anger for this situation on your husband. I agree, of course he needs to be more supportive, but what can he do, re the actual decision she has takenabout her wedding.

Out of interest, how many other kids have been struck off the wedding guest list by this no under sixes ruling?

I posted at the beginning of this thread, and it did occur to me back then that the bride may also have been being more protective over her own dd's participation in this?
The fact you'd bought an expensive and beautiful bridesmaidy dress, way before the event/invatation? Not unusual, at all!! Yet is does seem there are issues between you and her. Do you think it's possible she feels threatened? Has her dd got the same sort of dress? Is her dd an actual bridesmaid?

Kimi · 23/06/2009 07:58

macherie, Have you sat your DH down and calmly told him that if he goes to the wedding and if he does not support the wife he chose and the children he made as appose to the family he had no say over being in, that it will do unrepairable damage to your marriage?

I think you need to spell this one out very slowly to him.

He chose to be with YOU he cohos to have a family with YOU and you and that family should ALWAYS come first, if his family are a bit odd and he was raised by nutters odd people he may see them as normal, you need to point out they are not, also tell him that if he chooses them over you and and your children that none of your children are going to the wedding or any other family event until they are 18 and decide for themselves to go or not.

I am so on your behalf that he can not see he is wrong, (and that they are a family of fuckwits)

Sit him down and tell him what he is about to lose, starting with your respect and ending in your love if he carries on like this.

/Sends large bottle of laxative, Immac and itching powder your way

fishie · 23/06/2009 08:35

macherie your dh is going to have to spend the whole wedding explaining why his family aren't with him. has he realised this yet?

that is very tricky re other events. it may make you look a bit churlish if you don't go to them, assuming all of you are invited.

Chrysanthemum5 · 23/06/2009 09:26

Hi
Macherie sounds like you are doing a great job of coping with this. Just to put in a word for your DH, his family does sound a bit like mine in that my Dad was a violent alcoholic, my sister is just awful etc. And I find it really hard to stand up to my sister even now. I've lost count of the number of times I've put her ahead of my own wishes, given her time that I should have spent with my DCs etc. When you grow up in that atmosphere, you do find it really hard to stand up for yourself.

I'm a lot better now, with DH's support, but I cringe when I think about how much DH has had to put up with from her. Maybe your SIL is similar? at times it felt like a power battle in that my sister wanted my attention and resented my DH.

Anyway, hope you can have a nice time away with the DCs if that's what you decide to do,
Donna

shouldbeironing · 23/06/2009 10:08

I agree with Tatt on this recent commentary. FGS dont destroy your relationship with your DH over this. It is hardly worth it. Please rise above it now if you can. You have dealt with it really well up to now by the sound of it.

thumbwitch · 23/06/2009 11:00

Actually macherie, I hope that your last post was a bit tongue in cheek because, let's face it, your DH has always been like this with his family and probably always will be.

While I can still sympathise with your need for him to stand up for his family, it is going to be difficult if it does cause a permanent rift and lots of people will suffer. So, from that point of view, I think it might be a long term better option to let your DH do whatever he feels he has to; let your DSs choose whether or not they want to go to the wedding with him; and you and your DD still plan a fab day out without them (or with the DSs if they want to join you). It makes it easier all round, even though his family have been PITAs to you forever,if you force your DH to miss this wedding you will get painted as the Bad Guy.
This way, the blame for you not being there lies where it should - at your SIL's door. After all, someone has to look after your DD, don't they!

thumbwitch · 23/06/2009 11:02

oops, when I said "stand up for his family" I meant his own family, i.e. you and the DC, not the ILs.

Original poster
macherie · 23/06/2009 13:23

Hi all, sorry I really should have put a at the end of my last post

You are right there is no point in letting this come between dh and I.

After a good nights sleep on Sunday I calmed down and decided that I am just giving my ILs too much power over how I feel - this happens regularly - they do something fairly offensive to me and my dc, dh never backs me up, I get annoyed with him, etc, etc.

So this is what I have decided to do, what do you think of it as a compromise?

I will have to go to this wedding or else I will be living with the repecussions for years which won't be fun. My boys love going to MILs purely for her garden and have great plans to build a treehouse there over the holidays. I don't mind them going down there with dh, as they are older and spend most of the time outside, but my protective instincts won't allow me to let dd go there without me. I don't want her to miss out on fun with her brothers, so if I'm going to go to MILs with her I will have to go to the wedding.

So, I have told dh in no uncertain terms I am really fed up he didn't stand up for dd, but the damage is done now.

He has agreed we will both be busy on the Thurs night when the 'rehersal dinner' thing is on.

On the wedding day, I will be getting dressed up in the vvvv expensive and gorgeous dress that dh will be paying for, having my hair done and getting someone to do that lovely flicked up '50s eyeliner thing that I just can't get the hang of. We will go to the ceremony, and I will make sure to be in the photographs and to chat to all the new in-laws. I will then make sure they all see me get in a taxi and go home where I will change out of my finery and bring the dc for a lovely afternoon with their friends at the park.

Dh will go to the reception and will be home by the dc bed time or else he will be locked out of the house.

We will not be able to go to the party the day after as we will be visiting a friend who lives a few hours drive away for the day.

What do you think?

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 23/06/2009 13:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Kimi · 23/06/2009 13:32

I think you are a better person then me

I would take DD and be done with it if you are only going to the ceremony (if it is in a church then by law they can not stop your DD going).

I hope you at least give your Hs credit card a bashing to be remembered, and drop it in to the convocation with SILs new in laws that your DD was left out.

I would also tread on the brides train! But I am a bitch

Original poster
macherie · 23/06/2009 13:45

Kimi, I'd love to take dd in her lovely dress , but it's not in a church, the ceremony is in a room in a hotel, so it wouldn't be worth the hassle.

Stewie, I'll definately let it be known that I have to go home to mind the dc, babysitters are hard to find in these parts on a fridat afternoon!

OP posts:
Kimi · 23/06/2009 14:24

I feel so sad for your dd, I think if I were you by now DH would be walking with a limp.

I am separate from my DH and I have a new DP, but not in a million years would HD1 ever be so disrespectful to our children as to let his family exclude at will. He took DS2 to his mothers 70th birthday DS1 would not go despite my begging, pleading and offering to pay him to go see granny, When they got there DH1s much hated sister (real shit stirring evil cow) had invited her EX husband, DH1 was fuming that I had not been invited (would not have gone if they begged me to as I will do harm to his sister for saying DS1 should have been put down at birth due to his SN) however a few weeks later his mother was taken to hospital with 2 mild heart attacks, did he ring to see how she was? Nope, send card, flowers, Nope, he dose not give a shit (I sent cards flowers and called 3 times, shes my MIL and has been for 23 years and the grandmother of my children) but DH1 has nothing to do with them, he admits the only members of his family he gives a shit about are his cousins.

Sorry long ramble, but I just feel so disappointed your DH has let you and DD down.

Hope the day work out ok for you all.

(Hope it pisses down on the bride though )

IDidntRaiseAThief · 23/06/2009 14:29

going back to my post, how many others of your dd's age have been affected by the no under sixes ruling.