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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that mothering is completely different for people whose babies sleep

217 replies

tinierclanger · 26/05/2009 10:50

I know we're very lucky really, I have friends whose babies are ill, or have had bad reflux, and some who have split up with their partners.

But I still can't help thinking that those people I know who seem so sunny about the whole thing all the time, it's because they have babies who have slept through from a very young age. I love DS and we have great times together, but I think I would be loving it even more, and finding things so much easier, if he had been sleeping through. I feel quite divided from the sleeping-through mummies, like they have no understanding at all of what it's like to be permanently chasing sleep, and feeling guilty about feeding in the middle of the night.

AIBU really?

OP posts:
ladylush · 27/05/2009 20:33

Positive vibes - thanks Daisy

porcupine11 · 28/05/2009 09:14

At 8 months my DS is waking at least 5 times a night, yelling at top volume until he gets a bf to fall back to sleep again. This is rather embarrassing as we have been complaining to our neighbours about their teenage son's guitar playing

In the day, DS is a totally different baby - I can just put him in the cot and he'll fall asleep on his own for naps of 2 hrs+ (though I tend to wake him before that). Given that he knows how to go to sleep, I think no amount of sleep training will work.

Although I struggle to get up each morning, I'm not too bad during the day once I get going. I think accepting the pattern is key to keeping my sanity, and I often read Deborah Jackson's book Three in a bed to reassure myself that it's ok to let DS follow his natural pattern until he grows out of it. I feel better if I'm not fighting it all the time.

I disagree with Littleonemum. It is completely different as we parents of bad sleepers are doing all those exhausting things on top of broken sleep.

sayithowitis · 28/05/2009 11:25

YANBU. i was very fortunate in that both mine were great sleepers from the start. Both were sleeping 'through' from about four weeks. DS! would also sleep most of the day (still does - he's a teenager about to be student!) DS2 didn't sleep much, if at all, during the day, but I didn't care as I was getting good sleep at night. I know from friends and relatives how awful lack of sleep can be and I know I was so lucky with mine. I am sure that having a bad sleeper does affect your experience of early motherhood.

Chivers · 28/05/2009 14:55

YANBU. I sometimes think I've suffered permanent brain damage from acute sleep deprivation. Although my children generally sleep through now, I haven't recovered my memory, my ability to recoginise faces and names or the ability to think clearly about things - all of which came on quickly with extreme lack of sleep which extended over a long period of years. I'm a completely different person because of these things - and could never contemplate another child. I often wonder if people who go on to have 3 or 4 kids can have any idea about sleep deprivation.

sinpan · 28/05/2009 17:07

No one can imagine what it's like to be permanently sleep deprived until they've experienced it. YANBU

ManicMother7777 · 28/05/2009 17:30

YANBU. I completely agree.

This is why with ds1 I gave up bf - because on ff he would sleep and at the time, sleep took precedence and the quality of life improved for everyone.

I also wonder if there is a correlation between PND & sleep - do mothers whose babies sleep well still get PND?

misshardbroom · 28/05/2009 17:42

YANBU.

I haven't read the whole thread, I just could have written your OP myself. I adore my children but the severe, debilitating sleep deprivation we endured when they were very little has completely defined my parenting.

Shanster · 28/05/2009 17:45

Its all relative - DD used to sleep through the night (those days are gone)! My sister has a baby the same age who didn't...as she pointed out to me one morning, you can't be smug because they are all little b at some point.

