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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...To expect monetary contribution from my DP??

498 replies

GrumpyMoo · 29/04/2009 16:24

... In any form. I'm not asking for all his money to go off and spend as I like. But SOMETHING towards his keep would help. And how do I ask him NOW after we have lived together on and off (more off than on TBH) for nearly a year?? HELP someone. Need kick up the backside or somehting please??

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 30/04/2009 17:43

"All day I have been going over and over in my head just what it is about him that changes me from an even tempered, non-confrontational easy going person almost to the type of person his ex is. ie, screechy, unbalanced and vicious."

Now you know why his ex is screechy etc.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 30/04/2009 17:50

Definitely call the police, and if he refuses to hand back keys get the locks changed too.

This sounds very dramatic but your previous posts ring MASSIVE alarm bells for me, if he is prepared to "stop you leaving the kitchen" using I presume phsyical prescence, it's not too big a jump to imagine what he could do next!!!

This is not a healthy normal realtionship, really there is so much better ( hel being on your own is better REALLY!)

I really hope you seee the light and end this properly tonight, the more you have him back the further he thinks he can push things, and for the TOKEN nice things he says to you there's an awful lot of shit too,

sending you strength and courage to do the necessary!!

(and a couple of very un MN hugs)

Original poster
GrumpyMoo · 30/04/2009 17:51

Thank god you are all here!! I was starting to think that maybe I WAS being unreasonable abvout all this. he doesn't have all that much money.

Argh.

Am going to the CAB in the morning. I need to know where I stand. He's threatened to tell the council that he's been 'living' here. How can he be classed as living here though??

He's a guest. None of the bills are in his name, we have no joint accounts and the lease is in my name! What exactly does he think he brings into the house? Which was a question he couldn't answer when I asked him.

Dissension and stress spring to mind. Like telling the kids that they can only sit on the samll sofa (tiny almost 2 seater) and that they must never sit in his place on the biggest sofa.

How does he think he is being reasonable? The male ego is ave ry odd thing.

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 30/04/2009 17:52

Has he been claiming benefits to which he would not be entitled, had he declared where he's been living? I got that impression earlier in the thread.

CarGirl · 30/04/2009 17:54

Pack his bags and leave them on the doorstep. Leave your keys in the lock so he can't come back.

Sorry he sounds awful.

Original poster
GrumpyMoo · 30/04/2009 17:56

oldlady He is on INCAP. I don;t know if he ahs told them where he lives. Everytime we 'talk' about things like that he says one thing and then when we argue he says I never wanted him in the first place or else he would be able to live with me properly and upfront.

Apart from that I just don't know.

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 30/04/2009 17:58

Ah. Just that if he has been claiming benefits he shouldn't have been, he's unlikely to kick up a stink with your landlord, since benefit fraud is pretty serious and it would backfire on him. Does he have any mail sent to him at your address?

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 30/04/2009 18:00

The sofa thing- that's way more than male ego that's control freakery.

The more I read the more i feel you get very little from this "relationship" (word used in the loosest sense), he really has been taking you for a ride.

From a positive perspective as he has paid NOTHING towards his upkeep he surely can only be seen as a guest ( albeit a pretty long term one)

Personally I wouldn't wait for CAB tomorrow YOU have nothing to lose, his name is not on the tennacy and he has not contributed end of,

(I wouldn't want to spend another night in the same bed!)

Original poster
GrumpyMoo · 30/04/2009 18:03

It woul;dn't be his benefit that would change as it is to do with a long term physical incapacity for work. And he is the sort of person that wouldn;t mind kicking up a stink regardless! He does have the odd bit of mail sent here.

I'm off now to get my man free hair cut!!

It's a pity I can't stop him coming back in while I'm out. Mind you I wouldn't do that to his daughter anyway. She is only ten and she has seen too mauch shouting already.

LOts of love and hugs right back at you guys. have a great evening.

xx

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 30/04/2009 18:08

It doesn't matter if he tells anyone he has been living there - you just shoot back with 'no he hasn't' - you are allowed overnighters 3 or 4 days a week without it being classed as living with you - say that was the case. His word against yours and if neither of you has been claiming benefit wrongly nobody will care anyway.

TrillianAstra · 30/04/2009 18:15

He can't refuse to leave. It's your house. You can tell him to get out and stay out, and ask for your keys back. In any case I think I would get the locks changed.

