Need the MN Jury because I am so angry I've lost all sense of perspective.

[NeedMNJury]

Right, basic facts.

On Saturday some friends came up to stay for a night. She's a very close old friend from where we used to live, her dcs are similar ages to mine, our dh's get along, we haven't met up since the beginning of December so we decided to meet at our house.

They arrived early afternoon. We had lunch in the garden, a few drinks while the dcs played, all very relaxed and fun.

About 3pm dh receives a text from an old mate of his whose mum lives in our village. Does DH fancy a quick drink in the pub about 4pm?

DH hasn't seen this mate since the mate's dad's funeral at the end of November so we agreed that DH and Friend's DH would go and meet up with this mate in the pub while Friend and I took all 5 dcs for a walk with the dog then met them at the pub.

We duly turned up at the pub about 5pm. The 3 blokes were settled in nicely with their 2nd pint. Friend and I got drinks for ourselves and the dcs and spent the next hour dealing with dcs in the way that you do when you have 2x5yos, 2x 3yos and 1x 2yo with you in a public place. Pushing them on the swings, resolving fights, trying to stop them annoying the rest of the customers, etc.

The 3 blokes got through another 2 pints while we there and then the dcs got to the point about 6:30 where they really needed to go home. The 3 blokes still had about half a pint left to drink so Friend and I said that we'd start walking back with the dcs as long as they finished their drinks and came straight back.

I think so far I've been pretty reasonable, no? He's had time in the pub, dc-less. He's had a good couple of hours to catch up with his mate and have a few beers, now it's time for him to reassume parental duties.

The usually 15 minute walk home takes us 35 minutes because the dcs are knackered and getting stroppy. 2yo is in a buggy so at one point I'm carrying my 3yo on my shoulders while pushing the buggy, friend is carrying her 3yo while ensuring the 5yos don't get run over because there are no footpaths in our village.

By the time we get home there is still no sign of them.

I get the blow up mattress out of the garage (should have been DH's job), go upstairs and discover that at some point, unbeknown to us, 3 of them have snaffled the little packets of sugar from the pub and emptied them all over dc1's room.

So now I have to hoover the whole of dc1's room, blow up the mattress, make the bed, then get 3 exhausted dcs into bed. On my Own.

Friend did a great job of keeping them calm downstairs while I sorted upstairs.

DH and Friend's DH finally roll in about an hour and a quarter after we left the pub, just as we were getting the dcs upstairs.

DH puts our older 2 to bed while I deal with the 2yo who by that point has entirely lost the plot and has a screaming tantrum for half an hour before collapsing in exhaustion and I get him into bed.

DH has got the meal cooked by the time I get back downstairs (it was already made, he only had to put rice on and reheat the casserole) so we sit down to eat.

I manage about half of mine before dc3 starts crying. So up I go.

10 minutes later I come down. Couple more mouthfuls.

Dc2 starts crying, so up I go.

10 minutes later I come down. Couple more mouthfuls.

Dc3 starts crying again, so up I go.

All bloody evening.

I finally got to bed at 2 AM having not spent more than 15 minutes downstairs talking to my friends.

I was so bloody angry with him. I had to be civil with him yesterday while Friend was still here but in the evening I brought it up and he said he wasn't being unreasonable about it because he hadn't seen his mate for months and they stayed for longer because they were 'catching up'. Bear in mind that his mate currently spends about half the week at his mum's in our village so they have ample opportunity to meet up again pretty imminently.

I pointed out that I hadn't seen Friend for that long either and that I was quite looking forward to catching up with her with being constantly interrupted by dcs but I didn't get to do it because of him.

I then stormed off and went to bed so I'm still steaming about it today.

AIBU to be fuming and want him to apologise and accept he was completely out of order?

I still don't see that staying an extra hour in th pub is a crime against the rights of women. I know these crimes occur on a daily basis, and will fight the good fight hand and tooth, but it was an extra hour and a blow up bed. And op says he is normally a good chap.

It seems then, that a load of knackered kids happened to knackered wife, and dh is getting the cold treatment for a combo of events.
His behaviour wasn't stepford husband grade, but then we aren't stepford wives are we.

Maybe Men do ASSUME freedom. I have had plenty of girls nights out where I still have my phone in my pocket on vibrate just in case babysitter/dh needs to get hold of me. They never do, it's more about how I feel than them.

DH has said to me plenty of times, I've got my phone if you need me. But I know he's going to be so wankered caught up in the fun, that he'd be use nor ornament anyway!

I can recall one related anecdote here, DS had a chest infection after a day of tripping backwards and forwards to docs and chemist he went down hill and I had to take him to hospital. DH was on an all day drinking thing. Pre planned work related thing. I took DS to hospital, did all I could to contact DH eventually left it (whilst en route to hospital) to a colleague of DH to find him and get him to hospital. He did make it, tried really hard not to breathe on the consultant and DS was fine.

Ultimately it's give and take, there have been odd occassions where I am sure I would be use nor ornament whilst called back from a night out. Thankfully it's never happened, but we both get our fair shares of down time and I think that is the issue here for the OP. She had an expectation of the weekend and so did her DP. But they didn't have the same expectation and that is what a lot of people are saying here unless you talk and plan, then being miffed is pointless.

