to be angry that my son has lied to me about where he is staying tonight

[lividmum]

Hope you can help me get some perspective on this.

DS1 (14) had a 10pm curfew tonight. He didn't make the curfew so I rang him and he said he was staying at his friend's house. I said I wasn't happy (as he had previously agreed the 10pm curfew) but OK as long as he wasn't still out and about at that time. I asked to speak to his friend's mum to check she was OK with that (we do this often to make sure our DSs are where they say they are) and he then blurted out that he was staying with another friend (a girl). I asked to speak to one of her parents as I don't know the girl and was told by my DS1 that I couldn't as they were out for the evening and not coming back until the morning. Apparantly her parents had told her she could have a couple of friends over but I am assuming they didn't mean half a dozen 13-14 year olds (boys) (I could hear other voices in the background).

Anyway the upshot of this is that he has refused to come home and I don't know where the girl lives so I've had no choice but to leave it at that and hope that they behave themselves.

What would you do? I'm just so cross (a) that he lied about it and (b) that he has refused my request to come home.

Thanks for reading.

I think it all depends how much you are prepared to tough love them. We foster children and we tell them what we expect when they come, if they run away the police pick them up and take them to the childrens home. They mostly don't want to stay at the home so for some it changes them and they choose to stay in our house with our rules.

It is very hard when you love your children so much to do this but it mostly works according to the other foster parents at support groups I meet. Very few choose to stay in the childrens home, they are not allowed out late and are routinely rounded up if they break curfew.

Also install gps on their phone without them knowing - then you will always know within a hundred yards where they are.

This has really made me think I need to sort things with my 8 year old.

Your son is child who has lied, disobeyed you and is now threatening you. I would be like a bloody limpet to him for quite a while if he was mine.

I agree with maryz. The first thing I thought when I read your post was cannabis.

Do you know what to look for? He could be using it at friends houses.

I have to admit that I searched my son's room and possessions when I first realised we had a problem, they are good at hiding the evidence.

In the dark moments try and remember your son is still in there somewhere. Maybe focus the discipline on the area of schoolwork because that's the hardest thing to rectify afterwards when he comes to his senses.

You may have to start choosing your battles very carefully.
My brother used to turn a blind eye to his foster child of the same age smoking joints in the garden even though he hated it - it was not as bad as some of the other things he was getting up to.

Organise nice things you can drag him along on, activities maybe? Lots of this will come down to fragile teenage self-esteem. And as MS suggested above, get him to bring a friend.

If he speaks to you rudely, you and everyone else around him should walk away and ignore him.

Awful awful, I'm so sorry.

maryz - clearly I have no experience of 14 year olds, and are making a mess of it with my 8 year old, but I was only trying to help.

Hello everyone. Thanks for all the posts.

He has come back to the house again and seems to be a little calmer. I have explained he has a curfew tonight of 9pm and if he misses it he will have to wait even longer to get his things back. Whilst he was in a good mood, I explained again that his behaviour was completely unacceptable and that we can take one day at a time. I am hoping that he will see that if he has a good day where he doesn't swear at us, threaten us, damage our property, adhere to curfews, then we in turn can reward him by giving him a little of what he wants. It has to be done day by day.

Maryz - yes you are quite right, it is impossible to ground him he is too big and we would have to become physical with him (which we have never done) in order to stop him going out. I did wonder about the cannabis side of things. I have been searching his room regularly over the last few weeks and have only found cigarettes.

3littlefrogs - Do you know what signs to look out for re cannabis?

Morningsun - he is one of the oldest in the year. Some of his friends seem to have parents that allow them to do pretty much what they like but I am trying to fight it every step of the way. Last night for instance, out of all the parents, I believe I was the only one that actually knew he wasn't where he was meant to be. I have a system in place whereby I always speak to the parent of the house he is staying at and so far that has worked. Last night was the first time he has defied this. The friend whose house he was at last night had obviously been left overnight on her own by her parents and I despair. It's difficult for me to get my concerns across to him when his friends are all doing the very things I am telling him not to do.

Riven - I'm sorry to hear about your daughter...it's heartbreaking. CAMHS have told me that I should remain hopeful as the fact that he is willing to attend the sessions is a good sign and many children (as you say) refuse to go.

We have always had a happy house where his friends are welcome as that was the kind of house I grew up in with my parents. I am trying to keep the lines of communication open. I know my lovely boy is in their somewhere. When he came home for his dinner today he did say 'thanks for a lovely dinner mum' which I was quite taken aback with. It's so nice when he does say something nice and normal.

I am ever the optimist and hope that one day he (and us) will come out of this the other side. That is why I am reluctant to involve the SS (apart from CAMHS) as at least when he is here I can monitor him. If he does leave home for whatever reason in the next few years, I fear that he will then be in a system where there is much worse waiting for him around the corner.

Thanks for all your posts and sorry that I've not replied directly to you all. I am grateful for your advice.

Lividmum - he has a curfew of 9pm tonight? You've let him out? I despair. Who's in charge here I wonder?

You "only" found cigarettes in his room? I'd be devastated if I found cigarettes in my son's room.

I'm sorry, I know I'm sounding critical of you and I realise that his behaviour is dreadful and he's very difficult to control, but it sounds to me like he's taking the piss and you're letting him.

I have read all of this and don't have teenagers so haven't felt I've had much to contribute. But I will say two things - one is that I think it sounds like you're handling it really well and I can't imagine how difficult it must be when you are the only parent who appears to care where their child is of an evening (and I think 14 is still a child) and two, I think that him thanking you for a lovely dinner is probably as close to an apology as you're going to get and is also a very positive sign - he clearly does have respect for you and does care.

