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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry that my son has lied to me about where he is staying tonight

180 replies

lividmum · 30/05/2009 23:16

Hope you can help me get some perspective on this.

DS1 (14) had a 10pm curfew tonight. He didn't make the curfew so I rang him and he said he was staying at his friend's house. I said I wasn't happy (as he had previously agreed the 10pm curfew) but OK as long as he wasn't still out and about at that time. I asked to speak to his friend's mum to check she was OK with that (we do this often to make sure our DSs are where they say they are) and he then blurted out that he was staying with another friend (a girl). I asked to speak to one of her parents as I don't know the girl and was told by my DS1 that I couldn't as they were out for the evening and not coming back until the morning. Apparantly her parents had told her she could have a couple of friends over but I am assuming they didn't mean half a dozen 13-14 year olds (boys) (I could hear other voices in the background).

Anyway the upshot of this is that he has refused to come home and I don't know where the girl lives so I've had no choice but to leave it at that and hope that they behave themselves.

What would you do? I'm just so cross (a) that he lied about it and (b) that he has refused my request to come home.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
morningsun · 30/05/2009 23:38

Ring him back and ask where he is.

If he doesn't answer his phone or refuses to tell you,ring his best friends mum,ask if they are together and where they are.

This type of behaviour can be really difficult to control and I would guess access to MSN/Facebook/mobile denied would have the most impact along with a chat about truthfulness and respect for you .

RumourOfAHurricane · 30/05/2009 23:38

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mamas12 · 30/05/2009 23:38

Hope you find him tonight I really do,

3littlefrogs · 30/05/2009 23:38

Peer pressure is a difficult thing - he may well be in over his head and trying not to capitulate in front of the others.

Original poster
lividmum · 30/05/2009 23:38

Shiney yes it's the blatant refusal to come home that gives me the biggest concern. The reason I say ground him for tomorrow is I can really only think one day ahead with him at the moment as the last time we grounded him he threatened to jump out of a high window (as we had closed off all other exits). Grounding doesn't really work with him unless we don't let him out of our sight for the whole time. Priviledges will definitely be taken away of course.

OP posts:
morningsun · 30/05/2009 23:39

x post with herbietea ~ agree re missing school trips.

RumourOfAHurricane · 30/05/2009 23:40

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JodieO · 30/05/2009 23:41

You will "try" to ground him for tomorrow? I'd ground him for a week at least and there would be no trying about it. I can't believe you let him get away with not coming home. I assume you have their number so I would call the police and tell him that I'd be doing so if he didn't tell me where he was right away. They'd soon find out where he was. No way he'd be staying out all night without my permisson at 14, not knowing where he is and having no parents there! It's insane.

3littlefrogs · 30/05/2009 23:44

Shineon - would the police be able to locate him if he switched his phone off, and lividmum didn't know the phone number, name or address of the parents or the girl?

Original poster
lividmum · 30/05/2009 23:44

Thanks very much for all your posts...sorry I'm so slow at replying. So most of you seem to think that I should track him down tonight rather than waiting until the morning and laying down the punishment. I am reluctant to start ringing around parents at this time of night.

OP posts:
Niftyblue · 30/05/2009 23:44

lividmum you need to try and get him home tonight
He needs to know he can`t get away with it

No point tomorrow as he has already got away with it
Or he will carry on doing it

morningsun · 30/05/2009 23:45

I think once they don't care about the effect they are having on you [or themselves],it is very difficult to control them and extra punishments just drive them further away.

The thing to remember is deep down they do care and to try to be on their side while also establishing control of their behaviour.

For example being truthful all week results in pc and mobile rights at the weekend.

WolframAlpha · 30/05/2009 23:46

I don't think a parent would mind answering that call at any time. I certainly wouldn't. Do you have a partner? What do they think about this if you do?

RumourOfAHurricane · 30/05/2009 23:47

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mamas12 · 30/05/2009 23:47

Yes do it tonight livid mum ring his phone to tell him what you are going to do and give him a time to get home then start ring ing everyone to ring more people because their dcs could be at this house too.

RumourOfAHurricane · 30/05/2009 23:49

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sleepyeyes · 30/05/2009 23:50

livid I would call/txt back and give him the choice either he starts making his way home NOW or you call all the friends parents that he is with and let them know what their children are up to and then you will be calling the police.
He wont want to get his friends in trouble and have they angry with him so he is more likely to cave with a threat like this rather than grounding.
Right now he knows you are powerless, you need to take charge and show him who's boss.

If grounding doesn't work take away all other privileges game consoles, pocket money, no new trainers/clothes for the forceable future, take away his mobile phone, make his curfew 7pm instead of 10pm. There are other punishments other than grounding, look at what is important to him and take that away, refusing to come home is serious and if he gets away with it now he will continue to do it and possibly worse.

herbietea · 30/05/2009 23:50

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morningsun · 30/05/2009 23:50

Ring him back and ask where he is.

Then say you will pick him up.

cherryblossoms · 30/05/2009 23:51

lividmum - you don't necessarily have to phone the parents as first port of call.

If he's with a group of friends at this girl's house, almost certainly some of them are going to be the ones whose numbers you already have.

You can try phoning a few of them, if you wish to take that course of action. And be scarey. They don't know you, so you can say that if they don't give you the address, next call is to their parents.

Having said that, your son might truly be humiliated by his mum doing that. So it's tricky.

I was concerned by your comment that he threatens to throw himself out of windows if you try to impose sanctions.

My friend's ds went through a phase of that. They have family therapy and it helped.

Good luck.

3littlefrogs · 30/05/2009 23:52

I agree with shineon - I would definitely want to know. And I have been in similar circumstances when my dss were around that age, but luckily rumbled them before things got too far.

catwalker · 30/05/2009 23:53

If I were you lividmum I would ring him back now and say, very calmly that, either he tells you where he is so you can collect him/order a taxi for him - or you will call the police and tell them that, not only is he missing, but you believe a group of children have been left overnight without an adult(make sure you sound convincing). And say that, once you've called the police, you will start ringing round everyone you can think of to see if they know where you are (and some of them will no doubt be asleep by now). If he still won't budge point out that the police will want to interview him when he does come home and that the girl's parents will be in big trouble. I'd also leave him in no doubt that his life won't be worth living for the next few weeks.

herbietea · 30/05/2009 23:53

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morningsun · 30/05/2009 23:54

I get the impression you are afraid of what a confrontation might mean.

Also that your son will be v angry if you ring friends and parents.

So ring him first and tell him you want him back tonight and to tell you where he is.

3littlefrogs · 30/05/2009 23:54

Good point herbietea - I would definitely ring that mum.