Hannahcroft · 28/05/2009 20:06

I don't think anyone can judge what is better. sure there is always someone who says they have the perfect baby, my DS did sleep throught the night very young, that is she slept from about midnight till 6am, but I paid for it during the day, as she never slept more than 1/2 hour and always wanted to feed. She would BF on and off for hours in the evening as though preparing for her sleep and I was exhausted all the time. friends thought I was lucky that she slept so long at night, but there is always some payback and I never felt better off, or gloated about it. It wasn't better just different, I never got any rest during the day and if I left her she just cried and would not sleep. I think you just have to believe that it will get better and anyone who appears to have a model child is probably not telloing the whole truth.

nomoresleep · 28/05/2009 20:11

I completely agree with the OP. My DD was a dreadful sleeper. For the first year she would only nap for short periods in a sling if I kept walking and she woke constantly at night. She screamed most of the time she was awake through overtiredness.

It was a nightmare. I didn't enjoy my maternity leave, I was utterly exhausted, desperate, angry and depressed. I also felt like a total failure.

At 4 years old she still struggles and we co-sleep, but thankfully she is lovely and I'm enjoying being her mum now.

DS is 7 weeks old and is showing signs of being a bad sleeper too.

Lack of sleep affected the gap we have between children (4 years) and how many children we will have (cannot face any more). It has definitely affected my experience of mothering.

LOU0885 · 28/05/2009 20:56

WOW! I feel so sorry for all of you guys! I just thought everybody's babies grew out of waking up through the night automatically!! How ignorant am i!!? My son is 2 years old and He has slept the whole night since 10 weeks old! Apart from when he is ill of course but apart from that he is a saint at sleeping! He got up, the other day, at 1pm!!! He has a routine through the day, goes to bed between 7-8pm. If he wakes early, which for him is 6-8am, he has an afternoon nap which i have to wake him from or he would have up to 3 hours! Guess my boy just likes his bed/sleep! Hope he doesn't grow out of it anytime soon, it sounds miserable when you get deprived of sleep!! As my son doesn't have relatives that he stays over at weekends, he is with me 24/7 so i guess its lucky that i get a break through him sleeping good. I hope your babies start sleeping better soon!

cheeseycharlie · 29/05/2009 08:56

YABU IMO

Even if the little darlings sleep through from an early stage, these mummies will still have gone through the pant-wetting terror of the early weeks of having no clue what they are doing and trying to suss things out and make complex decisions (eg how to get self into and out of shower) on no sleep at all, so they can still relate even if their sleep difficulties passed earlier than yours.

Some mums have no sleep but help from hubby and/or family, some have sleepy babies but have to do it all on their own - who has it worse really? Don't resent other mums just because they have lucked out in one department.

Original poster
tinierclanger · 29/05/2009 09:31

Hi cheeseycharlue, it isn't really about resentment, it's about separation, so I think you've slightly misinterpreted my original post. But I get your point!

OP posts:
morningpaper · 29/05/2009 09:34

YANBU - the lack of sleep was the BIGGEST change for me from the pre-parenting life. I have had 7 years and had a solid night's sleep for perhaps 10 nights of that?

And mine never napped in the day for more than 40 minutes or so - I used to be in awe of people whose children slept for 2-3 hours during the day! I used to wonder why they didn't get a bloody job!

TheFallenMadonna · 29/05/2009 09:42

Neither of mine slept through the night until as babies, but while DS was fed every two hours, for half an hour, and then screamed for at least another half an hour before going back to sleep for maybe an hour before it all started again, DD would get it over with in 10 minutes, lie in her cot and gurgle happily before dropping back off, often after me, and would only wake perhaps twice between 10 and 7am. God it was fantastic

superlambbanana · 29/05/2009 13:38

YANBU - but I think what goes around comes around - dd didn't sleep through till about 8 months and then not really until over a year (it was hit and miss). But now she is a gorgeous 19 months and sleeps 12 hours at night and 2 hours in day. It will happen and all the smug mummies will have horrible toddlers. You'll see.

Karola · 29/05/2009 14:08

what gets me the most is the constant change. One week its 12 hours sleep, undisturbed and peaceful, next week she is up every two hours. I usually don't know why (teething, nightmares, tummy ache???) but that really gets me...
Once I got used to a good 7-8 hours then going back to waking up 4-5 times is just awful.

misshardbroom · 29/05/2009 14:32

no, it's not about resentment, it's just about completely different expectations.