The police will remove him if you ask them to, and please do call them if he gets aggressive. In fact you should probably keep your mobile in your pocket so he doesn't stop you from going to where the phone is. I am also very wary fo the fact that he 'stopped you from leaving the kitchen' earlier.

doobry · 30/04/2009 18:22

Is there anyone who can be there with you when you ask him to leave? And yes, get the locks changed and pack his bags for him.

pingviner · 30/04/2009 18:28

Oh Grumpy, Im so sorry, but be strong, you are doing the right thing for you and your kids - it doesnt seem to be a viable situation for you personally or financially from what youve said.

he's not your responsibility, hes not being reasonable and mature, hes a 43yr old manchild whos shouting and throwing a tantrum because hes not getting his own way.

Stay angry. Dont let him twist things, dont accept blame or responsibility for his actions. You have not been unreasonable in asking for some contribution for basic necessities and he has made none. If he wanted in any way an equal partnership or relationship he would be talking to you, arranging something, making whatever contribution he could, no matter how small for both him and his dd's upkeep.

Hope the haircut looks good and makes you feel nice and confident!
a

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 30/04/2009 18:50

In a way, it's just as well he hasn't contributed anything, or he might have had some sort of sub-letting thing going on. As it is, he's too mean and too stupid to even cover his own arse.

Just a shame his DD will be caught up in all this, too.

Original poster
GrumpyMoo · 30/04/2009 19:05

Hi guys. Just back from hair cut! Like a weight off my mind! Not quite what I had in mind but then my hair cuts never turn out how I want.

He wasn't here (obviously, silly me, or else I wouldn't be on here!lol) when I got back and it won't be me sleeping on the sofa tonight put it that way. I'm not going to do anyhting till ghis daughter and my children go off to school 2moro as they don;t need to see any of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
GrumpyMoo · 30/04/2009 19:06

Righto off to put samll people to bed. Thanks for all your support! hope to post again tomorrow. hugs.

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 30/04/2009 19:10

Best of luck when he comes back.

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 30/04/2009 19:19

Yup, pack his stuff ,tell him to leave immediately and change the locks. If he wo't go, call the police and ask them to remove him.
I do have to warn you though that there is a possiblity of him getting violent: ring 999 if you have to.
And don't ever put up with this sort of crap again, there is no reason on earth to let anyone take advantage like this.

hertsnessex · 30/04/2009 19:22

Please get rid of him. His daughter has a mother who will take care of her, you dont have to be that person - he will try to use that excuse i am sure.

you will be much happier.

as for making the kids sit on the small sofa and never in 'his' seat - psychologically making them feel 'small;' and not important IMHO.

hope it goes well.

x

pingviner · 30/04/2009 20:30

good luck moo, I know we seem harsh on here sometimes but honestly, you deserve better than this

you will be happier when hes gone
and will be free to meet a man who doesnt use you

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 30/04/2009 20:37

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Message withdrawn

pingviner · 30/04/2009 20:48

good luck moo, I know we seem harsh on here sometimes but honestly, you deserve better than this

It really doesnt look good from the outside- off the top of my head

  1. He makes no contribution to your finances
  2. He is happy for you to run up debt for basics like food and bils, as long as he has money for his football
  3. He's stating his comfort and wishes take preference over your own kids - eg sofa
  4. He may have been sleeping with his ex wife/lying to you
  5. He wants you to look a certain way - no haircut
  6. He doesnt like it when you go out with your friends
  7. He doesnt want you to discuss anything or take advice from friends [hmmm] wonder why?
  8. He thinks you are being disloyal when you do this
  9. He tries to twist things and make you responsible for his actions eg the alarm, eg you are being unreasonable asking for money, its your fault he has nowhere to go
10. Not sure what happened physically but you state he tried to stop you leaving the kitchen?

Remember these 10. Im sure there are more, and get rid
you will be happier when hes gone
and will be free to meet a man who doesnt use you

pingviner · 30/04/2009 20:49

oopsy double post computer playing silly beggars

Original poster
GrumpyMoo · 30/04/2009 21:47

Well he hasn't come back. Beeon tenterhooks all night just waiting for the door to go (key in and turned round so can't be pushed through...) or the phone etc.

I am absolutely shattered. Am going to go to bed now but I just wanted to say that if it weren't for people like all you out there and a place like mumsnet then people like me would stay peolple like me a lot longer than they should.

It's funny that you should mention stercus. That phrase has been my byword on Facebook for years! I love latin! It's the best dead language ever!

I'd love to reply to everyone individaully now but I ma completely wrung out, screaming matches and all day tension tend to do that ot me

Night all.

OP posts:
RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 30/04/2009 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn