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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...To expect monetary contribution from my DP??

498 replies

GrumpyMoo · 29/04/2009 16:24

... In any form. I'm not asking for all his money to go off and spend as I like. But SOMETHING towards his keep would help. And how do I ask him NOW after we have lived together on and off (more off than on TBH) for nearly a year?? HELP someone. Need kick up the backside or somehting please??

OP posts:
Mize · 29/04/2009 18:22

He should be putting every cent he has into the pot. Just like you do !

pingviner · 29/04/2009 20:08

Good for your kids - well he might be on a personal level

But is it good for your kids to see their mum being taken for a ride on both a financial and personal basis, to see their mum struggling to feed everyone and keep the bills paid while he swans off to football matches, to see their mum áccept this and be treated as unpaid childcare to keep a relationship going, to see their mum run up debts and risk her plans while he contributes nothing?

as has been said before -COCKLOGER ALERT!- give him an ultimatum and if he doesnt take an equal part, get rid of him.

You and your kids deserve an equal partner and a good role model, and this is not normal!

Original poster
GrumpyMoo · 30/04/2009 08:08

Thanks guys. Had a weird moment with him last night (I'd been for a cuppa at a friends house...long story) and he knew I was a bit on edge and kept asking me what was wrong etc. Couldn't tell him I'd been on here he'd would have had a fit!

When I asked him what was wrong he just said 'nothing and I'll tell you in the morning.'

This morning after a sleepless night (his bad back and him kicking me all the time) he themn accuses me of not setting the alarm and not caring what time he has to be up!!! He is 43 btw, more than old enough to set his own alarm! Grr.

Now he has gone off to take his daughter to school and I have snatched a few unbroken minutes to write all this out.

You guys are all right : either he coughs up (at the very least) or he has to go. This will be the third time I've been through this with him. The first was because the levels of his medication were wrong and causing his erratic behaviour and the second was because I was going to have coffe at a friends house (hence his weirdness yesterday) and he didn't wnat me to go.

Just like he doesn't want me to get my hair cut today. I appreciate that we all have outr faults and sometimes it just is a case of 'oh well, he's being a knob, but hey ho he'll be ok later' but by now I'm thinking I have to take off the rose tinted's and see what is really wrong here.

It's all so deeply deprressing though.

OP posts:
PortoPandemico · 30/04/2009 08:24

He is sounding worse and worse by the minute! Agree with everyone else, he should pay up or go. Does he have any redeeming features?

wastingmyeducation · 30/04/2009 08:25

He sounds very controlling Grumpymoo. You don't need that.

Enjoy you haircut!

Nancy66 · 30/04/2009 08:49

Forget the paying up - he should just go.
Seriously, what's in it for you?

TrillianAstra · 30/04/2009 08:51

He should pay up and start being nicer to you. If he doesn't work he can do housework for a start. And you should be allowed and encouraged to go to friends for coffee and get your hair cut.

Or go.

(I like option 2)

ruddynorah · 30/04/2009 09:07

why would he have a fit if he knew you were on here? and why does he not want you to have your haircut? and why oh why are you putting up with sleepless nights from him kickingyou??!!

he sounds utterly awful.

what does he currently spend his £75 on?

Original poster
GrumpyMoo · 30/04/2009 09:09

I'm getting to the point where I like the sound of option 2 as well Trillian.

Have just asked him whether he actually is a cocklodger and he's told me to 'litterally f.o'

I belive he does have some redeeming features otherwise I wouldn't still be with him. He doesn't drink, hit me or the kids and he can be incredibly sweet. I just wish he was more consistant with it.

I get that that's a little unreasonable, no one is totally consistant all the time. We all have foibles and peccadillos that annoy the people around us. Funny moods and so on.

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 30/04/2009 09:11

"Have just asked him whether he actually is a cocklodger"

Does he know what it means? I didn't until I came on here.

A lack of abuse or violence is not enough to base a relationship on.

Original poster
GrumpyMoo · 30/04/2009 09:16

Norah He says that if you ask other people for advice you are contaminating your relationship with someone elses views and not your own oppinions.

I have tried to get him to underdstand that just because he doesn't have friends that it doesnt mean I can't have them, or talk to them.

So my posting on here would lead to a huge row and I just don't have the energy for that just now.

The haircut thing is because he says he wants to be with someone who looks like a woman not a man. My hair was shoulder length when we met, as it is now, I let it grow for a while but I don;t like it so long anymore, just annoys me! I am only getting a few inches off, so that it is off my neck for the summer and i can stop lying on it at night!lol

His money goes on various things, he paid out most of it last time on a court case he was doing for his 'ex'. I'm not sure really after that. Petrol for his car, insurance etc and the football matches he 'has' to take his daughter to.

OP posts:
sleeplessinstretford · 30/04/2009 09:17

sounds like you may have rumbled him and he's not happy about it...

you've had 2 bad relationships-third time lucky but tell this git to piss off.The kids'll get over it.