On several occasions in the dark days of no sleep, people would say to me 'Oh no, I just couldn't have that'.... as though I had any choice!!

I felt like saying to them 'oh really, couldn't you? What would you do then, sell them on ebay and get a different baby?'

BirdyBedtime · 29/05/2009 14:41

YANBU - and that is coming from a mum of 2 who both slept through from fairly early. I consider myself incredibly lucky as I know things would have been infinitely harder without sleep, and actually I don't know how I would have coped. But, the strange thing is that I have often felt left out as I can't contribute to the conversations about sleep deprivation that often take place at mum and baby groups etc where I just end up saying nothing as I don't want to sound smug and probably end up looking unfriendly instead.

happychic · 29/05/2009 15:11

If you have a good sleeper, never be smug - it can change at the drop of a hat.

My 23 month old previously star-sleeper (down at 7pm and woke at 7-7.30am) has just suddenly changed. She does not want to go to sleep and launched herself out of her cot 3 times, so we have had to convert it to the 'big girls' bed. She has been waking several times in the night and is fully awake before 6am. I am hoping that it is a phase and things will settle again soon.

Sleep deprivation is a terrible thing and affects all sorts of things, no wonder it has been used as a form of torture!

Here's hoping that every Mum has a full nights sleep tonight. x

Ninkynork · 29/05/2009 15:18

"On several occasions in the dark days of no sleep, people would say to me 'Oh no, I just couldn't have that'.... as though I had any choice!!

I felt like saying to them 'oh really, couldn't you? What would you do then, sell them on ebay and get a different baby?'"

So true, misshardbroom, and so annoying. Along with, "I couldn't put up with that, I need at least eight undisturbed hours every night!"
As if I didn't, after 18 months of it!

misshardbroom · 29/05/2009 17:38

pmsl at Ninkynork's name. Will now never be able to watch ITNG again without thinking of it.

(you see, this is what half a decade of sleep deprivation does, you actually look forward to seeing IgglePiggle)

jabberwocky · 29/05/2009 17:49

YANBU, I totally agree with the poster who said she felt like she had permanent brain damage from lack of sleep. Both of my boys were horrible, waking every two hours until 2 years old sleepers. And now at 2.5 after just a few precious months of sleep, ds2 is transitioning out of his crib and back to waking once a night

I felt almost vicious towards a smug relative who kept going on and on about what a fabulous sleeper her son is. Probably wouldn't have gotten so emotional but she knew about the severe sleep deprivation we had gone through

deste · 29/05/2009 22:42

My DD (4 months) used to sleep from 5.15 through till 8.00 in the morning. I had to waken her after 5 or 6 hour naps through the day and like the poster above I was bored. She was an absolute dream baby. When she got older I could sit her in her bouncer and she would have sat happily all morning on her own. (I didn't of course). Before anyone says anything she was the second baby. My son (first baby) never slept more than twenty minute naps through the day and slept once all night at 4 months and never again till he was two years and 10 months. As someone said you are like a zombie, constantly feeling dizzy and you cant think straight. You dont realise how bad it is till they sleep the first night through and you feel like a different person. I did have 9 years between them.

Lishylooloo · 31/05/2009 21:25

I have a great sleeper here but I can promise you all that I'm not smug -I thank my lucky stars every day! DD stated doing 7 or 8 hours in a row at 8 weeks and was going from 7.30pm to 7.30am by 3 months. She's now 13 months and she still does 2 naps a day one which is 2 hours long. Of course we have blips from time to time when she wakes in the night and that's when my heart goes out to all of you who have babies who do that every night. I will never be smug about it because lack of sleep I know is just the worst. I'm 3 months pg now and fingers crossed No.2 will be just as good. If it's any conoslation, DD is a TERRIBLE eater...!

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