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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a bit put out at friends telling me, at the end of my impromptu visit, that they 'like to be telephoned before anyone pops in'?

500 replies

Scrumplet · 25/05/2009 19:22

I'd understand if we'd turned up planning to stay for hours. But DS and I were in the area, and it would have seemed rude not to pop in for 10 minutes, IYSWIM. So we did, and they welcomed us in, and we chatted for 10 minutes in the garden - and then they said, "We prefer visitors to call before they pop in." They were washing up when we arrived.

Anyhow, I feel like a dog with its tail between its legs. I don't mind (in fact, rather like) friends descending on us for brief, impromptu visits - but that's me, I suppose. Were we being unreasonable to just pop in for a few minutes, unannounced?

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 25/05/2009 20:19

and i am really surprised that people don't even pop in to family!
i'm always surprising my mum with visits lol. and if she isn't in we let ourselves in anyway and have tea and biscuits mwahahhahaa

brimfull · 25/05/2009 20:21

yes honesty is needed
not false niceness..makes it awkward

Thunderduck · 25/05/2009 20:21

I'm socially awkward anyway. And I find it very difficult to turn people away at the door.

I do have friends but I prefer to go out for a coffee or to the cinema or theatre with them when I see them, rather than go to their house or to host in mine.

saintlydamemrsturnip · 25/05/2009 20:25

I'm with gg and whitefish.

I would have felt mortified too. I only ever pop in on people I know really well though- but it sounds like these friends are in that category.

Paolosgirl · 25/05/2009 20:26

But surely your long term close friends know this, and wouldn't just pop in?

Thunderduck · 25/05/2009 20:26

Generally they do, but some persist, and friends I've made at college do it.

paranoidmother · 25/05/2009 20:29

I find that I can't turn up at peoples houses without calling first. I have friends that do it and I don't mind sometimes them doing it to me, but I can't do it to them as they've said how they hate it when it has been done in the past. Perhaps I can't do it as I like to be over planned for everything and can't stand the thought of throwing someone elses plans.

At least they have told you this for future, they might only have been washing up but the rest of the days plans always seem slightly askew after that.

I think they'd have been better off saying next time you're coming this way why don't you call first in case we're not here, then we'll get to spend more time together. Perhaps a nicer way of saying.

flappybitsoskin · 25/05/2009 20:30

eh? well they could have just not answered the door. Hope you said that it wouldn't be an issue in future as you have no intention of visting them again. ever

WhatToDoIAsk · 25/05/2009 20:32

Because I do see people socially, I enjoy the time I have to myself. Hence why I dislike popper inners.
A question to people who work full time. Do you like popper inners?

Original poster

Scrumplet · 25/05/2009 20:34

thisisyesterday, you hit the nail on the head. I wouldn't mind a jot if, when I arrived, they had said, "Sorry, it's not a good time." Or even, if they didn't answer the door but the cars were there, I could take the hint.

I think I felt miffed that I was welcomed in by him, while she was washing up. They chatted (him more friendly than her TBH - her a bit frosty) and we took a nosey around the garden, admiring the veggies, and there's me saying, "Ooh, they're growing well aren't they?" General chit chat. And then he says, quite seriously: "We like visitors to call before they pop in." I felt awkward. And she was still washing up as I left, just to indicate how brief the visit was. I found him a bit rude and even anal, TBH.

And we have each seen the other's house in a complete mess, so I know tidying up beforehand wouldn't have been an issue.

In days of old (pre-telephone), I reckon the middle and upper classes would have sent letters/telegrams to organise formal visits and had maids to send unwanted impromptu visitors away - and everyone else would have been popping in unannounced. Surely it can't have been any other way?

OP posts:

AitchTwoOh · 25/05/2009 20:35

i buzz first (from a street or so away just to check they're in etc) but i do think your friend is rude.

WhatToDoIAsk · 25/05/2009 20:37

OP I still couldn't say 'we prefer visitors to call before popping in'. Sounds quite patronising, I can understand your discomfort.

paranoidmother · 25/05/2009 20:38

I have friend A who called in to see friend B. B was bf new 1 wk old baby and didn't answer door. A went round all the windows of the house, until she saw B and then watched through window till B stopped and let her in. So some popper inners can be creepy!!!!

I find it's also difficult with DC's to find a good time to call by even for 5 minutes. 5 minutes always turns into half an hour, at our house it's always at meal times or DC school run times that people hang around at. Even when food is on plates and on table they won't go - and they have been offered food.