There's no such thing as a soulmate-you can be temporarily dazzleshagged but when the flush has worn off,and you see that he keeps all his money for entertaining himself,shags his ex,doesn't contribute to your pot financially,keeps you awake at night,doesn't let you out,questions your movements-it's time to whack on the shades and get him to sod off.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 30/04/2009 09:18

Ummm.....you can expect a lot more from a partner than 'doesn't drink or hit me' hon. Even the nastiest, most abusive bastards can be 'incredibly sweet' at times - that's how they get women to let them in their lives.
He sounds immature and irresponsible at best, and really controlling at worst. Any partner who thinks they have the right to a say on their partners internet use, social arrangements and haircuts is far too involved in that person's life. Don't you see how controlling that is? A person only has the right to make their own choices, not those of someone else. In a partnership you have a say on the important decisions - financial, employment etc, but you do not have a say in someone's personal style and appearance, when and where they meet their friends, what internet sites they look at (and I'm sure if you are honest you could think of more examples)
He sounds awful.

wastingmyeducation · 30/04/2009 09:19

Yes, not hitting you isn't a redeeming feature, it's a baseline of normality.

catwalker · 30/04/2009 09:19

You might be able to persuade him to contribute financially. You might be able to persuade him to take more responsibility around the house. But do you really want to be with someone who has to be forced into doing this? If he doesn't do it voluntarily then why bother with him at all. I don't know what the definition of a soul mate is but I'm betting it includes a hefty dollop of mutual respect. Get rid of him for god's sake. If you must keep on seeing him then do - but don't have him living with you.

LizLemon · 30/04/2009 09:22

The point at which a man starts saying that his partner can't choose to have a haircut or go to friends for coffee is the point at which you have to acknowledge that he is selfish and controlling, and tbh childlike. My dad was exactly like this - and no, he didn't drink or hit anyone either, but his behaviour meant that we weren't allowed to spend the last Christmas with my aunt and cousin before they emigrated to Australia a week later.

You can be with a man who won't drink, or hit you, and won't mind when you get a haircut or whether you decide to dye it electric blue, and will be happy to contribute to the family pot. Seriously.

PortoPandemico · 30/04/2009 09:22

Him not hitting you is NOT a redeeming feature. Normal blokes don't hit their partners and children. Normal blokes have friends and encourage their partners to have friends. Normal blokes might think your hair looks better one way, but wouldn't dream of stopping you getting it cut.

Why is he paying for a court case for his ex? Does he pay any maintenance for his dd?

You deserve SO much better than this.

Bumperlicioso · 30/04/2009 09:24

'He doesn't drink, hit me or the kids and he can be incredibly sweet. I just wish he was more consistant with it.'

This is really not a good enough reason to stay with him. There is no need to be grateful he doesn't hit you!

'I get that that's a little unreasonable, no one is totally consistant all the time. We all have foibles and peccadillos that annoy the people around us. Funny moods and so on.'

Ok, it's not unreasonable to expect him to be nice all the time. My DH has his faults and we argue and he doesn't always put his laundry in the laundry bin but he is always nice and not inconsistent in that. That is not too much to ask. You need to find out what other people's relationships are like so you know what is reasonable to expect from one.

Original poster
GrumpyMoo · 30/04/2009 09:25

Wow. When I asked him if he WAS just a cocklodger I didn;t expect him to now come back to me with 'I don't see you in any hurry to change that'

Wow.

My gob is literally smacked!

I'd like a bit of mutual respect catwalker but aren't a lot of men quite "useless" around the house? isn;t that why we women exist??

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 30/04/2009 09:27

NO!!!!!!!
We women do not exist to clean, cook, wash and tidy up after useless lazy men. Jesus women, do you really think that's what you are for?
Now my gob is smacked. You are so far inside this crappy relationship that you can't see how crappy it is.

TrillianAstra · 30/04/2009 09:27

I normally don't like threads where the OP complains about their DH/DP and the MN community jumps up and says 'dump him'.

But having said that, DUMP HIM.

WTF does that mean, anyway, 'I don't see you in any hurry to change that'? What?

PortoPandemico · 30/04/2009 09:31

He is taking the piss! Out - definitely!

Original poster
GrumpyMoo · 30/04/2009 09:31

porto he doesn't pay any money towards his DD because she stays over here 3/4 nights a week so that her mum can work. She does nightshift work for asda so that she can pay the mortgage on their house.

The court case was for credit card debts that they ran up. In her name etc but he still wanted to try and get it written off. And tyo stop it being attached to the house which they are trying to sell and he wants to get some money back from....

The haircut thing is annoying and childish I agree but it hasn't stopped me going to make the appointment and he won't stop me actually going to get it done. It's just the attitude and sulky comments etc. drags me down.

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 30/04/2009 09:34

Grumpy - it doesn't stop you now but how many years before the grumps, sulks and moods are not worth the hassle and you stop doing the things he doesn't like? This is how controlling men operate, they don't 'forbid' anything, but make it so unpleasant for the woman that eventually she stops bothering to assert herself

Original poster
GrumpyMoo · 30/04/2009 09:34

Took me longer to type that than I thought!

kat I'm sorry it was meant in an ironic sense, tongue in cheek etc. Sorry. Ooops. Foot in mouth! I can see how crappy it is, honestly.

trillian I haven't the foggiest. Maybe he'll explain when he comes back from wherever it si that he ahs gone?

OP posts:
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