Need the MN Jury because I am so angry I've lost all sense of perspective.

[NeedMNJury]

Right, basic facts.

On Saturday some friends came up to stay for a night. She's a very close old friend from where we used to live, her dcs are similar ages to mine, our dh's get along, we haven't met up since the beginning of December so we decided to meet at our house.

They arrived early afternoon. We had lunch in the garden, a few drinks while the dcs played, all very relaxed and fun.

About 3pm dh receives a text from an old mate of his whose mum lives in our village. Does DH fancy a quick drink in the pub about 4pm?

DH hasn't seen this mate since the mate's dad's funeral at the end of November so we agreed that DH and Friend's DH would go and meet up with this mate in the pub while Friend and I took all 5 dcs for a walk with the dog then met them at the pub.

We duly turned up at the pub about 5pm. The 3 blokes were settled in nicely with their 2nd pint. Friend and I got drinks for ourselves and the dcs and spent the next hour dealing with dcs in the way that you do when you have 2x5yos, 2x 3yos and 1x 2yo with you in a public place. Pushing them on the swings, resolving fights, trying to stop them annoying the rest of the customers, etc.

The 3 blokes got through another 2 pints while we there and then the dcs got to the point about 6:30 where they really needed to go home. The 3 blokes still had about half a pint left to drink so Friend and I said that we'd start walking back with the dcs as long as they finished their drinks and came straight back.

I think so far I've been pretty reasonable, no? He's had time in the pub, dc-less. He's had a good couple of hours to catch up with his mate and have a few beers, now it's time for him to reassume parental duties.

The usually 15 minute walk home takes us 35 minutes because the dcs are knackered and getting stroppy. 2yo is in a buggy so at one point I'm carrying my 3yo on my shoulders while pushing the buggy, friend is carrying her 3yo while ensuring the 5yos don't get run over because there are no footpaths in our village.

By the time we get home there is still no sign of them.

I get the blow up mattress out of the garage (should have been DH's job), go upstairs and discover that at some point, unbeknown to us, 3 of them have snaffled the little packets of sugar from the pub and emptied them all over dc1's room.

So now I have to hoover the whole of dc1's room, blow up the mattress, make the bed, then get 3 exhausted dcs into bed. On my Own.

Friend did a great job of keeping them calm downstairs while I sorted upstairs.

DH and Friend's DH finally roll in about an hour and a quarter after we left the pub, just as we were getting the dcs upstairs.

DH puts our older 2 to bed while I deal with the 2yo who by that point has entirely lost the plot and has a screaming tantrum for half an hour before collapsing in exhaustion and I get him into bed.

DH has got the meal cooked by the time I get back downstairs (it was already made, he only had to put rice on and reheat the casserole) so we sit down to eat.

I manage about half of mine before dc3 starts crying. So up I go.

10 minutes later I come down. Couple more mouthfuls.

Dc2 starts crying, so up I go.

10 minutes later I come down. Couple more mouthfuls.

Dc3 starts crying again, so up I go.

All bloody evening.

I finally got to bed at 2 AM having not spent more than 15 minutes downstairs talking to my friends.

I was so bloody angry with him. I had to be civil with him yesterday while Friend was still here but in the evening I brought it up and he said he wasn't being unreasonable about it because he hadn't seen his mate for months and they stayed for longer because they were 'catching up'. Bear in mind that his mate currently spends about half the week at his mum's in our village so they have ample opportunity to meet up again pretty imminently.

I pointed out that I hadn't seen Friend for that long either and that I was quite looking forward to catching up with her with being constantly interrupted by dcs but I didn't get to do it because of him.

I then stormed off and went to bed so I'm still steaming about it today.

AIBU to be fuming and want him to apologise and accept he was completely out of order?

Well there you are . You don't feel you need to communicate with him about how you are feeling, never mind his responsibilites as a parent. I think you are confusing the 2.

OK

What did your friend do when her husband also refused to leave?

Could you and your friend have spent this morning together?

(I am just trying to suggest Useful Strategies in case this happens again)

But really, I think you need to talk to him. You are quite sure you ANBU.