I would love to be able to pop into friends and know it was ok but just can't do it.

MollieO · 25/05/2009 20:38

I would always call first. The only person whose house I would just turn up at is my mum.

Have you done this before to this friend? If so then I understand why they have said something.

SalLikesCoffee · 25/05/2009 20:38

I grew up in an area where it would be perfectly acceptable to just pop in, but seem to have changed over the years into panicking if someone knocks on the door unannounced and wants to come in!

Even if I'd actually be walking past a friend's front door, I'd text from the corner to say I might be passing later and seeing whether she's in / free.

As to whether or not I get a lot of visits / visit a lot myself - well, I think so, but then again, I really like it when it's just "us", so maybe I just don't notice I've got no friends!

paranoidmother · 25/05/2009 20:40

I wonder if pre-mobiles/phones everything was more laid back approach to life meant we all did pop in etc. You couldn't work all the time or pop to the shops anytime, so we all had more time for each other.

SalLikesCoffee · 25/05/2009 20:41

Oh sorry, and back to your actual question:
I don't actually think you are being unreasonable to be upset - mainly because I think she trumped you by saying what she did! I'd be tempted not to bother with future visits there, it's a bit of a hurtful thing to say.

(Except if they were having sex, of course, in which case... )

BigBellasBeerBelly · 25/05/2009 20:42

I don't like it when people who pop in.

It has only happened a couple of times.

But I like to be warned - the 10 mins is precious - have a quick tidy up, change out of snot covered saggy trackie bottoms, look in mirror.

My parents live 10 mins up the road and I always call before going to see them. To check they're in, not about to have a sleep, in the middle of something.

Just manners innit?

On the couple of occasions it has happened I have felt very much caught on the hop and really embarassed and exposed somehow.

Maybe that's just me. Give me 10 mins though and I'm fine.

brimfull · 25/05/2009 20:43

OP-I bet they were having a domestic

DottyDot · 25/05/2009 20:44

Hmm. I hate people popping in - even best friends/family (especially family..!) but wouldn't have said that...

dp loves people popping in however, and wishes she lived in the 19whatevers when people popped in all the time and chatted over the garden gate and all that.

texting beforehand is probably a good middle ground approach. If I got a text from someone on their way round I'd be much less peeved than if they just popped round.

but I'm a miserable old git at times..!

Original poster

Scrumplet · 25/05/2009 20:47

MollieO - no, I haven't done this before with this friend. They are old friends, but because they don't have kids and work full-time, and because I do have DS so when they're home in the evening, I'm cooking tea and getting him to bed, etc - impromptu visits simply haven't been an option.

However, with it being a day off for all today, and us being in their part of town, we thought we'd chance it. I was quite that it was an issue, TBH.

We have weekly meet-ups scheduled, so I do see them regularly. I simply hadn't twigged that they don't do spontaneous visits.

OP posts:

Thunderduck · 25/05/2009 20:48

Perhaps it's better that they were honest and that it's out in the open now. Though their timing could have been better.

SalLikesCoffee · 25/05/2009 20:54

I'd be hurt if I were you, but looking at it from the outside - don't take it personally. Perhaps they just felt that you were such close friends that they could be honest.

And honestly a lot of people (myself included, as said before) would prefer advance notice. In my case, and I suspect most others, it's just the way I am - not reflecting on the friends or timing or whatever.

sleepyeyes · 25/05/2009 20:57

LOL Thunderduck another Glaswegian born, its so true when people "pop" around the host really is expected to make them very comfortable with food, drink and entertainment for HOURS. Plus you must seem to be really grateful to guests for the great honor of their company.

DH and I can't stand people turning up unannounced especially as we are TTC shagging whenever we get the chance, bit of a pain when PIL and BIL live so close by and are always popping and have to await till we put some clothes on.

OP: They really shouldn't have been so rude especially as you didn't even step inside there house!

JJ · 25/05/2009 20:57

I agree with KerryMaid. Not impolite to pop in, but if it you did and they aren't the kind to like it, not impolite to tell you so, although ideally they would have worked out something to say before letting you in the house.

I'm not sure what the big deal is. I don't pop in but my friends do to me. If I like them and have time, I will stop what I'm doing. If they're not someone I particularly like or know that well, I'd probably say that it'd be best to ring first next time.

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