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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that ds1 & ds2 invited to SILs wedding but not dd?

629 replies

macherie · 31/05/2009 20:43

Sorry, I know the no children at weddings thing has been done to death, but I'm really upset about this.

I have no siblings, only a few cousins, so family weddings are a VERY rare occurance on my side. Dh has 3 siblings, 2 married years, so SILs wedding has been a big event on the horizon, lots of talk of dresses etc.

I see SIL every day as our DC go to the same school, and she never gave any indication that was intending to do this.

The invitation arrived 2 weeks ago, inviting me, dh, ds1(11) & ds2(9). No mention of dd who is 5. I called dh and we decided it must be a mistake, he said he would talk to her about it, which he did today, and no dd cannot go, they decided no under 6s were allowed.

Of course, it is her wedding and she gets to decide, blah, blah, blah.

DD will be so hurt if we tell her the truth, as will her brothers. What am I to do - get the 4 of us all dressed up and leave her at home with a babysitter?

I am inclined to book us all a holiday for that week just to avoid the hassle.

OP posts:
Kimi · 23/06/2009 14:29

Would also add that soon after we split one of DH1s relatives died and his bitch sister tried to stop me going to the funeral, DH1 called his mother and said none of his family (him, me , kids) would be going.

The bloke who's wife it was that had died was really angry that bitchface SIL was messing with his wifes funeral can said he would rather DH and I attend then bitchface SIL.

DH1 and I went, and watched bitchface SIL bardge the dead womans children out of the way so she could sit at the front, If it was not a funeral I would have pissed myself laughing at her.

thumbwitch · 23/06/2009 15:35

so macherie, I take it that none of your DC are going to the wedding now? Did I get that right? in which case, good compromise. In the end, it was really about the exclusion of just one of your children which was such a bone of contention - so I think if it's just the pair of you going for the "important" bit, and then you head back to look after the really important people (your DC) that you have done well to come up with this solution.

I hope you have a lovely time and I'm with Kimi on the hoped-for localised freak weather conditions on the wedding party!

Qally · 23/06/2009 16:12

I always, always side with the couple on the "no kids" front, because it's their wedding. Only immediate family, no kids at all, whatever. But for the first time ever in this kind of query, I think they're being insane. Your dd is very much old enough to understand and be very hurt, you're close family, they're splitting sibling groups apart, they have kids themselves fgs so must know what problems this could cause. They should have through this one through better, it's a crazy thing to do.

YANBU at all.

Original poster
macherie · 23/06/2009 16:26

Wow kimi, that's some SIL you've got, mine is a saint in comparison!

IDRAT, sorry I didn't reply to you earlier, there is only one other child on the brides side, and 2 on the grooms side, but I doubt those 2, a toddler and baby would have gone if invited. So it was a lot of trouble to cause for the sake of so few small children.

You are right, I think there are issues between us, but I didn't realise it until this all happened. My dd is only 5, her dd is 10 and has had a pretty rough ride as her parents split SO acrimoniously when she was a couple of months old, and use her as a battering ram between them I think SIL is torn between feeling guilt and resentment, and finds mothering pretty difficult.

I am a SAHM and I think she mostly pitties me as she has her career, and regards my day to day life as deathly boring, and she cannot understand why anyone would sacrifice their career for their kids. I suspect though she might be slightly envious that I am very maternal, and loving my children is the easiest thing in the world for me when I think it's quite hard for her which is also .

As a result of all this she tends to over-indulge her dd in a material way, which is not good for her and she is becoming very precious and demanding.

A bit of a mess really.

Thumbwitch, no, none of our dc are going, they don't even know when it's happening so it's a total non-event as far as they are concerned.

I wish this whole sorry situation had never happened, but am feeling a little better about it now.

I hope it is a sunny where you are today, off to the park now, thanks for all your input

OP posts:
Kimi · 23/06/2009 17:00

Oh I know, she is a charm.

TBH I have no feelings for them if they all dies tomorrow I would not need a tissue.

My family are me, DH1 our sons and new DP.

I have nothing against my MIL although she lives near bitchface and is bullied by her in to going along with things, all SIL does and has ever done is cause trouble for every person she has ever met, I don't think she has ever had a real friend as once people get to know her they are off like a shot, also her reputation proceeds her.

They can not effect my life as they are so unimportant however saying that I will kick SIL the length of the country for what she said about DS1 if she ever comes near me.

I love DH1s cousins to bits though they are fab. I have all the time in the world for them

clam · 23/06/2009 18:12

Well done, Macherie. I think you've handled the whole thing assertively and pleasantly. You've been rightly hurt at your DD's exclusion and stated your feelings on the subject clearly. You've tried to persuade your DH to act, and he had a feeble attempt but bombed out. You've told him what you think of that too. And now you've hit on a great compromise. You're right in that you'd be putting yourself in the wrong for evermore if you don't go at all, so this way you're rising above it, going along, forcing yourself to be pleasant, but not betraying your kids in the process by staying all day. Quick appearnace at the important bit, then buggering off to spend time with the important people.

