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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that mothering is completely different for people whose babies sleep

217 replies

tinierclanger · 26/05/2009 10:50

I know we're very lucky really, I have friends whose babies are ill, or have had bad reflux, and some who have split up with their partners.

But I still can't help thinking that those people I know who seem so sunny about the whole thing all the time, it's because they have babies who have slept through from a very young age. I love DS and we have great times together, but I think I would be loving it even more, and finding things so much easier, if he had been sleeping through. I feel quite divided from the sleeping-through mummies, like they have no understanding at all of what it's like to be permanently chasing sleep, and feeling guilty about feeding in the middle of the night.

AIBU really?

OP posts:
Original poster
tinierclanger · 27/05/2009 10:11

Wow, thank you all for your responses!

You know, some nights DS sleeps better than others and he has slept through occasionally, but only rarely (he's 10m now). So I can tell some of you have it a LOT worse than me, and I have to confess I have also had some 'granny help'. So I'm not pleading for sympathy, as it could be a lot worse, but I feel relieved to know it isn't just me that feels divided by the non-sleep experience.

I sometimes wonder if it would have been easier if I was younger (am late 30s). And the non-sleep has also been an contributing factor to making me feel pretty sure we won't have a 2nd as I just don't think I could cope. It's not too bad at the moment but between 4 and 6 months I was a walking zombie and was a bit of a danger in the daytime from the sleep deprivation.

I do adore DS though and do enjoy motherhood, I haven't regretted it in the slightest. I guess I have just sometimes felt resentful that I just couldn't enjoy things as much as I should be doing because of being so tired. I think the exhaustion in the daytime as well when trying to find a way to get him to nap was awful, and at least the day naps are better now he's older as he just needs less!

AS grumblingalong says, it's that's loss of the baby time and what we could have had then that is hard. That's where I envy the sleeping-through mummies. And I know some people do exaggerate their babies sleep, but I know also there really are babies that sleep well from the start as some of them belong to close friends of mine!

OP posts:
snickersnack · 27/05/2009 10:27

Neither of mine have been good sleepers, but they?ve both been bad in their own unique ways. DD was a good napper and a dream to settle in the evening, but woke for a feed every 3 hours until she was nearly 1. And towards the end of that period, she would take up to an hour to settle back afterwards. At 4.5 she still wakes in the night around once or twice a week and often ends up in our bed.

DS was worse in many ways ? hates going to sleep, rubbish napper, and woke for night feeds until around 18 months. He?s now pretty good at nearly 2, though he wakes up stupidly early ? around 5.50am at the moment.

When one of them gets ill (which is frequently), they are basically awake all night. So much for sick children sleeping a lot ? not a chance. Ds is perfectly capable of sleeping in 30 minute bursts punctuated by 45 minutes of wailing when he?s under the weather.

4.5 years of more or less disrupted sleep has pretty much permanently destroyed my ability to sleep properly. I wake in the night and struggle to get back to sleep now even when the dcs are snoring soundly. I can?t remember what it?s like not to feel a bit tired and foggy. I long ago stopped resenting people whose babies sleep well. My two are delightful and sparky and fairly easy in most other respects, so I?m grateful for that. But I do find it hard to be sympathetic sometimes ? I have a friend who complains that her 8 month old wakes at 6.30am, having gone to bed at 7. She was asking me for tips to get him to sleep for longer?

Upwind · 27/05/2009 10:46

YANBU

What is extremely annoying is those fortunate friends explaining what you are doing wrong, that if you only do x,y,z like they do the baby will sleep.

Not mine. I genuinely don't understand how she can need so little sleep.

nzbabies · 27/05/2009 10:50

I have been wondering if it is possible to co-sleep and breastfeed to sleep, and totally go with the flow of the baby - and get a good sleeper? My first ds has been a shocking sleeper and I did all of the above. My new dd has slept from 11 - 6 a couple of nights and I am also doing all of the above with her - but I am scared that if I continue the way I did with ds it will all go wrong...or is it possible that she could just be a good sleeper no matter what? Or should I get her in her own bed now and stop feeding her to sleep, quick!

littleM · 27/05/2009 10:55

DS1 is 5 weeks old and woke up every 2 hours last night - I dream of the 4 hours uninterrupted sleep I used to get with DD1.