That is a fair point op - I can see how that would rankle. As before, am sorry weekend was a washout. Did your friend enjoy?

Ok I have got to ask....
Did you decide to take dc to the pub?

Were you made to stay there past dc's bedtimes?

When you got back why did you not put dc3 to bed if you know he is hard to settle when over tired?

Even if dc were going to be sleeping on the air mattress they could have been put to bed as normal and then transferred to it. This would have given you one less problem.

And over tired dc??? thats why i resist having a specific bedtime....my dc seep when they are tired....

Women can't assume freedom because they don't have wives who they know will take care of the dcs when they bog off down the pub morningpaper.

Doesn't this just assume that men are naturally irresponsible as parents?

I have spent many an afternoon drinking with friends and been perfectly capable of putting children to bed.

They assume someone else will take responsibilty, that's for sure.

I've told him before that he always assumes that I will be the one in charge because he drinks so much that he could not possibly take care of dcs if I had been drinking as much too.

Whenever he starts to drink like that, I know I have to take it easy so one of us is okay enough to have some wits about us.

Unless I explicitly say 'this is MY night, I am getting drunk off my face tonight if I feel like it' then he just assumes he can drink what he likes.

I don't think in an equal partnership I should be asking to be able to drink, should I?

What time did they leave? Why couldn't you and friend have spent the morning together without the children?

I just don't see the POINT of all this simmering

NeedMN have you discussed all this with him? Does he know how you feel? Do you say this after each time it happens?

If you've told him all this, and he is continuing to do it, then you need to either (a) have counselling or (b) give up on weekends such as this, and just leave him with the DCs while you go away with your chum.

Yes OP it's your fault this happened because you don't parent like TheLadyEvenstar

No point getting personal Dee

It's just people offering OPINIONS

Dee I have not said that I asked why the OP couldn't have put the dc to bed when she got in or left a bit earlier herself to avoid over tired dc.

I don't have a strict bedtime routine but thats because I don't see how i can tell dc when they are tired.....

I think you need to talk to him about his drinking. He shouldn't regularly be getting so pissed that you have to take sole charge of the children.

And no, in an equal partnership you shouldn't need to reserve drinking time and he shouldn't assume his drinking is more important than spending time with his children and giving his wife a break (approximately equal to the boozing time he enjoys).

And also we are often out later than what most people class as a bedtime for a 10 year old and a 19m old so it would be pointless

op, I still don't understand why you are blaming your dh for decisions you made?

Kitty thats what I asked....

Did you decide to take dc to the pub?
We agreed that we would meet them there once we'd walked the dog so the men could have a drink in peace with dh's mate and so friend and I could also have a drink with them.

Were you made to stay there past dc's bedtimes?
I started telling him we needed to go in plenty of time to get back and sort the dcs out for bed. We left later than I wanted because they were taking so long over their last point. If we'd all left together when I left we would have been home quicker because we'd have had more hands to carry dcs therefore they would have been in bed earlier.

When you got back why did you not put dc3 to bed if you know he is hard to settle when over tired?
Because there were 4 other dcs charging about the house, he's a nightmare to get to bed at the best of times and I knew he wouldn't settle if he could hear the others were still playing.

Even if dc were going to be sleeping on the air mattress they could have been put to bed as normal and then transferred to it. This would have given you one less problem.

And over tired dc??? thats why i resist having a specific bedtime....my dc seep when they are tired....
I will remember that absolute pearl of wisdom. Thank you .

Offering opinions about having set bedtimes on a thread like this is just needless passive aggression.

Whether or no the OP could have done things in a different order when she got home, or whether if her children didn't have set bedtimes they wouldn't have been tired is irrelevant.

The deal was that she should have had help putting them to bed, and she did not. He reneged on his part of the going to the pub bargain. He took his bit of pie and then took a huge bite of hers and threw the rest of it on the floor so she got only a small bit of dirty, spoiled pie.

Blimey

You all sound so full of rage

I am a bit baffled tbh

Eh??

I'm off.

OP, But surely if DH and his friend were dithering over leaving you could have just said "Ok I am leaving as dc's need to go to bed" took them home settled all of them and then had a glass of wine at home whilst waiting for dh and friend to return?

Just come back to this thread
Bit confused why it has gone tits upp

MP, yes, we've discussed it in the past, it perhaps stays in for one night 'out' then he appears to feel he's done his duty and it's back to square one again.

Kitty, why are these decision I made? Why should I be the one who has to decide when it is appropriate to leave the pub? Why should I be the only one looking at our dcs and thinking they are tired? Why should it all be down to me?

They are our children, they are both of our responsibilty. His responsibilty doesn't end because he's in a pub having a good time after nearly 3 hours of child free time.

But do you tell him that ?? And please don't say 'I shouldn't have to tell him, he should know'. Yes he probably should, but clearly isn't behaving the way you think is responsible so you need to make your feelings known.

If that had been the agreement LadyEvenstar then that that would have been fine.

But it wasn't.

The agreement was always that he would go, we would join them then we would all come back together. That is what he agreed to.

Do I tell him what?

That they are his children as well as mine? That we have joint responsibilty for them?

If he doesn't know that after 5 years then we are in serious trouble.