Result!

CarGirl · 23/06/2009 18:22

I think it's a good compromise, I hope your DH remembers to be back on time!

Morloth · 23/06/2009 18:32

Gosh you are so nice marcherie my DH wouldn't dare go at this point, he would know full well that his life would be hell for a long time. But I am an exceedingly difficult person . On the other hand my SIL is lovely and wouldn't pull this shit to start with.

I hope it all works out.

motherpi · 24/06/2009 13:06

Hello

Good compromise, Macherie. You are keeping your family protected and happy, and ensuring that your children can remain on friendly terms with their family.

A bit at the suggestions that you should take your daughter. That would be ridiculously rude and would end up hurting your dd - not an ideal outcome.

Original poster
macherie · 17/07/2009 15:16

I am just back from the wedding. I'm gutted and really angry so just want to write it down here and let it out!

My dh is a total and utter wuss, but we knew that already. He went to the family dinner last night at 7.30 while I stayed at home. I was dreading the wedding but put on my dress, did my hair, took a big deep breath and went.

All the dc were helping us get ready, I felt so sad that dd in particular was so excited about dh and I going, she would have loved so much to have put on her lovely dress and done her hair. I felt really awful going without them all.

The ceremony was in a gorgeous hotel, they would all have loved the sense of occasion, gretting cousins, aunts & uncles, grandparents and family friends when we got there, they are very sociable children and well behaved when they need to be.

Can you imagine how I felt when we walked into the room where the ceremony was and saw the grooms niece, about 6 (same as my dd) and his nephew no more than 4 years old.

I was gutted, I felt like crying.

There were 5 children there, they were all playing in the garden when I left. Dh stayed.

What an absolute bitch my SIL is. And I NEVER say things like that.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 17/07/2009 15:18

How unspeakably vile.

That would be the end of any friendship as far as I were concerned.

Your poor dd, being left out for not reason

And poor you, you must be feeling really down.

paisleyleaf · 17/07/2009 15:22

at the risk of getting a bit carried away with the smilies
but don't really know what to say
I can imagine how you feel, I feel upset for you

Original poster
macherie · 17/07/2009 15:23

Thanks, you would be upset too if that happened in your family, wouldn't you?

It's not just me?

OP posts:
posieparkerinChina · 17/07/2009 15:25

I would never invite any of your sils family anywhere ever. Poor you.

cupofteaplease · 17/07/2009 15:25

That's bloody awful. So sorry for you- that is totally unfair. Unfortunately my dh would have acted in exactly the same way- he never stands up for me or the children in the face of his parents.

Is he still coming home for your dc's bedtime?

Lemonylemon · 17/07/2009 15:27

that would absolutely do it for me, I'm afraid..... your poor family....

Original poster
macherie · 17/07/2009 15:28

I doubt it cupsoftea, I'm sure he'll 'loose track of time' or something lame like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
macherie · 17/07/2009 15:30

Just changing out of my dress now, going to take dc for ice cream and park. Better put on a happy face, but feel so hurt.

OP posts:
Stretch · 17/07/2009 15:31

Hell yes, I would be upset. But I wouldn't be as dignified as you. I'm sorry, but DH would have got it in the neck too. He has not behaved very well to his immediate family (ie his wife and kids) at all.

You sound like a lovely person. Please don't ever let your SIL try to walk all over you again. No doubt after the Bridezilla Mist has descended from her eyes, she will be back trying to be friends. At least you now know where you stand.

saintdobby · 17/07/2009 15:31

oh, macherie, that's so awful. I'm really sorry, you must feel so, so sad.

Imagine waking up every day being her, though, being that bitter and spiteful and calculating. That must be worse than anything she can do to you.

Greensleeves · 17/07/2009 15:32

I would be giving dh a verbal arse-kicking too. He's been a shit-eating spineless git and he's hurt his wife and daughter by doing so.

I am so upset for you

Original poster
macherie · 17/07/2009 15:37

Oh thanks everyone, I would be lost without MN.

So good to know there are so many lovely women out there who think that's a crappy way to treat my lovely dc.

OP posts:
Upwind · 17/07/2009 15:42

In your shoes I would insist on marriage counselling.

Seriously. Your SIL has been a bitch, but your DH has been unbelievably disloyal. There is no other way of getting through to him.

DebiNewberry · 17/07/2009 15:43

I would have cried i think. And I cannot BELIEVE that your dh stayed.

Fuck her. All the way through this you have been so graceful and she's... words fail.

Ponders · 17/07/2009 15:43

So who were the other 2 children, macherie (ie not the 2 you've just mentioned or SIL's DD)???

Please don't feel hurt - or sad - only you can make yourself feel like that. You said earlier "I am just giving my ILs too much power over how I feel - this happens regularly - they do something fairly offensive to me and my dc, dh never backs me up, I get annoyed with him, etc, etc.". Don't let your SIL win - be angry instead, with her & your DH (& their mother).

Hope you & your lovely children have a nice afternoon & remember we are all right behind you & YANBU!!!

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