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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry that my son has lied to me about where he is staying tonight

180 replies

lividmum · 30/05/2009 23:16

Hope you can help me get some perspective on this.

DS1 (14) had a 10pm curfew tonight. He didn't make the curfew so I rang him and he said he was staying at his friend's house. I said I wasn't happy (as he had previously agreed the 10pm curfew) but OK as long as he wasn't still out and about at that time. I asked to speak to his friend's mum to check she was OK with that (we do this often to make sure our DSs are where they say they are) and he then blurted out that he was staying with another friend (a girl). I asked to speak to one of her parents as I don't know the girl and was told by my DS1 that I couldn't as they were out for the evening and not coming back until the morning. Apparantly her parents had told her she could have a couple of friends over but I am assuming they didn't mean half a dozen 13-14 year olds (boys) (I could hear other voices in the background).

Anyway the upshot of this is that he has refused to come home and I don't know where the girl lives so I've had no choice but to leave it at that and hope that they behave themselves.

What would you do? I'm just so cross (a) that he lied about it and (b) that he has refused my request to come home.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Original poster
lividmum · 30/05/2009 23:58

I have called him but he is not answering his phone.

Shiney - he was a very well behaved child but since he hit puberty all hell has broken loose and I feel like we're losing control.

I have phoned his best friend's parents house but there is no answer. I've left a message.

OP posts:
mamas12 · 30/05/2009 23:58

Of course they've all fed their parents the same line but you are the only (so far) that has rumbled them (maybe a cry for help) RING THEM please to make your life more bearable in the future you will have to confront him tonight so he knows this is too far.

mamas12 · 30/05/2009 23:59

Well done for the first phone call phone someone else, track someone down. Those parents mybe on their way to pick their child up maybe/

Niftyblue · 31/05/2009 00:00

No surprise that hes not answering his phone
Text him

herbietea · 31/05/2009 00:02

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RumourOfAHurricane · 31/05/2009 00:03

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Tortington · 31/05/2009 00:03

i have been in this situation and i have physically gone round to the friends houses that i know and asked the parents to get me the contacts of other kids that might know where they are.

its the refusal to come home thats the rub for me.

Original poster
lividmum · 31/05/2009 00:04

I really know that I MUST not let him get away with this. He has already had most of his possessions taken away but all this does is encourage him to go out like this as he says he doesn't have anything to stay at home for.

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 31/05/2009 00:05

When mine were that age I never phoned them - strictly texts only. It is private, not embarrassing in front of their peers and they were more likely to respond. Not that you will want to be considering his feelings, but it might work better. He won't want to be having a conversation with you in front of the other kids.

RumourOfAHurricane · 31/05/2009 00:05

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Niftyblue · 31/05/2009 00:07

So taking his things away does`nt work
Start phoning round others
He is taking the piss he needs to know you mean business

herbietea · 31/05/2009 00:07

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Original poster
lividmum · 31/05/2009 00:08

He has no PS3 or TV in his room anymore but I think the mobile phone will hurt the most so I will be taking that away from him.

He has been a very angry boy for the last few months and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. We have been to a few sessions with CAMHS but they don't seem to be helping.

OP posts:
morningsun · 31/05/2009 00:10

Do you know the girls name to look up the address in the phone book?

You have these main options

  1. phone police to ask for advice

2.ring other parents ~some may be unaware and be equally livid but some may not care about this sort of thing ~it happens.

3.you leave it depending on if you think he will be safe.

QuintessentialShadow · 31/05/2009 00:13

If you take his mobile, you wont be able to call him.

However, you are not anyway able to get in touch with him, so do take it.

Having said this.

When I was really angry with my (then) 4 year old and took ALL his toys away and put them in the shed, on the assumption he would have to earn them all back, it escalated the problem. He became a very defiant little boy, who insisted he did not need his toys, and asked me if I couldnt just take them all to the charity shop instead. The solution ws NOT withdrawing things.

I think you might need to rethink your sanctions at this juncture.

Original poster
lividmum · 31/05/2009 00:13

Herbietea - yes we always following through on the punishment except the grounding as I was very concerned that he would jump from a second floor window.

His Dad is in bed with a stomach bug. I've told him what's happened but he's quite poorly tonight so he can't really do much. I think that's what's gone wrong tonight...usually DH would have driven around to a few of the friends parents houses to try to find out what was going on but he's not in a position to do that at the moment.

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 31/05/2009 00:14

It sounds as if there is more to this. What has happened to make him so angry? There must have been a reason for the counselling - obviously, you may not want to share that, but clearly you need some help, beyond the immediate situation.

RumourOfAHurricane · 31/05/2009 00:17

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QuintessentialShadow · 31/05/2009 00:17

I would not leave it assuming it would be fine.

For all you know he could be drunk already. And that may be the reason he wont say where he is. He might not want you to pick him up and see the party and see the state he is in.

When I was 15 I went to a home alone party. I was the only person not drinking that night, and it was not pretty. One youngster got really drunk and started being sick, so the others threw him out onto the lawn in the rain. He was there a few hours, before I noticed he was there and got him in. He had drunk something he shouldnt, I called an ambulance, he was in hospital for 3 weeks, it was touch and go for a while.

I dont intend to alarm you, but kids alone at home having a party, is not good news, and you cannot assume he will be ok.

herbietea · 31/05/2009 00:17

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Original poster
lividmum · 31/05/2009 00:20

QS Yes that's exactly what's happened to us (IMO). When his behaviour started to go downhill we clamped down and laid down the law, withdrew priviledges, pocket money etc (not all at once) but it absolutely didn't make the slightest bit of difference. If anything it made it worse. He is more defiant and stubborn than anybody I have ever met in my life.

I love him of course but don't much like him at the moment.

OP posts:
morningsun · 31/05/2009 00:20

Too much punishing for a distressed teen will just make him run out of the house to the next thing.

A lot of it is fitting in with new groups of friends and being cool.

Sit down and tell him you care about his welfare and want him home at night.
Tell him his friends can come to yours.
Tell him running wild won't make him happier.

Tell him he must be truthful and stick to arrangements then he can see friends etc.

Tortington · 31/05/2009 00:21

agree with morning sun.

then tell him he's grounded - for a month! a MONTH.

3littlefrogs · 31/05/2009 00:25

IME family counselling is more useful than just focussing on the individual. Family dynamics and personalities/relationships are relevant to each member's problems. You can access family counselling through GP or school.

How is he getting on at school?

Sorry - you will be concentrating on finding him ATM, but these things are worth bearing in mind when considering how to proceed in the coming weeks.

Tortington · 31/05/2009 00:25

so you have taken most of his stuff away for bad behaviour?

lets make something clear - you cannot have indefinate and fuzzy punishments.

you let things slide - the smaller things. becuase there will always be larger teenage dramas - and you cannot keep thinking up biger and bigger punishments.

sit down conversation as MS said. say all those things - then come to an agreement.

tell him that he really does have to have his liberty taken away - but - you ae willing to return some of his things - what does he think is reasonable considering he stayed out all night and refused to come home?

when i do this i often find my teenagers are harder on themselves if they are thinking up the punishment.

then i can say " well i was thinking more along the lines of xxx"

which then helps it along a little as i have been kinder