Oh actually there is a 3rd thing - having been a teenager who smoked cannabis fairly regularly, I'd look for general apathy, bloodshot eyes, excessive thirst/dry mouth and the 'munchies' - a desire to eat every sweet foodstuff within sight. But honestly, it might not be that at all, he might just be really struggling with becoming a teenager.

I'll shut up now but just wanted to let you know that.

catwalker - yes he has a curfew tonight. I can see why you think this is mad and yes a year or so ago I would have thought the same. You will see from earlier posts that I am unable to keep him in without blocking all exits (including upstairs windows) for the whole day without leaving his side for one moment. He is extremely strong. I have another younger DS and we have to make a judgement as to whether the stress caused to the whole house by us doing this is worth the outcome. We have had times when we have done this but it has been extremely unpleasant for all concerned.

When I said 'only' cigarettes I meant as opposed to other drugs, ie cannabis etc. We are totally opposed to his smoking and he knows this. He is under strict instructions not to smoke in the house or anywhere on our property and so far he has adhered to this. Everytime I find cigarettes or lighter/matches I confiscate them and he no longer leaves them in his room for me to find. It would be foolish of me to think that he will not smoke at other times with friends etc and I don't think it's uncommon at this age for them to try it out. He is taking advantage of us I know but we are doing our best to control as much of his behavious as we can. We made a decision that we couldn't stop him smoking but we could lay down the rules as to where he does it.

spicemonster - thanks for that...I don't see those signs in him but will keep a very close eye in case this changes.

I can't believe that you have let him go out this evening, and that you are falling for his threats.

I have 2 DS - DS1 is 17 and DS2 is 14, so I do know what you're dealing with (i.e. I'm not a mum of young children trying to tell you what they think they would do, without having the experience of older children).

Your son is walking all over you. He has all the power and you are letting him.

Neither of my DSs would dare to behave like this.

And you say 'only' cigarettes! What on earth is a 14 year old doing with cigarettes, and why are you condoning this? And you are - no matter that you might tell him that you oppose it.

You need to get a grip and regain control over him.

His threat to throw himself out of the window is a sure-fire way of bullying you.

And you're not laying down any rules here - he is ruling the roost.

I find it quite amusing that people seem to think you can control teenagers by doing various things. They are proper people at this age with free will.

I was a hellish teenager and NOTHING my parents did worked/changed anything. I stopped being a nasty bitch in my own time on my own terms.

I used to frequently climb out of my second floor window, wouldn't come home, turned my phone off and ignored all calls etc. I didn't need money, phones, computers or any material items as doing what I wanted to do was more important.

Thankfully it was a phase, lasted about 9 months and I now have an amazing relationship with both my parents. The vast majority of teenagers come out the other side of this situation but it's still bloody horrible for all involved. I sill feel guilty to this day about how awful I was as a teenager and wish there was something my parents could have done - the only thing they didn't try was bratcamp!

Good luck lividmum, you sound like you are doing the right things.

Lividmum - did he meet his curfew tonight?

I do have well behaved children, maryz. And it's no coincidence. They are well behaved because they have been brought up to be so.

End of.

Christ, that has made me angry.

I have never had to ground either of my sons. Because they have known from day 1 what is acceptable and what isn't.

Step up to the plate and get some balls woman.

Poor livid, could well be cannabis, who is supplying them? Do you think it could some of these so called lax parents? What were the age of the dc left home alone because I think a little word in someone's ear in authority might be in order. What are the parents of a 13 yr old doing leaving them unsupervised overnight?

I too am the parent of a difficult teen. I can't tell you how hurtful and patronised I would feel to be told to "Step up to the plate and get some balls woman."
If you can't suggest something more useful than that you should not post on here. You're very fortunate to have such wonderful children which are, as you suggest, the result of your superior parenting skills. Surely it would be more useful to pass on some of your skills to us less perfect parents than make patronising comments. Coming on here with smug comments about how wonderful your dcs are serves no purpose other than to make a struggling parent feel even more useless.
I usually avoid any confrontation on here but your comments have really upset me.

BecauseImWorthIt - that is extremely niave of you to think that its the parenting that counts. I was brought up with two brothers. One of them went off the rails as a teenager, myself and my other brother where perfectly behaved. There was no difference in our parenting, its just my brother got in with the wrong crowd.

Luckily he grew up quite fast when he had a serious accident on a motorcycle he was banned by my parents from riding on.

I believe that any child can go off the rails, no matter how brilliant their parents were. Count your blessings and pray one of your children doesnt suddenly change

OP - I think you did right by letting him out but with a curfew. You are showing you are trying to trust him and let him have some privilaeges and will reward further for more good behaviour

Good luck

I think its just incomprehensible until you've been through it to some degree ~ like badly behaved toddlers,everyone has an opinion.

My dd has always been a great girl,talented,doing well at school ~ her school reports were almost embarassing they were so amazing~ ,loads of friends etc until last year when she became extremely ill and it has affected her psychologically.

Now she doesn't care about school work,family ,being good,as she always has,and if someone doesn't care and all they want to do is go out,its very difficult to control at this age.

So BIWI, I know its difficult to understand but once this sort of situation arises you can't clamp down all the time as it can make matters worse,and they can choose to leave home soon after all.

My dd has several friends who left home at 16 and she definitely thinks of doing that[I don't think she will],basically so she can have all her own way and complete control.

Its very sad but hopefully most of them will come out of it fine.

is there someone outside the family who might get some sense into him? I didn't listen to a word my parents said aged 14, but the mum of one of my friends had a capital C Conversation with me that really stuck. I always had a pretty good relationship with my Gran too.

He's clearly still a good lad, saying he enjoyed his dinner and thanking you - but he does need to talk to someone and that probably isn't you, right at the moment.