to be angry that my son has lied to me about where he is staying tonight

[lividmum]

Hope you can help me get some perspective on this.

DS1 (14) had a 10pm curfew tonight. He didn't make the curfew so I rang him and he said he was staying at his friend's house. I said I wasn't happy (as he had previously agreed the 10pm curfew) but OK as long as he wasn't still out and about at that time. I asked to speak to his friend's mum to check she was OK with that (we do this often to make sure our DSs are where they say they are) and he then blurted out that he was staying with another friend (a girl). I asked to speak to one of her parents as I don't know the girl and was told by my DS1 that I couldn't as they were out for the evening and not coming back until the morning. Apparantly her parents had told her she could have a couple of friends over but I am assuming they didn't mean half a dozen 13-14 year olds (boys) (I could hear other voices in the background).

Anyway the upshot of this is that he has refused to come home and I don't know where the girl lives so I've had no choice but to leave it at that and hope that they behave themselves.

What would you do? I'm just so cross (a) that he lied about it and (b) that he has refused my request to come home.

Thanks for reading.

He wouldn't just be grounded for 1 day if he was mine! it'd be a life sentence(well, til he was 18 anyway).

I am sooo glad he is safe and you are picking him up . Get out of the car and go to the door and suss the place okay.
Tomorrow will be the day where you and he will discuss, calmly and with concern for him, w

What a relief.

It sounds like a good end result.

I would tread carefully now though - you have a good opportunity to turn things around with how you react to this. You haven't lost him, but try to remember that he is young and probably not thinking rationally.

Add into that wanting to not lose face with his friends, and probably a girl as well.

If you can, remain calm and tell him how worried you were, how much you love him, and how, although you understand that doing this probably seemed like a good idea at the time, it really wasn't.

I would then say that you understand that he feels angry, and probably doesn't want to be around his parents much at this stage, and just wants to be with his friends, but that it is courtesy to let other family members know where you are.

Then in coming weeks could you gently introduce the idea of something good in the summer to aim for? I don't know if PGL trips are highly uncool now, but I went on my first one at 13, and went to the USA at 15 with them and it was amazing - I would have done anything to go on that trip! Is there anything similar you could offer to show that you know he is growing up, but with age, comes responsibility?

Glad he came home and hope you are feeling better. Agree with ozziegirly and others who are saying talk to him. Yes, he needs punishment for this but he needs to see your disappointment rather than your anger. I used to get up to all sorts of tricks at that age { at some of the stuff I used to put my parents thru) and when I saw my parents were angry with me, it made me rebel even more, I didn't really care and it made me act more defiant. Whereas disappointment made me feel guilty and made me think twice and want to please my parents.

My mum used to get really angry, shout and go mad at me, whereas my dad used to sit me down and ask me what I thought was a reasonable time to come in and ask me what did I think I should be allowed to do at that age. He was talking and listening to me, I responded much better to my dad and felt more adult-like, it was compromise. My relationship with my mother became very, very abrasive because I knew whatever I said or did, she'd go mental (not saying that is you by the way).

I think a good thing would be to offer rewards for good behaviour, ie, a bit of trust and freedom appropriate for his age in return for your him being available when you call, making sure he is in on time etc etc. I think you have to be 'cool', make yourself approachable, talk and listen. If you are the 'cool' parent, he is more likely to bring his friends round and spend more time in your house where you can keep an eye on him. Once you start involving Police etc (got that t-shirt), it is hard to go back from there and becomes normal. Also what do you do next time and the time after that (hopefully there won't be next times).

It is a rough age, especially nowadays where teens are much more adult-like, peer pressure is enormous and probably one of the most important things in his life at the moment. He probably thinks the eejits friends he has just now will be all around him for the rest of his life, too young to realise that we all grow up and move on. This is a phase.

Hope everything goes ok today and wishing you luck.

I agree with ozziegirl and holyguacamole. You have to keep the lines of communication open - your relationship is the bridge that will keep the two of you together over the next few years. Actually, it isn't a bridge, it is a tightrope, and necessitates some very delicate footwork, and cooperation from your dh as well.

lividmum
How are you today?

Just a word of caution-if you take his phone you wont be able to contact him at all if he goes awol.He did come home eventually and probably appreciates that you cared enough to make him.I would negtiate the return of some of his things to make home more appealing and when he is grounded allow his best friend to come round for a while.

lividmum hope all went well at the pickup with no angry scenes etc.

Today keep it very simple ~ you got him home to know he was safe as he is only 14,it will be different as he gets older and more sensible.

If his number 1 priority is being the same as and seeing his friends,make sure you don't ground him too excessively so that he won't see them.

I would suggest being on his side,calm not angry and say if he is truthful and sensible he could have either a friend over on sats to stay[which has the advantageof you doing the lifts and getting to know the hangouts and crowd] and a few friends over for the evening every 2nd or 3rd weekend.

