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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry that my son has lied to me about where he is staying tonight

180 replies

lividmum · 30/05/2009 23:16

Hope you can help me get some perspective on this.

DS1 (14) had a 10pm curfew tonight. He didn't make the curfew so I rang him and he said he was staying at his friend's house. I said I wasn't happy (as he had previously agreed the 10pm curfew) but OK as long as he wasn't still out and about at that time. I asked to speak to his friend's mum to check she was OK with that (we do this often to make sure our DSs are where they say they are) and he then blurted out that he was staying with another friend (a girl). I asked to speak to one of her parents as I don't know the girl and was told by my DS1 that I couldn't as they were out for the evening and not coming back until the morning. Apparantly her parents had told her she could have a couple of friends over but I am assuming they didn't mean half a dozen 13-14 year olds (boys) (I could hear other voices in the background).

Anyway the upshot of this is that he has refused to come home and I don't know where the girl lives so I've had no choice but to leave it at that and hope that they behave themselves.

What would you do? I'm just so cross (a) that he lied about it and (b) that he has refused my request to come home.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Original poster
lividmum · 31/05/2009 00:26

He was referred to CAMHS because of his anger issues which they are putting down to hormones and the fact that 18 months ago he looked like a boy and he now looks like a man. I understand that puberty is a horrible business to go through but nothing we do seems to make any difference.

I can see a pattern emerging and I know that if he gets away with this tonight then he'll do it again and again (or worse).

I really appreciate all your posts tonight. Thanks for taking the time to help.

OP posts:
mamas12 · 31/05/2009 00:30

Have you heard back from any other parents yet livid???

3littlefrogs · 31/05/2009 00:32

lividmum - I really have to go now - but I will be thinking of you. I have been where you are, and worse, there have been times when I have been in despair. You are not alone.

But I can tell you that we have come through it and my dss are now happy, successful and well adjusted young men - I can hardly believe what they put me through.

We had family counselling at one stage, and it helped, so it is worth exploring IMO.

I really hope you find him soon, and get through this.

Original poster
lividmum · 31/05/2009 00:33

Yes Custardo and morningsun I agree. That is the route I will take.

3littlefrogs - No problems at school until a few weeks ago when he was caught outside of school during last lesson with some of his friends. He has been placed on report for that and seems to have settled down.

As with most 14yo it is all about the friends and looking to impress.

Thanks for all your advice.

OP posts:
mamas12 · 31/05/2009 00:36

Are you actively looking for him now this minute livid?

Original poster
lividmum · 31/05/2009 00:37

3littlefrogs - thanks for your words of encouragement. Hopefully, in a few years time, I will be able to write those same words to someone else with similar problems.

OP posts:
morningsun · 31/05/2009 00:40

just to add my support lividmum,it's not an easy thing to deal with, but underneath the behaviour he is still the same person and your relationship will come through this,
all the bestxx

Original poster
lividmum · 31/05/2009 00:40

Mamas12 - yes he is not answering his phone so I have sent him a text.

OP posts:
mamas12 · 31/05/2009 00:43

Livid I don't envy you this night, my friends 14 yr ds did this and he was found in a flat where 19 yr old lived and invited younger brothers friends in and initiated them into the art of bongs and other paraphenalia, the ds was v. scared but didn't know how to get out of this situation and was so glad in the end that my friend searched and tracked him down.
Your dc needs to be found tonight and then sit down with him as suggested and discuss what he would think was an apporpiate punishment.

morningsun · 31/05/2009 00:44

what are bongs?

mamas12 · 31/05/2009 00:46

Also send support but you need to be ringing other parents, he will not/cannot answer you. Take control and get him safe then talk to him gently about his life and how he would like to be treated and discuss respect being a two way street.

mamas12 · 31/05/2009 00:47

Bongs are what you use to smoke dope through water with. Very powerful!

morningsun · 31/05/2009 00:50

Oh, thanks.

lividmum have you decided what to do tonight?

Do you know the girls full name?

Do you have his friends mob number?

Original poster
lividmum · 31/05/2009 00:55

I have sent him another text to say that if he does not call me back then I will have no option but to call the police as I don't know where he is and whether he is safe.

Do I call local police or 999?

OP posts:
morningsun · 31/05/2009 00:57

well how did he get there does that give a clue?
Is it near home do you think?

Original poster
lividmum · 31/05/2009 00:59

Near home I think as she is probably a friend from school.

OP posts:
morningsun · 31/05/2009 01:00

do you actually know which girl it is?

mamas12 · 31/05/2009 01:03

Get the number of the local police they may be alerted to a party already and if you inform them of the underage and home alone issues they might know wxactly who and where to go/see.

Original poster
lividmum · 31/05/2009 01:06

I know only her first name as he told me it tonight. I will call the local police. The fact that he has not responded under the threat of me calling the police is even more concerning.

OP posts:
morningsun · 31/05/2009 01:06

agree local police first maybe there will be a connecting number
is in BT book I think

morningsun · 31/05/2009 01:09

do you have his bfs mob number?

morningsun · 31/05/2009 01:11

don't panic he is probably asleep.

but still call local police ~unless you have another mob of a friend to quickly try first?

Original poster
lividmum · 31/05/2009 01:28

He has finally picked up his phone and I am going to pick him up. He was asleep and he doesn't sound like he's been drinking. The threat of me telling host's parents and the parents of all the others was enough to persuade him to come home.

Needless to say we will be having words and dishing out a suitable punishment.

Thanks so much for all your advice everyone.

OP posts:
Tortington · 31/05/2009 01:29

oh good

morningsun · 31/05/2009 01:37

oh good.
There will be times in the next year or two you won't know for sure he's safe ~ it will happen.

Try and get him to take responsibility and to listen to you.
But for him to listen you have to be calm,clear and fair!

well done!

hope the pickup goes OK

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