I think non sleeping children is par for the course when you have friends with kids to stay. the excitement always means lack of sleep although if your very very lucky you sometimes get a lie in

But OP, regardless of whether that was the agreement or not you had the opportunity to take the dc home as soon as you realised DH was dithering for whatever reason he was, he was dithering and you had 3 dc to get to bed. A few months ago a friend came to visit and we went to the pub with them and our ds's, ds2 was getting grumpy so I came home with him and left DP, DS1 and our friend in the pub.

How do you feel after all this NeedMNjury? Any clearer? Will you EVER forgive him?

Op, when he came home he did dinner and put the kids to bed, he did his bit in my eyes, how is that not helping? You decided to play the victim as far as I can see and that isn't helpful.
You started this because you though you might have got things out of perspective. You have been told but certain posters that you have, yet you argue against this.
You clearly don't believe for a minute that you need any perspective on this, you believe you are right.

also there was nothing stopping you anf your friend from having cocktails in the garden lor lounge while the men slept off their pints

Kittywise - this was what I was getting at.

So, you haven't seen your friend since december, husband not seen his since november, so you both wanted catch up time

you left pub and got home just after 7 as the 15 min walk took 35 mins. they left the pub hour after you, so got back 7:45, we are talking 40 mins, bedtime is only an hour later than normal

He then puts 2 children to bed and finishes the dinner, not that drunk then

Children refuse to settle, I would imagine that is more to do with over excitement with having visitors, not because bedtime is a little later - no ones fault, just a price of having friends to stay

The children won't settle for him, difficult but not husbands fault either,

Is it worth all this angst for one hour??? It looks to me your are blaming him for every little thing that went wrong. In future, I would earmark a couple of hours for yourself and go have friend time without men or children

NeedMNJury, please post in relationships, there are more feminists amongst the posters there who actually believe in equality between the sexes.

i dont think yabu.

but knowin that the nice side of him disappears ( you mentionm this like its done often in social circs) when he has a drink and he reverts to being single...knowing that, then walking out of the pub with the kids and leaving him there was like handing a 3 yo a chocolate bar and asking him not to eat it.

whilst i understand that she isn't his mummy and that he should be a grown man - some men just arent. some men get beer and although they ae perfect the rest of the time, when beer is involved they are utter shits - and you end up 'managing' the situation.

if i sat back and said "well my dh is an adult - he should act responsibly" whilst its a nice tag line to formal adulthood, it just doesn't apply to some men.

so no, its not your fauly your dh sees beer and is a prize prick.

you knew it was going to be so the minute he went to the pub thought right?

if you recognise that this is how he is - you didn't manage the situation very well.

the kids only calling for you...well i don't know what thats about but i can tell you this...i wouldnt be up down up fucking down stairs to my kids all night - unless they had a serious illness.

so the kids were whiney - and thats not anyones fault - lots of small children make the day horible - its just how it is.

I'm very and a bit at the generalisations about gender roles and mens behaviour shown on this thread.

Women not saying what they really mean or want. Men being irresponsible and incapable of looking after their own children. Blah blah.

Many normal couples do not have a split like this. Many normal couples have reasonable expectations of what the other will do in certain situations. Many normal couples will say straight what they mean to the other person rather than leaving them to second guess what is going on.

This is all so silly.

bigchris
Have you ever tried to have cocktails in the garden when 5 DC aged 5 and under rampage around you? I am not sure that the OP would find that particularly relaxing.

I don't know why the OP is getting such a hard time. (except that it is AIBU, next time ask for advice on Relationships, OP)

OP
This is an ongoing problem, no? Then it needs addressing. It is unfair of your DH to wallop down a couple of pints then abdicate the childcare responsibilities to you. My DH and I take turns, or we go out together when the DC are at the grandparents' house. Could you do that?

She could have said "Listen you bastards, we had a miserable evening with the children unsettled, please take them out to the park/for a walk for the morning"

or

Gone out for breakfast

or

taken a picnic and gone out for breakfast

These DO seem to be options if she was desperate for some time to talk together - surely?

The pub thing seems minor compared to what happened between when he got home and 2am. Why didn't he help out? Why didn't you ask him?

TBH I would have said, in the pub, "right we're going, drink up" and they would have drunk their pints and we would all have left.