Also if you have family BBQs etc get him to bring a friend.The more things are at your house the less alienated he becomes.

He is still a person[obviously but ykwim] so try to negotiate rather than go mad.

You won and he now knows where he stands on this. Perhaps there is room to be magnanimous in his defeat, thank him for doing the right thing in the end, and use it as a positive step. From your op your relationship needs more positives than negatives at the moment. I just read this and think you did some brilliant mumming.

agree with magi and think he is going to be angry not sorry so go carefully.

sorry, maki

We've had far worse than this in my extended family with foster kids (14 yo with hard drugs, police and the threat of sexual predators ). The only thing that works is relentless rule enforcement and love. But I think you're already doing this! How about some major bonding time with dad?

Morning and I agree with you - about including his friends more in your family life.

Hope everything went ok!

Hello everyone and thanks for all the posts since last night.

Well I got him home safely. It didn't seem that he'd been drinking thank goodness. We have sat down with him and without getting angry have explained the reasons why we were concerned, that we love him and that at 14 it is our responsibility to ensure he is safe and well. I have done this on numerous previous occasions. The problem is he just doesn't see it. He got very angry with us and verbally abusive to DH and myself and then stormed out to be with his friends. This is an ongoing problem. He really doesn't seem to care what we take away from him in terms of punishment. He has told me this morning that he will do what he likes when he likes as all his friends are doing the same. He calls us weird (and much worse) and says that all we are interested in is messing up his life by not letting him do the things he wants to do. He says he hates us with a passion and will not negotiate with us under any circumstances.

He has said that if I tell any of the other friends parents where they really were last night he will make our lives a misery and we should watch ourselves as you never know what might happen. He told me to keep an eye on my handbag as if we are prepared to take things away from him, then he will take things from us.

We have another CAMHS appointment soon so I will speak to them. I am now at the stage where I have serious concerns about his mental health. Judging by most others his age that I know, his reactions seems totally extreme. If he has friends at home he has no qualms about verbally abusing me in front of them and I can see they are very shocked when he does it.

He was a great kid and we want to help him all we can but ultimately he surely has to help himself. He has been bought up by us in a happy, loving environment and to have respect for others and up until puberty there were never any problems.

Am feeling sad today and totally out of my depth wondering where we went wrong.

Poor you. Poor poor you.
I don't have much to say in teh way of advice as I have smaller ones. But rules and love struck a chord with me.
It's not on. Even if here were 24, it's not on to cause anxiety to the people who love you and who you live with.
I hope things change for teh better.

I have no advice to add. I hope that you can get advice and support from CAMHS. I have teenagers and have had problem times but we have always managed to talk through it. Usually when we sat and talked calmly, they saw things from our of point of view.
I am afraid I often used the phrase that while they were under our roof they obeyed our rules. I am not sure what I would do if they remained totally defiant. A 14 year old is very hard to 'control'. I could not tolerate threatening behaviour in my own house. Thankfully I never had to see what happened if they didn't tow the line. My DS1 and I often fought but he is now 22 and we get on really well.

Thanks nkf. You are right of course his behaviour at any age would not be acceptable.

I have got to dash out now but will catch up with any posts later on this evening.

oh livid glad he's back but really, what kind of behaviour is that he is displaying.
I would call his bluff, sort of, and ring the parents of his friends and ask in a general way if they are experiencing 'bad' behaviour from their ds at all and how they deal with it, and just say that yours has a tendency every now and again to not say exactly where he is sometimes and can you just double check with them in the future to just keep an eye out to keep him on track.
Don't paint too much of a black picture just making them aware that you are trying to be a caring and concerned parent to a teen boy.
Could you do that?
Maybe a chat from a serving pokice officer about abusive and threatening behaviour would work??

police not pokice.

Don't let him (ds) tell you what to do. Take control and do what you need to do for him. You are in charge!

Hi lividmum ~I thought that would be his reaction.

The truth is,as well,some parents are very laissez faire and I'm amazed round here how many are allowed to stay over at parties from 13 os so with no parental supervision[and mixed groups too,in barns etc].

His peers are more important to him atm than his parents views and he will probably get round a lot of curfews etc by going off to stay with a friend whose parents allow more.

Is he,by chance,young in the year and so his other friends are all 15?

I can only think,get as many good influences in his life as possible,as many friends at your place as possible,organise things for he and friends etc,try and tell him you trust him and hope it will settle down.

Don't nag and question too much but tell him you trust him to conduct himself in a good way.

Are there any new peers in his life who are causing this change in behaviour?

And sympathies too of course, but you will get him back and its not your fault.

lividmum, sorry to hear you are going through this with your ds. My sister is going through this with her dd also 14. She has now been expelled from school. She attends a course at college once a week and this week she went quadbiking

It is heartbreaking to see a once lovely child change like this.