Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...To expect monetary contribution from my DP??

498 replies

GrumpyMoo · 29/04/2009 16:24

... In any form. I'm not asking for all his money to go off and spend as I like. But SOMETHING towards his keep would help. And how do I ask him NOW after we have lived together on and off (more off than on TBH) for nearly a year?? HELP someone. Need kick up the backside or somehting please??

OP posts:
PortoPandemico · 30/04/2009 09:36

So he doesn't contribute at all to his dd? To you or to the ex. And the ex has to work nights to pay the mortgage, and he's still hoping for Pay Day! Are they divorced? Geez.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 30/04/2009 09:36

Ah ok missed the tone. Phew

ruddynorah · 30/04/2009 09:36

what did you say when he said you were in no hurry to change the situation?

one day you're going to be with a decent man and you'll look back on this relationship and be mortified that you thought it was ok.

GrumpyMoo · 30/04/2009 09:40

So do I put my foot down (treat him like the child he is?) just like I would with my kids? And expect better behaviour from him or else 'get out' ? Do I have the right to do this? Knowing he has nowhere else to go? Well, except his marital home that is. Which is probably where he is right now! Oh it just makes me soooo mad!

I've been an idiot, a soft touch. Right back to being a doormat again. I need to slap myself and get this done once and for all. Grr.

I wish it wasn't so hard though.

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 30/04/2009 09:42

"Do I have the right to do this? Knowing he has nowhere else to go?"

It's not your responsibility to look after him.

Make a list of what you expect: better behaviour, helping around the house, etc, as well as money.

Stinkyfeet · 30/04/2009 09:44

I'm sure he will find somewhere else to go. No disrespect to you, but you asked him to move in with you within a month - he'll just turn on the charm with someone else and have somewhere to cocklodge pretty quick. There's always the ex to shack up with for a bit.

Also, this maybe incredibly cynical and insensitive of me, but have you ever seen any evidence/proof of this "horrible cancer" he had as a child?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 30/04/2009 09:44

You have the 'right' to ask him to leave your home - where he goes is not his problem (and he clearly does have a place to go). If you want to keep trying with him you will have to put your foot down, and if no improvement you end it, and be serious, and follow through. If (as I hope) you have realised that this relationship isn't what you want or need, just ask him to leave.

ruddynorah · 30/04/2009 09:44

it is not your problem where he goes.

he is an adult.

he brings nothing to your life. you provide everything in his.

GrumpyMoo · 30/04/2009 09:47

kat glad no offence taken!

porto he takes her to the football and the odd trip out together (my suggestion as they need time on their own, all kids need on on one). But she is fed and clothed here when she is here, goes on trips out with the rest of us. I make sure she doesn;t get left out! I've got a 23 year old step daughter form my marriage who i still see all the time and who still calls me Mum. I know what it's like to have step kids and I wouldn;t dream of leaving her out or making her feel bad just because her Mum is a nutter and her dad doesn;t get it.

He is in the process of getting a divorzce, going through the mediation process now. In all fairness the ex is still egtting all the child benefit etc and not having to use it on her half the weeek. I think she is earning a lot more than she lets on also.

norah I told him i wasn't going to have any sort of conversation like that with him via a text message. I'm not of that generation. I'd rather argue face to face!

OP posts:
RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 30/04/2009 09:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GrumpyMoo · 30/04/2009 09:50

God I need a coffee right now!

trillian and kat you are both right. It'll be a long list though.

OP posts:
RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 30/04/2009 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ruddynorah · 30/04/2009 09:54

so you're going to try to change him then? give him a list, say this is what i want?

waste of time.

you've told him before you aren't happy. he knows you'll put up with it because you're weak. he has you over a barrel. you worry about his health, you worry about his daughter. you are not worrying about yourself and the life you deserve.

by staying with him you are not allowing yourself to get on and meet someone decent.

RumourOfAHurricane · 30/04/2009 09:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GrumpyMoo · 30/04/2009 10:03

sorry. went to make toast and coffee. The more i think this through the more ill i feel. I hate confrontation. I hate arguments. I would do almost anything to avoid one. But!! I know how to have a blazing good row when it needs doing or if i get backed into a corner.