DS1 is sleeping now so I should be in bed!

dizietsma · 27/05/2009 10:55

YANBU it's really hard.

However, I think a lot of competitive mums fib about how much junior actually sleeps. I've had confirmation that some of my post-natal pals did lie, it's silly really because WTF is the point of a post-natal support group if not to support each other through the tough times?

dingledangle · 27/05/2009 10:59

YANBU sleep deprivation is hard. As it has/is used as a form of torture I can see why.....

Need I say more......(!!!!)

duchesse · 27/05/2009 12:10

Upwind- my sister lectured me at great length about three months after having her first about how hard she'd worked to get her to sleep 20 hours a day, and how obviously I just hadn't worked hard enough to get mine to sleep well. Two years later she was eating her words when her second turned out to be a normal non-sleeping monster.

ladylush · 27/05/2009 12:38

Lying about how well your child sleeps - how bizarre I just don't get it. I was more than happy to share just how badly ds slept.

RidgewayLass · 27/05/2009 13:10

DD is coming up to two years and I have averaged about five hours broken sleep the whole time. I have put her number one and we have had a wonderful time, but the rest of my life is a mess especially work. Most days I struggle to remember my name, I look a fright, it's impossible to get going in the morning. Some days I have to rule myself unfit to drive.

And mine doesn't need less sleep than other babies, she just has to have a pitch black, silent room, a strict routine, and an hour's calm down time in dim light. But it's actually really hard to organise a all that when you are so tired you can't walk in a straight line.

Hugs to all the tired mammas!

K75 · 27/05/2009 13:15

Ah how worrying; no 2 nearly here and I think I am due the non sleeper!!!

No 1 was an angel, through and yes I mean 7pm-7am from 7 weeks. Sorry!! Her father needs 10 hours sleep a day, as does his whole family, who even in their 80s sleep in till 10am! Genetic I think; anyway, nothing I did.

Am however, convinced no 2 won't be so kind and yes, I am sure it's horrid. I remember how bad the first 4 weeks were, I need my sleep.

missmapp · 27/05/2009 13:28

I think that, in the end, all children sleep about the same, just at different times!! In my groupp of friends with children ds1s age ( 4) there was huge variation. Some LOS sleppt through at ridiculous ages, others only slept for 20mins at a time, but as they grew up the sleep changed. The baby who only slept for 20 mins kept her afternoon nap til much later than the others and the babies who slept well went through stages of waking when they were put into a bed. Ds1 slept reasonably as a baby, but dropped his afternoon nap at about 22mths, so its swings and roundabouts. Dont judge others as you dont know what is about to come your way

LackaDAISYcal · 27/05/2009 13:45

lol ladylush ....I am also only too willing to drone on about my lack of sleep to any poor soul who inquires about DS's sleep routine. Misery loving company and all that

choklit · 27/05/2009 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LouieStrumpet · 27/05/2009 16:24

I remember crying a few times going to bed at night in the first year of ds's life, as I knew I was going to be up several times in the next few hours.

Sleep deprivation changed who I was, I became obssessed with sleep, grumpy, able to cry easily and it definitely aggravated my mild depression.

Finally at 2 my ds is sleeping from 8 until 7 and I feel like I am able to do more than just exist and get through each day as I am not so tired.

But it annoys me that before the birth some people make a joke of how little sleep you are going to get - it's not bloody funny!