Maybe getting some take-outs for later

I would not have left them to come under their own steam. And if the situation were reversed DH wouldn't have expected me to either.

It's not infantilising anyone, it's just common sense.

he didn't help out becuase he was too pissed and the kids only like mummy soothing them at bedtime apparently

he was too pissed becuase he went to the pub - something she knew would happen as soon as he went.

so in llogic land - its his fault for not being a grown up and saying to self " i am a twat when i go to the pub"

but in his head it goes " pub - no kids - fucking YEAH BABY - get pissed, no kids FUCKING YEAH BABY"

in your situation when the phbone call came i think i would have put on my poshest voice and said " i don't fucking think so darling, do you?" smile and continue with the stuffed olives.

But Custy he came home 40 minutes after the wifeys, cooked dinner, and put two of the children to bed

n.b. wifeys is ironic

in pub getting wankered - leaving her and mate to have horrible time with kids.

up and down all night with kids becuase he is wankered and they only like mummy..{wtf}

he might have done a bit - but he got wankered

and she knew he would

so i think he is a thoughless knob - and she is a muppet.

It thought OP said he didn't help out in the late evening because the children only settle with mum?? Not because he was pissed

If he put two to bed and cooked/finished cooking dinner, he couldn't have been that bad

Putting on a pot of rice is not "cooking dinner"

He'd had his fun but then he used stalling tactics and hid behind the fact that there were friends there to get more time for drinking for himself like a selfish dickwad.

He manipulated the situation in the pub to make sure he would get a chance to have another pint and he didn't care two shits for how his wife and friend would get five small, tired children home in a village with no footpaths (WTF?).

Presumably he also knew that he had not fulfilled his promise to get the blow up bed out of the shed, but even knowing that that extra work was waiting for his tired, harried wife who had had the kids all day so he could go to the pub didn't make him think it would be nice to actually pull his weight.

Cooking some rice and putting his own children to bed doesn't make up for the fact that this tiny contribution to the day was far, far less than he should have made and went back on the agreement he had made with his wife.

He hasn't even apologised but is ignoring the woman who makes his alcoholic lifestyle possible. Totally agree with custardo, he is a prize knob. Don't agree that the OP is a muppet though.

Fair play you handled the first part well - but I would have handed some responsibility over to him once he was home. It was unfair that you were up and down all night long...sometimes we don't actually say what we want and so others assume we are fine with things...a lesson learned.
Life's too short though to hold a grudge about it isn't it?

dee, I think he had also cooked the stew that had been taken out of the freezer to go with the rice.

Now he's an alcoholic?

OP - If you had all left pub together, you would surely only have been home slightly earlier than you were in any event, so your DC's bedtime from what you say would already have been disturbed (am another non-set bedtime person so don't quite understand the impact of going to bed 'late' but can appreciate that is what happened here...)

I'm assuming your DH carried on drinking at home and would have whether he left the pub at the same time as you or not. That said, if the DC's still hadn't slept well due to slightly late (but not as late ) bedtime, or the general excitement of other DCs i the house, he STILL couldn't have dealt with them due to alcohol/DC's unwillingness to be pacified by him/combination thereof.

Similaryl what if there was no pub, and DCs still wouldnt sleep/played up - would that still be his fault?

You are upset with him because your weekend was spoilt. Possibly his weekend wasn't great either - he maybe was looking forward to a few drinks down the pub, then a chilled evennig at home with his wife and friends. Didnt happen because DC played up and wife was up and down stairs all night pandering to them.

You have said quite clearly that DC3 won't be settled by him. Am sure you have probably made this clear to him to, so what exactly is he meant to do more than he did?

If he had gone up and down the stairs trying (and failing) to pacify DC3, would your thread have been you were pissed off with him for upsetting your DC by trying to settle him when he should have known he wouldnt be able to?

I'm sorry if you feel he's getting a hard time. The issue it seems to me is not him spending time in the pub, the issue is you don't feel he's doing enough to parent his children. But if by your own admission you dont consider anyone other than you is capable of pacifying them, then what on earth is he meant to do exactly? In his situation, I'd get on and do other stuff, like the dinner etc....which he did, apparently without being told.