Now is the time for just that. Confront him, lay it all out and wiat for him to go beserk.

It is all so odd though. When it is good between us it is better than good, but the same as when it is bad. We go from happy to splitting up in a snap. I can't live like that anymore. And I won't make my kids go through this anymore.

What is the worst that can happen huh?

OP posts:
ruddynorah · 30/04/2009 10:06

the worst that can happen is you row, he says shitty things that make you feel even more weak, and you end up staying with him.

the best that can happen is you change the locks and never see him again.

catwalker · 30/04/2009 10:11

GrumpyMoo - "mutual respect" doesn't mean that he helps around the house. It means that you respect and are aware of each other's needs/feelings etc. My hubby is fairly crap around the house but he works very long hours in a demanding job, money is never an issue (that doesn't mean we have loads, it just means he never stands back waiting for me to pay), he does loads of stuff with our kids, he's aware if I'm tired/stressed/in need of a break and tries to do more to help. You deserve better.

mamof3 · 30/04/2009 10:17

omg ! wat a total arse he sounds ! hes got everything a real man has to work for, for free ! ! !
he should at least be giving u half if not more every week,
2 put it bluntly u r spending YOUR childrens child tax,family allowance and maintenance on HIM.

pingviner · 30/04/2009 10:28

Moo, and I can see why you are grumpy...

Do NOT treat him like an extra child! Im sure when you got together with him you wanted a relationship, not to adopt a 43yr old cocklodger with ex-wife, debt problems and an inability to take responsibility for setting his own alarm!

Seriously - he sounds as though hes starting to control you- haircuts and coffee ring little alarm bells, and allowing you to run up debt in your name so he can be looked after is worrying. You sound an intelligent, articulate woman from these threads and deserve better

caramelwaffle · 30/04/2009 12:28

Get rid of him.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 30/04/2009 17:19

Have just read the whole thread, and as someone else said, I don't normally join in the cries of "dump him!" - but DUMP HIM! He is abusing you already and you and your DCs don't need that.

GrumpyMoo · 30/04/2009 17:33

Hi guys. He's been here all day, just gone back out to get his daughter so I've got a little time to get on here. He came back this morning shouting and then screaming at me. I lost my temper when he tried to keep me from leaving the kitchen. Grr. Threatened to throw his cup of tea over him.

Apparently I'm only getting my hair cut in a juvenile attempt at tit for tat. He goes to the football ergo I get my hair cut! My god if that was the case I would have hair like Victoria Beckham!!!

I ended up saying to him that he has to contribute financially and have been told that I am a gold digger. that all i ever think about is money and as he shouldn;t be living with me (haven't told landlord) why should he give me any money!! At all, as technically, his money we shouldn;t be getting! Grr. It is irrelevant. But he still expects to be kept.

I told him i was done, finished and I wanted hgim to leave. he's told me he's not going because he has no where else to go. All day I have been going over and over in my head just what it is about him that changes me from an even tempered, non-confrontational easy going person almost to the type of person his ex is. ie, screechy, unbalanced and vicious.

I can't understand how things have changed. He made me so happy in the beginning but now all he does is make me angry.

My poor kids are having their dinner right now in the kitchen asking each other why I'm fighting with him.

he is still making it out that I am being completely unreasonable, as if he is being the grown up in our relationship and that I need to sort out my priotities. He's calling me juvenile?

I'm so angry right now.

OP posts:
GrumpyMoo · 30/04/2009 17:36

And to top it off I know he will be back again later. And the fun will really start because I will ahve had my hair cut in the mean time!

OP posts:
RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 30/04/2009 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 30/04/2009 17:42

You're right to be angry - and to get your hair cut. Since the landlord doesn't know he's there, he obviously has no tenancy rights so yes, as Reality said, call the police to get him out if he won't go voluntarily. You are not responsible for him not having a roof over his head. Maybe he can stay at his ex's while she's on night shift?