So YANBU

LittleOneMum · 27/05/2009 16:30

I don't think it is 'completely different' as the OP says. My DS has been a brilliant sleeper from the start. However, this doesn't mean I am not permanently exhausted by other things; f/t job, running to childcare and back, chores, sorting out all things family related, etc etc. I do still feel pretty exhausted all the time (ooops, maybe a new DC is not really an option then?)

halfasleep · 27/05/2009 16:52

my 13 month old doesn't sleep through the nights. he wakes up one or twice depending on how he feels - teething, colds etc.

i think we have had 2 nights of uninterrupted sleep since his arrival.

most mothers i know reckon their little ones sleep from 7pm till the morning.

while i find it hard not to compare myself with all babies are individuals and i am sure they go thru patterns of sleeping well. i hope anyway!!!

ladylush · 27/05/2009 18:40

Daisy - he is an angel now though It's only taken 5 years Next one is due in September. I'm terrified

DuchessOfAvon · 27/05/2009 19:36

DD1 was a nightmare to get to sleep but once asleep, stayed asleep - and was sleeping through (7pm-6am) from 7 months.

DD2 is a disaster. At 8 months my longest unbroken stretch of sleep has been around 3.5 hours. She still wakes at least twice a night and day time naps are erratic.

The double-whammy of a bad sleeper and a demanding toddler very nearly pushed me over the edge. I became so ANGRY and very nearly violent towards the children and myself. I had days where we drove for three hours because, if they were in the back seat and I was driving I couldn't hit them. I can cope with stress but sleep deprivation was too much.

Now I just about get by but if DD2 had been my first, I wouldn't have had another. The last 8 months have been the hardest of my life.

DuchessOfAvon · 27/05/2009 19:37

Sorry - ought to add that I have never and would never hit the kids - but I could feel the devil rising in me and knew I had to take pre-emptive action.

I did genuinely come close to losing my mind.

LackaDAISYcal · 27/05/2009 20:06

Congratulations ladylush . I remember you from the miscarriage threads when I was pregnant with DD; I was daisybump then

ladylush · 27/05/2009 20:12

Thanks Daisy - yes I do remember you You were a great support. I try to ground myself every so often by thinking how lucky we are to have the opportunity of another dc but as it gets closer I panic about the sleep deprivation and the ensuing chaos - untidy house, me in my dressing gown til midday etc. etc. Maybe this one will be an angel [hopeful emoticon]

NotmyELFtoday · 27/05/2009 20:14

People who say their babies sleep through from an early age get their comeuppance, trust me. I have written down in a baby book that DD slept through a less than 10 weeks. Tootling around my friends saying DD was great and slept well.
Came and bit me on the ass when she was 18 months old and sleep became a battle of the wills, and I'd spend up to three/four hours in her room trying to get her to sleep, and several times up in the night. Researching every sleep website and considering getting in a sleep trainer. Begging for help on mumsnet as I was at the end of my tether.
So, when you have friends who say their baby sleeps early on, remind them of the cautionary tale that is NotmyELFtoday.

Cathpot · 27/05/2009 20:25

I have this conversation with DH ie just imagine if we'd had sleepers. It has been 4 and a half years (with the exception of a handful of nights away) since I have been able to go to bed and know I will not have to get up in the night. After a bad run of nights I sometimes dread going to sleep as I know that horrible feeling of being woken from a deep sleep is the next thing I will feel.

I survive it now as DD1 at 2.4 transformed suddenly to perfect sleeper and DD2 now sometimes only wakes once, but it is hugely dull. I suppose at least now I have faith it will end and I will one day have the pleasure of expecting a full night's sleep. At least recently DD2 has started reliably getting from 7pm to past midnight so she has become babysittable which is a big step forward.

It is impossible not to obsess about it and it is always there as a pressure on your adult time in the evening because if you arent in bed before half 10 you are going to be in bits the next day. I really feel for working mums with poor sleepers- it must be much worse to have to function professionally when you feel like a zombie and it is a significant factor in the fact I am still a SAHM.

I think most new mums expect to have sleepless nights, but I do think there is a divide if you have extended poor sleepers- there is only so long you can complain about it. I tend to only talk about it now to fellow sufferers!

LackaDAISYcal · 27/05/2009 20:31

I'll keep an eye out for your birth announcement then ladylush, and i'm sure this one will be a breeze

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